We had a rough night. Momma I think may have had a heart attack. Clearly something went wrong with her. She was meowing and twitching. I listened to her with a stethoscope and what I heard didn’t sound good to me but her heart was obviously still beating. She has problems walking that could be from her heart problem or it could be metabolic. She had issues going to the bathroom. She made it to a pee pad and went but that took a lot out of her. I guess she had more business to do and decided to climb in the litter box but she just laid down and was panting. I picked her up and we went to the kitchen to calm down a bit. I gave her some fluids. Offered her baby food but she didn’t want to eat. She wanted down so I placed her on the floor she tried to walk towards the water fountain and fell into a plate of food so she was covered in gravy. I cleaned her up the best I could but that was kind of heart breaking. She then went to the other litter box and was stressed out, she again laid down.
I got her back to my room and she was in bed. She wanted up but couldn’t make her way out of bed. I helped her and that did the trick. She drank some water.
This morning I woke up and couldn’t believe that she was still alive. She was soaking wet. Apparently she went to get up but didn’t have the strength to get out of bed onto the floor and she wet her self. I told her once again this was the end but she disagreed with me. I got her dried off. Offered her some baby food but she wants nothing to do with it. Her breath smells like her butt and typically that is what happens when a cat is fixing to die.
She curled up in a ball in my room and I thought leaving would some how help the situation along. I went to breakfast and passed time. I came back and she was in bed, again still with us. I’ve done my usual Sunday running. Even had a nap.
Gator & Marvin are up my ass craving attention. I think they know all about Momma and they are trying to provide a distraction. It worked for a bit but quickly got on my nerves. I love them but needless to say Momma is getting all of the attention right now, and for good reason.
So here we are 3 in the afternoon. I want to take her to the vet. I know it’s the right thing to do but I feel like I am breaking my promise and giving up on her. We had a talk more for my benefit and since it was a one way conversation I decided that she would take her heart pill but we would stop Lasix for now. She would get some fluid. I tried again to get her to eat but I honestly think her body is shutting down and her appetite isn’t coming back. She is sleeping in my room breathing shallow but she is conscious. I’m giving her time because that is all I have left to give. I can’t leave her in this state as in going to work or for that matter leaving the house for any reason, unless she is coming with me.
This has been another exhausting hell on earth weekend. It’s like I said at breakfast I will be better once this is over with. I need for her to die so we can all move past this. I don’t want her to die because I love her but it’s where we are and if I don’t wind up taking her in, I think Mother Nature has me on notice that it’s coming it might be a couple days but it’s coming.
If I can get her to perk up a little bit and even eat a dabble I am willing to keep on going and hold out some random strain of hope. However, realistically I know that she is dying it’s just a question of when. It’s been a short but very long road and battle. She has done really good given her situation but I think her condition is rapidly catching up with her and regardless of what I do or say, her time is near.
Maybe I am weak, maybe I am a coward or maybe I just don’t want to face this at all. However I can’t move myself to get her to the vet. I keep on yelling and screaming at myself. The alarms and alerts are going off but yet I am stuck on a crash course and I think finding her dead will be more soul crushing that if I can get the strength together to have her life humanely extinguished.
I love all my animals but each time I travel the death journey I want to go with them. I am so tired of all of the suffering. My life has been put on hold, only because I am putting it on hold. Love evokes a lot of emotions and I suppose paralysis is one of them. At least in this case.
I keep telling her how much I love her because I just can’t say it enough. I feel like I am stuck in a bad dream and can’t wake up. The thought of not checking on her on camera, wondering what to plan for supper and in general not coming home to her is beyond sad. Even though she was either in pain or wanted something, I loved hearing her meows last night and today. I love that little voice of hers. In her older age she has gotten quiet unless he needs to be heard and then she knows how to meow. I did the math and in human years she is around 73 years old. That’s a really good life for a cat. Pardon me for being jealous and wanting her to live longer like until she is 80. I know that is unreasonable and even if I had all of the money in the world that is unrealistic. I might be able to buy a month or maybe two at best but certainly nothing beyond that.
Saying goodbye is not my strong suite. Death is something that I have always struggled with and will forever struggle with. I want this over with but at the same time I want to keep fighting. I know that is a concordatory sentence. But I think you understand.
My sweet momma no greater girl for me on this earth than her. I actually have had thoughts where I thought she was my grandma reincarnated. That’s probably not true but if it is, wow she has gotten quite the eye full. Kind of embarrassing. However, she is just as sweet as my late grandmother was and I love her just as much, it’s a different kind of love but it’s still love. She is now and forever will be my momma. Imaging life without her is very painful. I kind of feel like if I keep on flogging her and we keep on going that eventually I am going to snap and have a mental breakdown. So as much as I don’t want it to be, I need it to be over and done with. Then the healing can begin. It will certainly be a raw, open and very exposed wound. I will cry my eyes out for a couple days maybe longer and eventually my tears will dry. But as long as this is still going on my life and I will be a fucking mess.
I’ve looked ahead to tomorrow and there isn’t much going on. I’d love to go back to work but don’t know that mentally I can handle it. I’m taking slow steps towards tomorrow. What happens today will determine the outcome of tomorrow. I can’t say this in plain English loud enough but I need a vacation.
I’ll keep you updated as I can. Right now I need to get busy with some other chores. I pray that whatever decisions I make will be the right ones. Momma doesn’t appear to be in pain or distress now, just sleepy. I’m good with sleepy because I kind of feel that way myself, despite the fact that I can’t sleep. The only blessing here is that the vet is 24/7 and I can make a decision to go in now or several hours from now. Doesn’t mean they won’t try to exploit that as an emergency visit but I’m told they won’t.
Thank you for being there and for reading this. I haven’t got a lot of people to talk to. Here’s hoping for better days.
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