Yesterday one of my co-workers that caught me asked me directly if I got more cats. I paused for a moment and then said yes. The response I got back was I knew it. What I said next caught this person way off guard.
I said there is really nothing to live for and to give me a reason to go on I had to get more cats, otherwise I’d just as soon jump off a bridge. This person doesn’t know my backstory but even if they did I can see where that would shock and cause alarm.
I happened to find a news article about a guy that I have a crush on, we used to work together but he’s a million miles from me and really wouldn’t be interested in me. Anyway, he was quoted in the article as saying he attempted suicide. That was horrible to read. He’s cute, young and blond. I mean if I had his looks I for sure would not be single.
I’m sure many people would be shocked and sad if I actually went through with plans to end my life. However, reaction afterwards wouldn’t really matter to me. I need people to hang with and a boyfriend, that adds to my reason to go on.
Honestly I am still kind of shocked that I am still here. Gator’s passing was the lowest point in my life and there wasn’t much anyone could do that would soothe that loss. The loss was more than a cat, it was closing out a large chapter in my life. Which has been a series of nothing but death. One doesn’t often think about death but we (me and my late spouse) talked about it periodically. Things went the way he said they would just because he was older he would go first. We never really talked about the cats passing or how he would be leaving me stuck with them and I would have to bury them as well. It all came to light once he passed and honestly I am still surprised to this very day how well I made it through all of that. Life was quite unkind to me taking my spouse, then my job and I was left to wonder how I would be able to make ends meet. It all came together. I am thankful that it did. When Gator passed I was fortunate that I was able to talk with multiple people. I’m also surprised I didn’t wind up in a mental ward but at the same time grateful that didn’t happen because it probably would have done more damage than good.
Right now my reasons to go on are Morea and Rudy, they are both young so I think unless something else goes wrong that causes me to look past them I am reasonably safe. But it’s no secret that someday were all going to pass. That kind of sucks when you think about it but it’s one of those things that we just loose sight of.
Life has a whole host of problems, obstacles and issues that we all have to deal with. Everyone is dealing with something but people loose sight of that or form the opinion well it’s pouring buckets in my life and I sucked it up, everyone else should do the same thing. It doesn’t work that way. Why? Because were all different people.
Long story short I think I caused concern and shocked this person. I don’t know how someone else in my shoes would react but it does often feel like I am trapped in a movie or soap opera and can’t get out. I’ve felt that way ever since I can remember. I remember voicing that concern when I was younger and the response I got was life is a soap opera. How true!
I am ready for life to continue to get better. That may or may not happen. However, I’m trying to make it change for the better just not having a whole lot of luck. Rome wasn’t built in a day and things take time, often much more time than we think it should. Patience is a skill that I will probably spend the rest of my life learning. However, the more I indulge patience and wait, the more it typically pays off for me. Now if I just could get the secret sauce for how to get a good guy, retire comfortably sooner rather than later and start traveling, life would be grand.
If you stumbled on this and your having a bad day or thinking of self harm, go talk to someone anyone it helps. It won’t fix things but perhaps the person you talk to can offer a different view point or suggestions to make it better. I keep going even though I really don’t want to and there is some good that happens. It’s tough to focus on the good or positive but it’s there right along with the bad.
I don’t quite know how to close out this post other than saying that’s all I have for now. Take care and we will talk again soon. Be well.
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