14 April 2013


Today was a difficult day and it feels very empty.  I got up early, knowing I didn’t have to but the kids need their food.  I wanted to watch a movie I had started on Netflix (Latter Days) but it was unavailable for streaming.  I’ve seen it before and actually own a copy on DVD.  However, I just took that as a sign to get moving.  I had breakfast, which consisted of left overs from Macaroni Grill.  Lasagna and a loaf of bread along with a cold Diet Dr. Pepper.  Nice! 

I did my blood sugar reading in advance, the numbers I have seen are really nice.  It sounds like things are well under control but then again I am no doctor.  Should know more about that in the next month.

Anyway, I called to see what time the pet food store opened and then got dressed and went to the grocery store.  I was okay until I actually arrived in the parking lot.  It was like I was going to crack and I felt it coming.  I got inside and tried to find someone hot to look at as well as scoping out what would be a good idea for supper and what I needed.  I can tell you I didn’t make healthy choices but I have enough to survive on for the week and it only cost me $77, which isn’t too bad.  No hot guys around.  I went to check out and damn if I didn’t get one of the checkers who knew me.  She said your all alone today.  I said not just today for the rest of my life, he passed away.  That took her by surprise.  I went early in the hopes I could run into another checker that we are used to seeing but she wasn’t in yet.  Perhaps our paths will cross next week.

In any case got my running done with groceries and cat food.  I promised I would be home for the day.  I kept my word except for running to those stores.  Kind of feels good.  I’ve gotten a lot of cleaning done and laundry is finally done. 

I decided not to wash the bed clothes from my guy, it was just too much.  I am going to keep his bedroom like a shrine for a while.  I have so many memories not just in that room but in every room here.  I’ve found photos of him.  It sill amazes me that I think he is coming back or will be home soon.  I feel like he is just a missing person.  Reality reminds me of the truth and I just can’t believe it’s over with.  I want to talk with him so bad, if nothing else to say goodbye and tell him again that I love him.  I had my opportunities while he was in the hospital and I used them.  I expressed my feelings and tried to choke back the tears but they came crashing out.  I know that he wouldn’t want me to be afraid, sad, scared or feel alone.  He didn’t willingly leave me, but it was his time.  I could go on but long story short until you experience the loss of a spouse/partner you have yet to experience true loss.  This is the most awful feeling.  I took photos of him when he was at the funeral home, just as a reminder to myself that he truly is gone.  I know it sounds morbid but I just look at those photos and think of all that he went through at the end, all that we have been through and I can’t help but feel all alone. 

The trash man won’t like me but he will get over it.  I have only just started and once I get going full bore I think they will need a special truck just to pick up from my house.  Feels strange saying my house instead of our house.

Shy Girl is sick.  She puked up some blood in the basement and I saw her puke by the front door.  Figures, I just cleaned the carpets yesterday and today they are already dirty again.  Cats keep this place looking it’s worst but hey, we are all comfy.  I just get stuck with cleaning up the mess.

I am nervous about tomorrow, more over how I will sleep tonight.  I’m taking a double dose of sleeping pills and doing it early so hopefully I will be zonked out all night long.  I have a feeling after I get the first day under my belt that everything else will fall into place. 

I am going to enjoy some self pleasuring, shave, take a nice relaxing shower and then plop on the couch to watch TV with the kids until it’s time for bed.  It’s something different and I think we will all have a good time, provided that I can find something interesting on. 

Thank you all for your readership, friendship, thoughts and prayers.  You all mean the world to me.  Especially Jude.  There are so many people in my life but yet there are also so few.  It’s sad to say but it’s times like these that you find out who your true friends are. 

Not sure when I will post next but know that I am probably going to be busier than I have been in a quite sometime.  Between work and then coming home and having to deal with “estate” stuff.  Paying bills and just trying to retain some sanity.  I look forward to talking with you peeps again soon.

1 comment:

Jude said...

I don't blame you for wanting to keep hubby's room as it is for awhile. I remember once I was able to go through his things I had the hardest time throwing away my late hubby's underwear, I kept feeling like when he comes home he's going to need them....even though I knew he wasn't coming back. You just need to do whatever you need to do for yourself right now my friend.

I hope Shy Girl is feeling better soon, poor thing.

I'm hoping that all goes well back at work for you, it will be good to be busy but at the same time it will probably really feel different, as everything does right now. Take care of you!