Momma is still with me and hanging on. She had a rough Friday night, just like last weekend. Open mouth breathing and I thought for sure we were at the end again. I figured that I would wake up and either she would be gone or I was 1/2 way planning on taking her in. She wanted me and actually fell asleep or was resting on my chest as I held her. I didn’t want to let go but eventually I started the head bobbing and it was way past my best time. I didn’t sleep the best, got a couple hours and then woke up. Had to check on her and that of course roused everyone so we had to pass out some food.
When I woke up this morning she was calm, you could see the effects of the Lasix I gave her and she is tired. I had problems finding her because she wasn’t in her bed and not in the kitchen. I thought for sure she would have crawled off under one of the couches but nope she was in the original bed I bought for her that Insty now sleeps in. Phew.
The little girl is tired and her body is telling her that her time is limited. You can see the concern in her face. I kind of feel like she might be asking me to help the process along but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I have the same conflict that I had last weekend. She appears reasonably okay at the moment. Perhaps if it was a bit more obvious then I wouldn’t have a problem. I’ve asked God to take her, I’ve told her it’s okay to leave. I’ve said goodbye to her several times. Thinking about it makes me tear up.
It’s like I have this large open and infected wound that is trying to heal but the scab keeps getting ripped off of it and salt poured on it. I feel much like I am living parts of last weekend out again. It’s a very rough ride. I think once things come to a close (regardless of how she passes) that only then will the healing begin and I will be off the emotional roller coaster. I’ve got two more rides on that motherfucker and I don’t look forward to either of them.
I had some yogurt and mini muffins for breakfast. Washed it all down with a bottle of water. Watched a little TV and then went back to bed. Were all worn out. I again didn’t sleep that well and I think/hope that will resolve once she passes. Finally around 2:30p I got dressed and left the house. I said an emotional goodbye to momma just in case she didn’t make it while I was gone. I grabbed the mail and then headed to Red Lobster. The drive was nice, the sun was out but it was still cold. I thought about her as well as previous times I took the same trip with my late spouse. I want to rewind life back to the good times.
There was a hell of a nice looking young man that greeted me when I walked in the door. He had a great body and of course a nice ass. I so wanted him but just looked, as per usual even though I wanted so badly to touch. That was a nice distraction from this emotional hell I am in.
Once I got seated and looked over the menu, I ordered my usual. Then fired up the camera at home. Momma saw it and she was smiling at me. As if she knew her daddy was watching her. That camera has been so helpful to me. Like her it’s old, no longer updated and unfortunately has serious security flaws. Yet I still keep it going because, why not. Since I knew she was okay I was able to enjoy my meal.
I hit up the cat food store before I finally returned to home. Since they are all so picky I never know exactly what to buy. I like to get stuff that I think they will eat and have shown a previous interest in. The major item being gravy based food. I dropped $51 this weekend. Consider that I just grabbed a few cans at the store last weekend it sounds bad but really isn’t in my eyes. I will pay whatever it costs so long as they eat it.
As we near to Monday morning I think I will likely have a real problem leaving her but to get a change of scenery and better focus on work, I know it’s the right thing to do. Unless she is in obvious distress in which case who cares about work. Momma comes first she is my family.
I hope that we all have a better evening and that calm & relaxed are the theme of the evening, instead of worry, sadness and stress.
When I came home from being out she was sitting in the living room/kitchen just looking at me. That was a nice site to see. I know the days of her welcoming me at the door are pretty well gone. I no longer look for her face in the window, that was the highlight of every day when it happened and it brought me such happiness. Anyway, I opened a can of Tuna & Egg one of her favorites and she worked on it with some help from Marv. She managed to sneak away while I was watching TV and then came back out. She wanted attention and I picked her up carefully and placed her on the arm of the couch. She got her ass on top of my arm, as per usual. Then she just drifted off to sleep. I didn’t want to move and I took times where I would put the TV on pause and just stare at her. So many thoughts. She was peaceful and I noticed that her breathing was slowing but she was doing a little bit of open mouth breathing. I was wondering if she was slowly passing but nope, just napping. It was stressful for her when I had to place her back on the floor.
I came downstairs to do a load of laundry. I was standing right in front of the machine when it stopped and there is in fact no signal emitted to indicate the wash is done. I’m going to call on that next week but doubt there is anything that can/will be done about it.
My income taxes are filed. I’m waiting for my federal refund before I pay my state as per usual. I’m told to anticipate my refund in about 3 weeks. That is some quick turn around. Everything being done electronic, but I still print out paper copies in addition to storing the electronic copies. So that’s one less thing I have to worry about, at least for now.
I was able to do most of my chores yesterday so that I could maximize my relaxation on Saturday and spend time with Momma. Dishes and Laundry were the main two things. I even got my bed clothes washed, nothing like a freshly made bed. I thought for sure that would help with my sleeping but nope, nothing doing!
I’m headed up in a bit to be with her and the others. Eventually I will call it a day and we will drift off. Tomorrow I need to hit up the grocery store and vacuum. It’s Super Bowl Sunday but that doesn’t matter to me at all. I don’t want her to die on me but this is a no win situation where I can’t rescue her or protect her. I only wish I had a little more courage to be able to help her on her way. I’ve never ever felt this way (conflicted) about a pet before, she is truly special to me and while I think that bounce back will be quick, I won’t be terribly surprised if it doesn’t happen like that. I will still have her 2 beautiful kids but it won’t be the same with out momma, she is what made this house a home for me. I cherish all of them and it will likely be just as hard when Marv or Gator’s times come. I just hope that we only have to suffer 1 death this year and that no one follows her. My family is fading before my eyes and it’s like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. Sometimes one door has to close before another one opens. I just want to go back to normal or some sense of it.
Thanks for stopping by. I wish I had better news and was more up beat but this is my life at the moment. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows. I do hope your world is much better. If your into the Super Bowl, I hope that your team wins. Cheers for now.
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