Friday night as I was just about home the phone rang and it was the vet. A manager phoned and read a statement from the vet. Basically, you can have you prescriptions renewed/refilled. Apology for ignoring me. Then I heard about a new policy for mail order pharmacy's. You have to have a written script. They stopped answering calls from them as of September. They said they would make an exception in my case this time and phone it in. After this I need a written script.
I stopped by and got the medicine and then headed home. I was talking about life and death, little did I know what was waiting for me as the remainder of the evening and weekend unfolded.
I gave Momma her rescue dose of medicine and then a couple hours later I noticed that her throat was swelling. Fluid was building up and that was a huge cause for concern. We went to the vet at 9:30p and got home at 11:30p. She had problems breathing so they put her on oxygen w/o my consent, but had the hutzpah to charge me for it. I had to make a choice, one out of 3.
1. Try heart medication (super expensive) but they would give me something from there donation box. Give her an IV injection of Lasix to help move the fluid. Then monitor her progress at home.
2. Hospitalize her for 24 to 48 hours. She would be in the ICU in an oxygen tent, getting IV Fluids and injections. A series of X-rays and lord knows what else they would do. The estimate on the high side was $1,500.
3. Part ways and have her put down.
I chose option # 1 and paid the bill and we came home.
This morning I awoke to find Momma completely exhausted, dehydrated and still with a high respiration rate but she was sleeping, which she wasn’t doing yesterday. The fluid pocket around her neck is gone. There is a pocket on her stomach. She still won’t eat (were on day #2). She has postured a couple times like she was getting ready to die but snapped out of it. I couldn’t bring myself to give her any medication because I didn’t want to disturb her.
She has cried out a couple times that she wanted to be in my lap. I obliged and she relaxed and fell asleep for a while. I’ve talked with her all day long and I keep telling her how much I love her and how much I am going to miss her. I reflected on some good memories over her life time and mentally relived those as I was telling the story to her.
I’ve spent the day by her side. Crying, saying goodbye, trying to prepare myself, praying as well as arguing with God. I finally left the house around 1p and went to the vet. We have the paperwork done so all I need to do is bring her in and they will take care of the rest. It appears we are at the end of the road.
The hard part is bringing her over. They are in no hurry and frankly neither am I. I am so conflicted. I’ve cried my eyes out over this. I decided to give her some fluids. Then a while later I gave her an increased dose of Lasix as well as the new heart medicine. She nibbled a small sliver of some Salmon Pate. We had our second posturing moment and that’s when I sprang into action scooping her up on a towel, throwing on my coat and I turned the alarm on. I just held her for a second and started to ball my eyes out. I headed for the door and in character for her, she started squirming and demanded to be unhanded. She wanted back on the ground, so we aborted the mission.
The vet told me that cats in particular will hang on and on and on. I told her to fight but today I told her it was okay if she needed to go, she didn’t need to fight anymore. She has been brave and been through enough. I think she understood a lot of what I was saying, or I hope so.
Everyone knows that daddy is upset and not happy. I also think they know their mom is dying. I can afford to throw away my Saturday because a normal Saturday I would have spent most of it in bed. We are in end times here, so I want to make sure I am available to her. I don’t want to short change her or give up on her, which is why I gave her fluids & her meds.
I am scared to fall asleep because I think that is when she will go but if she is still here when I wake I will be surprised. I think that unless there is marked improvement tomorrow I will likely bring and end to this nightmare. It’s not fair to her that I am a selfish bastard and want to hang on to her.
We’ve been together for 15 years and this hurts and is not easy. I’ve made this decision before and never had the conflict that I feel now. I think it’s because she is my Momma and so special to me that I just can’t seem to let go. However, I realize it’s in everyone’s best interest that I do so. I’d kind of like nature to make the choice for me but that would require her to suffer and I really don’t want that. I don’t want her to drown in her own bodily fluid from the inside. There is a much more humane way for her to check out. She’s a tough old bird and has fought a brave fight.
It’s times like this that we get the reminder how valuable life is and how it can change in the blink of an eye. But for the whole paw infection thing 3 weeks ago I think she would probably have been fine for a bit longer. I think this has been coming for a while and we have had many close calls.
I pray for comfort, strength and courage.
The other nasty thing that I found out when I got home on Friday night was the house smelled like skunk again. I think we were sprayed yet again. This happened last year but it was March/April if I remember correctly. I think this house is going to kill me.
So I hope your having a much better weekend than I am having. Thanks for stopping by. I will certainly keep you updated as I can. I may or may not need some time, presuming she passes and doesn’t improve. The cards are certainly stacked against her. Heart Disease can rob you of time, get expensive fast and become suddenly aggressive with no warning. Look at her she had months at the time of diagnosis then in just a few short days that time span was limited to weeks. I’m glad I am her human. I am frustrated that I feel conflict. Death is not now nor will it ever be an easy thing for me to cope with. I hate it mostly because there are no second chances and once your dead there is no coming back.
1 comment:
I'm so sorry. :(
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