Yep it’s Monday

As is typical I wasn’t to thrilled to get out of bed this morning.  It didn’t help that I was up late and that Bear woke me up in the middle of the night.  He had to use the bathroom, apparently pretty bad.  He went right where he was supposed to go, such a good boy.  Marvin was also chatty last night and again this morning. 

I saw a movie over the weekend on Here called Seminary.  It’s about a bunch of closet cases at a Seminary.  I see a recurring theme in some of the movies especially when they pertain to gay sex.  We (gay men) get so excited and turned on, then once the deed is done there is an overwhelming sense of either guilt or emptiness – in some cases both.  I remember when I was younger I felt so guilty for thinking sexual thoughts and even getting off from them.  However, once I found a partner and I matured sex was just another part of life.  I didn’t feel guilty, empty – it was pure pleasure.  Right now I feel the emptiness and loneliness, because there is no one in my life.  I hate those feelings and they are starting to mount and make me think that I am truly on an impossible road no matter what I do.  These are the feelings that motivate the thought of ending it all, but then I realize how much progress I have truly made and that makes me proud.  Not only because I have fought and accomplished so much but because I know my late partner would be proud of me for moving forward.  I’ve truly kept my promise that I would make him proud and I have no plans of breaking that.

I sent an updated message to my friend on facebook that I realized my original message was cryptic but I told him that I wasn’t trying to sell him anything and I wasn’t going to tell him how to find Jesus.  I got a response back that we will try to touch base this week.  I think it should happen, we work in the same building.  So do several other people I used to work with but it’s ironic that we haven’t run into each other.  I just plan on asking him if he were in my shoes how he would find a man.  My guess is that I will be told go to the bar.  Perhaps he will know of another guy who is in need of a partner and we can make a love connection.  I don’t have my hopes up, but I am pretty certain that I will get good advice from him.  He’s married as I mentioned and he is a total Gym Rat, big and muscular.  It does nothing for me, so no worries if you thought perhaps we were going to hook up – won’t happen.  HIs husband is exactly like him, which explains why they got married in the first place. 

While I have the sexual part of a relationship covered by manual methods and I am fine with that.  Just having another guy to do things with would be nice.  I am more interested in a companion than anything.  So you might say making a gay friend would be fine.  However, I would like to venture into the bedroom once and a while, so I am not looking for a friend with benefits – I mean I know I want a relationship.  It’s just tough to get to that point. 

Talking with a friend of mine over the weekend I was asked what if the man of your dreams came along but he didn’t like your cats.  Answer he would be gone.  What if he didn’t want to live with you.  That’s fine I am not looking for an overnight change, we can take it slow.  What if he had dogs, that is fine as well.  Just keep them away from my cats and everyone will be happy.  What if he wanted or was required to move because of his job.  Well that depends upon where he is moving to, if I would follow.  I mean I’d have to find work as well and that isn’t exactly an easy task nor something that I want to jump in.  I have thought about relocating myself to CA but it’s so expensive and the cost of living is much higher there than here, so it really doesn’t make sense.  However, oddly enough I think I would be happier.

It’s been a busy day already.  The phone was ringing off the hook and I got to add another person to my do not answer calls list.  No one knows that I am screening the calls that I take but I refuse to talk with some of the more negative and high maintenance people, life is just too short for that.  Why should I get all worked up when I could pass on the call, a coworker can take it and I can get a nice person.  I mean I know it’s not the right thing to do, but I feel that I have more than paid my price on the phone.  There are often times when I am left by myself on the phones.  Others either don’t or won’t login, they walk away from their desks and it’s just me.  Call after call.  I don’t whine about it, I just deal with it and hope that someone will come along eventually.  Now there are others who document with screen shots and e-mails or in other words they whine about it.  Then everyone scrambles to sign on so that boss can see that multiple people are logged in.  Then in a little while the same thing ma happen again.  If I see someone all alone, I will usually join them even if it’s not my time, just to have the extra person signed on in case something crashes.  I call it common coworker courtesy.  Not everyone plays by the same rules here. 

Last night I got a call from my mom last night she needs a copy of her fathers death certificate because she is refinancing her house.  Now the mortgage is in her name already but she claims that they will give her a lower rate if she can prove that he is deceased.  I know I am being lied to because it just doesn’t make sense.  However, I made a copy and am sending it to her.  I am not sure what kind of a scam she is trying to pull but that will be my brothers problem to deal with.  Legally she can’t sign anything because she has been declared mentally incompetent and my brother has to take care of any legal business that she has.  However, I think she has convinced herself that she is in her right mind and it’s okay and perfectly legal to sign any legally binding documetn and/or contract, when that is clearly not the case. 

I am mailing the copy to her tonight and it will take a couple days to get there.  I hope that my check is waiting for me at the post office.  That is all I know for now.  So off to eat lunch and prep for this afternoon.  Looking forward as usual to getting home to my furry children who I know miss me dearly.  Talk with you all later.