Howdy and Happy Valentine’s Day. As you might well imagine I’m not a huge fan of V-Day since I am lonely and single. However, I would love to eat some candy but I don’t have any. If you have someone in your life make sure they know how much you love them, as anyone one of us can drop off the face of the earth without any warning. Better for you to express your feelings than for people to wonder or speculate.
Last night I broke out the casserole and then went back and watched some TV while it cooked. 25 minutes to make in the microwave, a little over an hour if you go by the oven method. I can see where baked would be better but who in the world has time for things to bake? That’s almost as bad as preparing a meal on your own. I’m all about eating as quickly with little effort as possible and that my friends combined with the fact that I am sedentary most of the time is why I am fat. Don’t ask me why but I broke out the hot sauce and of course I wanted a little but got a lot out of the bottle. It sure did add some spice and made my mouth light up. I’ve got the second ½ for tonight and I don’t know that the hot sauce will accompany it.
I was overly tired yesterday no matter what I did I just couldn’t seem to bounce back. I was even nodding off after supper. I gave up my plans to go in today and honestly, I don’t know that I will make it out of the house this week. That’s subject to change but not likely.
Last night the loss of my Gator hit me again and it was overwhelming. I know that I’ve got two cats now but it’s not the same as what I had (nor will it ever be). She has only been gone for 2 months. I went 1 month without a cat and have had these two for 1 month. I just can’t believe what a turn things took and how fast it moved. I have never grieved the loss of a cat like this. Normally 1 to 2 days tops and I am done and good to go. Sure I might get sad here and there but it’s kind of like a brief fall where you get up, dust yourself off and all is well. Last night wasn’t like that. The feelings built up to the point where I broke down. The thoughts of checking out of this life surfaced again and I wasn’t exactly in the brightest of places or the best of moods. I want the pain to stop, I want to feel better and be as reasonably happy as I can. I do care about the 2 cats I have now and they keep me busy and do provide some entertainment. Honestly, I got them way too soon I should have allowed more space and time, then maybe I’d feel better today. They did help cheer me up once they landed here after a couple days. Coming home or waking up and seeing their faces is enough to do it for me. Gator’s passing marked the end not only to her life but the life I had, the end of an era and so it’s more than losing a cat. I don’t know if this is something that I will recover from but I am still optimistic about it. I miss all of the cats I’ve lost, the pain of their loss isn’t something that is still fresh and that I can palpate or feel like I can with Gator. It’s so not normal considering how much time has gone by but like I said a moment ago, it’s more than losing a cat.
I pondering about posting today and really kind of wanted to skip it since I don’t have anything neutral or positive to say. I feel like I am just existing today, I don’t really have much of any feeling at the moment. It doesn’t help that it’s a gloomy, cold and rainy day. Getting out might change my mood or do me some good but getting the motivation up for that is a whole different task.
Here’s hoping that if not tonight that by tomorrow morning I feel better or at least closer to normal. I’m sure that social media will be filled with all sorts of V-Day love and romance. I suffer from FOMO and want to know what’s going on but honestly it wouldn’t kill me to skip a couple days. I mean I did it when Gator passed just because it wasn’t top of mind. I really got the nagging notifications then that wanted to lure me back in. Apparently the apps aren’t happy if you don’t use them.
At any rate I hope that you’re having a better day than me and that all is well in your life. I’ll talk with you again soon!
2 comments:
hugs to you. Yes the sorrow of your loss is very real and has no schedule as to when it is going to appear. You are moving on... and its not always in a straight line as you are fully aware of. Take care and recognizing that the grief is real and that you are taking it one step at a time is positive.
Thanks Kent!
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