Frustrated

Last night was a good night.  Momma had a nice feast, drank some water, spent some time with me and appeared generally okay.  She laid down on the couch next to Gator and I took a photo of the two of them sleeping together.  I couldn’t help but think that this could be one of the last photos that I get of the two of them resting together. 

This morning I passed out food and everyone ate, I gave momma some extra food before I left and she was lapping it up.  Thankfully it didn’t summon Gator so Momma got first dibs. 

I give her Lasix to her in the morning so it has all day to work to get the fluid out of her system.  Last night you couldn’t find any.  This morning I found some on her undercarriage by her front paws.  The tiger paw is still there.  She let me inspect it last night and massage it with out any problem. 

The entire way in I thought about my little girl and what she is going through.  I don’t know if I will come home to find her alive or dead and that frankly is frightening.  I’ve thought about it enough that if she is going to pass that I would much prefer her to go to sleep and not wake up vs me having to make the decision.  I won’t like finding her but at least it would happen at home where she is comfortable in familiar surroundings.  It would also allow Marv and Gator time to hopefully process things rather than her just disappearing from the house.  There is just no good outcome for death. 

I’ve called the vet and scheduled a follow up visit for Friday which I was told is the soonest appointment.  I think I was lied to but I followed up with an email to the vet so if they can accommodate an earlier appointment I’m sure I will hear something.  Otherwise we will go back on Friday morning provided Momma can hang in there a bit longer.  Based on what I am seeing I think she will make it since she is eating & drinking.  I hope that I can get some answers and we can remedy this paw swelling.  Moreover that everything falls into place and things normalize more.  If I have to accept the fact she is dying then so be it but right now I think it all goes back to the paw swelling. 

This is so emotionally frustrating not to mention the fact that I have to continue on with my life and my job while all of this is going on.  It’s a nice diversion when I can concentrate but that is getting more difficult to do.  I so hope for a good outcome!  This isn’t the way I wanted 2020 to start out.