Quick update

I had optimism last night based on what I heard.  This morning I no longer am optimistic.  I am still giving her a fighting chance but odds are that I will be saying goodbye tonight.  What about one more day?  Yeah no matter what the situation I would like more time and will never be ready but honestly if she doesn’t start eating by tonight then for her sake and mine both it’s time to bring an end to this. 

I always knew that there would be a day that would come where I would have to say goodbye to her.  At least thus far she hasn’t died abruptly and I will be afforded the chance to say goodbye, which is something to be thankful for. 

Through a misunderstanding I got to visit with her, when I honestly really didn’t want to.  I didn’t want to upset her or myself but I managed to at least upset myself, I’m not sure that I did any harm to her.  When I first saw her she didn’t seem like she knew who I was and didn’t seem like my cat anymore, which is quite bothersome.  Eventually she warmed up to me and turned on her purr motor, she wants out of that place and wants to return home.  I’ve already had a conversation about that and even if I want to bring her home I won’t be permitted to, unless we do end of life at home.  While that could be comforting to her it would wreck me even more.  If were going down that path I would rather do it in the vets office, at least I can be with her. 

I’ve asked they leave her IV in place so that the medicine can be given that way instead of having to wait for the first drug to kick in and watching her turn into Frankenstein.  So the whole thing when I am ready will be super quick and she won’t suffer it will be peaceful and humane. 

It more likely here that she has lung cancer based on her x-ray.  I got to see it and the way the picture was painted there were 3 nodules we were looking at which is not the case.  She looks like she swallowed a bag of marbles and there are nodules everywhere.  Given her age it’s more likely that it’s cancer and not a non-cancerous granuloma.  I wish that I could get a straight answer from the start instead of having to find things out after the fact.  I value honesty and candor – mix in a little buffering but tell it to me how it is and don’t candy coat it to water down the news or the seriousness.  The only good thing about this situation is that after she does pass I will be forever done with this vet, short of having to go back to pick up her cremains. 

I made matters worse here having few people to turn to I called my brother.  What a mistake that was.  First he didn’t know who I was because I was crying, once he figured out who I was he told me that he no longer had my phone number.  Wow that told me how much he would care.  He just told me how awful the situation was and that it was time to let her go.  He offered to let me come by his place but I declined.  I would rather be alone or go to a restaurant and be surrounded by strangers.  I’ve got no plans to call him again and am thinking of just blocking him all together but I’d like to leave the door open in case someday he manages to come to his senses once he breaks free from the cult he is in, as if that day will ever come. 

Right now I am going to make a quick call to check to see if anything has changed and then I plan to watch TV and try if possible to relax a bit.  I am for sure off on Monday and Tuesday.  I plan to go back on Wednesday if I have regained my composure.  2 days hopefully will be more than enough time to process this. 

Life is sure going to be different without my little furry girl.  I will have to learn to truly adjust to being all alone.  I’d love nothing more than to end my suffering by exiting life but I don’t know that I have the strength to try anything drastic like that and if I did it would probably go wrong and I would be left with some form of a defect.  This really sucks and is unfair.  I know that her age of 18 shows how well she was cared for but I honestly wanted her to live to be at least 1 year older.  The only comfort I will have is that I won’t have to worry about her and that hopefully she will be reunited with her family. 

God help me and my little girl.