07 April 2017

Grinding

I was anxious and hesitant about signing on to Grindr last night.  I did it and saw that the guy I liked was on-line.  I have yet to hear from him and kind of doubt that I will.  I stayed on the app browsing from profile to profile in the hopes someone would reach out.  Then it happened, too bad it was a spam message directing me to visit a website for porn.  It’s kind of a let down not to have anyone message you when you put yourself out there.  I have found a couple of other guys that I am going to message but if they don’t respond then I will cancel my subscription before it even starts and drop off of the site.  I don’t know why but many guys including myself have a love/hate relationship with Grindr.  Were on for a bit and then delete it and in a month or two come back.  I will say that the bulk of the faces I remember are gone, I still come across guys that have been on there for quite sometime.  I get that it’s primarily a hookup site and there are lots of guys that is fine with them.  While it sounds nice to do a wham, bam and thank you, I don’t know how I would feel emotionally about it.  I think it would mess with my head and if it was any good, I would want more.  I think it’s better to date, get to know someone find out if your compatible before you set any expectations or give up the goods.  The other thing that turns me off is to see that a guy is on PREP.  I understand it’s a safety thing but don’t tell me your interested in a relationship if your on that drug because your actions are sending a whole different message to me. 

When you think about it dating is scary.  Both from a physical safety issue and a sexual health standpoint.  I am really growing tired of the rollercoaster ride of ups and downs.  I just wish that a good guy would fall into my life, we be compatible and then start to make memories.  I don’t want to get my heart broken but I realize that is a risk that you take when your in the dating pool.  If you both can communicate and compromise provided you care about each other, then your going to be fine.  If you can’t do one or both of those things then your doomed for failure.  It doesn’t mean everything is going to be peaches and roses all the time.  Your going to get mad, your going to argue but at the end of the day your going to be able to move past it.

I can’t help but think that looks and age are two good reasons why I am not just lighting up the charts.  I can tell you if I were younger the guys would be flocking all over me because when I was younger I was far better looking.  Yeah I know I have the power to change my body, but I don’t want to change for someone else I want to be accepted for who I am.  I know that I would benefit greatly from shedding a few pounds but right now all I have is porn, food and my cats.  I am not ready to give up any of those three things.  I think it is fair and important to treat your self because no one else will.  You just have to know when to draw the line and say I’ve spent enough.  Growing up and getting most of the things that I asked for doesn’t help, it’s difficult for me to tell myself no.  However, I have done it before.  I don’t enjoy it but I realize when it’s practical. 

On a different note I was driving into work this morning and well over 1/2 way here my mind said you left your access card at home.  I panicked as I looked down and there was no lanyard around my neck.  Our building security recently changed and we are required to wear our cards as they have our names and photos on them.  It’s a great way to stalk cute guys in the building as well.  If they hadn’t made that change I am confident that I would have had it.  I used to keep it in a leather case and that went in my pocket most everyday of the week.  If I was even going to be remotely close to the office I would bring it with me.  This was the first time in almost 3 years that I forgot my card.  Our security can be quite the hassle to deal with.  I went in and handed them a business card, they looked me up in the system and then presto I was allowed to pass.  I got a temporary card once I got in the suite and then learned something had taken out our primary data circuit.  That means that work grinds to a halt.  So I was at work but I couldn’t do any of my usual morning work because the system was so sluggish.  We were on a backup circuit which is infinitely slower than the primary circuit.  A lot of people went home but since I can’t work from home I was hoping they would close the office.  No such luck.  Lunch time the circuit came back up and were rocking and rolling.  I modified my access for the temporary card so I can get into all of the places I need to.  Kind of cool to have that power but it can also be dangerous if you abuse or misuse it.  My mind is now playing tricks on me and trying to get me to panic because I lost the card.  I know for a fact I put it on my dresser and I was more focused on getting here than I was on getting ready to get here.  Scrambled eggs for brains is what I have at times, especially when there is a lot on my mind. 

Last night in watching TV I saw an ad from the cable company that told me AT&T is getting rid of U-verse.  Now I know why they didn’t want to cut me a deal on the price.  Everyone is getting steered to Direct TV which AT&T purchased.  Problem is I don’t want Satellite.  I want a wired solution that doesn’t involve putting a huge antenna up to get TV.  So I am limited to either cable or IP TV.  There are only 2 providers at play.  I hate the cable company but it looks like I might be going back to them before it’s all said and done.  It’s not like AT&T is going to flip the switch overnight but it will be a gradual thing and eventually in a couple years I will have to make a choice.  For now I am keeping what I have because I am happy with the features and benefits, simply put it works for me.  I know I am paying a little bit more than what the cable company charges but the benefits outweigh the cost so it’s worth it to me. 

No more pizza for me, I wiped out that monster I ordered earlier this week last night.  I was only able to eat 2 pieces at a time but last night I pushed myself and downed 3 pieces.  I was full.  I was wondering if I would even want Breakfast but I did.  Now I don’t want pizza for a while.  I will be doing a casserole bake thing over the weekend.  Tonight will likely be something frozen, but I do have some mac & cheese in the fridge that sounds pretty good. 

I’ve been thinking of rearranging my desk at work and moving to the opposite end of my cube.  It’s really large and you could easily fit a 2nd person in here.  I am glad that I have this huge space all to myself, its the closest I will ever get to an actual office.  Anyway, it would require some physical activity on my part and I would be stirring up the dust.  I wanted to do it last week and put it off.  Now that Friday is here it’s the prime day to do it because there isn’t a lot going on.  I should have done it this morning.  However, there are some logistical issues I haven’t quite resolved yet.  While I will likely skip it, I will be wishing it had happened.  I mean if it doesn’t work out I can switch back but maybe it’s best to leave everything where it is in the first place.  Ah, the quandary that I have placed myself in.

At least we made it to the weekend.  I hope that you enjoy your weekend.  I’ll be taking Momma to get her blood drawn.  Outside of that nothing really planned, other than enjoying my time.  Take care.   

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