Unplanned day off

Today I had an unplanned day off.  I was up late last night, apparently I forgot to take my sleeping pills.  Something that seems to be happening to me more and more.  Anyway it was close to 4 am when I turned out the lights and call it quits. 

I woke up after noon, fed the children and had breakfast.  Then I decided to watch some more Scandal and got hooked into that.  I was passed out again around 3.  Woke up at 5 and watched more Scandal.  Then fed the children and had supper.  Came back watched more Scandal.  This show is really good.

I thought about getting ready and going out tonight to the grocery store but then I said why bother.  I’ve got tomorrow.  It will be an excuse to wake up early and hit the bricks.  Besides that I have to meet up with my family.

So here I am with a day all alone to myself nothing to do.  I’ve got some work to engage in a little while.  However, for the most part today has been about relaxation.  It’s therapeutic I tell you.  Not worrying about anything or anyone.  Kind of nice. 

Work bothered me today a couple times but that’s all taken care of.  Now I am blogging and I’ve got Windows Updates applying on all of my servers.  They are about 2 months behind and I am watching them.  I stopped worrying about them because every time I updated them and rebooted them my boss would suddenly have problems with his computer.  Well he will be out next week, except for Tuesday.  So I figure that I might as well get them caught up.  Shame because next week not this week Microsoft will be releasing more.  The 2nd Tuesday of every month, you can count on it like clock work. 

Scandal is apparently an ABC TV series that will start airing again in October from what little bit I have dug up.  There is a character named Jake, man he is super hot.  So I will be doing some research to find out who he is and how many shirtless photos I can collect of him.  I will be setting my DVR to watch the series when it starts up in October.  I am all in, hooked is minor more like invested.  This show and Suits are easily my two favorites of all time.

So tomorrow will be grocery store day and meeting with the family day.  It will also be my 42nd birthday a day that I would love to celebrate with the one I love.  Unfortunately he won’t be with me, but he will be in my thoughts and is always alive in my heart.  We did have a plan for growing old together.  He wanted to live to see how I aged.  We both always knew he would go before me.  We just never thought it would be this year.  Ironic how one moment your fine and all is well and the next your heart skips a couple beats and your dead.  I am still trying to solve the mystery why God called him home.  I know that it’s because his purpose here on earth, his mission was fulfilled.  I think that mission was to help others but mostly to help me. 

I think that I am left alone because it’s time to start a new chapter in my book.  It’s time for me to stand or sink on my own.  No one else to blame.  To go with my gut and what I feel is right.  I’ve had someone to lean on my entire life and I honestly need and want that security.  However, I don’t know that I will ever find it or true love again. 

His passing has put quite the burden on me with closing out his life, fighting for a death benefit that was mine, and working to keep the house that he bought to give to me.  Plus I have all of the children to look after.  To say that my hands are full is the understatement of the year.  Closing out someone’s life is not an easy or fun task.  It’s something that we are all going to have to do at some point in our lives.  Regardless if it’s your mother, father, wife, husband, friend – matters not who.  What matters is getting the job done and seeing it through to the end.  Not giving up even though the system is designed to make you give up.  Keep true to your mission and see it through to the end.

In some cases it takes literally years before you will be done.  In my case most of the work is done.  I just have to work out the issues with the house and finish paying off the bankruptcy.  The bankruptcy will take 3 years, the house still has 11 years but with payment modification I am sure that will alter the terms of the loan and draw it out further.  I am fine with that just as long as I can continue to stay here until the day I die or decide that it’s time to move.

Tomorrow will be difficult in some ways – I still think I am in shock over the whole death thing.  I wake up every morning and it hits me like a ton of bricks.  The reality that I am alone.  It’s a constant reminder.  I keep wondering when or if I will ever wake up from this nightmare that I am living.  However, it’s not a nightmare, it’s reality and well reality sucks sometimes. 

I wish I had more time with him and I wish the circumstances of his death would have been different.  In that I wouldn’t have had to make a choice to end his life.  Yeah, I know I didn’t kill him I just let nature take it’s course.  However, it feels a lot like murder.  I am at peace in knowing that I did the right thing, even though it feels so wrong.  I believe that he heard me saying my goodbyes but I will never know. 

The last thing I know with all of my heart is that he wouldn’t have wanted this process of closing his life to be a burden.  He didn’t want to be a burden to anyone.  Even though while he was alive he was a burden to me.  That truly was depressing for him.  I know that he would have wanted things to be different and easier.  However, I also know that I am keeping my promise of making him proud. 

God never gives us challenges greater than what we can handle.  However, this is the ultimate in challenges and all things considered I am doing pretty good.  I hope that I continue to thrive and move closer each day in getting the mortgage company to work with me.  Then and only then will I feel a small sense of closure.

Sorry for the babble, I tend to drone on.  I am going back to tend to the servers, then do some surfing and of course watch more Scandal.  I will finish out the series tonight or early tomorrow.  Not sure what I will watch then!

Goodnight and God Bless.