21 April 2013


I am all packed, with the exception of my laptop.  It’s charging because the battery was dead.  That caught me off guard but better to find it out now than when I am in the middle of an airport trying to work on some emergency. 

I printed my boarding pass, even though my computer didn’t want to cooperate.  Southwest issues the smallest boarding passes ever.  I could have checked in from my phone, but if the phone fails then I have no boarding pass, so I don’t put all of my eggs in one basket.  I’d rather have the printed document.  Happy to report I am in Boarding Group A, which means I should be one of the first on the plane.  It’s a 747 so I shouldn’t have to check my luggage, but never say never.  I learned that on my last trip back in January. 

It only took me all day to get up the courage to pack, but as time was slipping away from me, I realized it was now or never.  I got one lamp on a timer and tested it, works just fine.  I’m taking my guys toothbrush with me.  It’s a Sonicare Pro Results and I am using a new brush head.  We never ever shared a toothbrush, that would just be gross.  Anyway, it’s got a travel case and travel charger so I should be all set.

I decided not to take my own shampoo and I know I will be sorry for that but it will make coming home that much more enjoyable.  I just hope whatever the hotel has is some what decent in that it doesn’t make my head itch.  There is always a trip to the drug store if there are problems. 

The kids really didn’t know what to think when they saw me packing.  I explained to them that I am going on a trip and that the guy they saw yesterday will be up to feed them.  He is starting on Monday night so they won’t be too starved.  Monday will be close to a normal day for them.  Tuesday – Thursday will be the true test and I am sure they can make it.  We left them before for a few days with food and they survived.  Cats are pretty resilient and as long as you leave dry food and plenty of water they will be okay.  That is until the litter box gets full, then you will have a whole different problem. 

I have so many concerns with leaving but I hope they disappear.  I know I’ve done everything possible to prep for this trip, despite the fact I don’t want to go.  Sometimes things are out of your control and you just have to let them be, like it or not.  That is exactly what I will be doing here.  I really hope that I can manage to have a couple moments of fun and some damn good food.  We shall see. 

Today I went through my memory book, it’s a book where I keep ticket stubs and other memories of things we did together.  I never ever saved any of the e-mails he (my guy) sent me because I though it was just a waste.  Wish I would have saved them now.  In any event I came across a letter he wrote me back when he was going through chemo and he told me how much he loved me and how proud he was of me.  Well that sent me over the edge and I tiered up but couldn’t get a good cry going like I wanted to. 

I was quick to inform one of his friends that he interacted with daily.  They were childhood friends.  We have met and the guy is gay.  He is a slut too, goes to bath houses and lets many guys plow him.  He has had numerous false positive AIDS tests.  If there is anyone that you would ever thing would be dead it would be this guy because of his risky behavior but he is still kicking.  So when I wrote him I got no response.  I found a phone number a few days later called him and got a very cold response.  I was mortified.  Then he wrote me later that day.  I’ve been putting off responding to him and decided to get it out of the way today.  I wrote and wrote and like this blog entry it went on and on.  I finally had to force myself to bring it to an end, he probably won’t see it for days if at all.  However, I at least have the peace in knowing I responded to him. 

Last night for supper I made Sloppy Joe Burritos.  It’s just sloppy joe mix put in a tortilla shell, we had them and I thought I would be creative.  Two was my limit and they weren’t bad.  I had the left overs tonight so none of the meat would go bad.  I am out of most everything and just couldn’t get myself to go to the store today.  When I get back I will have to go or there won’t be anything to eat. 

I went out for breakfast today.  Cracker Barrel.  Saw the handsome host that I have a crush on.  I got a table right away, but they were packed.  I guess it was just good luck on my part.  I ordered something different than my usual this time.  It was good, not as filling and way cheap.  I got out of there for $10 and that included a tip.  Never ever have I left Cracker Barrel for $10.  Then it was a trip to the drug store for more thank you notes, gum and mucinex.  I bought some off brand last week at Target and it’s only 400mg and I am used to 600mg.  I can tell the difference and I don’t like it so I fixed it.  Then it was a trip to the pet store where I dropped $94.  I got food plus 2 calming diffusers to hopefully sooth the furry guys and gals while I am gone.  So hopefully I don’t come home to a house that has been sprayed with cat pee.  Plus I know they will be scared.

The one thing about this whole experience is that I find myself telling more and more people that I lost my partner.  Yeah I’m telling the world I am gay and haven’t even given it a second thought.  Feels kind of good.  Some people have said oh where is your father.  I say he wasn’t my father he was my partner.  I get all sort of mixed reactions.  He was certainly old enough to be my father.  The people at Cracker Barrel didn’t even notice.  One lady at the grocery store will notice and that is why I am having such a hard time in going back there, plus it will just make me think of him.

This morning I fell asleep in his bed again.  I talked to him, even though the Bible says not to communicate with the dead.  I’m not looking for trouble but have to babble to him now and then just to clear my chest.  I know he can’t hear me, it’s about the same as me talking to the wall.  I don’t expect a response nor do I ask for one. 

My friend yesterday gave me a card of a clergy man who knows that I lost my life partner and I was told I could call him if need be.  I think I will but not now, I am going out of town and this just isn’t the right time.  Plus he isn’t exactly around the corner from me, I would have to drive a bit to get to him.  While I don’t want to get up early on Sunday’s I am seriously entertaining the possibility of going back to church, provided I find a place that is right for me.  I am used to Assembly of God or Pentecostal services.  However, I don’t know that any of the church going people will accept me for who I am.  I am not looking to be converted but rather to build my relationship with Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior.  I thought about going to the local MCC church, which is a church for gay people – they don’t turn anyone away but that would be a serious drive for me.  I may go just once. 

Right now I am looking for closure to the legal and financial challenges.  Once things settle down and I get my ah umph back again I will take care of the church thing.  As for now I need rest and time, as well as closure to the L & F matters.  Then and only then will I be able to breath easier. 

This whole thing started out bad, got worse and then I’ve been on a roller coaster ride with lots of ups and downs.  I couldn’t tell you exactly where I stand right now, other than all of the bills that have to be paid are paid.  There is no danger at this moment of me being kicked out.  I have enough money to make next months mortgage payment.  As for the other bills I think I will be able to get by.  Having a cushion with life insurance money will be nice.  However, I know oh too well that money disappears very quickly.  Which is why I am keeping some on hand locally and the rest will be sent off, I will be able to get to it if need be but it will ease my temptation and make me think before I act.  I don’t plan on going crazy buying a bunch of crap that I don’t need.  I see myself living with some degree of comfort and going out to eat now and then, but most meals will be done at home or as cheaply as possible.  I will keep what I can in the way of creature comforts, i.e. phone, cable, internet, netflix, hulu, etc.  However, I also realize that I may have to make changes and get rid of his phone line as well as some of the features on my home phone.  I have to keep a copper line because of the alarm system, otherwise I would chop it in a heartbeat.  My cell phone works just fine here and honestly I don’t know many people so no worries on running up a big bill.  I’ve found that over the past week the phone has slowed down a lot.  People are just giving me space.

Speaking of which, I need to relax with the kiddos tomorrow is going to be quite a day.  I’ve got a morning conference call about a major hardware purchase, then I have to kill time until I have to leave and then you know all of the hustle and bustle of travel.  I should sleep quite well tomorrow night. 

That’s all for now, I will talk with you peeps soon.  Take care of one another.


Jude said...

You have me intrigued about getting a calming diffuser, I'll have to google that and see what it is!

I've been catching your posts on FB while you're on the road, hoping that your trip is going well for you. I know it wasn't easy for you to leave this time.

Take care!

. said...

Hey Jeremy...hang in there...I know it must be very difficult for you at this time. It will take time to heal and feel better. If I was there I'd offer you a hug!! Keep on writing!!