18 June 2017

Daddy’s Day

It’s Daddy’s Day or Father’s Day.  Daddy to me has two meanings.  There is the Father and then there is the Gay Sexual Reference.  The sexual reference can be found on Wikipedia.  I am very much wanting to be a daddy, referring to the sexual reference.  However, I am not sure if that will happen, but I am hopeful. 

Father’s Day to me is just another day.  My biological father chose to disown me and the same for my younger brother.  Our mom’s father, stepped up to the plate.  He didn’t want kids but his wife chose to take both of us in, considering that we were being physically abused and in a very unhealthy environment.  He did love us, I cherished him a little bit more when I was younger.  As I began to grow up and enter in to my teenage years we butted heads on more than one occasion.  I had hormones floating through my body and was starting to sexually awaken and then there was the whole discovering I am gay thing.  I never told him but I think he knew, that is until he caught me watching porn.  He loved to enter my bedroom unannounced to exercise and assert his dominance & ownership of the house.  I pleaded and eventually was able to get a lock on my door.  That was the best thing ever.  One day I thought the door was locked and I started watching porn and whacking away.  He opened my door quietly, there was no sound.  Then abruptly closed the door, enough to make it known that he had been there.  Wow, I was mortified and didn’t know what would happen to me.  I finished the task at hand and just went about my normal business.  I wasn’t going to broach the subject.  I figured I would let him bring it up.  It was never spoken of, thank goodness.  Looking back he loved us and he did a great job of raising us and teaching us right from wrong and being the Father that we never had.  It wasn’t until after his death when the movie Saving Private Ryan came out that I fully appreciated what he had been through.  He was in 2 wars and I never thought much about it.  I remember being at the movie and having to walk out because I was so choked up and I was ugly crying at the same time.  That’s when it hit home and I wished that our relationship had been better.  I had similar feelings at his funeral and there was plenty of ugly crying from all of us. 

He always said to me and my brother, if he could afford to he would send us to college, there is great money in computers.  Too bad I can’t afford the bill for school.  Still he encouraged us in his own way.  If he could see me now, he would be proud.  I wound up in Information Technology aka computers.  I never set foot in a college to learn my skill set.  I picked up on watching others, watching TV and just tinkering.  Then someone took a chance on me and the rest as they say is history.  I had a successful marriage that lasted 20 plus years.  I have owned several cars.  I save (not as much as I want to) for the future and those rainy days he always talked about.  I know he wouldn’t be happy with my sexuality, but if he could look past that there is no doubt he would not have any regrets. 

I do miss him and it’s been several years since his passing.  Losing my husband (partner) I had an appreciation for the hell that he went through when he had to bury his wife.  We were all upset but he took it the hardest and rightfully so.  They had been together for 40 to 45 years, I am not certain of the figure exactly.  He was always depressed and he changed drastically after she passed.  I have been depressed as well and share in his feelings of not wanting to go on.  But as he would often remind me, time stops for no man. 

My husband (partner) also played a father figure to me.  He taught me how to drive, he taught me other things about life and how people will fuck you over, how not to give up and to stand up for yourself, especially when your certain you are right.  I learned so much from him that I can’t even begin to document it in words.  Oddly enough he got along quite well with my grandfather.  He became part of the family and was close and a favorite with everyone.  If he could see me now, I know that he too would be proud of me.  How I have managed to bring everything together, keep the house, get a decent job and provide such good care to our cat family.  I still feel his presence in my life from time to time.  I know for certain that he was proud of the man I became as I got older and he would often tell me.  If he hadn’t come along in my life, I can say with certainty that I would not be the person I am today nor would I have the job that I have today. 

So to both my late grandfather and my late husband (partner) I say Happy Father’s Day.  You guys were the best!  Thanks for all that you taught me and for molding me into who I am today. 

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