20 December 2015

Emotional Blather and a daily update




I have had trouble this entire past week with sleeping.  Last night I had the worst dream.  My late partner broke up with me and wanted nothing to do with me.  I don’t know why but it really hurt.  Typically, when I wake up in the middle of the night it’s because there is something going on … I am worried about something, someone is seriously ill, I have concerns over my job – there is a reason to pin point and it’s not a mystery.  This time it appears as a mystery.  Although since I had the dream about my partner I am wondering if it’s is not over the holidays, the fact that I will be alone, etc.  It is a concern of mine but I know the holidays will be just like any other day and I of course will feel his absence and it will hurt, this is pretty much a given.  I don’t know why my subconscious mind is giving me such a fit.  I wish it would stop.  In an attempt to combat this, I am going to double up on sleep medicine, I will wake up feeling drunk but it’s better to be well rested, or so I think.  You are about to enter the blather zone. 

I suppose all of the porn I consume, the many thousands of images that I look at of hot guys (naked or not) and of course looking when I am out probably helps contribute to the above issue.  I can easily admit that I am addicted to porn, I love it and thirst for more.  Watch one scene it serves its purpose and I am ready for the next scene.  Yet I collect scenes that I like to watch again later.  It is to the point that it’s an obsession but it’s been that way since I first saw porn as a child.  I love to watch people fuck, this is my sex life.  It’s safe, no one gets hurt, I don’t have to please anyone else, cleanup is easy and best of all there is no risk of disease.  However, I have found that you can injure your penis from too vigorous masturbation.  That was not fun but it didn’t stop me.  I am addicted to orgasm; I wish that I had multiples of them but I would only want more.  The older I get I find the kinkier I am getting, since being on my own I have been able to explore some new things that I can get pleasure from.  It’s liberating and it just plain feels good.

That said I am still looking for a new partner.  Starting off as friends and dating then building from there.  I do have concerns about preforming in bed but I don’t obsess over that now because there is no one to perform for, I will worry more about it when I get to meet that special someone.  Even then I can tell you that I won’t want to give up porn.  Back when I was actively having sex, I still watched porn.  Some people collect baseball cards, love to knit or bake.  Me I like porn, it’s not something that I can openly share with people, which is sad but it’s probably better that way.  I have favorite performers and I actively follow them in social media.  I get that it’s just an act and they are real people, it’s actually interesting to see what they look like with their clothes on.  I suppose that all of this as a whole …. Porn, grieving, lack of companionship and the emptiness that I feel are all starting to weigh on me.  Throw in a little worry about my job and I suppose you have the disaster milkshake. 

I am who I am and I can’t and won’t change for anyone.  I often wondered how I would get by on my own.  I knew I could make it but I was tested and put in positions where my back was against the wall and I was cornered.  I am still standing and have made great strides.  I have gotten used to being alone, it doesn’t make the pain go away or the process easier.  I like being able to eat what I want, when I want without having to worry about someone else.  I certainly enjoy nap time and I don’t have to worry about any person making noise to disturb me.  There are feelings here that I just can’t translate into words but in summary I like the freedom and being able to live my life as I want.  A friend told me a long while ago that I was living conforming to what my partner wanted, that caused me to take a hard look at myself and I found out my friend was in fact correct.  My hope is that now that I have written about this and the fact that I am changing up my sleep medicine this next week will be much better for sleep and I will actually be able to relax and unwind the ball of nerves and emotion that I am.  All I want is happiness and someone to share it with, I don’t think that is asking too much.


Thanks for reading that blather.  10FF79FD-5DFC-4129-B4F6-98309857593E


I slept with my door open, I of course woke up in the middle of the night.  Not a big deal since it’s a weekend.  Momma heard me moving about and decided to come investigate.  She clawed the hell out of my head when she walked across it.  There was no hope of going back to sleep immediately, that silly woman woke me up.  I was pissed.  I evicted her from my room, closed the door turned on the machines (white noise and air purifier) and after a while I was able to fall back asleep after having been up for about two hours.  I also turned my cell phone off so that there were no alerts or emails heard otherwise I would have only gotten an hour’s sleep.  When I awoke it was 8:30a.  I decided reluctantly that I needed to start the day, despite the fact that my bed felt like a much more desirable place to stay.  I got breakfast for the children.  I checked my blood sugar which I do infrequently.  I was very pleased to see the result as being 100, that is awesome for a fasting reading.  Meaning that I had not eaten anything since yesterday and I had a lot of cake yesterday.  I guess the medication I take is more powerful than what I give it credit for.  I know that I shouldn’t be anywhere near sweets, Italian food or anything that contains excess amounts of sugar but I love it, always have and probably always will, even if it kills me in the end.  I’d rather die on a full stomach of delicious food than walk around looking like a stick and being healthy.  Losing weight has been an ongoing goal for me but it’s difficult, so I don’t try, despite knowing all of the benefits of exercise and how it would help in so many areas of my life, I would rather be a couch potato.   

Yesterday I found out that the movie I want to see on Christmas Eve isn’t playing at my local theater.  In fact, my only chance to see it there will be in about an hour.  It’s do or die if I want to see it without having to travel 20 plus miles.  Honestly with the release of Star Wars I figure that all of the theaters will look like a retail store on Black Friday.  I am not a huge crowd person if I can avoid it I will.  It doesn’t paralyze me it’s just a setting that I would rather not be in.  I will either write this one off by talking myself out of it or I will travel the 20 plus miles on Christmas Eve to see it. 

Nothing much else is going on, it’s a typical Sunday here.  Having pizza for supper as usual and I am skipping the extra cheese.  I tried to buy Lasagna today but my body wouldn’t let me.  I got flashbacks to a couple weeks ago and had to keep on moving.  The only frozen stuff I got was cheese sticks and a pizza.  The freezer is full up with dinners for the week.  I used my last $20 coupon at the grocery store.  I still have yet to see Christmas Cookies out.  I need to get to the upscale grocery store because they have them.  The more butter that is used to make them, the more I like them. 

I have been chatting with a co-worker that I have a crush on.  He is married and totally straight.  We got into some pretty heavy conversation about my past and life in general.  He invited me to have lunch with him.  It was comforting, I had a vague thought that it was sexual but I more have the overwhelming feeling that I am being pumped for information.  Outside of having a wicked crush on this handsome hottie who is only 30 years’ old I feel like he wants me to come out to him, it’s as if he knows I am gay but needs to hear me actually confirm it.  He is one of the many sources for office gossip.  He is actually the person that is running our office but only a couple people know that.  Our office manager is a woos and can’t make a decision to save his life, so he looks to someone that he trusts to make all of the decisions for him.  Mind you that when the vacancy opened for an office manager the guy that has the position is the one who applied for it.  He thought it would be a better fit for him and he is miserable.  Anyway this hottie has a sister who is a Lesbian so I don’t think that if I disclosed my sexuality and told him my story that it would cause him to ostracize me but I am pretty positive that it would change our friendship.  I think that he looks up to me a little bit but I could be mistaken.  I was telling all of this to a friend and they think that he might actually be Bi-Sexual and want to jump me.  Yeah if only.  No it would cause a problem because first it would be a work relationship/fling and second he is a married man, I don’t ever want to be the guy that someone’s spouse had sex with while they were married or in simpler terms ‘the other woman’.  I can’t help but stare at this guy’s crotch and body in general when I am around him, there is an obvious physical attraction.  Still I think I am better keeping ‘my secret’ to myself.  The odd thing is that he looks forward and encourages me to come by as often as I want.  He gets a break from work (despite the fact that he does very little to start with, he is a slacker) but if I don’t go by then I get shit from him and have to explain why I didn’t stop by.

Well it’s time to go tend to the laundry.  Gator is crying because she wants daddy and lunch as well.  I have a lot to launder and I am looking forward to a shave and hot shower.  It’s one of the things that I look forward to over the weekend.  Sucks that tomorrow is Monday and I have to go in.  However, it’s a short week so I take some solace in that.  Still hoping for Honey Baked Ham on Christmas!  I haven’t heard from my friends and probably won’t until Christmas Eve, they are the 11th hour kind of people.  No sense in calling ahead so you can arrange your day, I guess they think I am not that busy.  It’s more to the point of being able to plan my day, I am a routine person and if you fuck that up then the whole day has gone to shit.  I guess that is as close as I get to being Sheldon Cooper …. Bazinga!  If you don’t watch The Big Bang Theory the last couple of sentences won’t make any sense to you. 

Warmest wishes for a Merry Christmas, a great week and peace on earth.  I am sure we will talk again before the holiday but I just wanted to put it out there.  As usual thanks for stopping by and for reading this post.




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