Depression

As we approach Easter I am finding myself getting depressed.  I waffle between being okay and being depressed.  It was shortly after Easter 2013 that my Partner passed away.  I think that has a lot to do with it. 

I have also found myself in a battle with a couple of attorneys.  These are people I hired to represent me and they want to play games.  I have to have a cooling off period before I respond.  I have engaged friends that are also attorneys to help me with my response.  If I was going to send what I drafted I would print it on red paper because it’s red hot.  See that’s the problem when you fuck with a red head, you feel their temper.  We can all be angry but there is something extra special about it when your a ginger. 

One of these attorneys ruined my day yesterday and as a result I found myself making a bunch of mistakes.  Thankfully only one of them was critical, it was caught a spotlight was shined on it and then it was quickly swept under the rug.  Still I felt bad because I knew better.  My focus was on getting out of work and going home, plus dealing with the dating sites.  I heard my little voice when I was home sitting on the couch but I ignored it, which has always proven to be a bad sign.  You’d think I would learn but I was simply too exhausted and chose not to deal with it. 

Today I had a meeting with da boss and I opened up more to him about my family and the issues that I have encountered.  He was pretty surprised.  I was always told by others that he would over react and lose trust in me.  That doesn’t appear to be the case, in fact it appears to have brought us a little closer together.  We both concurred that I need some sunlight and me time.  Going for a drive to get out of the area will probably be very therapeutic.  I am looking forward to Friday. 

My friends that I celebrate the holidays with, reached out and invited me over for Easter.  I declined because I didn’t want to deal with them.  I appreciate the offer, but right now with the mood I am in, I think that being around them might do more harm than good.  I could be wrong but why risk it. 

So this is a free form for me to vent, that and documenting my day are how I use this site.  This is just me trying to blow off some steam and hopefully feel better.  I’ve been suicidal over the past few days.  I am smart enough to know not to do it.  Once again the only thing that is saving me is the cats.  No one on this earth, no matter how good they might be can take as good of care of my babies as me.  So they win and I get to stick around and hope that I can find some happiness in this drab world.  See what I mean about needing sunlight. 

Thankfully the work week is done for me, but I am on-call through the night.  Then again starting on Saturday morning.  So I get to press pause for a couple days and hopefully recharge.  Tomorrow the highlight of my day will be visiting the doctor.  I don’t plan on mentioning any of this to him.  However, if these feelings don’t flee from me and my mood change soon, I will reach out to him for help.  It really sucks to be depressed and it can run your whole life. 

I think I am down because not only the time of year but the fact that I am once again facing problem after problem.  Funny thing is I am on anti-depressants and for the most part they do their job.  Right now it’s just super stressful and nothing would make me feel better than to literally not physically rip someone's head off.  It would help greatly if that someone was an attorney. 

I have to liven this up so I’ll tell you about the highlight of my day.  This morning I was chatting with a secretary and telling her all about my momma’s blood results.  I mentioned Kidney disease and she said oh is she on dialysis?  I said no and if we get anywhere close to that I’ll dig a hole and bury her.  Then her eyes got as big as a half dollar and this look of extreme concern washed over her face.  She said this is your mother your talking about.  I said yes, my momma cat.  She thought I was talking about my mom.  That is the best thing that happened to me all day long.  Outside of a co-worker bringing me a coconut cake.  Wish it would have been a pie. 

In the dating world, I have paid access for 1 month for 3 different apps/sites.  I put in my profile that I want a guy who is local to my area.  Some bozo reach out to me, we started a conversation and next thing you know he is telling me he is in London.  Bye Felicia.  I ain’t got time for that.  I chatted up an attorney last night, I was running the conversation and finally paused and waited to see what he would have to say.  He said nothing.  I jumped off the site and when I got back on today, I blocked him.  If you can’t carry a conversation I don’t care what you do for a living, were not going to be a match.  I am a communicator, sometimes too much and sometimes too little but I still communicate.  I have found that I am coming on too strong with trying to be different.  If I stick with the usual Hi how are you?  that seems to lure them in to chat more.  Not that I have had any stimulating conversations.  My hope is that over the 3 sites I will be able to find someone within a month.  I’ve already cancelled the subscriptions so they don’t auto-renew.  After that I’ll just go back to being a free member but I kind of hope I can delete them all because I have no reason to be on them.  I know my Romeo is out there but finding him is growing old quickly.  Today I see myself alone for the rest of my life, tomorrow I could have a potential suitor. 

Well I am checking on a couple things and then headed to bed.  Momma is already looking at me funny, like hey stupid it’s time to get away from that box you like to stare at and get to bed.  I’ve told them I am off but it doesn’t register.  It will sink in tomorrow when I am home and just about the time I leave for the doctor they will all suddenly realize, oh dad’s home let’s hit him up for lunch before he scurries away, you never know when he will be coming back, we could be here starving for hours.  I’ll feed them, they will eat and then promptly fall asleep like they normally do when I am not here.  I see them on the camera, best ever animal thing I have ever purchased outside of prescription food. 

There you have it 1/2 of my week.  Let’s hope the other 1/2 goes better.  I’ll be back with an update if you will come back to see how I am doing.  Take care!

Weekend Recap

It was beautiful weather here all weekend long!  Saturday was a lazy day for me.  I got out to take Momma to get her blood drawn.  She wasn’t terribly happy about it.  She let me have it all the way home.  Then once we got in the door, I opened the cage door and she went flying out like a bullet.  She had a pink bandage on her leg.  She was running fast and trying to get away from me.  All I wanted to do was remove the bandage, eventually I caught her and fought with her, success bandage removed!  I got in a nap.  Then went out for BBQ Bacon Wrapped Meatloaf, Mashed Potatoes, Fresh Green Beans topped off with 2 onion rings.  Desert was Cherry Bread Pudding.  The meal was quite expensive for my taste but it was good.  Meatloaf could have been cooked a little bit more.  Service was upscale/snobby and I didn’t enjoy that.  still it was a treat for me that I have been wanting. 

I went shopping for Fat Food (cat food) and stopped by the adoption center for cats.  They were all clamoring for my attention.  I talked to them like they were my own.  I felt that I was finally seen and appreciated.  After on-line dating, sending messages to guy after guy with no response.  Being validated by an animal felt good.  Being validated buy a human being would feel so much better.

Chatted with my friend who lost his wife.  He was out buying condoms, just in case.  He’s hitting up the dating and hookup sites pretty heavily.  I think he is going to get himself into trouble.  Even I don’t have condoms and I am not about to go buy then on the hope that I will get to use them.  Wait until they are needed, then get them.  Otherwise, your wasting your money and getting your hopes up.

We did talk about being invisible on the dating sites, he has experienced it as well.  However, he has also fallen for some scams.  Girls will apparently ask guys to buy an identity verification pass, it’s nothing more than a scam and the sites get all of your vital information, why would they need all of that?  Well it’s ripe for identity theft, being in Information Security this screams out to me run, don’t walk away.  No one has ever asked me to buy such a pass and I didn’t even know they existed.  I am glad that he tipped me off.  Scams and schemes are everywhere someone is always out for your money, no joke!

Came home, unloaded the food, fed the children and then surfed the net.  Oh I did talk with my ISP, I sent a letter to their top brass about the rate increase that I will be faced with in June/July.  Right now I pay $49 which is $10 off regular price.  When that expires it’s going to be $65 per month.  For internet?  Hell I am not getting the 100mpbs they tout.  I am going to work on getting that fixed.  If I bundle in another service they can lower the price but of course they want all 3 services – phone, internet and TV to give me the best bang for my money.  I surfed on-line and found some pricing, it is fantastic but they don’t have 1 DVR to serve the whole house.  You have to get multiples and I don’t like that.  They basically told me there is no help for me and that it’s pay the price or find a new provider.  The lady I spoke with was a pushy bitch who touted their service and she didn’t even know the top speed for my area.  I did find that you can go 1 step higher but it’s another $60 on top of what I am already paying.  But you get faster upload speed.  That’s well and dandy but I don’t send data up, I am usually pulling it down, plus if the new rates are going to put a crimp in things why would I want to pay more money?  I just don’t get it, new customers get all of the breaks and once your past the 1st year they say fuck you and raise the rates, there is no reward for loyalty, no matter which company your with. 

Sunday, Gator got me up early and it’s a good thing.  Steak N Shake was packed.  1 cute waiter in the whole bunch.  He seated me and I watched him like a hawk, I think he knows I like him.  Too bad I already did my recon and know he is straight & has a girlfriend.  Why is it all of the good guys are taken or are straight?  I just want to date – a meal or a drink, have some conversation and maybe stretching things see a movie.  That’s it.  I don’t want to fuck on the first date, I mean I am not against it but I want a second and a third date to build on.

Anyways, hit up the grocery store.  It’s a short week for me 3 working days.  So I was able to go cheap and keep the bill down.  Spent 1/2 as much as I normally do.  Really liked that.  I am on-call next week but only 3 days.  I see the doctor on Thursday.  Friday I took the day for me and I am going to travel, for sure!  I have coverage for my on-call shift for Thursday & Friday.  The draw back is when I go back on-call Saturday it doesn’t stop until Wednesday morning.  Turn about is fair play and I am happy that someone was able to accommodate me.  Time away will be good or so I think.  I’ll try to remember that when I am weeding through 1,000 plus emails and trying to play catch up come Monday. 

Back on track, one of the things I got from the store are Tim Tams.  They are a product of Australia and damn expensive at that.  Made in Connecticut, you’d think they would be cheaper but for the price they charge it would appear they were shipped over from the Aussie Land!  Anyway it’s a cookie they call it a biscuit and it’s covered in chocolate.  In my case Chocolate and Carmel, oh they are damn good.  The box came with 8 biscuits and it was $5.  Try some if you can afford it, they are enjoyable!  So I did the usual Sunday stuff by cleaning the house and finishing up the laundry.  I had to break out short sleeve shirts because it’s going to be warm this week, finally!  I am tired of sweating in long sleeves.  In fact it was pretty warm today and I dread going back upstairs because that is where all of the heat is. 

I signed up for another dating site, 1 month only and have already cancelled the subscription so it doesn’t auto renew on me.  I figure paying might give me an advantage.  You get additional features and get to see who likes you.  Plus you have access to private photos.  I am amazed at the number of people who are dumb enough to post nudes on-line.  Taking nudes is risky and then sending them out well that just adds to the risk.  I hope that my eagerness pays off and I get to chat and date a guy, then I can delete all of those damn apps.  I saw the guy who I had my first date with, he’s on Grinder and looking to hook up with guys.  I blocked him so fast.  I knew there was a reason why he kept asking me to go back to his place, I am glad that I didn’t fall into that trap.

Well time to go spend what is left of the evening with the kids, take in some TV and unwind.  Prepare for a nice slumber and wake up in the morning to realize that Monday is here.  Oh Fuck, off to the races we go. 

I hope all is well in your world and that you had an enjoyable weekend.  Here’s to a great week ahead.   

Grinding

I was anxious and hesitant about signing on to Grindr last night.  I did it and saw that the guy I liked was on-line.  I have yet to hear from him and kind of doubt that I will.  I stayed on the app browsing from profile to profile in the hopes someone would reach out.  Then it happened, too bad it was a spam message directing me to visit a website for porn.  It’s kind of a let down not to have anyone message you when you put yourself out there.  I have found a couple of other guys that I am going to message but if they don’t respond then I will cancel my subscription before it even starts and drop off of the site.  I don’t know why but many guys including myself have a love/hate relationship with Grindr.  Were on for a bit and then delete it and in a month or two come back.  I will say that the bulk of the faces I remember are gone, I still come across guys that have been on there for quite sometime.  I get that it’s primarily a hookup site and there are lots of guys that is fine with them.  While it sounds nice to do a wham, bam and thank you, I don’t know how I would feel emotionally about it.  I think it would mess with my head and if it was any good, I would want more.  I think it’s better to date, get to know someone find out if your compatible before you set any expectations or give up the goods.  The other thing that turns me off is to see that a guy is on PREP.  I understand it’s a safety thing but don’t tell me your interested in a relationship if your on that drug because your actions are sending a whole different message to me. 

When you think about it dating is scary.  Both from a physical safety issue and a sexual health standpoint.  I am really growing tired of the rollercoaster ride of ups and downs.  I just wish that a good guy would fall into my life, we be compatible and then start to make memories.  I don’t want to get my heart broken but I realize that is a risk that you take when your in the dating pool.  If you both can communicate and compromise provided you care about each other, then your going to be fine.  If you can’t do one or both of those things then your doomed for failure.  It doesn’t mean everything is going to be peaches and roses all the time.  Your going to get mad, your going to argue but at the end of the day your going to be able to move past it.

I can’t help but think that looks and age are two good reasons why I am not just lighting up the charts.  I can tell you if I were younger the guys would be flocking all over me because when I was younger I was far better looking.  Yeah I know I have the power to change my body, but I don’t want to change for someone else I want to be accepted for who I am.  I know that I would benefit greatly from shedding a few pounds but right now all I have is porn, food and my cats.  I am not ready to give up any of those three things.  I think it is fair and important to treat your self because no one else will.  You just have to know when to draw the line and say I’ve spent enough.  Growing up and getting most of the things that I asked for doesn’t help, it’s difficult for me to tell myself no.  However, I have done it before.  I don’t enjoy it but I realize when it’s practical. 

On a different note I was driving into work this morning and well over 1/2 way here my mind said you left your access card at home.  I panicked as I looked down and there was no lanyard around my neck.  Our building security recently changed and we are required to wear our cards as they have our names and photos on them.  It’s a great way to stalk cute guys in the building as well.  If they hadn’t made that change I am confident that I would have had it.  I used to keep it in a leather case and that went in my pocket most everyday of the week.  If I was even going to be remotely close to the office I would bring it with me.  This was the first time in almost 3 years that I forgot my card.  Our security can be quite the hassle to deal with.  I went in and handed them a business card, they looked me up in the system and then presto I was allowed to pass.  I got a temporary card once I got in the suite and then learned something had taken out our primary data circuit.  That means that work grinds to a halt.  So I was at work but I couldn’t do any of my usual morning work because the system was so sluggish.  We were on a backup circuit which is infinitely slower than the primary circuit.  A lot of people went home but since I can’t work from home I was hoping they would close the office.  No such luck.  Lunch time the circuit came back up and were rocking and rolling.  I modified my access for the temporary card so I can get into all of the places I need to.  Kind of cool to have that power but it can also be dangerous if you abuse or misuse it.  My mind is now playing tricks on me and trying to get me to panic because I lost the card.  I know for a fact I put it on my dresser and I was more focused on getting here than I was on getting ready to get here.  Scrambled eggs for brains is what I have at times, especially when there is a lot on my mind. 

Last night in watching TV I saw an ad from the cable company that told me AT&T is getting rid of U-verse.  Now I know why they didn’t want to cut me a deal on the price.  Everyone is getting steered to Direct TV which AT&T purchased.  Problem is I don’t want Satellite.  I want a wired solution that doesn’t involve putting a huge antenna up to get TV.  So I am limited to either cable or IP TV.  There are only 2 providers at play.  I hate the cable company but it looks like I might be going back to them before it’s all said and done.  It’s not like AT&T is going to flip the switch overnight but it will be a gradual thing and eventually in a couple years I will have to make a choice.  For now I am keeping what I have because I am happy with the features and benefits, simply put it works for me.  I know I am paying a little bit more than what the cable company charges but the benefits outweigh the cost so it’s worth it to me. 

No more pizza for me, I wiped out that monster I ordered earlier this week last night.  I was only able to eat 2 pieces at a time but last night I pushed myself and downed 3 pieces.  I was full.  I was wondering if I would even want Breakfast but I did.  Now I don’t want pizza for a while.  I will be doing a casserole bake thing over the weekend.  Tonight will likely be something frozen, but I do have some mac & cheese in the fridge that sounds pretty good. 

I’ve been thinking of rearranging my desk at work and moving to the opposite end of my cube.  It’s really large and you could easily fit a 2nd person in here.  I am glad that I have this huge space all to myself, its the closest I will ever get to an actual office.  Anyway, it would require some physical activity on my part and I would be stirring up the dust.  I wanted to do it last week and put it off.  Now that Friday is here it’s the prime day to do it because there isn’t a lot going on.  I should have done it this morning.  However, there are some logistical issues I haven’t quite resolved yet.  While I will likely skip it, I will be wishing it had happened.  I mean if it doesn’t work out I can switch back but maybe it’s best to leave everything where it is in the first place.  Ah, the quandary that I have placed myself in.

At least we made it to the weekend.  I hope that you enjoy your weekend.  I’ll be taking Momma to get her blood drawn.  Outside of that nothing really planned, other than enjoying my time.  Take care.   

Amanda Hugnkiss

Yes it’s true I am looking for a Man to Hug n Kiss.  You can thank Lance Bass for that, I heard it used on his Sirius radio show that is no more.  Kind of funny!

On that topic last weekend I was at the pet food store, I stopped by to talk with their vet to get a renewal script so I could purchase food for Big Boy.  There was this fucking awesome looking guy at the dog tag machine.  I looked at his ass and thought oh the things I would like to do to you.  When I went to check out I found myself checking out his ass again.  I took a creeper shot of it.  No one but the security cameras saw me, so I think I am safe.  Wow that was a pretty bold move for me, getting caught would have been embarrassing but I didn’t do anything illegal.  Immoral probably. 

So I have had this craving to jump back on Grindr and last night I took the plunge.  I signed up for a 1 week trial of their premium account.  It wasn’t long before I saw another guy who looks too good to be true.  I got up the nerve this morning to message him and now I am waiting on a reply.  I have checked periodically all morning long.  Thus far nothing.  One feature they took away from Grindr was to be able to specify the distance you want your search to encompass.  I am seeing guys from up to 500 miles away.  Thankfully the guy I am interested in is local.  I have my fingers crossed and my hopes up, but in reality I don’t expect much. I know it’s Grindr but I specifically put myself out there as interested in Dates & Relationships and spell out in my profile that I don’t want a one night stand. 

Best news ever, is I got the subscription notice from Apple and I never put a new credit card number on file so if I forget to cancel it won’t renew.  However, it’s on my radar to fix.  Not sure if I want the subscription to renew even though it’s only $11.  I hate paying for dating apps, they play on your emotions and get you to fork over your money in the hopes that you will fall in love.  It simply doesn’t work out like that for most people. 

On the car front I heard from my attorney today.  Looks like were at a stand still until I have some additional repair attempts made that are unsuccessful.  Otherwise this thing is likely going to fizzle out.  I don’t think that my attorney is being 100% honest with me and I think the offer on the table is much more than what I am being told.  I’ve asked for copies of correspondence twice and they are silent.  That is rather odd because what I am requesting is likely correspondence that sets forth the offer. If they are trying to hide or dodge me, they clearly don’t know who they are fucking with.  I get what I want, it may take time and I may get frustrated and want to give up but my resolve is to see it through until I get what I am owed or find that all avenues have been pursued and I have no other choice in the matter.  Simply put, I don’t give up!  That should be apparent to them since I hired them to help me with this fiasco.  The downside is that I have to keep the car until this is settled one way or another. 

Today was pretty good, over all.  Looking forward to Friday.  Hope all is well in your world.  Take care and wish me luck!

Still going

In case your wondering, I am still going.  April is a rough month for me, more specifically yesterday.  It marked 4 years of my late partners death.  I can’t believe I have been alone for 4 years, it still very much feels like yesterday.  That day always gets me I am paralyzed and chose to isolate myself from the world at large.  I didn’t go to work and slept a good portion of the day away.  I did go out for some pizza at a new place.  It was okay but nothing to write home about.  I am a huge fan of The Deep Dish Chicago Style Pizza.  I dropped $25 for a medium pretty decked out and there is plenty left over, so no need to ask what is for supper. 

Back to work today and there isn’t a whole lot going on here.  I’ve got some work to do but I am just not in the mood.  The day is pretty well done so I am just biding my time until we get to go home and play in traffic.  Bad Thunderstorm in the area so I am not so eager to get on the road but I’ll gladly do it because I want to see my furry kids. 

Bear I guess detected that something is going on, he’s been sleeping with me for a few nights.  Marvin stays in because he wants to be by his brother.  So just like old times, the 3 boys.  I like that.  I don’t like it when Bear sees me move in the middle of the night he starts clawing on the box springs but we both know how to push each others buttons.  Just part of stuff you learn when you live with someone for a long period of time. 

I’ve been spending way too much time in the basement with my personal confuser.  Tonight I need to print a stamp out, write a check for my massage tomorrow and then I can come upstairs and be with the kids, enjoy TV and hopefully have a nice evening. 

Yesterday I did spend some time on the phone with AT&T trying to negotiate a better rate for my TV.  They were not accommodating, so I had to drop service in order to reduce my bill.  I gave up HBO to try to get it back for a 3 month free special.  I wound up paying a $5 fee, I didn’t get it free for 3 months but I did get it at 1/2 price for life, so not bad.  I shaved off about $40 per month.  Showtime is gone, no need to keep it because Shameless isn’t on now and that’s all I watched.  Found out I can get it on Amazon for a much cheaper price, so I may elect to get it now to have it.  TV is a rip off we never used to pay for it for the most part when I was a kid, that is until Cable came to town and then oh, I had to have it.  Little did I know that was like crack.  I no longer have access to LOGO and really wanted to keep that, but I didn’t watch it on a regular basis.  So many channels I was paying for that I never watched.  AT&T is probably not happy with me but they are still taking my money.  Funny that all of this started because they sent me an email that freaked me out that I was going to be paying $200 per month for TV & Phone.  That is entirely way too much.  So I called and then the games began.  Funny thing is I wrote a letter to the president and asked for them to adjust my rates like a week prior to this whole thing unfolding yesterday.  I am interested to see what if any response I get from my letter.

Time to wrap things up and prepare to go play in traffic.  At least were close to the weekend.  I always enjoy time off, then again what working person doesn’t?  Take care. 

Onward

As it concerns me, the drama at work has been resolved.  Nothing is going in my file, I did nothing wrong and it’s a non-issue.  You’d think that my accuser would render an apology either by being compelled to do so by our employer or just out of sheer guilt.  However, an apology will not be rendered.  The other lady that was also falsely accused is not letting this rest, it has stirred up quite the shit storm and my understanding is that it’s now headed to senior management since the low level people are unable to do their jobs.  What a mess, I am interested to hear how it plays out but I really don’t want to be involved anymore than I already have been.

On the home front, I managed to medicate Ruthie over the weekend with some flea medicine.  It was quite a challenge as per usual.  She crapped out of being nervous and even managed to get it in the air vent.  That was lovely to clean up and the smell was just extra worse, I suppose out of the sheer fear I instilled.  However, she is doing better.  The funny thing was she put up a little bit of a fight.  I brushed her out a bit and then put the medicine on as soon as she felt the wet, she was off like a bull out of a chute.  Thankfully there was only a drop of the medicine left and the majority of it was applied to her.  We are still very much friends.  She really likes my bed, she was in it when I got home from work on Monday night.  When she saw me she took off because she thought I was going to do something but I just said hello and minded my own business.

Bear is being difficult and has my senses up, he is not chowing down like he normally does and he has to have multiple cans of food before he eats.  He still eats his dry food but not as much.  Thankfully he still loves his water.  He went a day without producing urine, which really threw up the red flag for me.  I am worried that he is starting to circle the drain.  It could just be the change in weather.  In any case I am keeping an extra close eye on him.

That is about as exciting as life gets for me.  I am still in search of my Romeo.  No prospects but I still open the apps on a daily basis, it’s like knowing you have no food but yet you open the fridge in hopes that will change but it won’t until you fill it up.  There is some home that things will change for me.  But it’s very much a gamble.  I some how keep seeing guys from far away, part of that is a feature of some of the apps that allow you if you pay to put yourself in other areas and the other part I think is defective on the part of the app.  I am adamant that I want a local guy and not someone who is 500 miles away.  When will the search end?  That is the answer I am looking for.  I did some googling over the weekend and found some new sites that I checked out but quickly abandoned.

Tomorrow is my rub a dub day.  I am looking forward to it, but only if she can work out this one particular knot.  I start off my day doing okay and by the end of the day my shoulder and back are really bothering me.  II go home with the best of intentions of getting out the massager or an ice pack or both and as of late it rarely happens.  I played with a massager last night that belonged to my late partner. I saw it on line with a particular attachment, that didn’t ship with his.  Still it helped a little bit but I like the one I have been using so I’ll stick with that when I do use it.  I am thinking of getting a percussion massager, that is suppose to really do the trick.  What I’d really like is a massage chair, where you sit down, press a button and presto it works on your whole body.  Those are super expensive and likely not to survive in my house because they are usually leather and all of my cats have claws so I know they would rip it to shreds. 

Off to face Wednesday and see what challenges are in store for me today.  I hope that it’s a calm but fast moving day.  I have no idea what’s for supper but I am eager to figure that out.  Got a few meetings today, kind of boring but I know I will survive.  Hope all is well in your world and that the sun is shining brighter than ever.  Looks like I am taking time off for Good Friday, just happened to co-inside with a doctors appointment and I didn’t want to come back for 1 day.  Planning on making that Friday all about me and doing something that I will enjoy hopefully outside of loafing around the house.  It’s time to get moving.  Be well and we will talk again soon.

More Drama

Thursday morning I was involved in some unfortunate drama myself.  I arrived to the office early, as I usually try to do.  I decided to stop by and talk with a co-worker which is also something that is a common thing that happens.  In the middle of our conversation someone that sits close by stood up and yelled at us that we need to find a different place to gossip because it’s disturbing to her.  I am not the type of person that would let something like that go without a response, but my inner voice said don’t say anything so for once I listened.  That was the best advice ever because if I had opened my mouth the out come would be way different.  This event ruined my day and it also took up a good portion of it with emails, an interview and then at night talking with my co-worker.

The lady that made the accusation was a fool and later recanted her story and said she didn’t know what we were talking about but that we were whispering and that bothered her.  Yeah because the nutty bitch was dying to know what we were talking about.  The real crux of the issue here is that the lady I was talking to and the lady that made the outburst hate each other, I was simply caught in the cross fire.  The lady that I was talking to doesn’t want me to stop coming by because she said then she wins, I said this isn’t a hostage negotiation.  I want to keep my job and don’t want any outlandish inflammatory and wholly inaccurate accusations made about me now or in the future. 

Anyway I heard that my boss would catch wind of this and that something was going to be placed in my personnel file.  That angered me.  The boss part is fine but the putting something in my file, yeah I did nothing wrong and to boot I was on my own time.  So it’s not like I wasn’t doing my job.  I asked for a written apology but I knew that wouldn’t happen.

By the end of the day I asked our office manager for written confirmation that the entire story from start to finish would be placed in my file, including the fact that the accuser recanted their story.  He deflected and referred me to my boss.  Which caused me to reach directly out to HR this morning.  I won’t get any type of a response until Monday because my boss and the HR person are both on vacation.  I did get a call from my boss this morning and we spoke briefly about this and thus far it doesn’t sound like it’s going to be an issue, again I have to wait for Monday for confirmation.

I am exhausted and just want to curl up in my home and be left alone.  Fat chance of that happening when I am on-call.  Hopefully I can get some quality sleep and maybe that will include a nap or two. 

As you can well imagine I was quite knotted up for my massage.  She worked and worked on me.  It hurt but for the most part I feel better.  I do have one residual knot that is driving me nuts.  I will be working on that tonight at home, hopefully I can get it to breakup and then I’ll be okay. 

That is all of the major stuff happening right now.  Excitement is one thing but drama is something that is best when it’s on TV or in the movies.  Looking forward to quitting time that is just 40 minutes away, yay!

Hope you have a pleasant and enjoyable weekend.  Take care and we will talk again soon.

Dear John

My friend called last night.  I was a little apprehensive to take the call but I did.  He isn’t mad at all, everything seems perfectly fine.  I guess he was just in a bad mood when we had our disagreement.  So not a whole lot knew for him.  He recently went to a Psychic Fair and learned that a close friend is going to die.  Wow he could have told me anything but that.  So I asked him if he called to tell me that I was going to die?  He said no but a close friend could be a pet.  Yeah I think she would have said pet and not close friend if it were a 4 legged being.  Shortly after his encounter he woke up to a text message from his female friend that informed him that she couldn’t see him any longer. So they are done.  I knew that it wouldn’t last but it was something that formed quickly and while they had a lot in common she said it was too soon for her.  I get it, been there done that.  He seems okay with it but I know he didn’t need any more bad news.

Speaking of bad news looks like my car issues are headed to a law suit.  I had contact with my attorney’s office today.  They say my case is strong so I hope for a good outcome.  While I don’t see how this could go south, I know that it is possible.

No word yet from my lawn guy, I hope to have a response from him by Saturday.  We are moving into opening season for lawn cutting and if I need to find someone else then it would be nice to know that as quickly as possible.  My guess is that he will either come back with changes to the contract or just refuse to sign it.  Just because there is no contract doesn’t mean we can’t do business but this was his requirement, not mine.  I’d like to clear this issue off of my plate as well. 

Ye old back is still sore and bothering me.  Last night I got some time with an ice pack but didn’t use the massager.  I felt better this morning.  Now that I have been working all day long I can feel the tension and soreness.  Thankfully tomorrow is Thursday so my massage is hours away. 

Looking forward to spending more time with the kids tonight, catching up on TV and trying to relax.  The relaxing part is up for debate because if it isn’t the phone then it’s the kids and both require something from me.  Hopefully it’s q you get the word I was going to say.  I decided not to say it in case it jinxes me. 

Ruth is not bashful about asking for some scratching.  I tried to play with her and she hissed and me and smacked me with her paw.  Then ran away.  Ten minutes later she was back and asking for more love.  Something has gotten to her, there are scabs all over her neck and I understand it itches.  Whatever it is, is still very much alive and active.  So I get to capture her which she will hate and put on some flea medicine.  I’d do it during a scratching session but she watches like a hawk, if she detects a momentary pause that is enough to send her running out of panic.  I don’t want to half ass give her the medicine or risk it getting on a part of her that it doesn’t belong.  So that is why I am opting to trap her – she will get a brushing and then some flea medicine which should hopefully calm things down and get her on the mend.  If not then I will have to engage the vet and I am not really all about that. 

One more hour to go and then it will be time to hit the dusty trail.  I am looking forward to it.  Plus we are closer to the weekend.  It’s supposed to rain here all weekend.  I need to hit up the vet at the pet food store and see about getting new prescription cards for Bear’s food.  They only issued them for a few months.  Prescriptions in the US are generally good for 1 year, both for people and animals. The exceptions to that rule are for controlled substances.  Like my sleeping medicine, the doctor puts 3 refills but the pharmacy only allows 1 and then you need a new prescription.  They want you to get it and they won’t call the doc for it.  Kind of silly because they will call for everything else. 

Happy middle of the week.  Hope all is well in your world. 

Exclusion

Ever since my mom phoned over the weekend, I have been thinking about excluding her.  She has no idea why I feel like I do and why I am avoiding her.  I’d love to lay it all out for her, but since I don’t know the status of the matter that is pending I would be a fool to do that now.  So I have to just avoid her.  Last night though I was dead tired I couldn’t turn my brain off.  I kept thinking about a decision that I came to mentally.  I had an odd dream.  However, I have forged ahead with my plan.  As of this morning my mom will no longer be able to call me, I have blocked her numbers so that if she does call all she will get is the standard telco recording that the number has been disconnected.  Thankfully she doesn’t have my cell phone but she may ask my brother for it, if he decides to cough it up I’ve got her blocked on my cell for 30 days, I can renew the block after that.  So if she calls all she will get is a fast busy signal.  It is a little bothersome that I have actually put this in place, but it’s for my own sanity and safety.  I can’t deal with any of her drama and don’t want to risk saying something about a subject I shouldn’t be talking about.  I may get a call from my brother but then again I kind of doubt that.  He hasn’t kept in touch and I last spoke with him around summer of last year.  That was quite sometime ago.

My next part of the plan is to get an Easter card and send it with a note.  Just to acknowledge that she called and say hello, letting her know that I am okay.  I am sure she worries about me, as any mother would worry about their own child.  I am comfortable with my decision but deep down I know it’s going against the grain.  So it feels odd but I’ve essentially been doing this for a while, just never blocked her from calling.  If I get to tell her one day what this is all about great.  If I don’t then she will never know.  That is kind of a fear of mine, I don’t like to leave things unsettled, I like closure.  However, I’ve been put in an odd spot and to a degree I think she is apart of that so I have to do what is best for me.  Regardless of how it feels.

I’d really love nothing more than to have a supportive and understanding family that is normal.  However, from the time I was conceived things haven’t been normal in my life.  I don’t think they are going to ever get there.  I am semi-comfortable being alone, I mean the only person I need in this world is myself.  I proved that time and time again.  However, I don’t want to be alone I’d like more friends and of course a man.  That may happen eventually.  I think if I can get a man that the friend part will follow.  I am still on the apps and looking.  I am very anxious to fall in love, move forward and get on with my life.  Unfortunately, in the game of life things don’t move as fast as you want them to. 

I’ve faced my worst possible fear, I don’t know that many people are able to say that.  I also don’t know those that can say it can say they have survived, but I can.  I am thankful for everything that I have and that things have turned out so well.  My next greatest fear is that my life will fall apart and that I will loose everything.  I work hard to keep that fear at bay, but honestly it’s so close that it’s palpable..  Miss a couple paychecks and my world will start to crumble.  Scary how close it is.

There is stuff going on at work that will either end my job or keep my job.  It’s stuff that I am not supposed to know but with the nature of my job I have come across information.  I can’t and haven’t shared it with anyone.  I’ve asked my boss about it in general terms and he has no idea or he too is playing dumb.  I work with a lot of smart people and lots of people are talking right now.  At the moment and for the foreseeable future I am okay.  I do think that there will be some further staffing cuts, I am told I am safe but really no one is safe, were all replaceable.  I was the last one in so it would make sense that I would be the first one out.  I really enjoy what I do and am quite happy, despite the minor issues that arise.  I’d love to keep this job if not for the rest of my working life, then for a very long time.  We don’t always get what we want but I am very fortunate to be in the position I am, this in many ways is a dream come true. 

Okay so I am jumping off the soap box.  Back to ye old salt mine.  3 more days left.  Still looking forward to my massage on Thursday.  I still hurt and know that the massage will be painful but hopefully it will do the most good.  If I had the money I’d sign up for a couple hours.  There was one lady that used to work here she was seriously overweight and she would sign up for 2 to 3 hours at a time.  You couldn’t get her to come upstairs for any other reason but the minute the massage signup sheet went out she would be on the first elevator up.  Crazy but then again she was rolling in money, took 2 cruises every year.  Wish I could afford to do that.  Heard this morning on the news that people who don’t take vacations are more likely to die of a heart attack or stroke.  I’d love a vacation it sounds good, just not practical, especially since I wouldn’t have anyone to spend it with. 

Hope your having an awesome Tuesday!  Talk with you again soon.  Thanks for stopping by.

 

Average Monday

The alarm clock went off far too early for me, I could have used another hour or two of sleep.  Bear was with me the entire night.  He started clawing at the box spring, as if to say hey dummy it’s time to get up.  I heard the alarm but I didn’t want to acknowledge it.  Got moving and the house was a bit chilly this morning.  Nothing like a little cold in the air to put some pep in your step. 

I heard the weather forecast and we are going from Winter to Summer, but only for today.  It’s supposed to be in the 80’s.  Yeah not a typo.  The house will be hot tonight I am sure, really don’t want to fire up the AC but if it is too humid I will turn it on.  Back to more normal temps tomorrow, only into the 50’s which is fine.  I enjoy nice weather and even some warm weather but when you start in the 80’s that is getting a little too hot for me. 

Driving in my car over the weekend I used the sunroof and it reminded me to make sure to put sunscreen on my head.  My old car had a smaller roof and a smaller sunroof, so it wasn’t a worry then.  This big boat of mine now is large in every way.  I am comfortable in it.  Just wish I didn’t have so many problems with it.  This morning on the way in the Bluetooth audio flaked, I had to go to FM and then back to Bluetooth.  That solved one problem.  The display that shows what song is playing was lagging behind, if you skipped a song it may or may not update.  I made it to work with tunes so that is the main thing.  Let’s hope all systems are normal when I fire it up for the ride home.  I will likely get to test out the AC in the car, let’s hope that goes well.

Ran the massager over my back last night, felt good.  I’ve got knots again from today, so I’ll be using it again tonight.  I have scheduled a massage on Thursday for my usual hour.  I hope things calm down well before that. 

Looking forward to a nice evening at home.  Enjoying my left over casserole, more ice cream and time with the kids.  If your looking for a laugh check out NBC’s Trial & Error.  I didn’t think I would like it but it’s just one laugh after another. 

Things at work in the drama department are a little calmer but not by much.  Let’s hope that ship sails soon and she is back to normal.  The last thing we need is another flair up.  I’m telling you she would be so much happier if she had a man to ride her, I mean she is just a big ball of stress.  You have to let that all go or it will eat you alive.  Plus it will kill off your friendships, quicker than Roundup kills weeds. 

Just about a 1/2 hour more and this day will be done.  I am so looking forward to that.  Hope you had a great day and that your night is even better.  Talk with you again soon.

Another awesome movie

I took a muscle relaxer last night and while I was waiting for it to kick in I rented Pass The Light.  It’s about a high school kid who runs for political office, because he doesn’t like the way the present politicians are running things.  It is from 2015 but it’s got a great message and it’s inspirational.  Worth the $3.99 I paid Amazon to watch it.  There is one tune that I like from the movie, the rest of it is Christian Rock type stuff and not for me.  I’d tell my co-worker to watch it if we were still friends, I know that she would enjoy it.  Funny thing about her she only listens to Christian Rock but she will watch secular movies.  Is that odd or is it just me? 

My back is feeling a little bit better.  I am about to go upstairs and run the massager over it.  I am finishing another movie called Henry’s Crime.  It’s about a guy who is convicted of robbing a bank, but he didn’t know he was committing a crime.  He was driving the get away car but he thought he was taking his pals to a ballgame.  They convinced him to stop at the bank so they could pick up some cash and they went in and robbed the bank.  They get away but he goes to jail because the bank security guard got him.  Now that he is out of jail, he is robbing the bank for real.  The main character is played by Keanu Reaves.  Not quite sure how this slipped passed my radar but it did, glad I found it.  It’s included with Prime so no charge for this one. 

Went to Cracker Barrel for breakfast.  I saw my crush just as I was leaving.  He got a make over.  Totally different haircut and he looks to have shaved, which is nice.  I caught him out of the corner of my eye and I don’t think he saw me at all.  I had a great breakfast.  Grocery shopping was the pits as per usual.  Dropped another $85 for a weeks worth of food. 

Listening to some music and just relaxing when the phone rings.  It’s my mom.  I knew I recognized the number but I couldn’t quite place it.  So I let it go to voice mail.  Glad I made that move.  She wants to talk, said that she misses me.  I think of her often but my life is so much better without her in it.  Drama central of which I do not need.  Yes I sound like Yoda, I know. 

It’s been a few weeks since I heard from my friend.  I re-read the email that I sent him.  I am not sure after he read that if he will actually talk with me again.  I said that I knew he would help me if the tables were turned.  Yeah the tables were turned and he helped by listening.  What I meant by my statement was that if I just lost my wife and was in his shoes and he were in mine.  Now maybe I am surmising too much.  Maybe he will call next week, seems to be that when I am on call I hear from him.  So time will tell. 

I have to get ready for Monday and spend some time with the children before I head off to slumber land.  The evening goes by so very fast.  I had the Chicken, Brocolli, Pasta with cheese dish.  There is some left over for tomorrow night.  I got some Washington Apple Pie Ice Cream again and it paired up really nice.  Got 2 Italian Subs that I chopped up to individual sandwiches to have at lunch time.  That will be different and very good. 

Let’s hope that this week is uneventful and relaxing.  There will be fewer meetings, which means fewer time on the phone and that makes me happy.  At least there is something to look forward to.  Take care and I hope you have a great week ahead!

Whoa my back!

 

I got a quick massage on Thursday.  My back was killing me right in between my shoulder blades.  That is usually where is starts and then it radiates either out or up before the pain leaves my body.  I actually felt a knot be pushed out, it was like popping a large pimple but with lots of pain.  The therapist worked and worked and presto there it went.  When she was all done I felt fine.  However, as the hours passed the pain returned.  Today my right shoulder is killing me.  I’ve felt some popping go on and that has felt good but it still really hurts.  I lifted Bear last night not once but twice.  I knew I shouldn’t but he insisted, like I would ever tell him no and actually mean it.  It happens but it’s very rare. 

I had my Saturday all planned out I was going to enjoy the nice day and go for a drive and get some pie.  However, as the day grew older my desire to get on the open road diminished, all I could think about was the pain I was in.  What if it was too uncomfortable and I couldn’t drive anymore, I’d be away from home and that isn’t a situation I want to put myself in.  So I talked myself out of going for a drive.  I started thinking about food close to home. 

Later this afternoon I went out for Chinese food.  I had my usual Crab Rangoon, Egg Roll and order of Special Fried Rice.  Washed it all down with several glasses of Diet Pepsi.  Got an almond cookie for free as desert.  I have the traditional fortune cookie I brought home with me. 

Remembered my coupon and stopped by the cat food store.  Picked up lots of cat food, got some litter and then paid the same bill I paid last week only this week it was slightly less due to the coupon and I got more, so not terrible but I wasn’t pleased. 

Drove to gas up and then on to the car wash.  Ah the car wash where all of the cute boys seem to work.  There was an average looking guy working there, I mean if we were all alone on a deserted island I wouldn’t turn him away but he really didn’t do that much for me. 

I feel like a predator in the dating world.  I hit on a 24 year old guy and he turned me down flat.  He was so cute and his profile indicated that he had been rejected by multiple people.  I figured why not give it a try.  Yeah that is probably a bit too young for me but I can’t help myself I really want a younger guy.  I’m still in the dating pool and just thinking about all of the stories and memories that I can share with my future guy, the waiting part hurts but hopefully in the end the pay off will be worth it. 

There is an Australian Magazine called DNA that I really want.  I’d like the printed version but it’s super expensive to have it mailed from there to the USA.  They offer an on-line or digital subscription but to me it’s not quite the same.  They feature some really hot guys, to my knowledge you might see a backside here and there but for the most part the guys are shirtless but otherwise dressed.  They have some super hunks in there that just make my mouth water.  I added them on social media and get frequent updates which equal temptation for me.  I’ve got the money right now today but I don’t really want to spend it that way. 

Thought that I fixed Marv’s diarrhea by eliminating the ants, but as soon as I bragged about it, I got home and it came right back.  Poor guy I feel sorry for him.  He’s eating and drinking normal.  He plays so I would say he’s mostly normal.  There are a couple of things about him that cause me some concern but I am monitoring him.

Work is still there, we got a break from some of the drama on Friday because my co-worker took a 1/2 day.  To say that she needed it, would be an understatement.  A lot has changed in her world and she is very bitter.  My boss thinks that it will all change come next week, but he’s on vacation and I have to put up with her.  We got hit with the next round of new hires and a surprise departure.  One of the guys I used to work with in my old position.  I spoke with him and he said that he was retiring, he just turned 65.  Holy cow, I would have never guessed that he was that old.  I knew he was older but I figured 50’s.  Guess I am a poor judge of age.  Then again people tell me that I look 30 when I am in my 40’s.

Age is only how old your body is, it’s just a number and in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t mean anything.  Lots of people are in marriages and relationship s that have a slight or a very wide swing in their partners ages, those relationships have been on-going for years.

I saw a really great movie today.  It was on Amazon and cost me $4.99 but it was worth every penny.  It stars Tom Wopat, remember him from the Dukes of Hazard?  I’m talking about the TV show.  It’s also got Gregory Harrison.  He was Dr. Gonzo Gates on the TV show Trapper John M.D.  The movie is called Fair Haven and was released in 2016.  It’s about a gay kid who’s mom passed away, his father shipped him to a pray the gay away Christian camp.  The kid is ‘cured’ of his illness/sickness/disease (meaning being gay) and returns home.  His father fixes him up with a friends daughter and they go on a couple dates,  He runs into his old boyfriend and initially rejects him.  His feelings for this guy resurface and he tries his hardest to push them aside but he fails.  He gives in and winds up sleeping with the guy.  The girl he was seeing caught them and so did his dad.  I will say that it ends well but don’t want to spoil it, on the off chance someone reading this is interested in seeing it.  Below is a trailer for the movie.  In looking for that it appears the movie is available on-line for free but beware that malicious actors often use this as a rouge to lure you in and serve up malware when you get on the site.  Sure you will get to see the movie or part of it, but they will gain access to your machine and may even infect your machine with ransomware.  In the end it’s not worth it, pay to see it you will be glad you did.  

The sad thing is that I can’t talk about this movie or other movies like it at work.  I don’t want the general office population to know about my sexuality, but I am sure they all probably do anyway.  The office I work in is not immune to gossip and back biting, it’s your typical office.  What more can I say?  The only thing that would have made watching this movie more enjoyable is if I had a guy be it a boyfriend or just a friend to watch it with me.  Seeing this movie does cause some regret for me in that I didn’t really come to terms with being gay until I got older, I knew about it in my teenage years but just didn’t acknowledge it.  Today I am comfortable with who I am.  I typically don’t flaunt it and it really has no bearing on my employment.  There are people at work that know, but if I had my druthers I wish I would have kept it a secret.  There are a certain group of people that are dying to know, they pretty much think it but no one will confirm or deny it and they don’t have the balls to ask me, they hope I will slip up.  They try to extract the information from me, but I know when I am being pumped and I shutdown. 

I think by in large society is more accepting today than it was when I was growing up.  I am happy about that but also wish that the same tolerance and acceptance would have been there back in my day.  The most that you will see me flaunt my sexuality is when the summer comes and I wear a couple of rainbow tee shirts.  I saw another one that I’d really like but won’t get.  It says don’t hate me because I am gay, hate me because I stole your man.  I think that is way funny. 

I have recently learned that one of my favorite places on earth now serves brunch.  I am talking about Maggiano’s.  I never in a million years thought I would see that.  I wish my late partner was still here, we would be making the drive for breakfast.  I’ll get there eventually but it’s not a priority for me.  The menu does look tempting though. 

Sunday’s adventure will be treating myself to breakfast, thinking of going back to Cracker Barrel to see if the guy who was crushing on me is still there.  I’d like to ask him if I misinterpreted his signals or if he just changed his mind.  I mean I’d like to know why he was all interested one day and then when he got my number he shutdown quicker than a sweatshop.  I don’t want to be dramatic or start a fight, I just want to be polite and tactful but still ask, so I know.  I mean when I am applying for jobs and I think I have it but I don’t get it, I ask.  Some places will tell you and other places will not.  He may say something or he may clam up.  Anyway, after my meal (regardless of where I go), I will be headed to the grocery store.  Then home to put it all away, clean the house and to prepare for Manic Monday.  I am on-call and we all know that crazy seems to follow me, so it should be an interesting week, especially when I am without a boss.  I mean I know who to go to if I need a manager but I won’t venture down that path unless it’s absolutely necessary. 

Now I am torn about what to do next.  Should I play on the computer or should I go jump into a hot shower.  Perhaps a bit of both.  SNL is supposed to be on and that is always a hoot.  I watch it for Weekend Update, I’ve got a wicked crush on Colin Jost.  He is so cute!

The weather is back to Spring again but that is subject to change.  I saw something funny on-line.  It was a wanted poster that police were looking for Mother Nature.  They said she was a bi-polar bitch.  Kind of funny.

I hope that all is well in your world.  Thanks for stopping by.

My first contract

Last night I wrote my very first contract and I am pretty proud of it.  My new lawn guy sent me a contract, more like terms and conditions.  I had an attorney review it and provide me some feedback.  I had a plan to move forward but what I wanted to do looked crappy and could have opened me up to further liability.  I decided to chuck his contract in full and start fresh.  It’s a fair contract and I am told not a bad job for an amateur.  I agree to pay when he sends me a bill, he agrees to service my lawn and that if anything goes awry either to one of his workers, property or even a bystander I can’t be held liable.  Plus he agrees to carry insurance and I can ask for a copy of the policy at anytime.  I think he won’t know what hit him and he will not sign the contract.  I suspect that he will say either we part ways or lets just go off of our word of mouth agreement.  I am not a fan of contracts and commitments in general.  Love and marriage is different.  It’s just if I am financially obligated and something goes wrong I am stuck and there is no escape clause, other than filing Bankruptcy.  I don’t think anything will happen, but then again we never know what the future holds.  That is why there is such a thing as insurance.

Strained my back pretty good last night.  All of the computer work aggravated it and then I picked up Bear, not once but twice.  He wanted to sleep with me and he was adamant about it. 

I’ve spent the last two nights hunkered down in the basement on the damn computer.  Tonight I have said things will be different, just like I said that last night.  I have to get the trash out, then I can get out of my clothes, have supper and I plan to relax in front of the TV and get in some quality time with the kids.  I hope nothing or no one detracts me from my plan.  I got a quick 20 minutes massage and my back is still bothering me.  I only imagine how I will feel tomorrow. 

Its been another dramatic day with my c0worker, I am hopeful that she will calm down soon.  At least this time she is not upset with me, but I get all of the venting which is fine.  I just don’t buy in to the negativity and that probably makes her mad but just because she is having a shitty day, it’s no reason for me to ruin mine.

Well almost time to jet.  I hope that you had a great day.  TGIF tomorrow!!