10 June 2017

Squirt & Suck

Another week has drawn to a close.  This past week was difficult at best.  Mostly because of my back pain.  Today I actually feel pretty good, it’s still sore but most of the discomfort is gone.  I suspect a few more days and all will be back to normal.  Wow this old age stuff really sucks.  Injuries take longer to recover from. 

I did use some muscle relaxers and a narcotic pain reliever, not my favorite thing in the world but damn I needed relief, this was very uncomfortable.   As a result of this a side effect is very colorful and interesting dreams.  The one that stands out the most is I got an idea to write my next book.  It should be all about growing up gay and getting through high school.  I like the idea but I am pondering if I want to actually move forward.  I mean it’s a lot of effort and while I do enjoy helping people, I question if anyone would read what I publish.  It may be different if I knew for a fact that I had an audience. 

Thursday rolled around and a co-worker asked me if I was getting a massage.  I said nay nay, I won’t let her touch me when I am like this.  I am actually debating if I really want to go back to her.  She is aggressive and all about finding the knots and getting them out.  There is little pleasure for me and massages are supposed to be relaxing.  Not the way this lady does it.  Plus think of the money I will save.  I mean I may give in and go back but right now I have hit the pause button. 

My friend buried/planted his wife today.  It was way too far for me to travel and I didn’t go.  I tried to talk myself into it but it was a no go.  He is disappointed but he will get over it.  I mean I went to the most important thing which was the funeral.  I have been there for him and listened to him on the phone.  This was one occasion where I just didn’t want to be around him or her family.  There is way too much drama going on and it’s not healthy for me to hear about it all.  Just because I wasn’t there in person won’t spare me, he will be calling and I will have to listen to him drone on.  But that is what friends do.  He’s listened to me so turn about is fair play.  I just think he is doing everything wrong and moving way too fast.  He is out of control and went off of his meds cold turkey but says he needs something.  For fuck sake call your doctor.  I hope things get better for him and that life slows down a little bit. 

Given my injury this was the perfect time for Netflix to release the next set of episodes of Orange Is The New Black.  Wow I started yesterday and finished up this afternoon.  It’s been non-stop for me.  Very intense.  The funniest thing is when Red says instead of P for Piscatelli I should look under S for Son of a Bitch.  I don’t know why but that line just made me crack up.  There were a couple of other humorous moments but that is the one I liked the best.

The most interesting thing I have done so far this evening is wrestle with the Spot Bot.  I bought a replacement hose because the old one was broken.  Damn I had no idea what I was getting myself into.  I had to rip the whole thing apart.  I believe I had guidance from my late partner, because I can take items apart but they never go back together well, let alone actually function.  I had some serious doubts but I managed to actually remove the old hose and install a new hose.  Problem is that when I put everything back together I got a couple of wires backwards.  Squirt and suck didn’t work like they were suppose to.  With trial and error I finally got it working.  Put it back together and have cleaned the basement carpet where the cats have had a puke fest all week long.  Yuk!

Speaking of cats my poor Ruth is bald on the corner of her back.  Something has gotten to her and I can’t seem to shake it.  I had to give her a reprieve last Sunday because of my back injury.  However, this Sunday I will be trimming her claws.  I plan to brush her and put on some flea medicine, but I will have to see what she will allow.  I am going to try my very best.  I don’t want to hurt her.  If this itchy thing doesn’t clear up, I am guessing it will be back to the vet for a steroid shot.  She hasn’t had one of those in a few years but summer seems to be her itch season.  Maybe it’s not a bug but rather an allergy.  It’s been worse in years past with hives.  Thankfully we aren’t to that stage.

Bears is still working me for all of the food he can get out of me.  I put down multiple cans of food and he just cries for more.  I try to stand firm but he knows my weak spot and that I am a sucker so I give in and bitch about it.  He’s had fluids twice this week.  Since he has gone off of his RX food I am worried that he is going to block again.  So far both ends are flowing.  The fluids was to help him bounce back from a nausea attack and to hopefully keep him from dehydrating.  Plus it helps flush out his bladder. 

Marv on the other hand has diarrhea from his IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome).  It has grown more and more difficult for me to get him his medicine.  He loves to fight against it.  I feel bad for him and have given him fluids in the past to help.  It buys him a day or two at best.  Then it back to the Hershey Highway.  Plus it smells extra bad.  Taz had a similar issue and I worry that Marv has turned into a Diabetic.  He loves his water and he has really dropped the weight as has his brother Bear. 

The problem when you have multiple animals is that you have multiple worries.  I was telling Marv last night that I would really like to sell this place and move but I can’t do that right now.  I have way too much stuff and way too many cats.  I want to ensure everyone is comfortable and staying put is what makes the most sense, so that is what I will continue to do.  I think for my mental health moving would do wonders, but it would also be hard to walk away from this place.  So many memories (good and bad) and it’s the place that I have known as home for a very long time.

I didn’t get a nap today, I tried but as I predicted as soon as I laid down and got comfy the phone went off.  I started on-call on Wednesday and won’t be done until next Sunday.  It’s a long time but I just think of the money and that helps to keep me going.  I am really anxious for Wednesday because that is when I will be able to see my paycheck.  I know that Uncle Sam will take a good portion away in taxes as per usual but the left overs shouldn’t be too shabby.  I have some anxiety over my finances at the moment but once payday rolls around everything will fall into place, always does. 

My boss keeps telling me to be confident.  Friday I figured out that I am tired of all of the bullshit meetings, interruptions and in ability to make any progress.  I start a 1/2 hour early each day and still can’t seem to make any progress.  I actually was the most productive on Friday from 5p until 6:30p when I walked out of the office.  I feel confident and good about what I was able to accomplish.  Taking on more work amped up my stress level but add in all of other items I mentioned and that is why I am worn out.  Hiring someone may or may not help all of this, there will be lots of training and honestly I have my doubts about how long I will last before enough is too much and I start looking.  I am fighting against that as hard as possible.  I feel safe and secure where I am and I very much like my job and am grateful for the opportunities I have been afforded.  However, no matter what I am very much an army of 1 and no one but me is in charge of my future and happiness. 

I hope all of this work bullshit doesn’t age me too much and that I can keep it together for my own well being as well as all of the comforts I have grown accustom to.  I very much need a vacation but lack of time and money are the reasons why that won’t happen.  I do have 2 days scheduled for next month and I look forward to them.  I know that I am told there is backup in place and that when I am away I shouldn’t worry about the office, but fact is there really isn’t backup in place and shit can easily fall apart and spin out of control if I don’t deal with it regardless if I am in or out of the office.  I am not gloating in the least but I have a lot of responsibility and take my job seriously plus there is the whole dedication thing, so I do what I have to do.  My issues have nothing to do with confidence, I mean I have survived my greatest fear and have dealt with more than my fair of shit.  So I am confident that I will get through this as well, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.  Maybe not right away but over time it does happen. 

Ah so the hour is growing late and my momma is waiting for me to get upstairs.  Plus there is putting out my medicine, another chore I dislike, but I will do it because I have to.  I hope all is well in your world and that life is treating you well.  I know that eventually things will turn around for me it just takes time.  Plus it would be nice if we could speed up the process of me finding a man, this being alone shit is horrible.  I like my freedom and the fact that I don’t have to answer to anyone but it would be nice to have a companion for physical and emotional support, plus I wouldn’t be stuck in the house so much.  I guess maybe I should be careful what I wish for but I am interested in all things good that will bring me happiness be it with money, physically and/or emotionally. 

Have a pleasant evening. 

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