The Thankful Post

So we are at that time of year where we gather with friends and family, catch up from the past year, and talk about everything from sports, politics and the happenings in our lives. This year like last I will be gathering with friends at the place where I and my late partner set a tradition that is done year after year. Where else but Maggiano’s Little Italy. This year like last it will be odd that he is not physically there with us to help eat, talk and laugh. I very much miss his company not only at this event but throughout the year. There is no doubt that he had a profound impact on my life. We made many memories over the 20 plus year we were together. There was laughter, shock, awe, sadness, happiness and just the everyday living one day to the next.

This past year has been nothing short of a rollercoaster ride, as has been my life since my sweet guy passed away. Looking back on this year I remember profoundly saying last year at the holidays that this would be the year of change. I had to get a new job one way or another. Well I lost my job which gave me more than the motivation to get a new one. There were many interviews, phone calls and letters. Thankfully this job search was short once I was forced into unemployment. I am thankful that I had started months prior because if not for that the search would have gone much longer. I no sooner landed a job and then 3 days later lost it. I had a second offer in the works that I had just turned down, so I revived it and thankfully it worked. I got to travel and see a city that I have always wanted to see. I met lots of new people. Made what I consider a friendship with a co-worker who is smoking hot, but unfortunately straight and we live a million miles apart. Still it was fun to hang out with him, even if for only one night. I got to eat at lots of new places and sample food that I never thought I would have. Like Wild Turkey Meatloaf with Mushroom Gravy. I loved it but unfortunately my stomach did not.

I ventured into the world of dating, via apps on my iPhone. I had my first date, it was not the best but it was a step in the right direction. I met another guy who I quickly determined was not right for me and sent him packing. I am still amazed at myself for this but I managed to muster up the courage to ask a guy out that I like. Not knowing if he was straight or gay, just throwing caution to the wind and asking. I was petrified but went through with it anyway and well he said no. I am still scouring through on-line dating apps for Mr. Right. There are plenty of Mr. Right now’s if all I wanted to do was have a quick hook up. Which I must say has been tempting, there have been some hot young guys there that stir up sexual feelings. However, I shy away from that mostly because I am afraid of what I could pick up along the way and a little fun in bed isn’t worth a lifetime of pain, suffering and worry. I am a monogamous guy and hookups just aren’t my thing.

The one thing that I find is initiating conversation is awkward, once you get past the hard part of starting the conversation the other party is quick to inquire, how old are you and where do you live? The living part is easy and doesn’t seem to bother anyone. It’s when I say I am 43 that people just freak and leave. I am too old. In the gay community life seems to end at age 30 – after that you’re just an old man. This is far from the truth. My late partner said it best, there isn’t anything lonelier than a lonely old queer. Still I get down but manage to somehow get back up again and long to get punched in the face with the same rejection. It’s like the definition of insanity, which is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. Eventually, there has to be a guy for me. Maybe I take a break for a while and then come back to it or maybe I just stick with it. Either way in the end the results should change.

Then we come to the sad part where one of my cats, BLU who had strikes against him after he was born. Someone managed to chop off his tail, shoot him with a BB gun and lord knows what else they did to him. You couldn’t get close to his face w/o him freaking out. TAZ led him to our door some 5 years ago and he’s been a part of our family ever since. I warmed up to him and just this past year learned where his trigger spots were – so I could scratch and send him to pleasureville at will. I also broke down the barrier and could kiss him w/o him freaking out. Claw trimming well that wasn’t fun but we managed to get through it. He did love the brushing. One day he developed a fever and despite all of the medical care and money I threw his way, there was little improvement and there was no figuring out where the fever came from. So I had to say goodbye to him. That still hurts just talking about it. I feel like I gave up but I had to from a financial perspective because it was simply throwing money down the drain with no results or answers. There are endless possibilities of what if’s but no matter what the deal is done and try as I might I can’t bring him back. For the first time I had an animal cremated, which was against my late partners beliefs. Typically we would dig a hole and do a Christian Burial.

Then there is the matter of the house. I’ve been trying for a payment reduction since my late partners’ death and I have filled out countless numbers of paperwork, faxed, emailed and mailed information off. Only to be told no. Last year I applied for a loan in my name but because the person submitting the paperwork didn’t understand the program he thought I qualified for, I didn’t qualify and thus was rejected. This year after my 2 year anniversary out of bankruptcy I applied for a loan in my name. It took 2 months but I finally closed and the place is mine. I got the payment relief that I so desperately needed and will be saving $500 per month. Everyone tells me put the extra money towards the house payment and you will reduce the loan balance. That is a great idea but I need to build a rainy day fund so in case something happens I can survive.

The week after Blu died so did my computer. So I had to purchase a new desktop and go through the joys of working with Windows 8. Everyone says you’re an IT guy so this isn’t supposed to happen to you. Not true. Hard drives have a finite number of years / spins to operate and eventually they go bad. What isn’t supposed to happen to me is data loss. It didn’t happen to me because I backup my data – rebooting and backing up your data 2 things that an IT person will tell you on a frequent regular basis. I am so thankful for backing up my data. I didn’t keep a lot of valuable stuff on my C drive, most of that is on USB drives but I have changed that practice because space has become a concern. When I am able to financially get back on my feet, I will look at getting a couple of larger external drives and then I can go back to that practice.

Since I had gotten a desktop, I decided to spend the extra money and get the laptop that I have wanted for some time. I figured that I went months of scrimping and saving to squeak by and now it was rewards time. The price was right and I moved in. I wish I would have gotten a different model, but I am happy with what I have purchased and find that some of the productivity of Windows 8 is actually useful.

Then my mom got into a car accident and totaled her car. So she is dependent upon other people, like me to cart her to and fro. It gets old for both parties. She is badgering me to sell her my late partners’ truck. I am not going to do that and have told her multiple times but she keeps on asking. My plan is to trade it in once the time is right. Mom can’t see worth a crap, hence the accident and well I don’t want her to wreck this just because there is sentimental value to it. Now if I wreck it, well that is a different story.

So my life probably resembles yours in that there have been many ups and downs. However, my life is probably the exception when it comes to drama. Not that it’s a competition, I would rather not have the drama but it seems to have been following me for a while. Perhaps next year my life will be drama free or drama reduced, either or is fine with me.

I’ve said all that to say that there are many things that I am thankful for and those are in no particular order…..

Life without it I wouldn’t be living. Good Health for allowing me to work and do the things that I want to. Money for without it living would be difficult. Savings while there isn’t much there it’s nice to know if I get into a small bind I have something to rely on. Cats because they provide constant companionship, will listen to you babble on for hours and generally won’t provide any feedback, plus there is unconditional love (so long as you feed the monsters). The house for providing me and my furry family a place to live to weather the many storms of life and to provide security to sleep at night. My vehicles to allowing me to get around to work and the other places that I need & want to go. For my late partner who filled my life with richness, wisdom and companionship that can’t be measured. For my late cat Blu who I know loved me and whom I was able to bring pleasure to. For all of my toys, phones, computers, pron and gadgets. Just makes life a little easier. For the few friends that I have to be able to bounce things off of them, to cry on their shoulders and to help them however I can. For my job – it’s nice not living in constant fear of being fired and wondering if today is your last day. For providing me a very handsome salary, benefits and helping me to see that I can make a difference. For those that I work with in providing me knowledge and for allowing me to impart my knowledge to them. For the whole dating process, I think it makes me stronger even though the rejection does hurt. For Amazon, Netflix, Hulu Plus, On Demand, Cable TV & Internet for providing me hours upon hours of entertainment and evoking many emotions along the way. For teaching me new things and new ways to look at situations. For Audible for letting me peer into to the life of Neil Patrick Harris and for providing entertainment as well as knowledge. Even though our relationship just started I think it will be a long and fruitful one. For any body and anything that I have forgotten because my memory can’t remember everything.

It’s this one time of year that causes us to reflect and look back at the past year to truly take everything in and to be thankful, even if only for food. We all have something to be thankful for. My life if you have been following my blog for any length of time you know is not an easy one. I used to have life by the tail but didn’t realize it. Life threw me a curve ball to wake me up and now I feel like I am really living, despite the losses in my life. I feel more alive than I have ever felt before. So look around, think and I am certain that there are many things that you too can be thankful for too.

I bid you all a very Happy Thanksgiving and a wonderful Holiday Season. Let us not just be thankful one time of year but each and every day. Appreciate those that are around you, the things you have, including but not limited to life and your health. I think that will make us all much richer and better people in the end.

One of my many former employers started a tradition in that every year at Thanksgiving we would all post to a bulletin board at least 1 thing we were thankful for. I have done my best to keep that up every year but digitally or with friends and family.