Life goes on

So I took care of business last night.  I did get to see him and he was really perky.  He was chatty as well, I think he wanted to go home or at least that is what he expected.  So I had 2nd thoughts.  I goot the staff to bring me some food, he wouldn't eat it no matter what.  I really wanted him to, that would have been cause to go a different route.  I know in my heart that if I would have brough him home he would have eaten, but I can't say for certain that he would have kept it up.  I really think he wanted to see his buddy TAZ and just snuggle up and be left alone.  

I came in with the empty carrier and who was waiting for me but TAZ.  I didn't want him to see it but it didn't work out that way.  He just looked at me as if to say, well where is he?  I keep apologizing to him and explaing tht he is gone.  It feels really, really wrong.  

As you can well imagine I didn't get much sleep.  I left my door open last night in case TAZ wanted to come in.  Nope but Momma did and she walked all over me.  It was like Wild Kingdom.  I pretty much know for certain that the others really don't miss him because he always laid in wait for them and would scare the crap out of them.  I had to function as a peace keeper more often than not. 

I am at work, but this is the last place I really want to be.  I am functioning on auto pilot.  I walked away from my car and realized I forgot my access card.  I always keep it in the car so I won't forget home w/o it.  You can't do anything in this building w/o a card.  If you do happen to forget yours they will issue you a temporary.  Lose it and they will fine you $25 for a replacement.  Anyway, back on point I find myself doing all sorts of silly things.  It's stress and the shock of what I went through.

The vet was kind enough to make paw print impressions for me - she took one front and one rear.  I put them in the case so they wouldn't get squished.  Give them a bit to harden and then I will figure out what I want to do with them.  His remains will be coming back in about a week to a week and a half.  They said they will send a letter.  I said pick up the phone and call me, I want to bring his remains home asap.  

I did get to see his body, he looked at peace.  The vet said he went quick and there were no problems.  I know my boy isn't suffering anymore.  I told him to go find my late partner and tell him that I miss him too.  Hopefully we will all be together again some day when I leave this earth.

I've actually done pretty good today but blogging about this is starting to cause me to crumble and the tears are ready.  Not good because there will be a client here in a bit that needs my help.  Then I can actually eat lunch.  That is normally when I blog but I decided to switch things up a bit.  

So Shy Girl is eating but she is doing it in spurts - a little here and little there.  That is not normal but I am figuring that its related to the event that just took place and she senses how I feel.  I am sure they all know something is up or not quite right.  We survived the last loss and we will survive this loss.  I just hope the next loss doesn't happen for many years.  

Tonight I will be on-call.  I heard last night was only 2 calls and that is pretty good.  I hope that it's all quiet for me as well.  1 or 2 calls isn't bad in the grand scheme of things.  Then again we only are required to respond to urgent/emergencies.  Plus I looked at my check and they already paid me the on-call stipend which helps.  I've got a decent chunk of change to pay bills with.  Payday is tomorrow but we can get access to our stubs electronically 1 day prior.  Kind of cool so you know what to expect.  Better than waiting and checking the bank.  So my plans for tonight are to get the mail, pick up a gift card for my co-worker who was so kind to take my on-call for a night and get food for everyone.  Then pay bills, maybe look at some pron if I am in the mood.  Being depressed sure kills the sex drive quickly.  Of course I will be listening for the phone and watching TV.  Since people like to work a little late I will try to stay up until 10:30 if I can, but I really don't think tonight my body will have any problems with sleeping, I just hope work allows me to sleep.  I certainly don't need anything complicated to deal with and no middle of the night calls. 

Well now I am on lunch, late but at least there was time to eat.  I think the worst part of all of this is when you come to work and everyone asks you how are you doing.  Most people here have no clue what happened, I don't broadcast my life.  I did tell 1 co-worker and we had a follow up conversation in the lunchroom so now I am sure word will spread.  That's perfectly ok.  I still tell people I am okay, because well that is the response they are expecting - - it's a perfunctory question & answer.  Most people don't give a damn how you are.

I must say that the response on FB to my post announcing what happened, was really unexpected.  I didn't think that I would get so many responses/comments.  That was really heart warming.  I anticipated that a couple of other people would comment but nothing from them.  I get it, it's an awkward situation and people don't know what to say.  No one really knew BLU except for my friend that watches them when I am gone.  Outside of that it was just me and my late partner.  

The silence in the house is deafing.  I go to the bathroom and look at the door stop and think where is Blu he should be batting this around.  I go downstairs and see a tennis ball that he started to tear into. There are memories of him all around.  It's just like when I lost my partner and how he used to make noise and now no more.  I hope I don't have anymore noise makers, I don't want to lose anyone else.  

Well this is blathering and I sense I am starting to run on and on.  I am going to post this and then back to the grind.  Thanks for taking time out of your day to stop by.  I know more than 1 of you is reading this even if you don't comment.  Talk with you peeps later.