My life changed forever one year ago today. It’s the one year anniversary of the death of my Momma (cat). I can still vividly recall the looks she gave me while she was waiting to die. She hung on so very long until it was just the two of us together for one last moment and then she let go. Don’t get me wrong all of my pets that have passed have been painful but each one of them is special and as such I grieve their losses slightly different.
It’s hard to fathom that it’s already been a year, given that in mere weeks it will be a year since I have been locked away working from home. I feel like I have lost all concept of time and everyday is Blursday. Meaning one day blurs to the next and I can’t tell if were on Sunday or Friday.
My momma was a special woman and she never ever forgot that I was her savior. I’ve never had a cat worship me and be so very thankful for rescuing them. It was one kind gesture on my part but she remembered it every day there after. She also had a place to raise her family, she knew that her 2 human companions would take care of her and her children. I am fairly certain she wondered when her children would leave home and one day just gave up and realized they were all here to stay. I think she had mixed feelings about that, but I am glad that it worked out that way. I am so very proud of her and all of her children. They are and were wonderful cats.
If you would have asked me years ago before everyone and everything started dying, how my life would have played out I couldn’t have imagined how rich it would be with memories. I also wouldn’t be able to tell you how broken my heart would be or the state of utter depression that I am in. Nor how truly lonely I am. Granted the pandemic has some affect on my overall state of mind, but I wouldn’t wish the negative that has made up the majority of my life on anyone. I am fully aware that things can always be worse and for someone out there they probably are, compared to my situation.
As I sit here and type this I can’t also help but think about how very difficult it will be the day I have to part ways with Momma’s last child. She (Gator) was the third born and the one who has hung on the longest. She is aging but I don’t think she will be checking out for a while and that is exactly what I need. We (her and I) are each others world and we depend so much on the other. She needs much more from me that I do from her but she knows her part and she helps more than she knows. She also drives me more crazy than she knows. I love to watch her sleep. She gets into some very cute positions and it’s just down right funny to see her bury her face in her bed to block out the light. There is no doubt that she misses her family as much as I do.
One thing is certain, I know Momma is, was and forever will be proud of me. I did right by her and her family. Still that doesn’t ease the pain I still feel to this day. I am used to the fact that she isn’t around. I am at peace that she is no longer suffering and that I no longer have to worry about her passing or when to make “the call”. I still wish that she was here to comfort me and see the progress that I have made.
Just like she never forgot that I was her savior, I too will never forget her and while she may not roam the earth, she is forever alive in my heart as long as it continues to beat. I am so very glad and grateful that our paths crossed. It was a huge risk for me to bring her in to our home and I never ever thought I would be allowed to keep her, but the reward was in getting to see her grow and raise her family. She had a great life with us and it would be one that I would wish for if I was a cat. Each of my cats has taught me something. The lesson from Momma was take a chance, you never know how it will turn out. She had lots of houses to try to get food from for her and her kids when she was carrying them, but she chose us. We fed her, we watched for her and ultimately one day we made her ours. If our paths had never crossed just think each of us would have truly missed out on something special.
Rest In Peace Momma, I miss you and will continue to honor my promise to you. I hope that we are reunited again some day.
2 comments:
I am so sorry for you loss. I lost my cat, Victoria, over six years ago now, and it still hurts that she is gone. For sixteen years, she was my loyal companion, even when I was away at graduate school in Mississippi and she stayed in Alabama with my parents. When I would come home, she would greet me and act as if I'd never been gone. I loved her, and she loved me. Like you miss your Momma cat, I still miss my Victoria.
Hi - Just found your blog through The Closet Professor. And, read your recent entries about Gator. Then, found this wonderful In Memory for your cat Momma. Thank you for your open sharing of grief and love and life learning with regard to pets - truly our Companions. We lost our beloved Tibetan Spaniel Amber 4 weeks ago. She had been my best friend for 16 years, and was either 18 or 19, according to her adoption papers. Grieving her is hard enough, but thanks to some positive psychological work this past year, it is bringing up so much unprocessed grief from the past. I feel her spirit is very present, but I miss her physical companionship, the wise eyes, the face-washing she often gave me in the morning, taking her for walks which she loved, hanging out with me as I worked from home, and that love - the unconditional love that only comes from an animal. Humans seem to be incapable of "unconditionality", at least as a continuum. So, thank you. And, I know this time with Gator is very difficult. Sharing good thoughts, Steven in Kingston, WA.
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