Good Morning! Thanks for your visit. It’s another cold day out here and temps are only set to go lower as we get into the weekend. Lots of wind to follow along with another burst of snow. Not exactly short sleeve weather.
Yesterday after my post I got curious and went on a quest for information about the guy that I know that passed away. Turns out he had Breast Cancer. Men can get it, just that it’s not highly talked about. He had a mastectomy and under went radiation and I think some chemo at first. Everything came back clean after his course of treatment and his doctors told him it was gone and he would be fine. This started back in 2017. He retired from work. Roughly about 11 months later he had a pain in his neck and that’s when it was discovered that his cancer had metastasized and was in his bones. He was a stage 4 patient at this point. Which means it’s terminal. However, he would go on to take lots of drugs to try to slow things down. He had a brain tumor that affected his vision, which they were able to blast away without surgery to restore his vision. The drugs slowed him down and caused all sorts of side effects. He was deep rooted in his faith and just kept his focus on God or so what I found appears to be the case.
He did lots of travel both for vacation and to volunteer as a missionary to help people who were impacted by natural disasters. He mentored at a youth camp and loved to talk about God to others. By all accounts I know he had times of difficulty but he pressed on through it all.
Learning this and following the journey he chronicled made it come alive to me and the more I read the more my heart broke. It felt like we were having a normal conversation as we did in times past many years ago. He was still very much the same person. Just that we never talked about God or religion. He went through quite a lot in terms of treating the cancer. It was an all out war on his body. Drugs would start to work and then stop. He tried experimental stuff as well as some of the latest drugs that were on the market. He worked with one of the larger #1 hospitals in our area. From what I read it sounds to me like he went through what started out as a slow death that ramped up as time progressed, it sounded to be an agonizing death. He had much to live for with his wife, kids and grandkids as well as the church. I supposed it’s good that he had some quality of life and was able to travel and do other things he enjoyed before things turned uglier. He had several good but painful years.
What hurt me was that he had the opportunity to reconnect with me when I called to tell him about my spouses passing and he chose not to. He could have shared his struggle with me but didn’t. I think largely because of his wife and the fact that the friendship had been over for years. Still I thought enough of him to call him to tell him, despite no outreach from him. He knew about it already because he saw the obit in the paper. They did nothing for me in my time of need and there was no visitation or funeral for my spouse, which at the time was due to cost. I was barely able to rub two pennies together back then, my finances were drastically different from what they are today.
Knowing what I do now further ways on me and I am so confused as to what my next move should be. I know I said I’m doing nothing. However, I have started to reconsider. I could easily make the visitation and funeral both. The bigger question is would I really be welcome and what reaction I would get. Grief is something that everyone processes differently and factoring that in I could be fine or this could turn slightly ugly and I could be asked to leave. While I have every reason to think it would be a non event and that I would be welcome if I showed up, it would be foolish of me to not factor in the possibility of what could occur. My end goal is to avoid at all costs is being hurt more than I already have been.
While I think staying away is my best option to avoid that, the Catholic guilt has set in and I feel an obligation to do something. I keep waking up in the middle of the night thinking about him and times past when things were much better. I feel that my late spouse would want me to do something and not just sit by. I have no ulterior motives other than to express my sympathies and pay my respects. Time is ticking away in that the visitation is on Friday evening and the funeral is Saturday. Sitting by doing nothing just doesn’t feel right but still might be my best option. I can say with much certainty that if I did show up I am the last person that she would expect or anticipate to see.
I want the guilt to go away and I want to stop waking up in the middle of the night. I want the feeling like something is wrong to go away. Just because people end a friendship with me doesn’t mean mentally I am able to cut those strings but yet physically I can stop seeing someone and eventually they fade away until something like this happens and that’s when they resurface in my mind.
In one way I am glad that I know he passed but in many other ways I wish I hadn’t found out at all. One thing is for sure if there is a heaven he and my spouse are chatting it up and having a good time, something that no one can stop now. Realizing that puts a smile on my face.
Guilt is a horrible thing along with death and putting them both together causes quite the struggle for me. I know this too shall pass but the question is at what cost to me or impact will it have overall on me. I hope he is resting in peace and I wish no ill towards his wife. I know full well the journey she is on and how painful it is to go on after the love of your life dies. It’s a journey that I wish on no one.
I know this isn’t the most lively of posts and for that I apologize but I had to get this out of my system. I feel slightly better posting it but it’s still weighing on me. Having someone to talk this out with would probably also help and I don’t want to thrust this on the few people I know I am considering calling at least one of them.
Stay warm and best wishes for a great day ahead. Talk with you all again soon!
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