03 April 2013

What I know....

What an emotional and very long day yesterday was.  I am so alone right now and feel horrible.  Emotional wreck?  Yup!

Between what I was told at the hosptial and what I put together on my own.  I learned that my dear sweet man stopped taking his blood thinner for a while.  I suspect based on the date on the bottle that it had been about 2 to 3 months.  No wonder he had a stroke.  I kept saying he is on blood thinner how is this fucking possible?

His INR was at a level 1, which is what a normal persons reading should be at.  If you are on a blood thinner it should be between 2 and 3.  His blood was so thick that it was clotting in the tube as the nurses were drawing it.

The mortaility rate for the type of stroke he had is very high.  I can't say for certain yet that he is going to die, but it doesn't look good.  If by some miracle he were to survive this he would be "Locked In" meaning he would be in a body that stopped working and paralyzed.  However, his mind would be unaffected.  That is his worst nightmare. 

I had a family friend with me yesterday.  They came out of the wood work as soon as I started spreading the news.  I knew I would need someone and I am glad that they stepped up to the plate.  I did pretty well up until we parted ways yesterday.  I went almost 24 hours with no sleep, which I have NEVER EVER done.  I am surprised that I am still functioning. 

Last night I had dreams about my sweet man and I woke up feeling a little at peace.  However, the reality of this whole experience set in and I have been crying my eyes out for hours.  I still had 2 hours to sleep before I was to go to the hosptial and I just decided to get up.  I am so tired right now and just want to go back to sleep but I can't.

The doctors told me that they would be at the hosptial early and they would want to talk with me because more data should be available regarding the long term picture.  I was also cautioned that if he does pass it could be something that was quick or it could linger out for 6 months.  6 months, how the fuck am I supposed to function? 

My life feel so much like it is over with.  My guy was worried about how alone he felt and he was so scared.  I suspect that he knew something was going to happen.  Our last conversation was him telling me that he was having a stroke.  Now I am the one who is all alone, I am the one who is scared and I am the one that doesn't know how I will go on without my rock.

I've got a house to figure out how I will pay for, I have 7 cats and myself.  WTF!

By reading this I am sure that you feel bad for me.  The only thing you can do is pray.  Unfortunatley this isn't a bad April Fools joke and it's not a dream.  It's a reality and like it or not I have to face it head on.  Making decisions is not something that I can say I am good at, but it's a reality right now.

I will keep you updated.  Right now I have to get some food, a shower and get out of here before I keel over from lack of sleep.  Thanks so much for your support, it means the world to me.  Even if there is only 1 of you reading this. 

2 comments:

Jude said...

The news doesn't sound good and I am praying hard, my friend. I'm so glad you had someone come to be with you, it's tough enough dealing with such fright but worse when you're alone. :(

My biggest wish right now is that I was close by so that I could be with you there, instead of just "here". I hope you can feel my hugs, support and love.

Please keep us posted. xoxoxoxox

. said...

Hey don't post this but this is eternal sunshine blogger guy. If you want to talk by phone I can if you email me your email address. bloggerguy39@gmail.com

So sorry for your loss Jeremy. Wish I could hug you and give you support.