29 April 2013

Worn Out

I am still very much exhausted and really ready to check in to a hospital for some R&R but things at work & home would pile up and then I would be just as stressed as I am now.  So it wouldn’t really accomplish anything.

Today’s mail brought nothing of use, it was all junk unless you count the one piece of adult mail that my guy got.  I trashed it all and was thankful there were no bills and no one to argue with.  However, I know those things will be coming.  What I am looking for most is money, because I need it really bad.  Insurance companies are in no hurry to pay but I wish that the big silver tuna check would get here already. 

It was back to work today and I kept myself so busy and didn’t have time to watch the clock.  I looked up and it was lunch time.  Then I looked up and it was 3 and then the next check finally time to go home.  Stressful but some what productive day.

I was asked by someone who knows the full story, if things were getting easier for me.  Uh, how about you loose your wife and I will ask you the same fucking stupid question 4 weeks after she is dead.  Of course it’s not getting better.  I was polite in my response but I was thinking to myself what a dumb question.

I am surprised that more of my friends on FB haven’t said a word to me, even though I posted that I lost my guy.  I guess people either don’t know what to say or they are more surprised by the fact I am a fag.  Either way it’s left people speechless. 

Time right now I feel is my enemy, because each day it causes my heart to mourn more and more.  I miss him more and more each day.  It gets harder to function.  I really need a support group or some place where I can just let this all out.  I am still waiting on a clergy member to contact me, but am not holding my breath. 

Today the Bankruptcy attorney told me that he was going to notify the court that my guy passed away. He wanted to know what I planned on doing with the Bankruptcy.  I told him I am waiting on the Bank to tell me about the house and then I can make that decision.  Of course I can’t pay any money until the Life Insurance comes through.  If I do this I will be getting rid of $78,694 worth of debt for $6,600, which I think is a great deal but it’s giving up money that I planned on living with.  The big question is after the dust settles am I going to be able to stay here or will I have to sell the place.  Too much is up in the air and I am looking for answers and resolution, that just isn’t there yet. 

Wow I just realized that Saturday will be the one month mark since this all started.  I will be at the dentist in the morning not sure what the rest of the day holds.  I don’t think I will want to be alone but probably will be. 

My guy used to say there is nothing more lonely then a sad old fag who has no one to spend his life with.  Yeah, looks like that is me, at least for now.  There are times I enjoy being alone but more often than not I just want him back.  I still wish I would have done things differently and saw all of those signs.

I need for this pain to leave me and for my heart to heal.  I am putting up a brave front but when I am alone that just seems to be the worst time. 

Last night I notified a local college student that my guy  corresponded with and I expected a reaction but got nothing.  This guy wanted to meet us and we were supposed to be getting together for dinner, blah, blah.  Yeah, never happened.  It’s sad that you find out who cares for you and who doesn’t in a time like this.

I did get a sympathy card from my guys dentist over the weekend.  That was nice.  Well, the evening is growing late and I had to make a choice blog or jerk it.  Obviously you know my decision.  Now it’s time to prep for Tuesday and hope that it’s a good night. 

Talk with you peeps later.

1 comment:

Jude said...

You hang in there my friend, the one month mark I remember was when I was at my lowest point too. The person who asked if it was getting easier yet most likely meant well, but it is impossible to understand what this loss feels like unless they experience it themselves. And yes, a lot of people just don't know what to say, so they remain silent. :-(