As you might well imagine my mind is going 100mph and I am thinking of all sorts of different things. I got the idea what if we increase her steroid, perhaps that will help drive her appetite. The vet agreed that it was a viable option and something we can try. However, she thinks that Gator has become resistant to the steroid. We chatted a bit about next steps and they don’t normally send cats home with a tube in but I could bring her home for a couple days both with and/or without the tube. They are looking at trying to help me get comfortable with the decision to end her life. No matter how much time you give me I won’t ever be ready. It a decision that I know at this point is the right call to make but I am trying for an 11th hour reprieve looking to buy time. If she eats it’s encouraging but by no means does it mean we will be out of the woods. She could relapse at any point and I would be back in the same position.
Gator got the new dose at 3p and she will get her next tube feeding at 6p. The vet will call me later this evening just before she is ready to leave. I had shared with her that I had plans to make the call tonight but if she thinks that waiting until tomorrow morning would be better and might hold out an ounce of hope then I would be willing to do that. She said it would be a worth while option to try but the final call when this is all over with is totally and completely in my hands. Control is something that I like but right now it’s not something that I really want when it comes to an end of life decision.
Since I am literally across the street from the vet and they are open 24 hours I can still make the call tonight if I want to. Unless things take a turn for the worse or I just get a gut feeling that it’s the right time chances are I won’t make that decision until tomorrow. Bottom line here is that Gator is terminal and I have to do what is best for both her and I. I don’t want her to suffer or be miserable. I honestly think she is whacked out of her mind on what ever pain meds she is on that the overnight vet started at 4a. The present vet doesn’t want to take her off of it just in case she is in any pain but based on all outward appearances she is not in any pain.
I spoke with my boss and I can take as much time as I want so he said but I know after a couple days he will probably want to retract that offer. I get that at some point I have to resume a normal or semi-normal schedule if for nothing other than my own sanity. My boss said to consider taking a trip next year. We talked about Hawaii and he said that I would love it. I realize if/when Gator is gone I’ve got nothing holding me back and I can travel or do whatever I want so long as I have the money to back it up. I’ve thought about that for a very long time and honestly it sounds nice but it would be better if I had someone to travel with. I told him that I would like a 1 way ticket to Hawaii and he asked why 1 way and not round trip. I said because when I get there I hear it’s so great I will never want to leave. He said that was very true.
I went out for a bite to eat and am back home, realized I forgot to schedule a bill payment and did that. Since I am in front of the computer might as well make a post. I was given a grief hotline # that opens later this evening and I plan to give them a call just to see if I can get another perspective or view. Yes I am trying to not only buy time but strike a bargain – it’s part of the grieving process which I feel I have entered despite the fact my girl is still alive.
Finally before I go I asked the vet what the odds are that Gator’s body would make the decision for me and she said that it’s not likely that she would die in her sleep or otherwise suddenly cease to exist. Unfortunately, she needs my help to be able to do that. The only other way is to bring her home and let her starve to death and that will be a long, cruel and grueling process which while I think I might be able to get her to eat if she was more comfortable, we have kind of explored that and it didn’t work. Yes I want to bring her home but if it’s only to go back to the vet then it’s not fair to her and it would just make me feel worse or so I feel.
Right now I pray that she starts eating and that her appetite doesn’t stop. She’s part of Momma’s family and when one of those cats lose their appetite you play hell trying to get them to eat. They are more stubborn than the day is long. Gator loves food especially considering she goes through a minimum of 6 small cans per day and that’s 3 more than she actually needs. Her weight has leveled out at 13 pounds so she really only lost 2 pounds since she was last at the vet. That is not a good sign but Cancer patients typically have severe weight loss which is part of why I am not 100% convinced that it’s cancer but it can have a sudden on set and once the door slams shut it just never opens again. It’s like that in people as well as animals.
My fingers can type out all sorts of words but bottom line I have to face reality and there is a 99.9% chance that Gator will not come back home alive. Accepting that and getting used to it will take time. The vet told me not to move until I was ready but that it’s a decision that will need to be made in short order. A couple days extra at best. Right now my deadline is set for tomorrow morning and unless there is someone or something that changes my mind then it’s pretty much a done deal. I may move it up to tonight but I kind of doubt that, there is still that part of me that says what if you gave her just a little bit of extra time, especially since I know how her mom and siblings were. If I had the extra time (which I kind of do) I would really like to put this off until Tuesday or Wednesday then if there is no change it’s pretty certain that she won’t ever eat again on her own. However, I don’t know that it’s fair or right to hold out that long.
I love my cat and if that alone could save her she would have never been in this position. Love causes us to do a lot of silly or out of the ordinary things that we wouldn’t otherwise do. Kind of like when your super stressed. While I look at this as a failure on my part I’m told that it’s a loss and not my fault. I kind of feel like I should have gotten that silly wheeze checked out sooner and then perhaps we would be in a different position. No matter what anyone says I’m going to beat myself up over this both now and after she is gone. She is the last thing on this earth that is truly depending on me, that loved me for me and is so innocent. I made my promise to her and I have to honor that. Absent of that promise I am pretty much ready to move forward despite the fact that it will end her problem, it will cause me problems.
Please oh please whoever is in charge upstairs you’ve got to make 2023 a better year for me, presuming I make it out of this year alive. I want to have life be a more positive and upbeat experience for me instead of what it has been for the last 9 soon to be 10 years. I mean even with the law of averages you’d think by now I would have struck some gold or gotten a huge win. Maybe just maybe I did in the fact that I got to care for 7 cats the best I could and they enriched my life in ways that no person could. I miss all of them so much and this present situation just re-opens very old wounds.
Enough babble I need to get about doing some other things. Hope that your day is/was better than mine has been.
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