Lucky problem

Lucky aka Momma is starting to go to the bathroom outside the litter box again.  She is otherwise normal – eating, drinking, playing.  This is her way of telling me something is wrong.  I did some research this morning and the thyroid medication she is on is not compatable with her.  I say that based on symptoms that I have seen.  I really don’t want to spend any money right now but at the same time I don’t want to lose her.  It’s kind of a catch 22. 

I held off her dose of medication this morning, which I think she was thrilled about.  I am going to message the vet to see what they say and explain that I have serious financial issues right now so hopefully they won’t say you need to come back. 

When it rains it pours too bad it’s not Morton Salt that is pouring.  No one ever needs problems but I could sure use some easier ones than what I am going through right now.

Happy Friday!

One more day until Friday

Wow, I can’t believe we are about to stare another Friday in the face.  They do say that time flies when your having fun.  My life has been anything but fun this week but it’s nice to know that I will soon be looking at a break and maybe I will finally be able to launder my bed clothes.

I know that at least one of you are concerned about my post from yesterday and want to be kept in the know.  At the advise of legal counsel I am not able to talk any further about the matter I posted about yesterday.  If there comes a point where I can fill in the blanks I will certainly try.  I hope that you understand.

I still request your thoughts and prayers.  I am at work and going to try to go back to daily life as best as I can.  I can’t say that it will be easy but at this point it is what is best for me.  I am also a little freaked out about my finances having this issue come in and essentially rob me of money that I don’t have isn’t fun.  I pray that this event is not only over soon but that it doesn’t rob me of any additional funds.  I am not a Rockafeller, I am an average working class guy who lives paycheck to paycheck trying to stay afloat and survive. 

Sleepy and worn out are two accurate words that describe how I feel.  I was able to sleep in this morning but still at some point I had to get up.  Speaking of which I became super horny and wouldn’t you know it, not one but both of the streaming porn sites I subscribe to were both down and unable to play any video.  Just as well as it probably would have made me run late.  As it was I arrived early, which is typical and being in that position always makes me happy.  I hope those sites are back up tonight because I have a huge urge to fulfill, it has literally been days.  I am sure it will also help comfort me. 

The weather here has finally turned into Winter.  No snow yet, but we have a high chance for flurries and I will take that.  It would be awesome to have a snow day but we might be a ways off from that.  Speaking of which I moved my doctors appointment to next month, with all of the time off I have taken I figure it’s probably a wise move on my part.  I will have to let a quick lube place change the oil in my car and I am not happy about that but so long as it’s changed is the important part.  I won’t be rotating the tires but skipping one time probably won’t hurt anything or so I hope. 

I have been robbed of more than money, I have also lost a lot of time that I would spend on myself and with my children.  They know something is awry but there isn’t a way that I can explain it to them.  I just want to listen to peace and quiet, as I nap with my gator laying on me.  That sounds super awesome to me. 

Well back to it.  Take care and I will talk with you all again. 

Bad 2 Worse

Please pray for me, I need all of the help I can get.  Yesterday I learned that I am the primary suspect in the investigation with my mom’s house fire.  Law Enforcement tried to brow beat a confession out of me and the more I said I didn’t do it the more agressive they got.  We are at the stage now where I volunterred to take a voice stress test to see if I am lying – they claim this would help eliminate me as a suspect. 

As you can well imagine I am a wreck – operating on very little sleep, really don’t want to be at work, would love to get this little matter put to bed and behind me.  I am presently searching for an attorney.  It’s crazy to think that I have to hire an attorney to defend me, despite the fact that I am innocent.  Being able to pay for representation is going to be a major stumbling block. 

What is even more far fetched is that there is no financial motive or any incentive for me to have done this, as my name is not connected with that property, the insurance policy, etc.  So even if the insurance company elects to pay on the claim, I won’t see a dime of the money, which is perfectly fine by me. 

At this point I have serious doubts if I will ever talk with my brother and/or my mother again.  I feel like I have been framed, it’s just too convenient that after I was last there the event takes place.  I am going to limit what I post about this event, but wanted to at least circulate word that I would appreciate any prayer that you could send my way.  I just put my life back together after losing the love of my life, there is no reason whatsoever that I would want to flush it all down the toilet.  If I did I would comit suicide and not comit arson.

Thanks for your time and prayers. 

Explosion & Fire

My mom’s house had a fire on exploded yesterday evening.  I had gone back earlier in the day to obtain the stupid curio cabinet, which I wound up breaking part of the wood trying to load it into my vehicle.  There was an odor in the place on Friday but it was much stronger on Saturday.  It was nothing like I smelled before and it made me want to vomit.  I spent much of my evening giving a statement to the fire marshall and waiting for them to complete their initial investigation.  Finally around 2am on Sunday (today) we were allowed to leave.  The place didn’t have much fire damage but there is however smoke damage throughout the house.  A good majority of the windows were broken.  There is glass in the front yard that was expelled some 40 feet. 

The good news is that my brother has most of the valuables stored away.  I was able to get a few more items in my two days of being there.  No one was hurt, injured or killed.  The gas and electric were supposed to be turned off this past week but the power company never got around to it.  I think this was natural gas but I am far from the expert.

The house was going back to the bank since mom moved into a nursing home.  There is a huge question if there is still insurance on the propery.  That should be determined tomorrow when mom files a claim. 

The most difficult part of this, outside of trying to stay warm while the fire guys took their sweet ass time to milk all of the overtime they could, was me actually breaking the news to my mom this afternoon.  I was hoping that my brother had done it but of course he didn’t.  It was a huge tear fest and of course my mom thinks that the neighbor did it because he wanted her gone.  I told her you were already gone, what incentive would there be for him?  She didn’t have an answer for that.  Then it was the police man pushing a woman in a chair that had sprinkled drugs around the permiter of the house.  In other words her delusions came back to life.  I know this is really tough on her. 

I harbor guilt in that I probably should have called someone about the odor but I wasn’t positive what it was.  I feel really bad that I was the last person there.  Magically none of the neighbors heard an explosion or saw any smoke billowing from the house.  People just don’t want to get involved in this day and age.  What if it was your house?  You’d want someone to speak up.  A neighbor called my brother to tell him the curtains were flapping in the wind and a 1/2 hour later he drives up to see smoke and fire, then he calls for help.  So it sounds and looks suspicious.  We both have to give up our Tuesday in order to be questioned at the police station by the Fire Marshall.  However, if they thought that either one of us did this intentially they would have us in custody, they also would have taped off the house and neither of those things happened.  Still we are both a little nervous as to why we need to give a second statement and answer more questions.  This all should have been covered last night at the scene.

While I am sure that this will take months to fully settle.  I pray that my envolvement ends after Tuesday.  Everytime I try to help either one of them I get sucked into a huge mess.  This time is no different.  I am most thankful that this event didn’t take place while I was in the house, I am convinced someone is watching out for me because my cats need a father.  If it wasn’t for the cats I firmly believe that I woud have been dead a very long time ago.

Well so much for a more upbeat post.  I gave up my day, I am emotionally and physically exhausted.  The house still needs to be cleaned and I still have to capture a little girl who needs her nails trimmed.  I think I will be calling in for a couple days, I would be back on my feet by Tuesday and able to return to work then but I have Mr. Fire Marshall to deal with, which is why it’s 2 days.  Then next week I have the doctor.  Goodbye PTO not the way I wanted to spend my time.  This clearly was not the bang that I was looking to start the new year.  Here is hoping it gets better and fast!

So Long 2015…Hello 2016

I honestly put way too much thought into this post.  I was trying to think back on the major events of 2015.  The biggest 2 that stand out in my mind are the Bankruptcy going away and putting a roof on the house.  Those are both acomplishments.  The most negative event of 2015 was back in May when I lost Taz (LB).  FB showed me posts from 12/31 and the first one that showed up was from 2014 it was a photo of Taz passed out on the coffee table.  I remember that photo like it was yesterday.  I really miss that little guy.  I sure hope he is having fun with Blu and my late partner. 

I was able to stay up this year and ring in the New Year.  I didn’t do anything special.  I watch re-runs of shows via the A&E app.  Then called it a night after midnight, went to bed and got up early this morning around 9:30a.  I watched The Price Is Right and then headed to the Rehab Center (nursing home) to see my mom.  The place where she is at smells and looks like a nursing home.  They have a broken alarm in her wing so it sounds like someone is in need of help all of the time, there is no silence.  I couldn’t sleep in a place like that.  I am kind of sad to see her in that place.  She didn’t have a key to the house and once she realized that she started crying.  I started talking about a spare key and then she remembered that she gave a neighbor a spare key.  So she called and made arrangements for me to get the key.

Today felt a lot like I buried my family.  I was so sad, I wanted to cry but didn’t.  The water is turned off but the gas & electric are still on.  All of the good stuff is gone.  I got most of the stuff my mom wanted and then I took a lot of stuff just for me.  Good thing I brougt the truck because it was full when I left.  The basement has water in it and the house smells mildrew and mold.  No one would want to inhabit that place.  It was difficult for me to be there the few hours that I was.  I had plans to see a movie and grab a bite to eat but changed them once I saw that I had a mountain to deal with. 

I did a quick walk through.  The place was freezing because there isn’t any heat turned on.  The thermostat said it was 60 degrees.  I fired up the furnace since the lights worked and it was warming up but never quite got to 70.  My brother is going to shit when he gets the bill for that.  Not to mention the electric that I used as well.  I found a charger and decided it was best to charge up my phone.  The bad thing about that is I almost left the phone behind.

So the kitchen was first on my list.  I looked for old glasses that I remember from growing up and was able to snag a few of them.  Then there was a bottle opener, a small tape measure and general junk stuff.  My brother had put both of the dressers in the kitchen, so I went through them.  The one we used as kids was full of CD’s.  Mom has amazing taste in music for the most part.  There were tons of CD’s that were not even out of the wrapper.  Some old stuff and some new stuff.  I just took what I liked and some of it was taken just to piss my brother off.  Then I saw what used to be grandpa’s dresser which was passed down to my brother.  So I rummaged through that.  There was a lot of momentos of grandpa, I am sure he wanted to keep them but I took them as well.  One of which was his dog tags from WWII, we have the same name but our middle names are different.  The Army didn’t print middle names or initals on dog tags so they kind of look like they are mine, except the ssn # doesn’t match up.  The best find was a $25 gift card an Aunt gave to my mom for Christmas 2 years ago for Applebee’s.  I checked and it’s still valid so I took it.  Moving on to the living room there were coats that my mom wanted, got both of them.  Then I saw some old hangers from when grandpa used to work at a major dept. store that has long since gone out of business, they were actually purchased by what is Dillard’s today.  I took the hangers because they are unique.  This will sound really strange but the ceiling fan in the living room had pull chains with weights on them, I took them as I knew they would be able to add pleasure to an existing adult toy I have.  I was right, it feels more awesome now.  I grabbed a couple blankets that were crocheted.  There is a large curio cabinet that has been emptied out but I really would like it.  I think it would look great in my living room once I got the mountain of dust off of it.  It looks heavy so I passed on it.  Next up was mom’s room.  Man there was so much stuff in there.  Most of which was photos of us as kids.  I wanted all of my photos for nastolga sake.  While the photos were probably equal it seemed to me that she had more more of my brother than me.  I really wanted my baby book, it was something that my grandma put together and she never wanted mom to have it.  So I saw this as the perfect time to take it back but it was no where to be found.  I am guessing my brother has it or so I hope.  Anyway, plenty of photos and it all took a lot more time to go through than I anticipated.  I found the US Flag my mom was given when Grandpa passed away.  It’s in a plastic wrapper from the funeral home that has since cracked.  I need to purchase a display case for it in order to preserve it.  Kind of a unique momento to have.  There were some photos of my mom and her parents that I hung on to as well.  There was a full length woodem mirror that I got.  The dogs damaged part of it but still it looks great for the most part.  My brothers room was up next and it was pretty well vacant.  I nosed around in what was there and took a wooden chair, it’s nothing much to look at, but there are memories tied to it.  Then I hit up the bathroom and took the bath rug and the rug that fits around the toilet.  There really wasn’t anything else in there that I wanted.  Moving on to the hall closet which was cleaned out.  There was a large box of photos in there that I was hoping to get but didn’t.  Then was on to what used to be my room.  I looked around but there wasn’t anything in there that was worth my time.  My moms reading machine is in there and she said that she may need me to pick it up but for now she was relying on my brother for that.  Then it was time to grab everything, load up the truck and get out of that place.  I think I remembered to turn off all of the lights.  The heat is off for sure.  I thought about leaving it on but figured that would spark one hell of a war between me and my brother.  I think as it is he will be upset that I was there without him and that I got anything from the place at all.  I have forgotten a couple things so I am going back probably tomorrow. 

The strange part of it all was being in the house all by myself.  No dogs, no people – just deafing silence.  Memories came flooding back like a river – some good, some bad but mostly the fact that what was my childhood home will soon be no more.  I came across the mortgage papers that my mom signed to put the place in hock.  Despite the fact that it’s old, probably chocked full of mold and is in need of some serious repairs, I would have rather that she sold the place than to just give it back to a bank.  I can hear grandpa now rollong over in his grave.  He gave it to her debt free and like everything that she touches she fucked it all up.  My brother could save the place but he doesn’t want to live there, things would be different if there wasn’t a mortgage he and his girl would be living there for certain.  That is the house that not only I grew up in but that I had my first sexual expereince in, the whole thing is just overwhelming to me. 

Once I loaded up I headed for home and I was never so glad to get here.  I needed to wash my hands and bad.  I cut my hand on the plastic case the flag was on, I had to use the bathroom while I was there and wasn’t able to wash my hands afterwards.  Used up all of their TP and there was no more.  So I unloaded the truck and got everything in the garage.  Then came in and got cleaned up.  Then I was physically and emotionally spent.  I had to pass out, so I did.  My plans were to get a bite to eat at Applebee’s but that didn’t work out.  It was 3 when I got home and when I woke up it was 5.  Gator was yapping for food, so I fed the chilren and then worked on turning some frozen items into dinner for me.  Spaghetti & Meatballs with 3 garlic cheese breadsticks.  Then for desert I put away I can’t tell you how many small bite scones and pecan sandie cookies.  Then it was time to get my house cleaned up and get some of that stuff from the garage into the house.  The kids got nervous and Marvin in particular was scared out of his mind.  I guess he thinks I am going to get him but he’s perfectly safe, just overly paranoid.

I’ve got the laundry going, the dishes done and I finally paid my bills.  I never put off paying bills but this time I did because I needed some time to think, I had to give a credit card less money than I wanted to.  However I need money to live.  Surprisingly I pay cash for most everything from food, to gas.  I don’t like to charge it unless there is no other option.  What has gotten me in trouble is monthly subscriptions and then using Amazon – all of that goes on a credit card.  Provided nothing major happens I should be able to dig out from all of this in a few months time.  I could use my savings but then if a rainy day comes along I won’t have an emergency fund to fall back on. 

I look forward to a facial, a nice hot shower and then passing out and starting another day tomroorow.  I’d like to get out of bed early so I can actually see the movie that I have been trying to see for more than 2 months now. 

Last night I made a critical mistake, I browsed TV and came across a Pay Per View event that will take place on 1/2 it’s a UFC Fight that features Carlos Condit, I just wanted to see about it and wound up ordering the damn thing.  I looked for ways to cancel when I didn’t find any I wanted to know how much it was.  Turns out it’s $50 so I picked up the phone and said hello AT&T I need help.  The lady I talked with couldn’t find my order but said that it should come through after midnight so she would monitor my account and get it cancelled.  I certainly hope so because there is no way I am paying $50.  I wouldn’t pay it if he was naked and I wouldn’t pay it if it was porn.  Right now my bill with tv and phone is around $150 which isn’t horrible but it could be better.  My promo expires in a couple weeks and unless I call them and work out a better deal it’s going to jump to $237 which is outrageous.  I have NEVER paid that much for phone and TV.  If we can’t work out a deal then I am going to part ways with them and go back to Cable.  However, I would rather work out a deal and I am even toying with adding a reciver, depending upon what I can work out. 

Oh btw if you are following me and remember Rich & Justin I found out that they split.  Yeah Justin is still in AZ but Rich moved to Chicago.  They are still friends.  Justin has a new BF.  I really liked them both, just never understood why or how they could agree to an open relationship.  All it takes is someone to give you more pleasure when your having sex and then you want to leave.  That is always how those things seem to play out.  I got my information from Instagram of all places.  It was quite a shock for me.

Happy New Year and thanks for reading my blather.  I hope this is a much better year for all of us and hopefully the year that I get a BF of my own and hopefully his ass can cook!! 

Risky Move

By the title you can already tell that I did something that was risky.  One of the guys at work that I have a crush on and he’s straight … married with children, well he’s been baiting me to tell him that I am gay.  Today he told me a story about a friend of his who decided to come out of the closet.  From what he mentioned his friend and I have a lot in common.  So I gave in against my better judement and came out to him.  This is the same guy that is known to tell everything he knows.  I explained to him that the information that I shared with him was to stay between us and go no further.  I did tell him to mention me to his friend that just came out of the closet.  I also asked him to see a photo of the guy, he’s okay looking not someone that I would approach.  Who knows we may hit it off or we may just be good friends.  Either way I am hoping that this ends up a win in my book and not a move that I will regret. 

Tonight I looked up his friend on Facebook to take my time in looking at his photo and well my opinion hasn’t changed, he is average looking and again not someone that I would approach.  He works in Law Enforcement and I have an interest in that.  I’m not sure what will come of this but nothing ventured, nothing gained.  He knows other people that are gay and who knows maybe one of those people might be a match. 

I really surprised myself that I gave in because I have said that I would never, ever tell him.  Today I guess may have been a weak moment and he did admit to baiting me.  I was pretty blunt in that I told him I didn’t think I could trust him but I was going to give him a chance and hopefully he would prove me wrong and be able to keep my secret. 

Is it the end of the world if everyone at work knows?  Not really but it’s apart of my life that I prefer to keep to myself, I feel sexuality or sexual id has no place in the office.  There would be people that would talk about me but hey they already do that.  At the end of the day, I am who I am and there is no one or nothing that can change that.  I have had my sexual identity cost me a job in the past and therefore I am a bit skiddish about airing this information, as there is so much more riding on my job today than ever before.  If I lose my job, I think it would prove difficult to find a replacement and make what I am paid today, which thankfully is what is allowing me to continue to live in the house and pay all of the bills. 

Good move or bad move?  I suppose only time will tell.  Outside of that work has been kind of busy with people trying to get stuff done before the year grinds to a halt.  Tomorrow I expect will be busier than the past two but Thursday I suspect will be the quiet day of the week.  Lots of people are out and while I wish I was one of them, this is easy money so why not take it!

Time to pass out treats to the kids and call it a night.  Relaxing by playing with my iPhone because I didn’t get much of an opportunity today at work and I just have to know what is going on in social media and I have to check the dating apps.  Truth be told, I probably didn’t miss much.  Things are floating around here, water is everywhere.  Funny thing is one of our offices closed early yesterday because of snow flurries meanwhile we needed a canoe to get home and they made us work a full day.  Really?!  I hope your staying warm and that life is treating you well.

Christmas 2015

 

Christmas

 

All in all, things turned out okay.  I did get rather mad a couple times but didn’t let it show.  First, about an hour before I was supposed to arrive I got a message that said to pick up soda because they forgot.  I question if they really forgot it or if they just wanted me to pay for something.  They normally don’t drink soda.  So a quick stop at a gas station and soda I had.  I took it out of the money I was giving them for Christmas.  Maybe that was wrong but again I was ticked.  They told some friends that normally attend that they were getting an Amazon Gift Card.  I was really hoping for the same thing because they know that I am an Amazon-a-holic.  Nope instead they got me a gift card to one of my favorite restaurants, but it was a very small amount.  I again reduced the amount of their gift to match exactly what they gave me in a gift card.  That was probably wrong but it’s my money. 

 

As for the meal, we had Prime Rib and not standing rib roast.  There were 2 cuts of meat.  One was well done and the other was rare.  It was not fatty but it was tough and they passed out butter knives, which were not sharp at all.  So it took forever to get through the small slab of meat they put on my plate.  There were green beans, garlic mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes that I ate.  They also had Brussel sprouts and horseradish for the meat.  I didn’t have either of those last two items. 

 

There was the usual h’orderves of olives, pickles, carrots and dill dip.  Then there were crackers and cheese.  They had a cheese ball but elected not to put it out, that is what I really wanted. 

 

Desert was the usual cranberry walnut tart, which was excellent.  There was no fresh made whipped crème. 

 

I stayed much later than I wanted to but still managed to get home at a decent hour.  The children were very happy that I was home.  I also had a carry out portion of the meal that I was sent home with.  There are parts I want to eat and parts that I don’t. 

 

Rest of the time

 

I have had my fair share of naps as well as interrupted sleep.  I am not used to sleeping with 3 cats in my small twin bed.  It makes for quite a challenge because I don’t like to be held down.  I switch beds a lot but get serenaded by Insty (aka Gator).  She really puts all she has into it and I usually wind up giving in and getting up, regardless of the time.  Not tonight because tomorrow is back to work.  She will be sleeping in the living room.  It’s kind of funny she has a corner of my bed that she claims as hers.  Marvin & Momma both want to be on the same side but Momma doesn’t like being near Marvin, she doesn’t like to be around any of her children since she got sick.  She is very crabby with them.  However, she will eat with them.  Silly woman I just don’t get her. 

 

The laundry and dishes got done early.  I did grocery shopping and trash today as I normally would.  I went to the upscale store again today just to switch it up.  I got some items that I normally wouldn’t have.  The one thing that I wanted was Snowballs (cookies) but they no longer had them.  I looked everywhere, but no luck.  Not happy but that is the way it goes. 

 

I went out for supper last night it was really fancy.  Taco Bell!  Yeah I got an order to go 2 Burrito Supremes and 2 regular tacos.  Ate it all in one sitting and it was delicious! 

 

I have ripped some music from CD to my iTunes so that I can have it on my phone.  I have also acquired some music from online.  Adam Lambert, Daft Punk, Paul Oakenfold to name a few.  I had to fight with ripping the soundtrack from the movie Latter Days to my system.  It was copy protected so I couldn’t play the CD, because apparently the license wouldn’t install, I suppose because I have Windows 10 and not Windows 98 but hey.  I made it work and had to manually label all of the tracks, which was not fun but it’s done.  I look forward to many hours of listening pleasure. 

 

I have spent a lot of time with surfing for porn, cute guys and smut in general.  Just because I could.  I have also watched a lot of Movies and TV.  I saw Snervous last night which is a movie by Tyler Oakley.  It was interesting but I kind of wish that I would have not seen it.  I thought he would open up a little more than he did.  Apparently the content I am looking for can be purchased in his book, yeah I don’t see me getting that. 

 

Family

 

I had just laid down for a nap when my phone rang on Christmas Day.  Caller ID said it was my brother.  I didn’t move to answer it and let it go to voice mail.  Then pretty soon my cell phone started, again it was him and I let that too go to voice mail.  When I woke up I listened to my messages and turns out it was my mom wishing me a Merry Christmas. 

 

I spoke with her today we played phone tag a bit.  She is a little unhappy given the circumstances but she said that she feels safer where she is.

 

For Christmas my brother being ‘the good son’ picked her up and took her to his girlfriend’s place.  Where they enjoyed a Christmas meal.  Even though I typically have plans of my own you would have thought that I would have been invited but that didn’t happen.  My brother didn’t even call to say Merry Christmas, not that I expected it but things were a little different a year ago.

 

Apparently my brother thinks that he has until May to clear out the house because that is when the bank will be wanting the house back.  My mom keeps on telling him to get stuff out of there but he is procrastinating.  ½ of what she wants he suddenly is having a hard time finding.  However, he got all of the stuff of value out and gave it to his girlfriend.  What a twit.  In talking with my mom she said that she still has a key to the house with her.  So I am going to stop by on Friday (New Year’s Day) and pick it up.  Then I will be able to go to the house and see what’s left.  Mom is worried about yet another fur coat that she has there, that he won’t get.  So I will be picking that up along with God knows what else.  I am taking the truck so that I have extra room but I don’t plan on packing it full of stuff because I already have a house full of crap that I can’t use or don’t want.  On one hand I look forward to seeing what is left and on another hand I really don’t want to see the place.  I just hope this isn’t a trap to try to get me arrested, I have to play paranoid because no one else will play it for me. 

 

I can tell that there is some serious regret that my mom has and it sounds like things are moving very slow to get her in to the recovery program that she needs to be in.  The holidays I know don’t help that process, but until she starts and completes the program she can’t get discharged.  I know that my brother could bust her out but there would be the small problem of where she would live. 

 

 

Weather

 

It was awesome on Christmas Day.  60 degrees felt like I was in CA or FL and there was plenty of sunshine.  Then Friday hit and it started raining and hasn’t stopped yet.  It is going to keep up until sometime on Monday.  There is a lot of flooding going on.  There are small puddles in my front yard.  I live up on a hill so I am not at risk, but I remember a time years ago when I came home from work and the subdivision was flooded.  We had such a large amount of rainfall that the storm drains couldn’t keep up.  I like so many other people you see on TV drove in to water that I wasn’t sure I would make my way out of.  Once I decided to enter it, I didn’t let my foot off of the gas and got to the driveway with minimal effort.  I certainly understand how you can think your invincible and that you can drive into what looks like a small puddle only to find out that you just entered a small creek.

 

There are plenty of road closures, power outages and unfortunately people that have been killed.  I really wish the rain would stop.  I was thinking this morning as I got out in it that it was cold but if the temps drop a lot then it would all turn to ice and we would have a different kind of problem on our hands.  I don’t know that anyone would be going anywhere.

 

I really want snow, it’s a sign of comfort for me but it’s just not here yet.  Today would be my anniversary, it hit me this morning.  I remembered that I timed it two months to the day of his birthday.  We would be celebrating legally 3 years, despite the fact that we had been together for over 20.  I spent ½ of my life with him and it is not so easy to just put it all behind me or file it all away.  Our Civil Union License hangs in the living room as a tribute to what we had.  I know that making our relationship legal meant the world to both of us.

 

Okay so it’s time to feed the Gator who is bugging the crap out of me.  I need to put in my pizza and then shave & shower.  Then it will be back to the computer for a little bit.  Wow today seems to be flying by compared to the rest of the time off.  I still look forward to having Friday off and hold out some hope that they will let us go early again on Thursday because even 2 hours is an extension of what I could have had.  I did get invited to my friends for New Year’s Eve.  They don’t have a formal meal but rather eat snack food.  I will be quite content here at home celebrating knowing that I am safe and with my furry children.

More to come as the week progresses.  I hope that your Christmas was the best and that your well, warm and safe!

Christmas Eve

 

 

 

All is quiet and all is calm here.  Yesterday I got a call at work from the person in charge and was told that we could leave 2 hours early.  I was so thankful for that.  It gave me an opportunity to stop at the post office and get Bear’s pee pads.  Then I came home and took care of the kids and lounged on the couch for the majority of the evening.  When I had enough I just went to bed.  Rather boring and uneventful.

Television is becoming quite the challenge for me now.  It’s tough to find something that I want to watch.  Most of the things that are on Amazon & Netflix that interest me I have seen.  I did watch a documentary this morning about ‘The Killing Squad’ a group of Army Soliders who killed innocent civilians in Afganistan.  It was horrible because the person that blew the whistle got punished as if he was a criminal.  He didn’t do anything but bring the event to light.  Sometimes it just doesn’t pay to open your mouth even if that is doing the right thing.  I think this would have been a non event had he not said anything.  However, he would have had to live with himself and I can understand the guilt that would be associated with that. 

On to something better, we can talk about the presents I have thus far.  I got a $10 Cheesecake Gift Card, a bag of Cat shaped Pasta and a Daily Cat Calendar.  I am interested in what tomorrow brings, my guess is a gift card to a resturant or two.  I’m still giving cash because it’s easier and then they can spend it on whatever they want. 

Last night I got the information on Christmas Dinner, I am so not happy.  It’s fucking standing rib roast.  I feel like stopping at McDonald’s before I go over and then when I get there telling them that I am stuffed.  Yes that would be rude but I am not looking forward to eating fatty meat.  I can only hope they do a better job of trimming the fat away.  There just won’t be a whole lot for me to enjoy but I will eat and put up a brave front.  Might stop some place when I am done.  Were not eating until 3p and that means that the food won’t be ready to be served until 4p….they are never, ever on time.  Not to sound ungreatful but there are just a few things that rub me wrong.  I appreciate the effort they are going to try to make my holiday enjoyable. 

Since we got Christmas Eve off, I decided to hit up the upscale grocery store.  I have some Christmas Cookies, BBQ and a premade Turkey Dinner that will be my supper.  Not to mention I had a super hot bagger boy, I could have taken him home no wrapping necessary!

I had a bout of insomnia last night and not sure why other than the holiday approaching.  I did eventually fall back asleep.  Then I also made up for the lost sleep or so I think by napping after my morning grocery shopping.  Ms. Gator laid on top of me as if I would get away.  I even moved from my chair to the couch and she followed and got back up on me.  She just loves her daddy.  I don’t think she knows how much she grates on my nerves.  I don’t mind her being around me it’s the insessant meowing that drives me crazy.  Marvin was so funny, I was watching TV just before I past out and he was already in a napping mode.  His neck disappeared and that means he is going to sleep.  My cell phone was on the bed next to him.  I got an email message, which caused an alert.  He just gave a dirty look to the phone.  Then it kept happening and he was pissed and wanted to eat the phone.  He started sniffing it and pawing at it, that is when I grabbed it from him and put it in airplane mode.  I told him it won’t bother us anymore.  It took a little bit but he settled down and his neck disappeared and soon he was in slumber land.  

Yesterday, I got a call from the doctor yesterday and they are finally going to refill my sleeping medicine.  However, they required me to make an appointment for next month and they want to do a physical.  Oh joy.  I am toying with the idea of switching doctors, this guy isn’t all that responsive and I am ready to kick him to the curb.  I am going to do some surfing and see what I can find, if there isn’t anyone else that is mroe attractive (hours, location, etc.) then I will just stay put.  I remember what I went through the last time I went doctor shopping and it was not a fun or cheap experience. 

There is much to do around here it’s just that I lack the energy to do it.  Since I got the other UPS going I had to figure out where to put it.  I split the load on my main unit, I have yet to test it but it should work.  Hopefully I am right.  Dinner time is approaching and I am so looking forward to Turkey.  I also found the other thing that I have been looking for that is Creamed Chipped Beef, it’s made by Bob Evans.  I am so excited about that, it made the whole day – well that plus the cute guy at the grocery store. 

Saturday I found that the bargain theater will be showing the movie that I want to see, so I am going to head there and see it on the cheap.  Then afterward I will be close to all of the good places to eat, so I can get some grub.  Sounds like an okay day to me. 

I have reached out to a few guys on one of the dating apps.  They are all younger than me and I don’t expect a single reply but it feels good to have made a move.  The dating game appears to be all about risk … if you have the balls to talk to someone or make the first move then you never know it could all work in your favor and be a match or it could turn into a disaster.  Perhaps next year will be my year and then I will be able to find the guy of my dreams and delete all of those apps. 

I wish you all a Very Merry Christmas and I hope that you are surrounded with the people that you love, good food and that you have a good time and make some memories for years to come.  Be safe and have a godo time!  Talk with you all again soon.

Emotional Blather and a daily update

 

 

I have had trouble this entire past week with sleeping.  Last night I had the worst dream.  My late partner broke up with me and wanted nothing to do with me.  I don’t know why but it really hurt.  Typically, when I wake up in the middle of the night it’s because there is something going on … I am worried about something, someone is seriously ill, I have concerns over my job – there is a reason to pin point and it’s not a mystery.  This time it appears as a mystery.  Although since I had the dream about my partner I am wondering if it’s is not over the holidays, the fact that I will be alone, etc.  It is a concern of mine but I know the holidays will be just like any other day and I of course will feel his absence and it will hurt, this is pretty much a given.  I don’t know why my subconscious mind is giving me such a fit.  I wish it would stop.  In an attempt to combat this, I am going to double up on sleep medicine, I will wake up feeling drunk but it’s better to be well rested, or so I think.  You are about to enter the blather zone. 

I suppose all of the porn I consume, the many thousands of images that I look at of hot guys (naked or not) and of course looking when I am out probably helps contribute to the above issue.  I can easily admit that I am addicted to porn, I love it and thirst for more.  Watch one scene it serves its purpose and I am ready for the next scene.  Yet I collect scenes that I like to watch again later.  It is to the point that it’s an obsession but it’s been that way since I first saw porn as a child.  I love to watch people fuck, this is my sex life.  It’s safe, no one gets hurt, I don’t have to please anyone else, cleanup is easy and best of all there is no risk of disease.  However, I have found that you can injure your penis from too vigorous masturbation.  That was not fun but it didn’t stop me.  I am addicted to orgasm; I wish that I had multiples of them but I would only want more.  The older I get I find the kinkier I am getting, since being on my own I have been able to explore some new things that I can get pleasure from.  It’s liberating and it just plain feels good.

That said I am still looking for a new partner.  Starting off as friends and dating then building from there.  I do have concerns about preforming in bed but I don’t obsess over that now because there is no one to perform for, I will worry more about it when I get to meet that special someone.  Even then I can tell you that I won’t want to give up porn.  Back when I was actively having sex, I still watched porn.  Some people collect baseball cards, love to knit or bake.  Me I like porn, it’s not something that I can openly share with people, which is sad but it’s probably better that way.  I have favorite performers and I actively follow them in social media.  I get that it’s just an act and they are real people, it’s actually interesting to see what they look like with their clothes on.  I suppose that all of this as a whole …. Porn, grieving, lack of companionship and the emptiness that I feel are all starting to weigh on me.  Throw in a little worry about my job and I suppose you have the disaster milkshake. 

I am who I am and I can’t and won’t change for anyone.  I often wondered how I would get by on my own.  I knew I could make it but I was tested and put in positions where my back was against the wall and I was cornered.  I am still standing and have made great strides.  I have gotten used to being alone, it doesn’t make the pain go away or the process easier.  I like being able to eat what I want, when I want without having to worry about someone else.  I certainly enjoy nap time and I don’t have to worry about any person making noise to disturb me.  There are feelings here that I just can’t translate into words but in summary I like the freedom and being able to live my life as I want.  A friend told me a long while ago that I was living conforming to what my partner wanted, that caused me to take a hard look at myself and I found out my friend was in fact correct.  My hope is that now that I have written about this and the fact that I am changing up my sleep medicine this next week will be much better for sleep and I will actually be able to relax and unwind the ball of nerves and emotion that I am.  All I want is happiness and someone to share it with, I don’t think that is asking too much.

 

Thanks for reading that blather. 

 

I slept with my door open, I of course woke up in the middle of the night.  Not a big deal since it’s a weekend.  Momma heard me moving about and decided to come investigate.  She clawed the hell out of my head when she walked across it.  There was no hope of going back to sleep immediately, that silly woman woke me up.  I was pissed.  I evicted her from my room, closed the door turned on the machines (white noise and air purifier) and after a while I was able to fall back asleep after having been up for about two hours.  I also turned my cell phone off so that there were no alerts or emails heard otherwise I would have only gotten an hour’s sleep.  When I awoke it was 8:30a.  I decided reluctantly that I needed to start the day, despite the fact that my bed felt like a much more desirable place to stay.  I got breakfast for the children.  I checked my blood sugar which I do infrequently.  I was very pleased to see the result as being 100, that is awesome for a fasting reading.  Meaning that I had not eaten anything since yesterday and I had a lot of cake yesterday.  I guess the medication I take is more powerful than what I give it credit for.  I know that I shouldn’t be anywhere near sweets, Italian food or anything that contains excess amounts of sugar but I love it, always have and probably always will, even if it kills me in the end.  I’d rather die on a full stomach of delicious food than walk around looking like a stick and being healthy.  Losing weight has been an ongoing goal for me but it’s difficult, so I don’t try, despite knowing all of the benefits of exercise and how it would help in so many areas of my life, I would rather be a couch potato.   

Yesterday I found out that the movie I want to see on Christmas Eve isn’t playing at my local theater.  In fact, my only chance to see it there will be in about an hour.  It’s do or die if I want to see it without having to travel 20 plus miles.  Honestly with the release of Star Wars I figure that all of the theaters will look like a retail store on Black Friday.  I am not a huge crowd person if I can avoid it I will.  It doesn’t paralyze me it’s just a setting that I would rather not be in.  I will either write this one off by talking myself out of it or I will travel the 20 plus miles on Christmas Eve to see it. 

Nothing much else is going on, it’s a typical Sunday here.  Having pizza for supper as usual and I am skipping the extra cheese.  I tried to buy Lasagna today but my body wouldn’t let me.  I got flashbacks to a couple weeks ago and had to keep on moving.  The only frozen stuff I got was cheese sticks and a pizza.  The freezer is full up with dinners for the week.  I used my last $20 coupon at the grocery store.  I still have yet to see Christmas Cookies out.  I need to get to the upscale grocery store because they have them.  The more butter that is used to make them, the more I like them. 

I have been chatting with a co-worker that I have a crush on.  He is married and totally straight.  We got into some pretty heavy conversation about my past and life in general.  He invited me to have lunch with him.  It was comforting, I had a vague thought that it was sexual but I more have the overwhelming feeling that I am being pumped for information.  Outside of having a wicked crush on this handsome hottie who is only 30 years’ old I feel like he wants me to come out to him, it’s as if he knows I am gay but needs to hear me actually confirm it.  He is one of the many sources for office gossip.  He is actually the person that is running our office but only a couple people know that.  Our office manager is a woos and can’t make a decision to save his life, so he looks to someone that he trusts to make all of the decisions for him.  Mind you that when the vacancy opened for an office manager the guy that has the position is the one who applied for it.  He thought it would be a better fit for him and he is miserable.  Anyway this hottie has a sister who is a Lesbian so I don’t think that if I disclosed my sexuality and told him my story that it would cause him to ostracize me but I am pretty positive that it would change our friendship.  I think that he looks up to me a little bit but I could be mistaken.  I was telling all of this to a friend and they think that he might actually be Bi-Sexual and want to jump me.  Yeah if only.  No it would cause a problem because first it would be a work relationship/fling and second he is a married man, I don’t ever want to be the guy that someone’s spouse had sex with while they were married or in simpler terms ‘the other woman’.  I can’t help but stare at this guy’s crotch and body in general when I am around him, there is an obvious physical attraction.  Still I think I am better keeping ‘my secret’ to myself.  The odd thing is that he looks forward and encourages me to come by as often as I want.  He gets a break from work (despite the fact that he does very little to start with, he is a slacker) but if I don’t go by then I get shit from him and have to explain why I didn’t stop by.

Well it’s time to go tend to the laundry.  Gator is crying because she wants daddy and lunch as well.  I have a lot to launder and I am looking forward to a shave and hot shower.  It’s one of the things that I look forward to over the weekend.  Sucks that tomorrow is Monday and I have to go in.  However, it’s a short week so I take some solace in that.  Still hoping for Honey Baked Ham on Christmas!  I haven’t heard from my friends and probably won’t until Christmas Eve, they are the 11^th hour kind of people.  No sense in calling ahead so you can arrange your day, I guess they think I am not that busy.  It’s more to the point of being able to plan my day, I am a routine person and if you fuck that up then the whole day has gone to shit.  I guess that is as close as I get to being Sheldon Cooper …. Bazinga!  If you don’t watch The Big Bang Theory the last couple of sentences won’t make any sense to you. 

Warmest wishes for a Merry Christmas, a great week and peace on earth.  I am sure we will talk again before the holiday but I just wanted to put it out there.  As usual thanks for stopping by and for reading this post.

 

 

AT&T Day

I didn’t know that I would spend most of my evening last night with AT&T.  Things were going good and my memory kicked in, so I called.  I figured since it was around 7p they would be closed, but no, open which was nice.  I got a lady who I think was of asian decent.  She didn’t take time to listen to what I said, she was applying selective hearing.  She wanted to dismiss my trouble and blame it on the network, they started the show late.  I assured her that was not the case.  She wanted to format my DVR back to factory, I had to ask two times for her to put the case on hold, I would need time to gather information from the DVR and I would call back.  Finally she gave in.  I was so pissed when I got off the phone I was yelling.  I quickly made a list of all of my recurring recordings and then called back.  This time I spoke with an American who took the time to listen and she was very helpful.  We reached a point that it was obvious that she wasn’t going to be able to help me fix the issue, a tech needed to come out.  I knew that all along but had to play the silly game.  So I made an appointment for Saturday afternoon.  I got a time window and was told the tech could be here between 2 and 4 hours, there was a possibility of a charge if the trouble was on my end and not in their equipment.  What are the odds that wire is going to go bad?  I said okay. 

I chose a morning appointment and then quickly switched it to afternoon.  I remembered that I had to make it to the post office.  So I did that, got gas for the car and shopped for cat food.  Then back home to spend time with the muffins and wait for 1p.  The tech called me shortly after 1p to let me know he was on the way.  As per usual with anyone that comes to my house he got lost and was driving up and down the street, finally he realized which house he was supposed to go to.  He decided to start with a modem.  I told him that I didn’t feel it was the modem but that I was fine with him replacing it.  They also call this a Residential Gateway.  He was quick to tell me my wifi password was going to change and I told him I don’t have internet with AT&T, so that made his job a little easier.  While we waited for the equipment to boot back up, we made idle chit chat.  I explained more of the issue to him and he told me that if we can prove the DVR is bad he would replace it.  Thankfully we were able to prove the DVR was bad and he kept his word.  The odd thing is I got a larger modem but a smaller DVR that actually holds more recordings.  I am not complaining just made the observation of the size of the equipment, because you know to some of us size matters.    He replaced everything that he possibly could that would cause the problem.  There are only two other peices of equipment a wireless receiver and the wireless transmitter that communicates with the receiver.  I feel very confident that the issue has been resolved.  I won’t know for sure for a couple weeks until shows return from holiday break and I have multiple recordings going at one.  So there was no charge for the visit and I actually got an upgrade that didn’t cost me a thing.  Yeah wait until January when my contract is up.  They are going to try to rape me and I of course won’t allow that, unless they promise to use lube first.  Seriously they will work with me or I will drop them like a bad habit.  They get plenty of money from me every year and since the cellular bill is going up in February it’s the least they can do for me.  Stay tuned to find out how that turns out, they won’t negotiate until you are days away from your contract ending.  My guess is there is a hidden auto renew clause and you will be bound to a new contract but they say that isn’t the case.  Yeah well we shall see.

Before the technician arrived I decided to watch The Big Bang Theroy.  I was invested into the program and at the 25 minute mark the damn recording stopped.  It thought that the recording was done, when it wasn’t.  It was painful but there was only one solution.  Go watch it On Demand.  That meant that I couldn’t fast forward, I had to re-watch what I already saw and I couldn’t skip commericals.  So I did other things while that was playing.  Then when we got to where it was new information I started paying attention.  Very good show.  Those guys and gals always make me laugh.  Sheldon is the best.  I actually work with a couple people that act just like him.

After the day I had I thought about going to Outback Steakhouse, then I remembered it’s freezing outside.  It would be a 45 minute ride and I could probably use that money elsewhere.  So I talked myself out of it again and stayed home.  I had a tv dinner and some cake.  Whoopie.  I watched a lot of TV today.  I saw a movie on Showtime about a dog saving christmas, it was pretty cool.  Sort of like Home Alone but Kevin was played by a dog.  I saw a documentary on Daft Punk, pretty interesting.  They have never shown their faces, all you get to see are the helments.  The element of mystery adds to the attraction to listen to their music.  They have some good stuff.  One More Time and Robot Rock are two of my favorites. 

Ms. Gator has been up my ass since the moment I walked in last night.  Meow here and meow there.  I switched beds at 4am and she started up again.  None of the children like a closed door and she just meowed her head off.  There was no going back to sleep, so I got up and went back to my room.  After an hour or so I fed them breakfast.  I drank some juice and watched Netflix, eventually I got tired again and returned to bed.  Only to wake up to someone thinking they were entitiled to a second breakfast.  I didn’t give in.  I did eat some food and then got moving.

I have seen on FB posts about grief and the loss of a loved one around the holidays.  It’s in the news as well.  Yet another reminder for me, like I really need that.  I understand that I am not the only person who has lost someone dear to them.  I suppose for those people that just experieced this or will experience it before or during the holidays it’s a good idea to put the word out that there is help available and to seek it out rather than trying to fight the battle alone. 

Instagram has really been front and center on my phone.  The app figured out that I like boys (men) and I see tons of photos of shirtless guys.  Yummy.  I have also found porn on the app from short clips to full dick pics.  I keep thinking of different guys that I would like to follow or I see someone hot and just start following them.  My account is private which means no one can see my posts unless I approve.  I have given like 5 people access and I am down to two followers.  I guess they find my posts to be offensive.  Whatever.  I paid for an app that will allow you to grab photos from other people and save them to your phone.  This only works on public accounts, if you get access to a private account your out of luck.  There are tons upon tons of photos so I will never ever grow bored with the app or so I think. 

Switching over to on line dating.  Remember the douche from the pet food store that led me on only to tell me in the end it wasn’t the right time for a boyfriend?  Yeah well he’s back on Grinder and so his profile says he is also on match dot com.  He is on a winter break from school and looking to date.  Yeah sure he is, but I’ll bet you anything he pulls the same crap with someone else.  I mean if he really wanted to ‘date’ he would have saved my phone number and given me a ring to see if I was still available.  As if anyone would have scooped me up, I mean it’s possible but the odds weren’t in my favor and don’t appear to be going that way.  My photo isn’t on Grindr, so he doesn’t know I am there.  I so want to send him a message and tell him it’s not nice to fuck with people and give them false hopes.  However, I’m sure that could some how be taken as a threat and with modern technology the cops would be knocking at my door in no time flat.  So I am not taking the risk, but I am tempted to put my pic out there to see if he messages me.  I don’t want to get involved with him because he lied to me and led me on once.  What is to say he wouldn’t do it again or worse yet we click and things go fine then one day I find out something he told me was a lie.  Yeah, I think it’s a receipe for disaster.  Perhaps if he was on the receiving end of the same shit he was shovling my way he would feel different.  I understand it’s difficult to tell people your not interested, but hey were all adults (or claim to be) and rejection goes hand in hand with dating.  Better to be honest than to give false hope.  I am still anxious for the next guy I get to go on a date with.  He will be lucky number 3 and hopefully that means things will click.  It’s like a job interview you need a little practice to figure out what to say and what not to say, once you master that it’s smooth sailing.  As an example I am quick to tell people that I am new to dating in general and that I lost my partner of 20 years.  I think those are turn offs, the first one can probably go unmentioned for quite sometime.  The second one well unless it comes up in conversation it should probably be left for a second or maybe third date with the same person.  I am as stable as I am going to get from all of this and just want a little joy and some dick, more joy than dick but still I am looking for the same thing everyone else is, I just want a relationship instead of a one night stand.  I am not that kind of guy.

No nap for me today and I had high hopes of acomplishing more stuff.  However, Momma says it’s time for bed and actually so does my body.  It’s 9:45p and I am wiped out.  Bring on tomorrow and hopefully it will come with more energy and I can acomplish all of what I truly want to do.  Kind of nice that the work week is only 3 days, looking forward to that.  The part that sucks is that it will be dead so there won’t be much going on and that equals boredom which is not good for me, but I am sure I will survivie.  I hope your Saturday was awesome and that your ready for the holidays.  Take care.