14 May 2017

Finally Did It

This has been the week from hell.  I am glad that it’s over but I wonder if this is going to be a common theme or if this is just a short theme for the next few weeks.  It’s extra stressful and I am on fire, awake and in the moment amped up all day long.  I walk into the house and I am ready to drop.  The days and nights go by so fast.  I don’t want to wake up when the alarm goes off it’s far too early.  I don’t want to go back to stress but yet I do because it’s how I make my money.  I have so much to digest and get my arms around that it’s unfathomable.  My departing co-worker did the job of 3 people and they are taking most of her work and transferring it to me.  She had time to ramp up, it was a slow progression and not like me where they are going to say okay giddy up boy.  I have no time to ramp up I have to hit the ground running and hope the hell I know what I am doing.  She remembered to do all of these various tasks it was like second nature to her but for me it will be anything but second nature.  I am only one person and can only do so much.  I mean even a toilet can only serve one asshole at a time.  So we shall see what happens.  It’s sink, swim or float.  I can tell you that along the way something is going to fall through the cracks, at least that is the way it feels. 

Yesterday I went in for a few hours.  I timed my visit with dinner and was meeting a friend.  I managed to finally rearrange my desk.  I found out the hard way that I couldn’t move the file cabinets due to height restrictions in my cube.  That sucked but I know where everything is at, it’s just not in the spot I want it to be.  I am not 100% committed to the new arrangement but I am going to try it and see how it works.  If I don’t like it I can always change back.  I also had time to finish all of my new hires so that helped out a bunch.  There were other things that I wanted to organize but ran out of time, as I figured would happen.  I am always time and money poor. 

Went to Maggiano’s and met my friend.  Saw a couple guys there that I would love if they sat on my face.  I’m just saying they were good looking.  My friend bought a new car.  He went to leave the dealership and they couldn’t find his keys.  Huh?  Yeah I am not kidding you, so they put him in a loaner vehicle so he could get to dinner.  They will square up on Monday.  I sure hope they find the keys.  That’s messed up, sounds like an omen to me.  Then again I am reading into it.  Anyway this is the same guy who lost his wife earlier this year.  He shows me a photo of a woman and asks me how old I think she is.  I said maybe 65.  That’s when the story began.  His step daughter set him up, they talked by phone and it sounded like a good fit.  So they went out right away, then back to her place and of course things got hot and heavy.  They screwed their brains out.  Okay so I guess he got it out of his system.  He saw her again and they went at it again.  Then she tells him that she has something to tell him, he’s not going to want to see her after she mentions it.  I’m figuring she is about to tell him she’s got crabs or something like that.  Nope she drops this huge fucking bomb out of no where and tells him that she is 80 years old.  She doesn’t look it by the photo I saw and he’s seen her with her clothes off and said that she has the body of a much younger woman.  Of course they got into an argument.  He was up front and honest with her but when he asked her how old she was before all of this she said a few years older than you.  He’s 62 come on a few years, more like way older than him.  He was hurt and they did part ways. 

I was really surprised that he actually had sex with a woman, his wife has only been gone for 4 months.  He is moving way too fast, just my opinion.  I think he is going to crash and burn.  It’s been 4 years for me and I have yet to have sex, let alone find a friend.  Perhaps were both doing it wrong but I’d like to think I have the saner approach.  It’s lonely, frustrating and very depressing.  However, I’m still standing.  There are days that I think I am going to crash and burn.  So who knows. 

On the Bear front.  He’s going to the bathroom on his own but it takes days on end.  It’s not right but he seems no worse for the wear.  He knows that I am worried about him and that I care about what happens.  I think he is scared but like every other challenge in his life he is facing this head on and trying his very best to make it through another hurdle.  I won’t let him go past 2 days, if we get to that point then it’s enema time.  I’ve threatened him last week but he’s always made it before the deadline.  Now that were in the weekend, there has been no movement so I am worried.  I saw him urinating this morning.  I got a sample the PH is okay but it was just dribbling out, sort of like he is trying to block.  I fed him more prescription food so hopefully that will clear things up.  I need him to be flowing steady and smooth each and every day.  Not sure what is going on with his body but I am certain that if I dug I could find a root cause.  The bigger question is would it be worth the money and would it just hasten the inevitable?  I think so, which is why were not doing that.  I am enjoying the time that we have together and I make sure to tell him everyday that I love him, I do that with all of them.  You never know when one of us is going to check out.  While I don’t want to experience death times 5 I realize that it’s a real and probable possibility.  While it’s temping to check out early I am sticking around solely to fulfill my obligation to them, no one and I mean no one can take the very best care of them the way I would.  This is another duty that I was entrusted with and I plan on fulfilling it.  Once it’s done I may move or hell I may just call it quits and check out. 

I think that it would be great to sell this place, take a bunch of money and relocate to a new part of the world, start life over as stressful and complicated as it would be, it might be the very best thing for me.  I think my odds of meeting my next guy would increase and that it would be more likely to happen.  Right now given what is going on at work I am thankful that I haven’t found someone, because I wouldn’t be able to show them the proper attention they deserve.  I barley have time for the cats and myself.  I know this all too shall pass, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and so the sayings go. 

I am ramped up for the week ahead.  Went out and got some stress vitamins, so hopefully they help.  Had my massage last week and my back is a train wreck, no surprise.  It’s where all of my tension goes.  Try as I might I just can’t get rid of it on my own, but wish I could. 

Tomorrow is payday but the money hit the bank early so I have paid my bills.  I have $100 to live on for two more weeks and then we get to do it all over again.  I could have more in the bank and be deeper in debt but I pride myself on paying my credit cards off each month, regardless of the balance.  That is the only way to use a credit card.  Get all of the reward dollars or incentives they offer but never, ever give them one penny in interest.  I sleep better at night knowing that my cards are paid off.  Of course there is still a house and car to pay for but those are two items and expenses that will always be present for the foreseeable future. 

As for the car, I am still working on trying to get a settlement for all of the shit I have been through.  I may have to file suit on my own in order to get the manufactures attention.  They seem receptive to settle this but yet their actions are confusing at best.  If I am successful in getting a settlement, my plans are to bank the bulk of the money.  I will of course spend some on myself and get useless things that I really don’t need but want.  However, at the end of the day I need more money in the bank because if a disaster strikes right now I am fucked and not in a good way.  Let’s just hope evil and disaster stay away from me for a very long time. 

Having pizza for dinner, typical Sunday meal for me.  I have Maggiano's Lasagna for Monday.  I could have it now but sounds more like a better meal to come home to after a hard days work.  I am sure Monday will have it’s own unique challenges for me. 

I leave you with this.  As I travel to and from work each and every day I see someone who has managed to run out of gas.  Stranded on the side of the road.  I keep asking myself, how in the world can you run out of gas?  I mean there is a gauge in the car, it might not bee 100% on the money but it’s a good indication of when it’s time to pull into a gas station.  As I went into work my low fuel light came on.  I was conscious of the fact I was low on fuel long before the light came on.  When it does come on I have 50 miles before the car is empty.  I ran it to 30 miles and then called it quits and filled up.  I guess if your looking to empty out your tank and go a little too far overboard that is how you run out of gas.  It’s the only explanation outside of I just get in and drive until it decides to stop. 

Here’s to what I hope is a great week ahead for all of us.  May there be more laughter than sorrow or stress.  May the days be short and the nights long  May the sunshine brightly and may we all get the rest that we need.  Can I get an Amen?   

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