1 Year Ago–Today-

Today is the one year mark when I said goodbye to my partner.  Surprisingly I am kind of numb today.  Most of my emotions center around getting a phone call about a job.  I am hoping to make something positive come out of what has been an all negative experience. 

Setting aside my emotions of today and thinking about a year ago.  Well it was a hard decision to remove life support.  It’s great to be trusted to have that privilege but it’s something that you never hope you will have to act upon.  I could have been a selfish person and kept him around for me, but honestly I only think that would have made things worse for both of us.  I know that if I would have done that, he would have been very mad at me. 

He was like a prophet – he said that he didn’t want a colostomy and he wound up with one.  He said that he didn’t want to be trapped in a body that didn’t function and had he survived the last stroke he would have been in that condition.  He had mobility issues as it was from the first stroke and from growing old.

Despite his health issues and what a pain the in ass he could be at times.  I still miss him.  I miss hearing his voice, the noise and racket he used to make.  I really miss his cooking, something that even he probably didn’t fathom that I would miss.  There is also the many phone calls throughout the day, especially the lunch time phone call where we would plot about what was for dinner.  It’s those little things that were a BIG part of my life.

I still love him despite the fact he is gone.  I know that he didn’t leave me willingly and that he loved me – only because he told me every single day.  It got kind of mushy and I turned a deaf ear to it but we both said the words each day.  Within the last couple months he was here on earth it started to mean something to me again.  I guess that was a wake up call from God. 

Looking back over the past year – I have managed to sue and settle with a large union to collect a death benefit.  I have managed to make his medical bills vaporize.  I am still making the bankruptcy payments and well we all know about the mortgage fiasco.  I have also unplugged and turned off a lot of unnecessary items here at home and the energy bill keeps on dropping.  While I’m only hitting the highlights there were many more things that happened within the past year.  All in all I think I have done well, given the circumstances. 

My hope for the coming year is that I do get a different and better job that pays more.  A place where I can be happy and grow.  That I can tame the mortgage monster and get the house in my name.  That I can get his bankruptcy closed out and that I am in better shape next year. 

This afternoon I am gathering with some friends to remember him and to share a meal, as well as some time together.  I will never forget him, even if I meet someone else.  My fear is that I will compare that person to him.  However, this is all unchartered territory for me so who knows what will happen.

I know that I have been through some major crap and I feel that life owes me a break.  There has been far too much bad and negativity, it’s time to turn this around and get happy!

Before I go – Big Boy checked out okay at the vet.  They drew some blood because they are afraid he might be diabetic, should know in a couple days.  I am still not ready to let go.  The vet is surprised he is alive and doing well.  She called him the miracle cat.  That he is. 

My blood work came back and I saw it on-line wow, blood sugar and cholesterol are both way out of control.  I know my doctor won’t be too happy with me but at the same time I think he will understand my circumstances.  After all he is the one who said that I am still in mourning. 

Remembering my partner – a great man who touched man lives.  May he rest in peace.