Blood Results & Drama

Friday evening, I received a call with Marvin’s blood results. There was 1 elevated liver enzyme, so that is something to keep an eye on. I suspect due to his reduction in appetite that caused his liver to go wonky. I suspect that if you drew the blood today the results would be different but that’s my opinion. Otherwise, his blood work was unremarkable. Meaning everything was normal and there were no concerns. I am very surprised that his Thyroid was very well controlled and returned with a normal value. However, here’s where shit goes sideways. When you think about the weight loss that he has had the conclusion is likely due to cancer. They suspect that he has GI Lymphoma. The only way to tell 100% for sure is to do a biopsy. However, most cats that have that procedure done do not fair well. Therefore, it is not recommended. They are going to do some further research but it sounds like based on the conversation I had they will be encouraging me to put him through some chemotherapy. Why the fuck would you give that poison to an animal who you only suspect but have not confirmed has cancer? It’s precautionary. Great but that could also rob me of whatever time I have left with him. He is very much a geriatric cat and I know that he is declining and that eventually he will pass away. You can do all of the research you want to but I’m not spending my money on that. I have no objection to B12 injections and continuing his medication as is. If he truly does have cancer that will take his life and there isn’t much, I can do other than enjoy my time with him. It will also be evident because he will continue to lose weight and his health will get worse at which time, I will need to make a decision and while it sounds pretty clear cut and straightforward, I suspect it will be anything but that. So, I got what I consider to be the “GoTo diagnosis” of cancer because they can’t explain anything else to me. I am concerned about the weight loss but I am not losing sleep over it.

Marvin is doing really good. He is continuing to eat and drink. I don’t see him hiding but he has found new places to lay and that causes me to look for him. He is out in the open and I think that is very good. Today I found him laying in the sun. I couldn’t help but think of momma. It’s another nice unseasonably warm day and we have similar weather on tap for tomorrow. He is still very talkative but the howling has been reduced and he’s not doing it in the middle of the night. He does react to me getting up in the middle of the night and becomes a bit chatty but I reassure him that it’s not time to get up and then I head back to bed. He didn’t have pain medication last night and I don’t plan on starting that back up unless there are obvious signs that he needs it. I know the vet will be all too willing to sell me more when I need it. To further contribute to the good news, I worked from home yesterday and left the TV on he didn’t seem to mind it but I never heard any noise out of him. His sister on the other hand made a little bit of racket. I was able to sneak up and grab lunch without being bothered by either of them and that made me happy because things were semi falling apart at work.

Last night good old Bank of America informed me that they are closing my disputes with the vet. They said in so many words, the merchant preformed a service and they are entitled to payment. Great but never mind the fact that I didn’t authorize it and/or know about it in advance. So, I am anti-BOA right now. I am infuriated to the point where I am going to close my account. However, if it’s one thing I have learned is not to act in anger. I wrote a letter to an executive and explained the situation and how I feel they failed me and didn’t advocate enough on my behalf. They also put a remark about the dispute on my credit report which I demand they remove. I pay the bill each and every month in full so there is no reason to tell the world that I don’t agree with some charges on my account. No other bank does that. I also told them unless they can make this right and prove that they value me as a customer that they would lose me forever. I told them that I would let them choose the method of how they express my value to them but suggested that they just give me a small amount of money, which is over and above what I was disputing. Do I think they will do it? Nope but if you don’t ask you shall never receive. I am in the process of shifting all of my recurring charges that post to my BOA card to another card. I have removed the card from my wallet and don’t plan to use it again until they successfully make me happy. If that doesn’t happen and they wind up pissing me off again I will just close the account. I don’t need them, they need me. I’m a great customer in that they get all of their money each month in full. I don’t pay interest or fees and well I can see how that would be to their disadvantage and potentially make them mad at me. I guess if I was carrying a balance and drowning in debt paying tons of interest and fees, they would love me better, but that’s not going to happen. Those days have been behind me for years and I don’t plan on getting back into that type of bondage again.

As for my dispute with the vet, I put together a letter laying out my concerns and demanding at minimum my money back. I told them it would be nice to be compensated for the inconvenience and extra time I have had to spend but at the minimum I want my money back now. I hand delivered the letter and I know for a fact that come Monday the letter will be read. They will probably call me maybe not on Monday exactly but I do anticipate some form of a response very soon.

So, it’s possible but not probable that I will get more than my money back between hitting up the bank and the vet. Again, nothing ventured nothing gained. You’re not going to steam roll me there is more than one bank and one vet in the area and while it may cause some inconvenience if I have to make changes, it will show them that they decided to fuck the wrong guy.

It’s tough to repress my anger especially when it comes to BOA because they fucked me over when my spouse died. They had the mortgage to the house and you want to talk about inflexibility well there was some of it at it’s finest. Additionally, I have long harbored anger and resentment towards the vet. Because of the mickey mouse bullshit, they put us through with Bear. You will never, ever convince me otherwise that they didn’t cause damage to induce the fluid build up around his lungs in the hopes that we would just let him go rather than proving them wrong that he didn’t in fact have cancer. Well guess what we didn’t back down and he didn’t have cancer. In turn they stood to make a huge profit from all of the additional medical care that Bear required. That’s why once Marv and Gator pass away, I am done with that place forever and ever. For now, I plan on just biding my time. If I do get another pet after Marv & Gator pass way, I will find a different vet.

Now on to Saturday. You know that part of my day has been spent in anger with writing letters. But you don’t know that I went out for breakfast at Denny’s. A former kindergarten worker saw me and asked if I was in fact me, to which I responded yes. Wow it was just amazing the two of us crossing paths. I met his son who was about 20 years younger than me but a damn handsome fellow. I had a decent meal though it was a bit overpriced. I napped and went out for supper for what else but Italian food. That was a good meal and I got some nice eye candy to view as well. I wanted dessert but had no where to put it and while I could have got it to go, I decided against that. I stopped for cat food. Marv, Gator and I all watched some TV and had what I now refer to as noodle time. It’s where I place Marvin on the couch and he falls asleep and relaxes turning into a noodle, hence the name. Gator is sitting by my side meowing for attention never mind the fact that I am holding her and petting her. I think she loves to drive me nuts. She is showing some signs of senility but like her brother she is old so it’s expected. She does appear to be walking a little bit better.

Now I am working on laundry and hope to return to upstairs to spend even more time with Marv and Gator while relaxing and preparing for Sunday. My run day. Breakfast, Groceries, Gas and a haircut. I know it can all be done in one day but will I have the energy to do it all in one day, that’s a whole different kind of a question.

I hope that you are doing well. Be safe and we shall talk again soon. Take care.

The 411 on Marv

Happy to report that Marv’s appetite appears to have returned.  He is eating dry and wet food.  In fact when it was time for our appointment this morning, he buried his face in a dish of treats and was crunching away as if to say “sorry I’m busy, could you reschedule?”  Silly boy, of course not!

His teeth are in great shape, which is one of few things he has that are in great shape.  No ulcers, broken teeth and low to little tartar.  That’s the dry food working it’s magic.  His breath is still horrible.  He has lost a significant amount of weight.  He was last at the vet a year ago and weighed in at 12 pounds.  Today he is down to 7 pounds.  I’m not happy about that but old age and a thyroid problem can lead to that on top of his IBS (Irritable Bowl Syndrome). 

He doesn’t have a heart Murmur and his heart and lungs are in great working order, as evidence of his howling.  He was rather chatty at the vet.  The pain pill I gave him did help him relax but he still did his howling over night so once again I didn’t get a good nights rest. 

We did blood work to check on his Thyroid plus all of his metabolic levels, there could be something at play.  I felt it was money well spent despite the fact it is pricey.  The results hopefully should be back tomorrow.  For now he is on Vitamin B12 that will help with appetite as well as cognitive function.  Apparently if an animal or person gets low in B12 it will make you act strange. 

Bottom line is we don’t know what is going on.  This could be simple depression and the fact that there has been a change in the household.  While I don’t feel he and his mother were close, only Marvin truly knows how he felt for his mother.  I mean it’s his mother and I am sure he had love for her even thought they didn’t interact much/well once he was an adult.  This could also be geriatrics and his thyroid.  Most of the symptoms he has do correlate to a Thyroid problem and while I was giving him a weekend pass on his medicine, that is not something I think I will be doing going forward. 

The B12 is injectable and he got his first dose today.  I will give him one for the next 3 weeks.  It’s water soluble meaning what his body doesn’t absorb he will pee out.  So there is no risk involved.  I can continue to give him a pain pill at night to help minimize the vocalization and we will develop a new plan based on the blood work results. 

I am working from home and have been upstairs a few times.  He has started howling again but it’s for a short period of time and then he stops.  Gator also does the same thing.  As if it’s not bad enough for problems with Marvin, Gator now is limping.  I hope her foot is asleep and that she didn’t cause an injury, I don’t want to go back to the vet at all.  I’ve spent way too much time there and my wallet and I both need a big time break.  Speaking of cost, I made it just over the threshold and was able to finance todays visit for 6 months with no interest.  I can afford to pay cash but why, when I can hang on to my money, earn interest and pay this off at the same time.  I will have this and momma’s final bill paid for in a couple months, provided there are no other unforeseen circumstances.  Everything for sure will be paid with in the 6 month time frame because interest is something I earn and not something I pay. 

Wow my emotions are all over the place.  I was depressed and anxious this morning.  This afternoon I was relived and tired.  I have had problems talking today and mixing up my words as well as forming some thoughts.  All of which is a sign that as I say I am exhausted.  I need rest, relaxation and lots of it.  Some good sex would probably help but I don’t think that will be happening. 

Here’s hoping that my troubles are at rest for a while and that I can recuperate quickly.  I’m working from home tomorrow only because I don’t want to leave him alone.  I did have the TV on this morning and that seemed to help calm him, so I will probably do that when I go back to the office on Monday.  I mean it can’t hurt anything and U-verse will power the box off after 4 hours so I will come home to a screen saver, which is perfectly okay by me.  So long as he doesn’t start his howling after the TV goes off. 

Thanks for checking in.  I look forward to hopefully a quiet and relaxing evening, with Marv & Gator by myside. 

Worry–Marvin

Worry has a new name for me, it’s called Marvin.  Last night was okay, we spent time together on the couch.  I fed him and he ae a tiny bit.  We parted at bed time on good terms and I told him as always how much I love him.  I did give him an appetite stimulant, but it needs 24 full hours to take effect. Without fail he promptly woke me up at 3a again with howling.  I gave him some gravy based food and he was lapping it up and I went back to bed.  Then he decided to start up again I managed to have him settle down.  Then Gator started because she wanted to get up in bed and comfort me, so she climbed up and I was all about her. 

This morning was rough to say the least getting out of bed without a full nights sleep, but I have done it before.  It just really sucks when you have to go to work the next day.  He had 2 cans of food and nibbled on one of them.  I traded food with Gator but that didn’t work this time. 

My initial plan was to give him 24 hours more but once I got to work and was checking the camera around lunch time he was howling up a storm.  That broke my heart.  I don’t know if he is lonely, depressed or in a tremendous amount of pain.  I called and made a vet appointment for tomorrow morning.  I’m seeing a semi-stranger that I saw once before when Ruth bit her lounge.  This is the vet that argued I should get Ruth a Rabies shot because a bat could fly into my home and bite her.  While I am interested to know what she finds I hope that it’s minor and fixable. 

According to the web this could be from depression, out of whack thyroid or he could have a mouth issue either a tooth issue or cancer.  He’s also old as in Geriatric and he may just be lonely all of these are causes for howling. However, he’s been a howler for years it’s just he has never done it at 3am 2 mornings in a row.  I have the strong feeling that he is driving Gator nuts and he is working himself up for nothing. 

I am eager to get home to see how he is and if I can get him to eat.  I put fresh dry treats in front of him and he acted like he wanted them but just passed.  So I kind of think strongly there is something going on with his mouth.  Regardless if he eats or not, he’s getting a pain pill so hopefully I can get rest through the night. 

I will work from home for part of the morning.  Then provided all is well I will return to working from home in the afternoon.  Cross your fingers, eyes, ears, toes and whatever else you can – say a prayer – light a candle and do whatever else is possible for good luck.  I don’t want to lose him and I want this to be a minor fixable thing.  I honestly don’t have a good feeling about this but hope that it just from my recent loss and that my feeling is wrong, for once in my life I want to be wrong. 

Standby and I will give you an update as I can.  Marv is my cat, he the only one out of Momma that picked me to love.  He was okay around my spouse but he is the one who told me Marv is my cat.  I’m all good with that and want to help him in every way that I can.  I just can’t go on another rollercoaster ride and watch a cat die before my eyes in weeks.  Lord help me!  

Meh

I took Monday off, wasn’t feeling well.  Probably should have pushed myself but I didn’t.  Spent the bulk of the day watching movies.  Saw Super Size Me 2 – Holy Chicken, Death at a Funeral and Car Wash.  Entertaining and educational. It was a waste of a day but I learned something. 

Marv has me concerned.  He isn’t eating much and spends his time in my room or under the love seat.  We did get in some couch time yesterday which made him happy or so I think.  This could just be from me being nice and giving him the weekend off from his medicine.  He acts like he is taking it but then manages to spit it back out.  Sometimes this happens in front of me and sometimes he waits until I am not around.  I get he doesn’t like pills, no one does.  It’s much more aggravating for me to give him the medicine.  I know it bothers his stomach but it’s what is helping to keep him alive.  Perhaps I am just hypersensitive since I just lost momma.  I don’t want to lose another one anytime soon. 

So it’s 3am and I am off in dreamland.  Marv starts howling and wakes me up.  My head was pounding, I went to the bathroom and then made my way to the kitchen where I opened a pouch of food and gave that to him since he didn’t eat anything for supper.  Turns out that is exactly what he wanted.  He also wanted me to stay up and rotate the plate but at 3a there is no way I am playing that game.  I went back to bed and tried to fall asleep it must have taken me an hour but then I tossed and turned.  Until finally it was time to get up. 

Not exactly sure how I was going to make it through the day, I thought about working from home.  That would have offered me a nap option, which I would have taken.  However, I pushed forward and made it in.  There was a ton to catch up on this morning and now that has passed there isn’t a whole lot going on and I am thankful for that. 

My upper back is killing me and I promised Marv couch time tonight.  I’ll keep my word if he is interested but if not then I am headed to my chair once we get to that point in the evening.  I don’t know if this is all from the dust I stirred up on Sunday or if it’s my bodies continual fight that I have been experiencing for a while.  I just want it gone.  I’ve got hot flashes as well which isn’t fun. 

Gator is the only one in the house that I think is doing well.  She begs, meows, eats and cuddles.  She is cute and she knows it, I am pretty sure she uses that to her advantage. 

Doesn’t help that it’s been raining and now we have snow on the way.  To think it was spring like over the weekend and now were back in the deep freeze.  March should be interesting!  Hope all is well in your world.  Talk with you again soon.

Weekend Wrap Up

Saturday was mostly a day of sleeping.  I did get going late in the afternoon like 3p.  I grabbed the mail.  Then drove for some Mexican food.  It was very good.  The waitress I had was talking to the table behind me saying oh yeah I waited on you 3 years ago.  How have you been?  Then she said it’s weird I have this 6th sense I can see things but I never tell people what I see.  That was interesting to hear and I wanted to ask her what she saw for me.  I was thinking about it and thought well if it’s something bad I don’t want to know and if it’s something good let it happen as it’s supposed to, don’t ruin the surprise.  So I didn’t push it.  My late spouse didn’t believe in all of that, I mean he knew they were for real but said that it was the dark side and best not to entertain that.  Back on point, I headed for home but stopped to pick up cat food.  I was amazed at that number of cans I was buying.  It was just like the old days when there was something called selection and variety.  I think that Friskies is going by the way side and the replacement is more healthier, all natural type cat food.  Hey if I’m right that will be a shocker but it’s what I see more and more of in the stores.  That ain’t cheap.  I hope that Friskies sticks around to see Gator & Marv through their lifetime.  After that I’m not terribly sure that I will care.  Although, I did look at the local shelters webpage.  I saw an all black cat that reminded me of Bear and his name was Fatso.  That was one of many things I used to call Bear.  While I thought about going to visit and potentially bringing another one home, I thought it’s really not fair to Gator or Marv.  They should be able to live together and once they are gone I can think about looking.  I made it home and started on some laundry.  Perfected my termination letter for my dentist and got it ready to mail.  Then it was up to get the litter boxes under control, load the dishwasher (kind of sounds like either a sexual reference or a euphemism for getting drunk).  Then it was time to call it a day and watch TV until I got tired and fell asleep. 

I didn’t go to the funeral for my classmates mom.  While it would have been nice to see him, it would be better if it was under different circumstances.  I also really think that it’s a family affair.  If we were closer then I would have gone for sure but we had little interaction. 

Sunday another nice day – sunshine and in the 60s.  It’s like Spring or something.  Hold on to your hat because tomorrow it’s going back to the freezer and there is rain coming.  Snow by Wednesday if the forecast holds true.  Were just at an odd time of year when Mother Nature can’t seem to make up her mind.  I was very productive today.  Made it to breakfast, the grocery store.  When I was putting my groceries away I saw the line in front of the haircut store starting to grow.  Just as I was driving away a very cute guy walked up.  Damn I should have gone back.  I was going to pull the trigger and get my hair colored but I took the small crowd as a sign that it wasn’t the right time.  So off to the gas station I went.  I wanted to wash the car but with rain coming why.  I just cleaned my back window and called it a day.  Once I was home I gave my bedroom an air treatment with O3.  I keep thinking I smell mold from time to time.  Actually once I opened the window to air the place out and let in some day light I saw lots of dust.  That is probably what I am smelling.  So after I gave it some time to air out I went in to take a nap and the kids joined me.  I lit a rose candle and fell asleep.  When I woke up an hour later it smelled like I was in a florist or at a funeral.  I continued on with the laundry.  Then came back and cleaned my room by dusting and vacuuming.  It was long over due and I actually have worn myself out with all of the activity.  I’ve browsed social media off and on today.  Looked at a couple work emails but my focus is on personal stuff.  I have purposely left my phone behind as well as turned it off a few times.  It’s nice to break away from the gadgets when you can. 

I will be on-call tomorrow and of course like usual I am not looking forward to it.  However, hopefully it will be an easy week and I won’t get my blood pressure up too much.  I have my last load of laundry in the dryer and once it goes off I will be headed up.  Putting all of the clothes away, making the bed.  Then time for a shave and shower.  After that it will be time to pick out what is for dinner.  I don’t know if I want casserole or frozen pizza.  Both take time to make but the casserole cooks in the microwave.  Plus I have to feed the children.  They enjoy having me around but when I leave their side they both start screaming.  Gator will actually follow me like her mother used to.  I wore her ass out today by going back and forth.  That drove her nuts but it’s wasn’t done on purpose.  I told her I was busy.  I don’t mind a shadow, just don’t get in the way.  We will of course find something to watch on TV.  Monday will be here before I want it to be.  At least the back window is clean until it rains.  The tires have proper air pressure in them.  I am getting close to oil change time.  I will try to lump that in with my new dentist appointment at the end of next month. 

I have an odd craving for Chicken Fried Steak & Eggs.  It’s a breakfast dish that I had after Momma died and something that my brother turned me on to years ago.  I could go grab that but that requires a trip out and I am in for the day.  I spend enough time away from home and want to enjoy time with Marv & Gator as well as being able to relax and let my hair down, as it were. 

From a mental standpoint I am doing okay.  I still find it hard to believe that in 4 weeks time I lost my momma.  Living it real time it felt like much longer.  I remember the anguish and the worry.  I think about all of the good times we had together and how we got that one special weekend day where I was able to walk her outside to bask in the sun while being held securely in my arms.  I miss her very much.  Things are adjusting to the new normal.  I can’t say I like it but I can say that I am relieved that I no longer have the worry.  Taking care of a terminally ill pet really takes someone special who can devote time and attention.  I know my Momma appreciated everything that I did for her.  I think that she wanted me to fix it but sadly I couldn’t.  I am thankful for the extra time I got with her and the many conversations that we had.  I didn’t beat around the bush.  It was hard to come to terms with once I got the diagnosis and I wobbled back and forth between belief and disbelief.  Now that she is gone I am still in shock but have accepted it.  I have the box with her cremains on my dresser.  I look at it often and it’s a sobering reminder that I am not in a terrible dream.  Unless something strikes me different my plan is to keep her in my room.  It’s where she felt the most comfortable over the last 4 weeks of her life and we have spent countless hours over the years in that room together.  I start and end each day in that room.  I talked to her for a while and still periodically say a few words here and there.  I have some regrets but given the choices to make I would do it all over again.  She was my cat and I was her savior – no one can ever change that.  No one can take away my love for her and her love for me.  Presto I just made myself cry again.  Haven’t done that in a while.  It hurts because the wound is still very much fresh.  Someday things will heal but I will never forget her, she was truly a very special pretty woman!

Here’s to the week ahead.  Have a great one, I will certainly be trying!  Take care and thanks for stopping by. 

T.G.I.Friday

What a week, glad that in a short bit it will be over with and I just have to contend with the commute home.  My body is still trying to get sick but hasn’t quite made up it’s mind.  Right now my feet are freezing, which isn’t a good sign but the heater in the vehicle should warm them up nicely. 

Last night I got to see the hot guy at the pharmacy, went to pick up a prescription.  I interacted with him and made him laugh.  Nice to see a smile, I am a sucker for that.  I did my research and know he’s straight but I so want to ask him how could a guy like me get a gay version of a guy like him.  That’s kind of offensive and I wouldn’t dare ask it.  I read something recently that said stop telling people that you want to sleep with them instead tell them they are cute.  That’s solid advice but I have never said that I wanted to sleep with someone, I think that is just plain rude. 

Gator is sure a clingy girl.  She is using her alarm clock power but her time clock is off and she keeps getting earlier and earlier.  Just wait in a couple weeks I will get my revenge, we will have time change weekend.  That is always fun.  Marv is stepping on his own tail and walking continues to be a challenge for him at times.  He can’t get situated just right.  He doesn’t whine about it or even make a sound when he steps on his own tail.  I’ll bet you if I stepped on his tail he would tell me all about.  After what I have been through I do worry about each of them a little bit more.  I know in the end there will be just 1.  My money is on Gator being the longest living but Marv might surprise me.  Right now I just want each of them to hold it together, I don’t want to deal with a dying pet again. 

Work has been difficult this week but I scored some brownie points in coming to the rescue.  I plaid my card today and asked for monitor arms.  They are working on it.  I would have had them today but our office manager has to get creative.  My neck is killing me and rather than put together monitor stands or grabbing reams of copy paper I would rather have monitor arms.  It’s something I have always wanted from day 1 and once I get them I can want for something else then.  I’d like them at home as well but that means I would need to change graphics cards as well as monitors and then buy the arms.  Kind of a pricy adventure so I do the monitor stand thing.  It’s been working fine. 

I’d like to go to my classmate/friends mom’s funeral but unless I wake up with lots of time to spare I don’t think it’s going to happen.  I am lazy on Saturday and kind of feel like it’s a family affair.  I saw that tons of people are sending flowers.  Jesus florist sure rake it in but some of those arrangements look stunning.  You have to pay for that stunning effect but it sure does look nice.  It doesn’t make the flowers last longer.  I saw a rubber plant today as an offering, I’m thinking about getting one of those for the basement.  It is supposed to clean the air and you don’t need a green thumb to keep it alive.  It’s at least an idea I am kicking around. 

So now I will begin to shut thing down here and go play in traffic.  Not sure what is for dinner or if I even want to eat.  I am most interested in sleep right now.  That could change by the time I get home.  Deciding on what to feed the cat is a much harder choice.  They have turned their nose up at gravy based foods, which is what I have the most of.  I know it will all work out but jeez. 

Have a nice weekend and stay warm!

No Tomorrow

I read a disheartening post this morning on social media.  A classmate/friend of mine said that yesterday was the worst day of his life.  Even worse than the day he got his cancer diagnosis.  His mom checked into the hospital for a simple test and passed away. 

Yet another reminder that we all have an expiration date.  We don’t know when that date is or how it will happen.  Tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us.  A sobering reminder to cherish today and those that you love.  As well as to express your love to those you care about. 

Yeah I know I’m talking like I am 90 or something and it’s depressing.  It’s also truthful. 

Gator isn’t feeling the greatest and both her an her brother are so confused that they are the only 2 cats in the house.  I gave them both the same thing to eat this morning and they both turned their noses up at it.  I had to open something different for each of them.  Good thing I got up early or that would have thrown a wrench in my routine. 

I talk to each of them like they have ears and can understand me.  This morning without thinking I looked at Gator and asked where is your mom.  I felt awful afterward and corrected myself to say brother.  I sing songs about her (Momma) when I am in the shower and still miss her.  She was a big part of my life and it’s not like I can just forget her. 

I think each of them understand and know what happened to their mom.  Not 100% sure they are dealing with it okay but they aren’t on a hunger strike.  Which is a good thing.  Marv still goes and hides at night under the couch to sleep.  But we all start out gathered in the same place, which is my room. 

In other news I made quite a blunder at work yesterday but thankfully it all worked out well.  It was something that could have easily cost me my job and of course the worrier in me worried until I heard this morning that it’s been put to bed and everything is okay.  I could have avoided this mistake by doing what I do best and communicating but it just never occurred to me.  I took responsibility and of course I was much harder on myself.  Can’t blame this one on emotions, I was just trying to be a people pleaser and not get yelled at. 

I am not feeling the best but at least I am doing better than I was this morning.  My body is still trying to get sick but can’t make up it’s mind.  So I get lots of mixed signals.  I’m chalking it up to allergies at the moment.  Hopefully, that is accurate. 

Not much else happening at the moment.  Finishing up the pizza tonight for dinner, last 2 pieces.  It is so good and I am glad that I paced myself with it to make it last longer.  I think I got more value for my money in that it’s turned into 4 meals instead of 2.  However, I will look forward to having something different tomorrow night.  Thinking of Beef Sheppard’s pie, that sounds really good. 

Keeping with the food theme, I got this cake called Sock It to me..  It’s a cinnamon crème cake and it’s the driest cake ever.  Microwaving it makes it softer but it’s still dry.  I paid for it so you know I will finish it.  Just won’t buy another one.  That’s what I get for not wanting to pay $15 for a cake, which I think is a bit on the high price side of things. 

So there you have it, ye old update for now.  Talk with you all again soon.

The Beat Goes On

Were all still adjusting to life without Momma.  I think the children are doing a much better job than me.  However, I know that life doesn’t stop just because she is gone.  Tomorrow will be difficult because it will mark the 1 week point.  Last Monday was dramatically different from how this Monday will play out. 

I’m treating myself.  Yesterday I drove for pizza and it was really good.  The place started filling up with local High School Wrestlers.  Wow some of those kids look really hot.  Yeah I know they are under age and it’s fine to look, just don’t say anything or touch and your fine.  I can do that. 

So as you can see my sexual awareness has returned.  It took a slight hiatus but I am back to being all revved up.  These days porn stars are creating their own content and charging for it, this way the profits all go to them and they cut out the studio.  Kind of makes sense if you think about it.  Anyway I joined a favorite porn stars Just For Fans site yesterday.  I was so not disappointed. 

Took myself to Target the trip that I have been putting off for weeks.  I dropped close to $100.  The one thing I got for myself was some sleeping pills.  I thought that something different combined with my prescription pill would help things along.  Well it did but I paid a price for it.  I was still up a little bit during the night.  I didn’t want to get out of bed but I did, fed the kids and then back to bed.  I didn’t want to do anything else all day long but forced myself to get up at 8a and get moving. 

By the time I got home I was exhausted and that just from grabbing breakfast, getting groceries and gassing up the car.  I unloaded the groceries and climbed back in bed.  I slept for hours and it was good.  I felt like I could be productive but that was short lived.

I sat on the couch with Marvin and watched him sleep.  Boy he sure did look comfortable.  The sun was out today and it’s really nice out.  I wish that it was that way last week, so Momma could have soaked up a little bit more sun.  Anyway, got my medicine set out and that is pretty much my day. 

I am working on putting away laundry and getting the trash out.  I don’t feel like doing much else and honestly I am not pushing myself.  I’ve been going non-stop for weeks and there is a reason why I am tired.  It has a little bit to do with the sleeping pill I took last night but honestly it has more to do with my body, spirit and soul just being exhausted.

Tomorrow hopefully will be a better day with more energy and I will actually be able to go to work for 5 full days.  I haven’t done that in a while.  All of the bills are paid.  Gearing up for Auto Insurance time, that is always fun.  That bill arrived yesterday.  I have enough money to pay it in full but am opting to hang on to my cash and pay monthly.  Hopefully I will be successful in holding on and continuing to retain some savings, that is a priority for me this year along with meeting a man. 

Here’s to what I hope is a cool, calm and collective week ahead.  Talk with you all again soon. 

The End|Goodbye Momma

I regret to inform you that Momma passed away on Monday morning. Sunday night wasn’t the greatest for her and I told her that Monday we would be parting ways, I just felt it. I gave her a pain pill because she had such a lousy day and I didn’t want her to be in any pain, if there was in fact pain present. If not, I knew it would at least make her drowsy so maybe she could get some sleep.

I normally wake up a little after 6a when I am working. I woke up at 5a on Monday and tried to go back to sleep. My phone made an odd noise like it just started charging. That did it for me, I knew I had to get up. I turned on the light and looked down at the foot of my bed. There she was. I checked her and she looked like she had passed. Then I thought I saw her chest rising but it was faint. I cried for a moment. Then summoned the other two to the kitchen for breakfast. Oddly enough I had picked out Tuna and Salmon which were 2 of Momma’s favorite flavors. I always pick the food out the night before and made those choices on purpose, because she has been on my mind constantly.

I returned to my room to check on Momma again and she was in fact still alive, but just barely. I got dressed and grabbed a pee pad and scooped her up. She was pretty much unresponsive until I opened the door to the garage and the cold air rushed in. That woke her up and she looked at me as if to say, hey I’m dying here and I was in a nice comfy place in a warm house. Seriously, do we have to go outside now? I talked to her and told her I knew it was cold but told her that it would be short lived.

This was the first and only time that I traveled without my seatbelt on. The vet is just a short jaunt away from the house and in cases like this I am glad. I rang the bell and someone came and let us in. I got more bad news. They only have 1 vet on overnight and she just went into emergency surgery. They had no idea how long it would be. That didn’t please me at all but I get it.

So, the technician brought in some baby food to see if Momma would eat but she didn’t want anything to do with baby food. She did sniff it but that was it. She was very weak and started to get used to the warmth of the room. We were left alone for a bit. Then the tech came back with a buddy and they shaved mommas’ front paw. They tried to start an IV and her vein blew because she barley had a blood pressure. Thankfully when that little event was over with, I was informed that the vet just got out of surgery.

Turns out it was the same vet that gave me bad news about Ruth. She remembered me as I did her. We talked about a couple of alternative options. I think I made the wrong choice now but at the time it seems like the best method. It was only supposed to take 5 to 10 minutes for her to pass but she hung on for a half hour. They gave her enough medicine to put down a 30-pound dog and she was a 5-pound cat. I kept thinking she was gone but the vet would listen and say nope, she is still here. Eventually it had been long enough that the vet needed to step out to get some additional medicine. She forewarned me that once she stepped out that Momma would probably sense it and then she would let go because it would just be the two of us in the room. Sure, enough she was right on the money and when the vet returned Momma was gone.

I’ve purposely put off posting this because it forces me to relive the experience and it was less than pleasant. I wish I would have spent more time with her body but I had to get out of that damn room. They wanted to mail me an invoice but I said nope let’s settle up now. Since we used a less than traditional method it was supposed to cost less but that isn’t the way it worked out. I wound up paying the same and hey that’s fine. The job is done and Mommas at peace and I no longer have to worry so I was more than happy to settle up. Her remains I was told would be returned to me in 1 to 2 weeks. I got the call they were ready on my drive home. I stopped by and picked them up. Based on the date information that the vet had on file Momma lived to be 17 years old. That is a pretty good age for an indoor cat, especially one with a Thyroid problem. It helped to cheer me up a little bit but I still miss her.

I am very worried about Marv & Gator. They both have known long before that I did that Momma was sick and that she wasn’t going to make it. We are all adjusting to a new normal. They look for her and have a general confusion about them. This morning Marv was using the litter box and I had to look at him 3 times to make sure that it was him. It looked so much like Momma. If you really look hard you can see her features in each of her children. Still can’t figure out how he had a 45 pound all black boy but we surmise that she mated with a Mountain Lion.

Momma gave me 4 kids and we had 16 years together. She never forgot the kind act I did for her in bringing her in when she was pregnant and giving her a home, as well as taking care of her kids. I have a lot of fond memories, photos, and videos. However, those pail in comparison to having her to hold in my arms. I am glad that I was there for her over the last 3 weeks and especially at the end. I know that gave her comfort and helped calm her down. Today is the first Friday that I am not worried about her and wondering if it’s going to be a good or bad night. It is strange to have free time on my hands and only 1 cat to medicate. I am trying to spend as much time as I can with Marv & Gator.

On Monday I spent a little time at home, obviously I took the day off from work. Went to breakfast with a friend. Got my hair cut and had dinner with another friend. I really needed to take a 2^nd day but I forced myself to forge forward because you have to go back sometime. It was tough but I did it. I am not quite over Momma’s passing; it’s hitting me harder than I thought it would. I mean it’s been several days and it’s still emotional. With all of the others it was a day or two and most of the grief was gone. Momma was such an integral part of my life and we were so close that it’s going to take longer. She was extra special to me and 16 years is a very long time.

I pray that Momma has been reunited with Ruth, Bear, #1 son and my spouse. I can’t tell you how much and how many times I have cried. I am so thankful that I didn’t make a rush decision when we got our diagnosis 3 short weeks ago or I wouldn’t have had the extra time to spend with her. I think saying goodbye to her multiple times, praying and sobbing was good for me. I like that she fought and I was successful in getting her appetite back if only for a short time with the aid of baby food. That fact makes me proud of both myself and her. There is no question in my mind that she hung on for me, that was my momma, she had so much love to give. I am also happy that we got to take one last walk in the sun. Something about cats and sunshine, they can’t get enough of it. I will forever miss Momma.

Thank you for stopping by, your thoughts, prayers and well wishes. They are truly appreciated.

Rocky Road

We had a rough night.  Momma I think may have had a heart attack.  Clearly something went wrong with her.  She was meowing and twitching.  I listened to her with a stethoscope and what I heard didn’t sound good to me but her heart was obviously still beating.  She has problems walking that could be from her heart problem or it could be metabolic.  She had issues going to the bathroom.  She made it to a pee pad and went but that took a lot out of her.  I guess she had more business to do and decided to climb in the litter box but she just laid down and was panting.  I picked her up and we went to the kitchen to calm down a bit.  I gave her some fluids.  Offered her baby food but she didn’t want to eat.  She wanted down so I placed her on the floor she tried to walk towards the water fountain and fell into a plate of food so she was covered in gravy.  I cleaned her up the best I could but that was kind of heart breaking.  She then went to the other litter box and was stressed out, she again laid down. 

I got her back to my room and she was in bed.  She wanted up but couldn’t make her way out of bed.  I helped her and that did the trick.  She drank some water. 

This morning I woke up and couldn’t believe that she was still alive.  She was soaking wet.  Apparently she went to get up but didn’t have the strength to get out of bed onto the floor and she wet her self.  I told her once again this was the end but she disagreed with me.  I got her dried off.  Offered her some baby food but she wants nothing to do with it.  Her breath smells like her butt and typically that is what happens when a cat is fixing to die. 

She curled up in a ball in my room and I thought leaving would some how help the situation along.  I went to breakfast and passed time.  I came back and she was in bed, again still with us.  I’ve done my usual Sunday running.  Even had a nap. 

Gator & Marvin are up my ass craving attention.  I think they know all about Momma and they are trying to provide a distraction.  It worked for a bit but quickly got on my nerves.  I love them but needless to say Momma is getting all of the attention right now, and for good reason. 

So here we are 3 in the afternoon.  I want to take her to the vet.  I know it’s the right thing to do but I feel like I am breaking my promise and giving up on her.  We had a talk more for my benefit and since it was a one way conversation I decided that she would take her heart pill but we would stop Lasix for now.  She would get some fluid.  I tried again to get her to eat but I honestly think her body is shutting down and her appetite isn’t coming back.  She is sleeping in my room breathing shallow but she is conscious.  I’m giving her time because that is all I have left to give.  I can’t leave her in this state as in going to work or for that matter leaving the house for any reason, unless she is coming with me. 

This has been another exhausting hell on earth weekend.  It’s like I said at breakfast I will be better once this is over with.  I need for her to die so we can all move past this.  I don’t want her to die because I love her but it’s where we are and if I don’t wind up taking her in, I think Mother Nature has me on notice that it’s coming it might be a couple days but it’s coming. 

If I can get her to perk up a little bit and even eat a dabble I am willing to keep on going and hold out some random strain of hope.  However, realistically I know that she is dying it’s just a question of when.  It’s been a short but very long road and battle.  She has done really good given her situation but I think her condition is rapidly catching up with her and regardless of what I do or say, her time is near. 

Maybe I am weak, maybe I am a coward or maybe I just don’t want to face this at all.  However I can’t move myself to get her to the vet.  I keep on yelling and screaming at myself.  The alarms and alerts are going off but yet I am stuck on a crash course and I think finding her dead will be more soul crushing that if I can get the strength together to have her life humanely extinguished. 

I love all my animals but each time I travel the death journey I want to go with them.  I am so tired of all of the suffering.  My life has been put on hold, only because I am putting it on hold.  Love evokes a lot of emotions and I suppose paralysis is one of them.  At least in this case. 

I keep telling her how much I love her because I just can’t say it enough.  I feel like I am stuck in a bad dream and can’t wake up.  The thought of not checking on her on camera, wondering what to plan for supper and in general not coming home to her is beyond sad.  Even though she was either in pain or wanted something, I loved hearing her meows last night and today.  I love that little voice of hers.  In her older age she has gotten quiet unless he needs to be heard and then she knows how to meow.  I did the math and in human years she is around 73 years old.  That’s a really good life for a cat.  Pardon me for being jealous and wanting her to live longer like until she is 80.  I know that is unreasonable and even if I had all of the money in the world that is unrealistic.  I might be able to buy a month or maybe two at best but certainly nothing beyond that. 

Saying goodbye is not my strong suite.  Death is something that I have always struggled with and will forever struggle with.  I want this over with but at the same time I want to keep fighting.  I know that is a concordatory sentence.  But I think you understand. 

My sweet momma no greater girl for me on this earth than her.  I actually have had thoughts where I thought she was my grandma reincarnated.  That’s probably not true but if it is, wow she has gotten quite the eye full.  Kind of embarrassing.  However, she is just as sweet as my late grandmother was and I love her just as much, it’s a different kind of love but it’s still love.  She is now and forever will be my momma.  Imaging life without her is very painful.  I kind of feel like if I keep on flogging her and we keep on going that eventually I am going to snap and have a mental breakdown.  So as much as I don’t want it to be, I need it to be over and done with.  Then the healing can begin.  It will certainly be a raw, open and very exposed wound.  I will cry my eyes out for a couple days maybe longer and eventually my tears will dry.  But as long as this is still going on my life and I will be a fucking mess. 

I’ve looked ahead to tomorrow and there isn’t much going on.  I’d love to go back to work but don’t know that mentally I can handle it.  I’m taking slow steps towards tomorrow.  What happens today will determine the outcome of tomorrow.  I can’t say this in plain English loud enough but I need a vacation. 

I’ll keep you updated as I can.  Right now I need to get busy with some other chores.  I pray that whatever decisions I make will be the right ones.  Momma doesn’t appear to be in pain or distress now, just sleepy.  I’m good with sleepy because I kind of feel that way myself, despite the fact that I can’t sleep.  The only blessing here is that the vet is 24/7 and I can make a decision to go in now or several hours from now.  Doesn’t mean they won’t try to exploit that as an emergency visit but I’m told they won’t.

Thank you for being there and for reading this.  I haven’t got a lot of people to talk to.  Here’s hoping for better days. 

Email jail

I’m stuck in email jail.  Working on importing a ton of mail and the PST file keeps crashing on me.  I figured out where the corrupt messages are and am staying away from them but because I am in a little bit of a hurry and want to finish this thing is being difficult.  I am on my 2nd time running scanpst which moves slower than a snail.  Yup, this is all work related and not exactly how I want to spend my time.

Momma is in the critical stage.  She stopped eating but I did get her to eat baby food for me this morning and this afternoon.  I also added in an appetite stimulant.  I don’t think it’s going to have much affect but rather to try than not.  She is open mouth breathing a little bit.  We have spend a good portion of the day where she was either in my lap or laying on me.  I want to take her over to the vet and get this over with but I told her I wouldn’t give up on her.  So I am getting a work out with my patients.  I have found more times than not during this process that if I can just wait and see, things work out.  However, I don’t have a lot of optimism.  She is still drinking water which is good.  I just offered her supper a bit ago and she didn’t want any part of it.  So we will try again later. 

I still need to go get cat food and make a Target run.  Between Momma and Work I am held hostage here.  If it wasn’t for love I think I would simply give up.  However, a promise is a promise and I do love her so there is no giving up, regardless of how tempting it might be.  I need to know for sure that I have done everything I can and given her every chance before we take the path of no return. 

I’m not an emotional mess which is kind of a surprise.  I am more frustrated and just want to climb in a hole and not come out for a while.  Gator is bathing her mother and showering her with some love, which I know Momma appreciates.  It makes me think that she knows the end is coming.  Marvin walk over to Momma and sniffs her and then runs away.  I guess he’s afraid she will jump up and smack him. 

This is all so exhausting and I know the end will come way too soon but I will have some powerful memories to reflect on and I know I will be able to have my mind at ease, still doesn’t make the whole process easier. 

Hope your having a great weekend!  Talk with you all again soon, back to email jail for me. 

Better Friday 4 Momma

Thus far this Friday has been a better day for momma.  She isn’t swelling up and having breathing problems.  She does get tired quickly and she spends the bulk of her day asleep.  She’s not drugged up it’s just the way most cats live.  Given her condition rest is the best thing for her.  She is still eating although breakfast was a rough go this morning.  I can see her running out of steam slowly and the end is coming regardless if I want it to or not.  That could be a quick thing or this could play out for a while longer.  I am still conflicted and know that I should probably make a move but just can’t.  She has fallen asleep between my legs as well as resting on my belly.  Regardless of what I need or want I remain still so as to not disturb her until it’s absolutely necessary. 

I have good news in that my A1C is still on the decline and I am at 6.5 which is really good.  We want to get to the low 6’s consistently and then I will drop a medicine.  Not sure if that is going to happen but time will tell.  I talked with my doc about my weight gain and he saw it last time but right now I am maintaining.  I don’t like it I want to get rid of it and go back down. 

I have wound up working on my days off, what a shocker.  I am working on a special project that was dumped in my lap.  It’s not my job but yet I am doing it.  My boss has signed me up for a bonus because of my efforts.  As I type this I still have a job running and am switching back and forth.  It’s an email transfer project and it’s boring as hell and takes hours up on hours because there are mounds of data.  At least I can work at my own pace but there was a rush this morning and I was under the gun for a while. 

Saw the hot guy I like at the pharmacy today.  Jesus it’s a good thing he is behind a counter.  He didn’t wait on me this time but we had eye contact a couple times.  Even if he is straight I can still look at his delicious body and dream. 

Well I guess it’s back to work for now.  Hopefully I will be able to go be with momma and company soon.  She needs a little bit of fluids and then we can relax for the evening.  I do hope that I have my weekend to myself.  I am considering going for pizza tomorrow, even though I really shouldn’t because I am short on cash.  It will be nice to get away and just see a different area as well as have a nice short drive.  Got to do a Target run for sure, that won’t be cheap either. 

Have a nice weekend.  Talk with you all again soon.

Oh what a night

On my way home last night the temperature had dropped and it was raining.  We were still above freezing.  By the time I was crossing the bridge it was dark as in pitch black.  There was a huge delay and eventually I got to see why.  There was a car in the fast lane that was broke down and totally dark – no flashers or lights of any kind.  For fear of the car being struck I remained behind it and called 911.  I was in between 2 states and knew that I needed my state but wound up in the wrong state when I called 911.  They took a report and said they would send someone.  I manually dialed my state’s police and told them.  They said someone would be on the way.  Some 20 minutes later and I am wondering WTF when is someone coming.  Then I finally saw flashing lights behind me and I got out.  I explained to the driver what was going on.  He went to the car and there was a young lady in there scared and trying to get ahold of her auto club.  Thankfully the guy that showed up was a tow truck driver.  He asked me to stay where I was and he got in front of her to get her out of the roadway.  Not exactly sure what he did but the car started and she followed him until we could all get to the shoulder. 

The last time I stopped to help someone it blew up in my face and I almost wound up in jail.  This time I did thing differently.  I didn’t get out and talk, I just stayed put and made calls from my car.  Flashers and lights on until help arrived.  The lady was so thankful.  I told her that I stayed behind her to prevent her from getting hit. 

In the process I had a couple close calls myself and while I always change lanes or slow down when I see flashing lights, not everyone does  Cars were whipping by us despite the fact there was an obvious emergency.  Not exactly how I planned my night to go but I am glad that I was there to be able to lend a hand.  I wanted to leave but just couldn’t because I knew that she would get hit for sure, it was an accident waiting to happen. 

When I got home I had problems finding Momma.  As I looked down the hall there she was laying outside of the litter box.  She looked scared and I touched her she screamed.  I figured that this was it.  Nope, she got up and shook herself off and then followed me to the kitchen.  I gave her some food and she ate supper.  Yet another time when I thought for sure we were at the end and it turned out to be a false alarm. 

I gave her fluids and managed to put the needle straight through her skin pointing on the counter.  She laid there knowing full well I was making a mess and never said a word.  It wasn’t until we were done that I realized I messed up.  So I had to clean up and then start over  She was less than thrilled with me and even turned off her purr motor.  She wanted away from me in the worst way.  I didn’t give her much fluid but enough that I thought it may help pep her up.  It’s getting obvious that she is running out of steam and sleeping doesn’t seem to help much. 

This morning breakfast was a little bit of a chore but she still ate.  I was ready to pull out the baby food.  I got her meds in and decided to cut back a little bit on the Lasix.  We have more Winter weather on the way so given Momma’s condition and the weather I opted to work from home today. 

I know I keep on saying this but I really don’t think we have too much time left together.  I am oddly calm about it and that is concerning.  I still worry about her but I’m not a mess like I have been in times past.  Which makes me think all the more that this rollercoaster ride is coming to an end. 

I don’t feel the best today and could really use some sleep.  I’ll try to work in a nap at lunch time.  I’m glad that I have the rest of the week off.  Sadly I have to visit the doctor but other than that I should be close by her.  She does need more medicine but I am holding off a bit just to see what happens.  I will probably call tomorrow or Friday to get a few more pills.  It’s the Lasix that were low on and since the vet sells name brand only it’s not the cheapest thing. 

I will continue to keep you posted as I can.  It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if Momma kept on going for a bit longer.  I am not giving up on her or counting her out.  If things get to the point where mobility is an issue or there is obvious distress then I will make the undesired call but until then I am taking the best care of her that I can and still hoping for a miracle (which I don’t believe will come but hope doesn’t cost anything). 

Happy middle of the week.

Thursday on a Tuesday

One more day to go and my week is done.  Tomorrow we have snow/sleet moving in the afternoon so getting home could be challenging.  I am keeping an ear out and if the media says work from home, then that is what I shall do.  Tomorrow it will only be me and the boss. New guy is closing on a house.  My other co-worker is super sick.  So it will be a hellish day I am sure but at least that will move the time along. 

As for today’s Momma update.  She is still super sleepy in the morning.  She is interested in breakfast but eats a little bit and then goes into sleeping.  She wakes up a few minutes later and she is ready to eat some more, then sleep.  By the time I got to work she was all pepped up or so it seems.  There were birds chirping outside my bedroom window and that caused her to perk up and wonder where the noise was coming from.  She has been on and off camera.  Mostly sitting and staring into space.  Like last night, I am eager to get home to be with her.  I kind of feel like the behavior I see in the morning is her body’s way of telling me time is running out. 

The odd thing from yesterday is that she didn’t eat much for breakfast like today.  When I got home she scarfed supper down, got full and stopped.  Then a bit later went back and had more.  That back and forth happened a couple times and then she decided she was full, so it was back to the bedroom for a while.  She came out to seek me out.  I needed to clean up her paw but she wanted attention and her famous belly rub. 

I’m glad we have this time together, when the end comes I know that I will reflect back on the fact of how conflicted I was but at least I made the right call by letting her remain alive to get the extra time. 

I hope that she is equally as hungry for supper tonight.

Bad news from the Pie Place I visit.  They closed the location recently and it’s a permanent thing.  I will so miss them and the Carmel Cinnamon Rolls those were heaven.  Along with the drive up and back as well as all of the fond memories I had with my spouse.  I know I can get pie closer to home but it was a special place to visit.  They have other locations but they are much farther away so it’s the end of an era sadly. 

I hope that all is well in your world.  Talk again soon.

Made it to Monday

This morning wasn’t easy for me to leave but Momma was doing okay.  Just very tired.  She ate a little bit and let me rub her belly.  I’ve watched her and she has been on and off camera quite a bit today.  Not sure if she was getting food, patrolling the house, or using the bathroom.  I suppose it may be obvious to me when I get home.  I made sure that the litter boxes were empty and the pee pads were fresh.  She seems a little more life like today as if she is full of energy but that is a vibe I am getting from what I see on camera.  Who knows what I will see when I get home.  Breathing has been in the normal range all day long, which is good. 

I need to stop by the pharmacy before I get home and that will take a few extra minutes.  I’m not crazy about it as I would rather just go straight home. 

I slept really good last night.  Had some Benadryl and a sleeping pill.  That was the magic that helped me relax.  I didn’t want to get out of bed but knew I had to.  I hope that I sleep equally as well for quite sometime.  Sleep is an important ingredient in health.  Not to mention it gives you energy to deal with the stresses of life. 

Work is a bit busy and that helped to pass time.  Looking forward to what I hope is a great evening with Momma & Company.  Hope you had a great day as well.  Talk again soon. 

My Sunshine

I woke up a little after 6a thanks to my internal body clock and my external noise maker (aka Gator).  Breakfast was had by all.  Medication was dispensed but clearly I wasn’t paying full attention because I found a heart pill on the floor this afternoon.  We went back to bed for a bit and come 8:30a I was getting back out to go grab breakfast and grocery shop. 

Caught up with my regular friends at Steak N Shake.  There my usual waitress who I like and she knows me pretty well.  Then an older gentleman that I talk with for a few minutes. 

After my belly was full I went on to the grocery store where I was later than normal and because this is Super Bowl weekend the place was booming.  You could clearly tell when you walked in the door the store was catering to Super Bowl Parties that are happening.  Platters of cookies, large displays of chips, they were over loaded on Bananas of all things.  The prepared food section was next to empty but I did manage to grab a sandwich for lunch this week and 2 beef burritos.  I got a couple of other things that I shouldn’t have but I am catering to my sorrow/depression.  Some ice cream and brownies.  Picked up a new dinner for 2 by Stouffers Chicken Ranch Pasta.  Not sure if I will have that tonight or a Burrito. 

Anyway I arrived back home and got everything put away.  It’s super warm out today were close to 70 but it’s only going to last today and tomorrow.  Then winter moves back in and on Wednesday we have snow.  I took advantage of the weather knowing how much Momma loves the sunshine (as I think all cats do).  I scooped her up and we went outside for a walk.  I made sure the sun was beaming down on her and I know that she enjoyed it, despite not feeling well.  She always wonders if I am going to dump her when we go outside.  I always tell her the same thing.  Who ever owned you first made that mistake but I will never dump you or give up on you. 

Speaking of Momma, her breathing has slowed down.  She is in the normal range but I think she is getting closer to the end.  Perhaps I am misreading the situation but that is what my gut tells me.  She crapped in her own bed and I was there and quick to clean it up.  There wasn’t anything left behind but I still rotated the blanket to a fresher side to remake her bed.  She got right back in and snuggled up.  I gave her a tiny dose of fluids last night.  I did some research on kidney disease/failure in cats.  The small amount I gave her was consumed rapidly by her body, a larger dose would have taken some time but also could have caused problems.  I freshened up her water dish and we spent the bulk of the day together. 

Tomorrow is going to be hard.  I so don’t want to leave her but I also know that it’s necessary.  I no longer think there is a decision to be made as it’s going to be made for me.  Doesn’t mean it’s going to happen tomorrow.  As you can tell by reading this I am like a helicopter with her and closely watching her.  I pray that when she passes if I am not around or I am asleep that it happens quickly and without any pain or suffering.  She is still eating, not much but something is better than nothing at all.  I picked up more baby food just in case I need it. 

Here’s hoping that I can hold myself together and make it through the week.  I also hope that I am fortunate enough to get to spend another week with her. I also hope that her breathing remains under control and that her body continues to respond to the drug therapy. 

Looking back over today the most special time was the time we were in the sun.  She is a purr monster.  She runs that motor so much I am surprised she doesn’t need an oil change.  I’m glad that I was able to be there to make this special moment happen.  I know that she appreciated it just as much as I enjoyed spending it with her.  Thinking that this could be our last walk in the sun has me tearing up again. 

I’m going to log my expenses, surf a little bit and then head back up.  Time for a shave, dinner and more time with the fur monsters.  Gator is extra clingy today and I think she knows more than she can communicate but I’m listening and taking it all in. 

Hope you had a great day.  Talk with you all again soon.  Best wishes for a great week ahead.   

Emotional Again

Momma is still with me and hanging on.  She had a rough Friday night, just like last weekend.  Open mouth breathing and I thought for sure we were at the end again.  I figured that I would wake up and either she would be gone or I was 1/2 way planning on taking her in.  She wanted me and actually fell asleep or was resting on my chest as I held her.  I didn’t want to let go but eventually I started the head bobbing and it was way past my best time.  I didn’t sleep the best, got a couple hours and then woke up.  Had to check on her and that of course roused everyone so we had to pass out some food. 

When I woke up this morning she was calm, you could see the effects of the Lasix I gave her and she is tired.  I had problems finding her because she wasn’t in her bed and not in the kitchen.  I thought for sure she would have crawled off under one of the couches but nope she was in the original bed I bought for her that Insty now sleeps in.  Phew. 

The little girl is tired and her body is telling her that her time is limited.  You can see the concern in her face.  I kind of feel like she might be asking me to help the process along but I just can’t bring myself to do it.  I have the same conflict that I had last weekend.  She appears reasonably okay at the moment.  Perhaps if it was a bit more obvious then I wouldn’t have a problem.  I’ve asked God to take her, I’ve told her it’s okay to leave.  I’ve said goodbye to her several times.  Thinking about it makes me tear up. 

It’s like I have this large open and infected wound that is trying to heal but the scab keeps getting ripped off of it and salt poured on it.  I feel much like I am living parts of last weekend out again.  It’s a very rough ride.  I think once things come to a close (regardless of how she passes) that only then will the healing begin and I will be off the emotional roller coaster.  I’ve got two more rides on that motherfucker and I don’t look forward to either of them. 

I had some yogurt and mini muffins for breakfast.  Washed it all down with a bottle of water.  Watched a little TV and then went back to bed.  Were all worn out.  I again didn’t sleep that well and I think/hope that will resolve once she passes.  Finally around 2:30p I got dressed and left the house.  I said an emotional goodbye to momma just in case she didn’t make it while I was gone.  I grabbed the mail and then headed to Red Lobster.  The drive was nice, the sun was out but it was still cold.  I thought about her as well as previous times I took the same trip with my late spouse.  I want to rewind life back to the good times. 

There was a hell of a nice looking young man that greeted me when I walked in the door.  He had a great body and of course a nice ass.  I so wanted him but just looked, as per usual even though I wanted so badly to touch.  That was a nice distraction from this emotional hell I am in. 

Once I got seated and looked over the menu, I ordered my usual.  Then fired up the camera at home.  Momma saw it and she was smiling at me.  As if she knew her daddy was watching her.  That camera has been so helpful to me.  Like her it’s old, no longer updated and unfortunately has serious security flaws.  Yet I still keep it going because, why not.  Since I knew she was okay I was able to enjoy my meal. 

I hit up the cat food store before I finally returned to home.  Since they are all so picky I never know exactly what to buy.  I like to get stuff that I think they will eat and have shown a previous interest in.  The major item being gravy based food.  I dropped $51 this weekend.  Consider that I just grabbed a few cans at the store last weekend it sounds bad but really isn’t in my eyes.  I will pay whatever it costs so long as they eat it. 

As we near to Monday morning I think I will likely have a real problem leaving her but to get a change of scenery and better focus on work, I know it’s the right thing to do.  Unless she is in obvious distress in which case who cares about work.  Momma comes first she is my family. 

I hope that we all have a better evening and that calm & relaxed are the theme of the evening, instead of worry, sadness and stress.

When I came home from being out she was sitting in the living room/kitchen just looking at me.  That was a nice site to see.  I know the days of her welcoming me at the door are pretty well gone.  I no longer look for her face in the window, that was the highlight of every day when it happened and it brought me such happiness.  Anyway, I opened a can of Tuna & Egg one of her favorites and she worked on it with some help from Marv.  She managed to sneak away while I was watching TV and then came back out.  She wanted attention and I picked her up carefully and placed her on the arm of the couch.  She got her ass on top of my arm, as per usual.  Then she just drifted off to sleep.  I didn’t want to move and I took times where I would put the TV on pause and just stare at her.  So many thoughts.  She was peaceful and I noticed that her breathing was slowing but she was doing a little bit of open mouth breathing.  I was wondering if she was slowly passing but nope, just napping.  It was stressful for her when I had to place her back on the floor. 

I came downstairs to do a load of laundry.  I was standing right in front of the machine when it stopped and there is in fact no signal emitted to indicate the wash is done.  I’m going to call on that next week but doubt there is anything that can/will be done about it.

My income taxes are filed.  I’m waiting for my federal refund before I pay my state as per usual.  I’m told to anticipate my refund in about 3 weeks.  That is some quick turn around.  Everything being done electronic, but I still print out paper copies in addition to storing the electronic copies.  So that’s one less thing I have to worry about, at least for now. 

I was able to do most of my chores yesterday so that I could maximize my relaxation on Saturday and spend time with Momma.  Dishes and Laundry were the main two things.  I even got my bed clothes washed, nothing like a freshly made bed.  I thought for sure that would help with my sleeping but nope, nothing doing!

I’m headed up in a bit to be with her and the others.  Eventually I will call it a day and we will drift off.  Tomorrow I need to hit up the grocery store and vacuum.  It’s Super Bowl Sunday but that doesn’t matter to me at all.  I don’t want her to die on me but this is a no win situation where I can’t rescue her or protect her.  I only wish I had a little more courage to be able to help her on her way.  I’ve never ever felt this way (conflicted) about a pet before, she is truly special to me and while I think that bounce back will be quick, I won’t be terribly surprised if it doesn’t happen like that.  I will still have her 2 beautiful kids but it won’t be the same with out momma, she is what made this house a home for me.  I cherish all of them and it will likely be just as hard when Marv or Gator’s times come.  I just hope that we only have to suffer 1 death this year and that no one follows her.  My family is fading before my eyes and it’s like my heart is being ripped out of my chest.  Sometimes one door has to close before another one opens.  I just want to go back to normal or some sense of it. 

Thanks for stopping by.  I wish I had better news and was more up beat but this is my life at the moment.  It’s not all sunshine and rainbows.  I do hope your world is much better.  If your into the Super Bowl, I hope that your team wins.  Cheers for now.