16 April 2013

Lonely

On any given normal night, I would be longing for silence.  Peace & Quiet is something that was very rare around here.  My guy would have been making some kind of noise around here.  Silence is all I hear.  I am so lonely and exhausted!

I keep thinking about how unfair this whole situation is.  I still feel like I needed him but perhaps I am just selfish.  God had other plans for him and I guess his mission here on earth was completed.  I always told him how much I needed him, he taught me how to drive and many other things both good and bad.  He was not only my partner but a father figure to me.

I got the health insurance information in last nights mail, telling me to watch for my new cards.  They wanted me to sign a form to authorize the deduction from the surviving spouse pension.  However, he didn’t have survivors benefits so there is no pension.  It died when he did.  So I asked about how to get them money, they provided an address and I am mailing payment tomorrow.  I need my health insurance and this is one thing that I can’t afford to have screwed up.  I will be able to keep this coverage until the day I die.  I won’t be able to add anyone, i.e. a new spouse or partner.  When I think about it, he is still taking care of me and I am so grateful.

I think about our last conversation and if I had known it was truly going to be the last time I spoke to him, I of course would have reminded him that I loved him.  I keep reflecting on how this could have all been avoided and how it’s some how my fault.  I know it’s not but it sure feels that way.

He was is and always will be the love of my life.  There will be no one else that will ever take his place.  Lord knows that I am hurting and very sad right now.  I wish that the good times would come back and I could feel happy or at least slightly upbeat instead of the emptiness and pain that I feel. 

You might think I am crying while typing this but I am not.  I am trying to get myself to cry but it just isn’t happening.

Enough with the depression.  My trip looks like it is going to take place next week.  I really don’t want to go.  The office manager said that she could get it delayed for a couple weeks if I wanted.  Yeah I want that but I also said I would go next week.  Regardless of when I go my worries would still be the same.  The kids.  They are slowly getting used to me being the only human here.  I can only imagine they will feel so afraid and out of sorts next week.  I believe I will be gone for the bulk of the week, but I will be working my ass off so that I can get back home as quickly as possible.  I need time with the kids and want to work on establishing a new routine with them. 

I am so worried about Shy Girl she is eating a little but not much.  I know that if her appetite doesn’t pickup I will have to take her to the vet and if that happens I am afraid that she won’t come home.  I can’t afford any more loss right now.  I need gain and as much of it as possible.

Work is a good thing for me but it’s hard to concentrate and I still question decisions that I make.  I know that I am totally not in the right frame of mind.  However, sooner or later you have to go back so I am glad that the initial plunge is over with.  Now everyone is trying to put the pieces together as to who died and how they were related to me.  Just extend your condolences and don’t be nosy.  I mean if I wanted everyone to know I would have taken out an ad in the newspaper or at the very least sent an office wide email. 

It’s getting late here and I need to go pass out a snack and treats to the kiddos.  I will talk with you peeps later. 

1 comment:

Jude said...

It's so easy to beat ourselves up thinking we didn't say "I love you" enough, isn't it? I think he knew how much you love him and needed him.

My heart goes out to you, I know how much you are hurting. ((((hugs))))