Last night I got a call from a friend of mine telling me that she was in the hospital. She couldn’t talk long because she was getting upset easily and was in for heart issues. She was crying at one point and had to end the call. I had dreams of her dying and was thinking about her even when I wasn’t awake. Needless to say it didn’t make for a productive nights sleep. I had enough I could have gone in but decided well, take one more day. Be lazy and enjoy the company of the cats.
I did the Doctor On Demand with my phone. The Dr. I spoke with didn’t want to give me antibiotics. She said that just because you see yellow flem it doesn’t mean there is an infection. Research proves it, she said. However, after we bantered back and forth, she called something in for me. She said wait 7 days and if your no better then take it. Oh, okay sure thing. Fuck that I started on the medicine right away. I don’t want this to linger – I want to get rid of it.
I also had to hit up the pharmacy for Lucky. There is a very hot short guy that works there. He is pumping iron and looking oh so fine. However, I saw a wedding ring so I didn’t even ask. Just got her medicine and left.
I saw a couple movies today. One of which was Father of The Year. It had Robin Williams in it. I couldn’t bring myself to watch it for a while because of Robin’s passing, it just didn’t seem right. However, it is a good film. If you recently lost someone probably best to watch it with a box of tissues. There is humor in it but there is also some profound sadness. It’s on Amazon Prime and NetFlix. Amazon isn’t playing well with me so I had to switch to NetFlix.
While my body may in fact be suffering from an infection, what I am dealing with is depression. It took me until just a few moments ago to realize that. I have no desire to do anything. No sex drive but if I see a cute guy I of course notice. I tried to talk myself into McDonald’s for lunch but decided it would be better to go home and eat something there. I wound up eating chips and drinking a soda. I had Lasagna and Chocolate Cake for supper, along with a couple more sodas. I just feel like I have done so much and kept going but the reality of things hasn’t changed. I am still all alone, the one person on earth that I loved more than anything or anyone is gone and not returning. While it sounds simple it is rather hard to wrap my mind around it. All I want to do is just die. People tell me that I look so happy when in reality inside I am not happy at all. Sure I have my moments and right now depression is winning. Tomorrow I have no choice I have to go back or I will screw up my holiday vacation. So while I will probably have another bought of depression as we get closer to the holidays I will somehow have to shake it off and keep on going. I can pretend and not focus on it but that only goes on for so long. So I realize I have a problem and staying home won’t make it go away. Going to work won’t make it go away. I just have to deal with it by trying to shake it off. It’s understandable to experience this with everything being still very new, in 4 more months I will be marking the 2 year anniversary of his passing. It still feels like yesterday!
My goals for this year were to get a new job and to get the house. I’ve accomplished both. Now I have to keep the new job and the house – the only way I know how by going to work, which is rather easy once you get into the routine, but once you stop well it’s hard as hell to get going again. I will get there, as I have no choice.
My goals for next year are to try to be happier, to build my savings and to get a guy. Not sure if I will succeed, but I have to try.
In other news I mailed a friend a copy of my book, I went out of my way to a post office that I know gives great turn around time. She still hasn’t gotten it yet. I am starting to wonder if it’s lost or if it’s on it’s way back to me because of postage. Ironically this is the same friend who is in the hospital. I knew I should have just driven it out to her but I took the lazy and much cheaper way out. I have put copies in the mail to a couple of other folks and thus far nothing has been returned. I have to presume that the mail is just slower right now because of the holiday and all of the greeting cards and packages floating in the system. Hopefully she gets it soon. I’d like to write another book just tossing around ideas for content. If you have any suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments.
Well it’s about time to go scoop the litter boxes and pass out treats – that is the one bad thing about being home. They all expect lunch and if I let them they would con me out of a snack as well. I tried to stay on the couch and not move as much as possible. If they think I am asleep or if they fall asleep they won’t beg me. Sneaky I know. I will miss them tomorrow but the show must go on. Not looking forward to it but hopefully it helps my mood and my health. Friday we are having a holiday party and they are shutting the office down. I really would prefer to just come home and relax. I am not one for socializing at work but it might just turn out to be a good time.
Say a prayer for me, better yet make it 2! Talk with you peeps later.
No comments:
Post a Comment