Sad Sunday :(

Just a way of saying how much I hate Monday’s.  I managed to sleep in my late partners bed.  I woke up and thought what a bad dream I had, then I looked around and reality set in.  Yeah, he is really gone.  That happens a lot but this morning it really felt real.  His room was just the way he would have kept it freezing cold.  I got under the blankets on my side and curled up.  I woke up sweating.  The only thing that I didn’t do is turn on the ceiling fan, he ran that damn thing year around.  I couldn’t stand it but he loved it. 

I rousted myself from bed, talked to the children that I fed hours ago.  They were hoping for a 2nd breakfast.  I told them it was time for me to eat and run to the store.  I did that and it felt awkward I wasn’t organized as I usually am.  I managed to get most of the the things that I will need to survive this week.   I didn’t really have any plans for supper – normally I plan something and treat myself but not today.  I did pick up a lottery ticket before I left so hopefully I will have the winner (crosses fingers).

Came home and put away the groceries.  Started back up on laundry.  Did some surfing on-line and recorded my purchases of groceries, medicine and gas.  Headed up stairs and had some Split Pea Soup for lunch.  Fed the children and called it an afternoon.  We watched Anger Management until I couldn’t take it any longer and had to take a nap.  TAZ jumped on me and decided to get in some cuddle time with dad.  He is so sweet and that was something so out of character for him.  We just got comfy and buzz there goes the damn work phone.  Some lady went out and got a tablet needed to put her e-mail on it.  We messaged back and forth for probably the better part of 30 minutes.  I did get to doze a little bit but not too much, which is actually a good thing for me.  Then I decided that I gave up and started back on work mode.

The trash has been prepared to go out tomorrow.  I got to vacuum my room.  Big Boy got a paper towel bath and brushing.  I cleaned my TV put away laundry and made the bed.  Shaved, took my medicine.  Had 2 frozen burritos for supper covered in Mild Taco Sauce with some Sour Cream and cheese.  Then finished off with ice cream and watched some TV.  I have gotten on Amazon today multiple times filled my cart and then just dumped it because well I don’t want to spend the money right now.  The kids need a new scratching post, they have waited this long another week or two won’t kill them.  So yeah that is pretty much the day.  I have already 1/2 prepared for tomorrow morning and will finish the other 1/2 in a little bit then I will be calling it a night. 

A week or so ago a friend of mine at work gave me an article that they took from Readers Digest about being happy and positive.  The gist of the article said to think of 3 things each day that you are thankful for from that day, they have to be unique.  Write them down each day and eventually it will change your mental attitude on life.  She knows my circumstances and is trying to tell me that I am in depression and it’s more than grief that I am going through.  Well lets put things in to perspective.  I lost the love of my life, the only man I have known for over 20 years who has been my rock.  I am trapped in a dead end job where I am not appreciated in words or in money by my boss.  My job seems to always be hanging by a thread and could go at a moments notice.  On top of all of that I have a sick cat at home, now I am responsible for paying a mortgage, taking care of an entire house, cleaning up and sorting out my partners belongings and managing my own life.   Plus there is the threat of losing my home and my cats.  Do you really think an experiment of journaling will help me with all of this going on?  Seriously.

I get the fact that no one wants to be around someone who is down all of the time.  The bad mood rubs off.  I’ve been there before.  I honestly don’t want to be that person.  I am not happy by nature.  I am not overly depressing by nature.  It kind of depends upon what is going on in my life that dictates my mood.  I can say that given everything I have been through this year I think I have a right to be a little pissed off and a little sad.  While I appreciate the article and the fact that you care for me, stop trying to change me and make me in to the person you want me to be.  I am me and I will NOT ever change for anyone else.  I have proven that I am capable of dealing with a lot more than I gave myself credit for, hell a lot more than anyone gave me credit for.  However, at the end of the day I have to live with myself and I don’t want to be a plastic person who walk around like a Barbie Doll with a fake smile and acting happy when I am miserable inside. 

In the words of Popeye the Sailor Man I am who I am.  I like Spinach, boys, electronic toys, cats and lots of other things.  No one can change me.  If you don’t like me for me well sorry what you see is what you get.  I try not to be too depressing at work but sometimes when you have the weight of the world on your shoulders it just gets to you.  I think if she were in my shoes she would really get it.

My hope for the remainder of the year is that I stay employed, get to enjoy my time off, and manage not to crack under pressure.  My hope for the coming year is that I will find a new job like it so much that it will help make me a happier person, especially when I look at my paycheck.  Find a man who I will love and who will love me.  That I can manage to keep this house and my animals.  That I can get a new car and get rid of a lot of shit around here.  Winning the lottery is always a dream and is welcome anytime the Good Lord wants to bless me.  Money won’t buy my happiness but it sure can make a lot of my problems disappear. 

I will be back again soon.  Stay warm and enjoy the ride!  Good Night to one and all!