21 March 2017

Exclusion

Ever since my mom phoned over the weekend, I have been thinking about excluding her.  She has no idea why I feel like I do and why I am avoiding her.  I’d love to lay it all out for her, but since I don’t know the status of the matter that is pending I would be a fool to do that now.  So I have to just avoid her.  Last night though I was dead tired I couldn’t turn my brain off.  I kept thinking about a decision that I came to mentally.  I had an odd dream.  However, I have forged ahead with my plan.  As of this morning my mom will no longer be able to call me, I have blocked her numbers so that if she does call all she will get is the standard telco recording that the number has been disconnected.  Thankfully she doesn’t have my cell phone but she may ask my brother for it, if he decides to cough it up I’ve got her blocked on my cell for 30 days, I can renew the block after that.  So if she calls all she will get is a fast busy signal.  It is a little bothersome that I have actually put this in place, but it’s for my own sanity and safety.  I can’t deal with any of her drama and don’t want to risk saying something about a subject I shouldn’t be talking about.  I may get a call from my brother but then again I kind of doubt that.  He hasn’t kept in touch and I last spoke with him around summer of last year.  That was quite sometime ago.

My next part of the plan is to get an Easter card and send it with a note.  Just to acknowledge that she called and say hello, letting her know that I am okay.  I am sure she worries about me, as any mother would worry about their own child.  I am comfortable with my decision but deep down I know it’s going against the grain.  So it feels odd but I’ve essentially been doing this for a while, just never blocked her from calling.  If I get to tell her one day what this is all about great.  If I don’t then she will never know.  That is kind of a fear of mine, I don’t like to leave things unsettled, I like closure.  However, I’ve been put in an odd spot and to a degree I think she is apart of that so I have to do what is best for me.  Regardless of how it feels.

I’d really love nothing more than to have a supportive and understanding family that is normal.  However, from the time I was conceived things haven’t been normal in my life.  I don’t think they are going to ever get there.  I am semi-comfortable being alone, I mean the only person I need in this world is myself.  I proved that time and time again.  However, I don’t want to be alone I’d like more friends and of course a man.  That may happen eventually.  I think if I can get a man that the friend part will follow.  I am still on the apps and looking.  I am very anxious to fall in love, move forward and get on with my life.  Unfortunately, in the game of life things don’t move as fast as you want them to. 

I’ve faced my worst possible fear, I don’t know that many people are able to say that.  I also don’t know those that can say it can say they have survived, but I can.  I am thankful for everything that I have and that things have turned out so well.  My next greatest fear is that my life will fall apart and that I will loose everything.  I work hard to keep that fear at bay, but honestly it’s so close that it’s palpable..  Miss a couple paychecks and my world will start to crumble.  Scary how close it is.

There is stuff going on at work that will either end my job or keep my job.  It’s stuff that I am not supposed to know but with the nature of my job I have come across information.  I can’t and haven’t shared it with anyone.  I’ve asked my boss about it in general terms and he has no idea or he too is playing dumb.  I work with a lot of smart people and lots of people are talking right now.  At the moment and for the foreseeable future I am okay.  I do think that there will be some further staffing cuts, I am told I am safe but really no one is safe, were all replaceable.  I was the last one in so it would make sense that I would be the first one out.  I really enjoy what I do and am quite happy, despite the minor issues that arise.  I’d love to keep this job if not for the rest of my working life, then for a very long time.  We don’t always get what we want but I am very fortunate to be in the position I am, this in many ways is a dream come true. 

Okay so I am jumping off the soap box.  Back to ye old salt mine.  3 more days left.  Still looking forward to my massage on Thursday.  I still hurt and know that the massage will be painful but hopefully it will do the most good.  If I had the money I’d sign up for a couple hours.  There was one lady that used to work here she was seriously overweight and she would sign up for 2 to 3 hours at a time.  You couldn’t get her to come upstairs for any other reason but the minute the massage signup sheet went out she would be on the first elevator up.  Crazy but then again she was rolling in money, took 2 cruises every year.  Wish I could afford to do that.  Heard this morning on the news that people who don’t take vacations are more likely to die of a heart attack or stroke.  I’d love a vacation it sounds good, just not practical, especially since I wouldn’t have anyone to spend it with. 

Hope your having an awesome Tuesday!  Talk with you again soon.  Thanks for stopping by.

 

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