28 April 2015


I suppose the title of the post gives away what I did today.  I had some trouble sleeping last night and when I did get back to sleep I had some awful dreams.  While I didn’t want to spend the day at home, I knew that I didn’t want to spend the day at work either.  Call it a mental health day.  I just sat around watched TV and napped.  It was relaxing but it also felt a bit like a prison.  I feel a bit embarrassed and a bit like I am losing my mind. 

I had so much to look forward to today, lunch with friends and an afternoon meeting – it could have been a great day had I given in and gone.  We have had fluctuating temperatures and I feel a sinus infection coming on.  That combined with my mental state and I thought staying home for a day would be helpful. 

Tomorrow is back to normal, work is building and I have a new person starting on Thursday that I have to have ready to go.  Besides that work does help take my mind off things, if only for a moment or two. 

Thinking about what I have been through I would characterize it in saying I feel like I have had an appendage removed.  I’m speaking of my late partner.  After all, he was there with me for 20 plus years and the only thing that I have known.  Life was so much of a home run that I didn’t realize it.  I had my moments and thought things were bad but I never thought they could and would get worse.  Losing someone you care about is never easy.  When it’s a spouse it’s different, at least for me it is. 

I realize that I can let this consume me or I can turn things around and move on.  I am proud of all of my accomplishments from standing up to a Union that wanted to deny me benefits to writing a book and the whole mortgage debacle.  I know it’s a fact that I have moved forward and made great strides.  Right now I don’t feel like there is anything to fight for or more so that I have too much idle time on my hands.  I have had more thoughts of ending my life and I keep telling myself but if you do that, you will never know what could have been.  The song the best is yet to come, might very well apply in this situation.  I am just tired of the waiting and wondering.  I’m ready or so I think to find a guy and just jump in head first – see where things go.  I don’t want to go through a pool of guys to find the one, but I realize that is probably the way it’s going to be.  I don’t know that I can take anymore emotional damage to my heart.

Right now I am kind of a hot mess.  All I can say is pray for me, I can use all of the prayer that can come my way.

In other news last night brought me not 1 but 2 checks in the mail.  I got my income tax refund from the amended return.  I crunched the numbers and it came out right on top accurate to what I figured.  Not sure why I thought I was getting less but I am happy to have it.  The second check was for the AC repairs.  I didn’t think they were going to give me my money so I filed a dispute of the charges.  I don’t think that process can be stopped at this point, but I did send a note last night asking that it be dropped as they refunded the money via check.  I wasted a bunch of time and was going to return the check but I thought hey, why do that it’s just easier to take the money and pay the bill – be done. 

Having the tax money is nice, I am going to look for a new pair of tennis shoes this weekend.  I’m looking for something all black and comfortable that I can pass off at work and no one will ever know.  Other people do it, so I figure why not me.  I realize I should just schedule a visit with a foot doctor but I keep holding on to hope that I can fix this on my own.  Yesterday my foot felt better than it had in 3 years.  Today well it hurts but not as bad.

I checked my sugar levels last night and found they have dropped to more of a normal range.  I suspect that my breakfast on Sunday is what contributed to the out of control spiral.  I won’t be doing that again anytime soon.  It’s tough kicking the sweet tooth but I am trying to stay away from sugar as much as possible.  It is my enemy even though it tastes so good, it is so bad.  I used some of my idle time yesterday to research Diabetes and the complications associated with it.  They are not pretty and nothing that I want.  Right now I have two risk factors for having a stroke – 1 being that I am Diabetic and 2 being that I am overweight.  The thought of having a stroke and being away from the kids much less how to pay the bills hits home.  I know first hand that your life can change in a split second.  Granted I am young and the likelihood of that happening is probably 1 in a million but why take the chance.  Why not lose the weight or at the very least cut back on the sweets.  It only benefits me in the end. 

Right now I have 6 reasons to live and they are all cats.  So I am working, living, breathing and pushing forward for them.  It might not be the greatest reason but at least it’s there. 

So there you have it a recap of my day.  Looking forward to watching Tosh.O tonight and seeing someone microwave a glow stick.  I can already tell you it doesn’t turn out pretty but it looks pretty damn funny.  Plus I am still on my Glee marathon.  I realized that I got in on it pretty early like 1/2 way into the first season.  It’s interesting to re-watch and to listen to some good music.  The music helps me in so many ways.  Now if I could just pull off the dance moves like those kids man I think I would be all set.  Someone could pay me to shake my money maker.  Instead I use my brain and not my body to earn my living.  Ah well, that is true for most people. 

Off to scour the net, empty cat liter boxes, pass out treats, watch TV and eventually fall asleep.  Then back at it tomorrow.  Department staff meeting tomorrow so I know I will be a little stressed but thankfully the massage lady will be there on Thursday.  Yet another reason to go to work, so that I don’t miss the sign up sheet. 

I hope that your all doing reasonably well and that life is treating you good.  Hard to believe that this year is almost to the 1/2 way mark.  Time seems to go slowly in the winter but once you break into spring and summer it just sails by only to be surrounded once again by winter. 

1 comment:

Jude said...

I know what it is like to be addicted to sugar, I also have a sweet tooth.

And you have my prayers. Have a good week!