Forty Second Year of Life

So Forty Two years ago today I was born.  I often wonder why I was brought into this world.  I was supposed to be adopted by a “rich couple” and my life would have been all milk and honey.  Well maybe not milk and honey but probably a little easier than what it is now.  However, if that path would have taken place who knows where I would be or who I would be.  The choices that were made for me in my childhood helped shape who I am today.

I am comfortable in my own skin, don’t really care too much who knows that I am gay or who doesn’t know for that matter.  Sexual choice or preference is only one aspect of my life.  Like yours there are many aspects to my life. 

Birthdays long ago lost their luster and charm.  The presents stopped, the cards get fewer and fewer each year.  So in reality it’s just another day for me.

However, this birthday is a profoundly sad occasion for me because I can’t spend it with the man that I love.  I know that he is watching over me and smiling.  While that gives me some comfort it does not take away all of the pain.  I wanted to have just a hum drum day with him.  Maybe go out to eat and then lounge around the house.  Instead I got to get together with family, which was okay.  We had our meal and talked a little bit. 

My mother talk like she has a milkshake for a brain.  She can’t hardly complete her sentences, food all over her face and she talks with her mouth full.  She has put on so much weight and her hair looks like it was an experiment gone wrong at the local beauty college.  Of course I can’t say those things to her, well I mean I could but it would impact the relationship we have.  So I just keep my thoughts to myself.

My brother said I love you for the first time ever to me today.  Those were words I never thought I would hear.  However, I guess he has finally come to the realization of how fragile life is and that I won’t be around forever.  Between us we both have health issues.  Mine are being overweight, cholesterol and being a diabetic.  His are lungs that are as black as an ace of spades.  He coughs and coughs and can hardly catch his breath.  His face is red and he looks visibly miserable.     Yet he keeps on puffing away knowing that with each one it’s another nail in his coffin.  I honestly wish he would quit.  Cancer runs high in our family and I think it’s only a matter of time before it catches up with him. 

I’ve buried my grandmother, grandfather, husband and countless pets.  I don’t want to bury my brother or mother.  However, with mom having such a jump in age on us I think that is inevitable.  So I can deal with it.  However, my brother well that would be a huge blow. 

This has truly been a year the sucks like no other.  I will be a little happier I hope when it’s all over and we can start fresh next year.  His birthday and holidays are going to suck but I will get through it.  I hope that only good will follow from now on.  I’d like to be happy not just for a day or an hour but all the time. 

I pray that the cards have in them one more guy for me.  That we will be each others everything and have the time of our lives.  I will never forget my husband he will be with me in thoughts and memories until the day I die. 

I pray that he is at peace and living a much better life than he lived when he walked the earth.  Knowing that would help me but wouldn’t quench the loneness or the fact that I miss him.

So Forty Two years have come and gone, it seems like only yesterday that I graduated High School.  If I am fortunate enough to live another 42 tow years I wonder what I will see, experience and have to deal with. 

On a day that I should be so happy I am thinking about my guy and making preparations for a new Last Will & Testament.  I am thinking of getting a small term life policy on myself and leaving that to the folks that I leave the kids to, just in case something happens.  I don’t really care much about anything else that I own for they are all material possessions.  The animals I own are living breathing creatures that I have been entrusted to take care of and I want to live up to the responsibility that I have been entrusted with.  At my age I shouldn’t think about dying but things happen regardless if you are prepared or not.  Better to be prepared and have things spelled out than to just leave them up in the air and let others figure it out.

I am spending the rest of the evening relaxing, preparing for another work day and eventually going to bed.  It’s been a nice weekend and I accomplished a lot.  Not all of it is done but I have certainly taken the first and biggest step.  It feels so surreal. 

Thank you for stopping by, leaving comments and reading my ramblings.  I truly appreciate the readership that I have.  So here’s to many more years ahead.  Stay tuned and come back to find out what’s new or who’s old.  I will talk with you peeps later.