Worry

I was so consumed with the city being after me, that I forgot to do the dishes and to take my medicine last night.  I got to bed late and had to sleep with out The Gator because she kept meowing.  She had been fed but I didn’t know what she wanted and I really needed to pass out.  I had given Ms. Gator her fluids and trimmed her nails.  She did okay all things considered. 

I woke this morning early and wanted to go back to bed.  I rolled out and fed Ms. Gator.  Then returned to bed and watched The Pink Panther and Ms. Gator came to join me.  We cuddled and I tried to get comfy hoping to go back to sleep but it just wasn’t in the cards. 

I finally got up, got dressed and went out for breakfast and to the grocery store.  I had a tall, hot and young waiter.  He is relatively new and while I wanted to hit on him considering how my luck has been I opted to keep my thoughts to myself but that didn’t stop me from eyeing him up and down. 

I kept going over possible solutions in my head for this city issue.  While I have a pretty good idea what the complaint is, fact is I won’t know for sure until I get the letter and read it.  I thought about trying to fix things myself but I am also long over due for some bush trimming so I called up the landscaper guy who trimmed my trees earlier this year.  He is going to come out this afternoon and give me an estimate.  Whatever he quotes me will be a thousand times better than if I just buried my head and let the city take care of the issue.  I hope that he is reasonable like he was with trimming the trees and that he can act quickly.  Earlier in the year I was on a waiting list and right now I need to address whatever the issue is quickly.  Laws are in play and they don’t give the owner much time for remediation.  I may however get the city to work with me and delay things a bit but I won’t hold my breath on that one. 

This is another time where I feel so alone and isolated, as if I don’t matter to anyone.  I know that if someone needs something from me then I suddenly matter.  Couple this with the pain of the losses I have endured over the past years and it’s no wonder why I want to take a long walk off of a short cliff and just bring an end to things.  I read an article recently on suicide awareness and the medical professional said that people often don’t really want to die they just want the pain they are experiencing to stop.  That is more of where I am coming from.  However, the solution of ending it all is a bit like throwing the baby out with the bath water.  I have to keep saying to myself this too shall pass.  Trying to enjoy today without thinking about tomorrow seems like an impossible task.  All I can do is worry at the moment, something I am really good at.  It solves nothing but it’s just apart of who I am. 

On a different note I watched 20/20 the 2 hour special last night that aired on Friday about 9/11.  The first part was all about pain and recounting of what happened.  The second part was about all of the kids who have grown up without knowing both of their parents.  They are still youngsters but in their late teens or early twenty's.  The while thing just made me want to cry it was sadness although the second hour had a positive spin on it, this is one of those things that is totally impossible to talk about without experiencing some sadness.  Everyone has problems and everyone is going through something but we are mostly caught up in ourselves and our world.  We don’t take others into consideration enough.  It was amazing to see that a couple of the kids looked exactly like their father or mother who had passed.

Onward to the dishes and house work while I sit and wait for time to tick by and the landscaping guy to show up.  Every problem has a solution but sometimes the solutions are both painful and expensive.  Cheers!

Trouble looming

I chose to spend today as any typical Saturday, lounging and loafing with Gator. I did have to remove her last night from the bedroom because she kept waking me up. I got clawed up on one of my wrists pretty good. That’s kind of my fault for not trimming her claws, plus the way I was holding her. Then again, I wasn’t fully awake, I did realize I was injured but knew that I wasn’t gushing blood so I just went back to bed.

Gator is still on ½ of a pill I thought I might be jumping the gun. I don’t want to confuse her body by going back to a full pill if I don’t have to. Her appetite has increased but she is still making solid waste and scarfing down a good portion of what I put down. She also still eats left overs if it strikes her fancy. Outside of the slight uptick in appetite I am less inclined to go back to a full for the moment. If I do make the change, it will be permanent because you don’t want to play with steroid dosage regardless if it’s a human or animal.

I was up at my normal 7a time but really didn’t want to be. I thought about getting out and being productive and that is a voice I should have listened to. I say that now in past tense because there was a surprise lurking for me in my mailbox. I’m in trouble with my local municipality and have a certified letter waiting for me. Good news rarely (if ever) comes by certified mail. I’ve got all sorts of ideas as to what is in the letter. I won’t know for sure until I pick it up and that won’t be until Monday. I did some quick research and most likely I will have 5 days to fix whatever issue is in the letter, otherwise things get worse. However, I won’t know that for certain until I read the letter. It would be nice if this just somehow happened to be good news, but that is not my expectation. My hope is that this is over the grass only because of two reasons. First, it’s already been taken care of. Second because I can place blame even though I am ultimately responsible because I am the property owner. If it’s anything else I will have to call someone and hope that they can act in a swift manner and that it doesn’t cost me much. I’m not looking for trouble or to become adversarial with my local city government. You can’t fight city hall and I certainly don’t want to be on their list. I’ve never had any trouble with them before but it’s safe to say that I have made plenty of enemies with the multiple grass contractors I have been through. I am ready to fire the current guy because he is doing a shitty job, trying to overcharge me and billing me for services he hasn’t performed. In short, I am babysitting him and having to call him out otherwise he would screw me over and not in a good way. I just need to make it through this year and then next year I can start fresh with a new person. We are so close to mowing season being over with that it’s not worth making a change now, plus finding someone would be next to impossible. I do hope that whatever the issue is with the city that it’s minor, fixable and I can get off of their list of problem children.

It’s safe to say between home, work and whatever the city wants I have more than a full plate. Seems like Murphy rears his ugly head when I get a little bit of money and he always seems to take it away from me. I just want to live my life and be left alone when it comes to trouble and problems. I am ready to get rid of this black cloud that is looming over me.

After I finish up playing personally on the computer, I have some work to take care of. Then it will be upstairs where it will be time to trim Gators nails and give her some fluids. Of course, I will still have to get in her pill but those two events will be stressful enough for her. I’d like to knock all 3 out at the same time but don’t know if she or I for that matter will be up for that.

I know that today is a day that America remembers and reflects on annually. I can’t believe it’s been 20 years, still feels very much like yesterday to me. I know the pain is still very real for those that were there that day and most everyone can tell you where they were when this tragedy occurred. I think we have come a long way since the day the attack took place but there is still much work to be done. Perhaps one day there will be peace on earth or something reasonably close to it. I don’t expect to see that in my lifetime.

In other news today is my vehicles birthday, 4 years old. Sadly, my factory warranty expires today. I got the full 4 years out of it but if it weren’t for COVID mileage would have long made it void. Thankfully I have an aftermarket warranty to fall back on but that too is only good for one additional year. My plan if all is right is to buy a new vehicle next year at or about this time. That will depend on a lot of factors but I do hope that it’s in the cards for me, I also hope that my present vehicle holds up and doesn’t start to give me any trouble. It’s been solid, outside of gobbling up tires and it’s also saved my life a few times. To say that I feel a bond with the vehicle is an understatement. In many ways I am ready to get rid of it but I also want to hold on to it because the cost of insurance is down and continues to drop, the same is true for the balance on the loan. Unfortunately, I am still paying on it but there is an end in sight.

I know that a little rain must fall into everyone’s life from time to time. What I don’t understand is why my life seems to be a constant monsoon. I can’t think of anything I did to deserve the problems that I seemingly have to keep fighting off but they say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I feel some strength but I also feel very tired and abused. Romeo, Romeo for where art thou Romeo?

Hope you are having a great weekend. Take care and we will see where this train ride takes us.

Going backwards

Ms. Gator’s new dose of medicine has kicked in and I see an increase in her hunger.  She is still eating food but I get woken up a bit more.  She also seems confused when I leave a room as if I just disappeared into thin air.  That would be a great trick but unfortunately I am not a magician. 

I am not real happy about where things are at and unless there is some radical shift today, I plan to resume a full dose of medicine to her tonight and just stick with that.  The whole dose was working but seemed a bit hard on her kidneys.  Since I am giving her fluids now once a week perhaps that will give some help to the kidneys. 

My sinking feeling of this isn’t going to end well is also back and I want it to go away.  I don’t need a lot to get by but I’ve got to have my Gator.  Something tells me that I might not get the 2 years I am hoping for but if that is the case it certainly won’t be for a lack of trying. 

Work is frustrating and I am glad in more ways than one today is Friday.  2 days of peace & quiet, even if I do have to do some work over the weekend I don’t have to deal with anyone. 

Here’s hoping today and the weekend is great for all of us!  Take care.

Rolling along

Back to normal here … W.E.S. (Work, Eat, Sleep).  I’ve dug out of the majority of the backlog from being on vacation for a week.  There is a report that I need to do, which I always put off until the last minute.  I used to be more motivated and proactive but that was then and this is now.  Pressure seems to be back on high speed with do this, no do that, but get them both done.  Plus my little WFH debacle with HR and the Doctor have me a bit on edge.  I really just want to either go back on vacation or quit.  I even bought a lottery ticket but didn’t have one number. 

Gator is doing okay at the moment.  She seems a little dehydrated but I will be filling her up with fluids in a couple days.  I will be glad when the weekend gets here just to be able to lay around and not care about anything.

Back to the fun.  Hope all is well in your world!

Downstairs all day

I returned to nothing short of a nightmare and worked the bulk of the day doing clean up for things that someone else should have taken care of while I was out.  Lots of things fell through the cracks, including the daily report I talk about.  Apparently it wasn’t all that important so while I was out it was okay to not do it.  Now that I am back it has to be done.  I don’t get the double standard, but whatever!

I got paperwork from HR for my doc to complete.  They need it back in 10 days.  As if that is going to happen.  Were in the middle of a pandemic and garnering my doctors attention right now is difficult at best.  However, I passed the documents along with the deadline.  I know that if he doesn’t comply within the timeframe they need, my request will automatically be denied and they will remove the temporary allowance.  Kind of silly because regardless of what they say approved or not, I have no plans to go back until the spread of the virus slows.  I suspect this will all come together and my feathers are ruffled for no reason but I am still pissed that they just don’t say it’s okay, work from home instead of involving the governmental process it seems insane because it’s well within their power to just permit this instead of the extra effort & stress they are putting us through.  

Gator has asked for me to come up a couple times.  I was up at lunch and to take some bathroom breaks.  She is a little upset with all of the time I have spent in the basement but she isn’t going hungry.  I have ensured that she is eating well.  She woke me up 3 different times in the middle of the night.  I woke her up once by accident because I didn’t know she was in bed and I rolled over and hit her with my hand. 

I didn’t go out for that burger I wanted last night.  Instead I just finished off the left over pizza.  I ate it cold so there was no chance that I would do further damage to the roof of my mouth.  Now I am back to wondering what I will have tonight.  Small mystery because whatever it is will be coming out of the freezer. 

I am beyond tired today with all of the work I did.  I haven’t worked that hard or long at work in quite sometime.  I guess I should sleep really well tonight.  I am all too happy to just get away from the computer and turn on the TV.  Hopefully, my phone stays quiet but I am not on-call until next week. 

Hope you had a great day.  Talk with you all again soon!

Happy Labor Day

I hope that you are enjoying the holiday and what is the last hurrah for many of us until Thanksgiving.  Hard to believe that will be here in 2 months.  This year as most of last year is much of a blur to me, especially with working from home. 

Ms. Gator is doing a bit better with her food.  I managed to find some new flavors that aren’t carried at the pet food store but are available at my local grocery store.  To say she is happy is an understatement.  The 1/2 of a pill is a bit harder to get her to take and I got clawed last night more than once.  The idea of me opening her mouth for any reason just doesn’t appeal to her.  Unlike her brothers who got used to it quickly.  She did have me up in the middle of the night and I wanted to remove her from the bed room but gave her the benefit of the doubt and she came in and curled up in her own bed.  Never bothered me again.  I was up for a couple hours thanks to my insomnia and way too much on my mind. 

I did manage to get up at 9a and checked in on the mobile app for a seat at Cracker Barrel.  The wait was 5 minutes but they were quoting 30 minutes when I showed up.  They took 2 or 3 people before me but I got seated very quickly.  It did take a bit longer for service & food but they were mighty busy.  I got a seat by the door and I got to people watch.  Saw a lot of fine gentlemen!

Made it to the grocery store and didn’t think I would spend that much, especially since I wasn’t buying soda.  However, the total was a bit more than I had planned on.  What made it worth it was the guy behind me in line.  Damn he was super fine.  Muscles and a small waist.  I was ready to ask him out and even pay for his small amount of groceries but instead I just moved on. 

Fueled up the tank which cost me $25 but that’s not horrible considering the travel I was able to do from the last full tank.  I was getting 25mpg which is really good for a mid-sized SUV. 

Working on laundry.  Got my paperwork put away and even managed to write a couple letters.  I am headed out to mail them.  I really wanted to grab a burger but honestly I don’t want to travel that far from home nor spend the $$.  This vacation has proved to be costly with the tire as well as my Gator issues.  I feel a bit stressed in the money department but I am still in very good shape. 

Talked with my boss on a question he had.  Never bothered to login or try to get caught up.  I figure I give them enough time that I shouldn’t bother to login on my day off to help head off the hell that tomorrow will bring.  I will just be a busy guy and probably a bit stressed. 

The trash company called to tell me they would be a day late in picking up.  I still have a good mind to put the trash out on the normal day just because last time I didn’t I got skipped.  I can’t afford for that to happen again. 

Looking forward to eating my left over pizza, spending some time with Gator and relaxing one last night before heading back to working from home.  All in all not too bad of a day.  I need to get moving though before time gets away from me. 

Take care and I will talk with you again soon.  Thanks as always for your visit! 

Weekend catchup post

SATURDAY

I did sleep in a little bit and was a bit lazy and loafed around watching TV and spent time with Ms. Gator. I eventually got up and had something to eat, showered and got dressed. I tackled the two tasks that I really wanted to accomplish. The first was getting the hose reel in the garage and putting the hose on it. That was super easy. The second was replacing the GFCI outlet. That was difficult and I was quite sweaty but I accomplished it. Not exactly sure who built this place but from the day we moved in to present there has always been some interesting surprises. Not sure who wired this outlet but it looks to me like they did a horrible job. My electrician passed away (referring to my late spouse) so I can’t ask him for sure but from my take it looked sloppy. I was amazed that I actually replaced the outlet, tested and confirmed it worked. It’s still active and the GFCI has yet to trip. The outlet isn’t fully mounted in the wall, that still needs to be done and the cover put back on. I was out of steam and just said I’ll put that on the list of things to do (someday). No one comes in contact with it but me and there isn’t any liquid near by so I feel reasonably safe with my decision.

I had to shut the power off to the whole house because I didn’t know which breaker served the outlet and I am not as brave as my late spouse to work on a live circuit. Gator was highly upset and we got into it. I hit her gently with my shirt and that scared her and also made her quite angry with me. It took hours to get her to calm down and earn my trust. She ran to the basement at one point and that’s where we were able to make up. I carried her up the stairs and feeling that she was about to start squirming with those claws in my bare chest I knew it was best to put her back on the steps. Then I passed out some food and all was forgiven. You’re not supposed to hit a cat and I felt bad but I acted in anger because she wouldn’t shut up. She didn’t want anything but to raise hell with me for being out in the garage for so long and neglecting her, plus all of the UPS (uninterruptable power supplies) beeping along with the alarm panel probably drove her a bit crazy.

I had cooled off and time got away from me. I put on a fresh shirt and headed out to grab a bite to eat. I opted for Red Lobster. I had a car on my ass and got confused and turned a bit early. The quickest way to get to the road I needed to be on is to cut through a local college campus. It’s a mammoth place and if you don’t know where you’re going you can get lost. That marks the second time I got lost on that campus. I had to turn around and enter from the way am used to in order to get going. That added about 15 minutes time to my trip. I started yawning when I was about ½ way there and that’s not something I do typically when I am behind the wheel. When I got there, I was surprised that there was a long waiting line. I checked in and waited a half hour for a table. Everyone was a bit confused as to why it was taking so long because there were plenty of open tables but that is because of COVID and having to space everyone out, plus they were probably short staffed as most places are these days. As I was entering the last 15 minutes of my time in line, a guy named Charlie walked in. He looked like he could be a Good Time Charlie and we could have had some fun, if it wasn’t for the fact that he was with his girlfriend and her parents. He didn’t want to sit next to me but eventually his girlfriend insisted that he sit down. I liked watching him regardless. He was smart and checked in on the app so his wait time was much shorter than mine, plus there was a larger party. My cell phone has lousy reception there and while I got the text message that I was on the waiting list, I didn’t get the text for when my table was ready, which caused the host to start verbally paging me. Then there was confusion because they thought for some strange reason there were two of us when there was just me. It took another 10 minutes for a waitress to take my order. I was a bit scared of ordering alcohol because I know it makes me sleepy and I was tired as it was. However, I threw caution to the wind and placed my normal order. Enjoyed the Pina Colada even though there was no Pineapple garnish. It was quite refreshing. It was lacking in TLC in that you could tell whoever made it rushed through it. Still, it was good just not as good as normal.

When I finished up and settled the check, I returned to my vehicle only to find that it was pouring rain. That wasn’t terribly fun to drive in but I made it. Some people feel the need to drive faster when it rains but I am not one of those people. I don’t drive much slower than normal unless it’s a monsoon, which it was not. Just a steady rain for a few miles. It would stop and then I would run back into it again as I wound my way home.

I walked in the door and there was my Gator greeting me and happy to see me. Of course, she wanted more food, which I happily passed out. I had bigger plans for last night in getting tasks done around the house but I was really exhausted between the heat and the frustration of working on the outlet it just zapped the life out of me. I spent the evening with Gator watching TV.

Bed time approached rather quickly as you would imagine. I gave Gator the benefit of the doubt but knew that she would turn into a pest as soon as I was in slumber land. I was right and had to remove her from the room. Then I fell back asleep.

SUNDAY

I woke up at 7a but managed to get back to sleep for a bit longer. It was a little after 9a when I rolled out of bed and she was right outside the door waiting on me and happy to see me. I knew that she wouldn’t be terribly happy with me eventually because today was vet visit day. I prepared her as much as I could in advance. I brought out the carrier and she is so nosy and curious that she had to go climb into it. Would she do that when it was time to leave, of course not. I had to fight with her to get her loaded up. I almost forgot her stool sample, which was in the fridge of all places. I did wind up forgetting my phone but we were pulling out of the driveway when I realized it and just opted to keep on going.

We got another freezer for an exam room but it wasn’t the same one as last time. There is good and bad. So, she has lost weight, ounces and not pounds. The vet said that she was dehydrated and that could account for the weight loss. I expressed some concern for her kidneys because she has had a couple times where it looked like she had fluids based on her urine output. The pred will make her kidneys work harder and that of course will contribute to a shorter life. That’s the bad and good. Based on the documentation I got for the visit it seems as if the vet is still on the fence to say if this is IBD or if it’s Lymphoma but she didn’t express that concern when she was in the room. I don’t like those little surprises. However, I still feel like my time with Gator is limited and that she may not make it the full 2 years that I am hoping. I am thinking we are down to months but that is based on what my gut is telling me. I don’t have the feeling like I did a couple weeks ago where it would be imminent in losing her that day. I talked with the vet about decreasing the pred and she said we can try a ½ of a pill to see how she tolerates that. I now also have to give her fluids once a week to help her kidneys. I’ve done the fluids routine before and am not afraid of it at all. My wallet wasn’t prepared for the cost but hey it is what it is. A bag of fluids for Momma 2 years ago was $55 and that was just for the bag. Now they sell the same thing for $65 but they include the IV catheter and don’t sell it separately. I tried to talk them out of that but it didn’t work. Needles are $1.65 per needle and the vet wants me to use a new one each time. I’ve had that speech before but I have also been told you can use the same needle more than once since it’s the same cat. Confused, yeah, I know. I have used the same needle two or three times. When fluid won’t flow out of it that is when I changed it. Not certain as to what I will do this time.

We weren’t in and out as fast as I would have liked but it was considerably faster than last time when we camped out for hours on end. This was also much simpler just checking to see how she was progressing rather than trying to chase down a problem. I got her home and she bolted out of the cage. We don’t have to return until 1 month from now. I booked a Saturday appointment and changed vets, just to see if I get a different opinion or vibe.

She is back to not eating all of her food, it’s been that way for a day. She still eats the meat but she still loves the gravy. The pet food store didn’t have a super wide variety so I was limited on flavors I could get her. I am going to pick up some additional cans in different flavors at the store tomorrow. I am a bit concerned that we are slowly on the path to return to the path we were on with rapid food consumption all the time and no ability to satisfy the hunger. However, she is still making solid waste so perhaps it’s just a flavor thing or so I hope. I don’t want to go backwards with her I want to move forward – it’s all about positive progress.

I have given her fluids and she was a bit squirmy with me, which her siblings & mother acted in the same manor. The odd thing about the fluids is you have to pinch the skin to give it time to clot, if you don’t some but not all of the fluid will leak out. I really wish it was an injection instead of an IV drip. One horrible task down. The other one will be her pill, which she still fights me on but is doing a great job of taking.

I took care of the normal house work, dishes are going and so is the laundry. Gator is resting in her new cat bed on the couch and she looks so cute and comfortable in it. I am glad that she likes it.

In typing all of this out I just have this overwhelming sadness about her that I am watching her die a slow death. She is 17 and I keep reminding myself of that all the time. That is old for a cat and I am blessed that she has made it this far and with minimal trips to the vet. Time is not on our side anymore and coming to terms with that isn’t easy. I can’t imagine life without her. Like I mentioned earlier I know that I am most likely going to have to make the call eventually to end her life and that decision seems so wrong to be in my hands. I am qualified to do a lot of things but ending a life isn’t one of them. It has a great psychological and moral effect on me. It just feels so wrong even though in many cases it is the right call to make. I cherish every moment I have with her. I only hope that I can be more adept at interpreting her needs and wants so that I can keep her as comfortable as possible. There is no obvious pain but I do wonder sometimes when she cries if it’s not pain but I am mistaking it for old age and being lost or confused. I can only see life through my eyes and not in hers. In many ways I wish that I was able to see life from her eyes. Animals do not know death; they have no fear and that is not true for humans. As for now we just keep on marching to the beat of the drum with fluids once per week, the lower dose of medicine and hope & pray for the best. I do really wish that I wasn’t alone that is part of what makes this all the more difficult to deal with, but it’s not like I had the thought that death would some how bypass Gator. While I don’t want to live without her, I know that she would be unable to survive long term without me. Therefore, it is my prayer, wish and desire that she go before I do. I am fortunate in that I get to be with her 24/7 and don’t have to leave for work. I like the fact that she is more tolerant now of my being in the basement and that I don’t have to stick to her like glue. I can also take a shower in peace, that is comforting and refreshing. Hopefully, this new combo of treatment will work for her long term and maybe, just maybe I will get the 2 years out of her that I am hoping for.

Moving on from depression city, my plans for tomorrow are to hopefully wake up early get some breakfast out, hit up the grocery store, gas up the vehicle. Maybe step out for a burger or maybe stay home. Try to weed out some junk/spam email at work and get myself psyched up for the hell that is about to hit me on Tuesday when I return for what I am certain of will be a very painful and labor-intensive day if not week. Busy makes the day go by but crazy busy is what I am hoping to avoid. I don’t want to quickly burn out. The break was nice, not long enough nor what I had anticipated. I was fortunate in that I was left alone no one bothered me. I reached out to talk with a co-worker mid-week because I saw someone high profile left. I thought they were fired but found out that they instead resigned, which was sad but a little more comforting. I also will return to working with HR on my accommodation to continue working from home, really not looking forward to that at all. Governmental political bullshit is something I have no tolerance for because it boils down to stupidity and that just frustrates me to no end and I do quickly lose my temper. I am eager for the weekend to get here again but sadly it will only be a two day pause. Kind of nice to have one last day in my time away before returning. Today feels much like a Saturday instead of a Sunday.

I did almost forget to mention that I left and went for a pizza this afternoon. I tried a new super thin crust and hated it because they made it too thin. The cheese, pepperoni & sausage was all good but way too hot and I now have to wait for the skin to regenerate on the roof of my mouth. I burnt it pretty good and more than once. That will teach me to switch things up, back to deep dish it is. Costs more, you get less but it is so good and quite filling! The drive was nice and I only saw one police car that was on the side of the road with a semi-truck. I thought that to be abnormal with this being a holiday weekend. Sometimes I go and there are lots of police but mostly it’s sparse and you see a couple here and there and then there are other times when you don’t encounter any at all. I had a joker pull out in front of me as I was leaving the pizza place, we got on the same route and then I watched them drive even worse, I put some distance between us and they were no longer a problem or threat to me. I didn’t see them wreck but the thought of having another accident even if it wasn’t my fault was frightening. I’ve been through enough with my automobile and certainly don’t want to be in another accident anytime soon.

I do hope that you had a great weekend and that you will enjoy the extra day off. Perhaps get together with family/friends or maybe you’ll just chill at home. Wishing all the best for you! Take care and we shall talk again soon. Thanks for stopping by!

Day 6 - The Miracle

I was able to get some sleep and wake up at a reasonable hour. From the best that I can tell Gator had stomach issues last night that is what kept me awake. She seems pretty well back to her normal self. I gobbled down some breakfast and fed her. Then it was a scramble to get dressed and get out of here. I was in search of a miracle for my tire problem.

I did my research and knew that while I had a road hazard warranty with my tires, sadly curbing your vehicle doesn’t count as a road hazard. I drove to the body shop where I got the tires to see what could be done. The guy called in a favor with a local tire store. They have someone fetching a tire and I am waiting for a call. When that call comes in, I will drive to the tire store and they will replace the one tire and do a 4-wheel alignment. This of course is all coming out of my pocket. I asked about just replacing the one tire and the guy told me that the tires still look brand new and unless I had put on 10 thousand miles on them, which I haven’t I shouldn’t have any problems. Today being that last week day before a holiday I figured the chances of pulling this off would be slim but better to try and fail then to not try at all.

From what it sounds like thus far I appear to have my miracle. Not the way I want to spend my last day off and I certainly don’t want to shell out more money but sidewall tire damage isn’t something to fool with. The structural integrity of the tire is compromised and it’s just a matter of time before it blows. Sidewall damage can never be repaired regardless of how minor it may appear. The best and safest bet is to replace the tire. Here’s hoping that this doesn’t set me back too much and there is no additional damage uncovered when the repair work is done.

I did have other things that I wanted to do today but I have set them aside and put the day on hold because of the car. It’s nice to have that flexibility but I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything with my time away. Perhaps in the next few days things will change but being the pessimist that I am, I don’t think that will be likely.

While I am waiting for the phone call, my new keyboard [that I ordered] for work arrived and I had to sign for it. At least I was in place for that. It’s okay, doesn’t really have the tactile feel to it that I expected but it’s not a gaming keyboard, just made by a gaming keyboard company. I still have time if I change my mind and want to return it. However, that will probably cost me something in shipping, it’s not like Amazon where you just print a label and drop it off.

The phone call came at 2p and I went to the tire shop. They took care of me and this wasn’t cheap but at least I have peace of mind and confidence back. I wasn’t kept waiting more than 45 minutes. The alignment was dead on accurate, still despite the curbing. When I got home, I looked over the paper work and there was a note about the left rear tire that there was excessive wear and that should be looked into. Funny no one said anything to me. I chalked it up to whatever but it kept eating at me. I went back and found out that the guy who did the scan shakes (as do I) and that causes off readings. I was assured my tires were fine. They showed me the tool that they use, it’s just a hand-held scanner with a laser beam in it. You drag it across the top of the tire and it determines tread depth. While I was assured it still leaves me with an odd feeling.

Since I had to go back to the tire shop, the place that I wanted to eat at was close by. I wasn’t hungry but stopped in and ate anyway. A very handsome waiter showed up so I got to look at him, which was very nice.

After eating it was off to the pet food store. I picked up food and saw a cute pet bed that was on sale. I figured why not get it. I can put it on the couch and that should make Gator more comfortable. I got lucky because she likes it. She looks so cute in it. Might as well make her as comfortable as possible!

I sat and waited for the lawn guy to show up. It was 6:30p and normally he is at my place by now. I gave him a call and had to leave a message. It took a bit but I got a call back. He said that he would cut it tonight and it was every bit of 7:15p when he showed up. The sun had set and it was starting to get dark out. I could see a couple spots where he should have gone over again but hell, I am just thankful that the bastard finally showed up and did his job. 3 weeks is not what we agreed on but hopefully (crosses fingers) we are back on track now.

I did make a quick trip out to the post office while I was waiting on him to show up. I had a problem submitting a prescription rebate and a form was mailed to me, I wanted to knock that task out tonight so that I could be closer to getting the rebate.

It sure has been an emotional couple of weeks around here. I feel like I have tackled all of the demons that have shown up. The only real outstanding issue that I should probably deal with is my friend and how he made me feel. I’ve been wanting to cut him loose for a while now because this isn’t the first occasion when I have felt like I was a bother and he was tolerating me. I just don’t have that cozy comfort feeling that I should have with a friend. Sure, when a cat passes away that feeling is there but outside of that and getting together for the holidays there is no real cozy feeling. I’m sure if I opted to deal with it, he would just apologize and tell me that it was all in my head and I was paranoid or maybe that he just had a lot going on. He did just retire but he has taken on some other tasks that will keep him just as busy as if he was working. I don’t get it but whatever. Perhaps in time I will feel differently but I really don’t think so since this odd feeling has been lingering for a couple years now. Additionally, he doesn’t call or reach out to me, I am always the one calling him. I think that friends call each other it’s not a one way street. Somethings are better off left unsaid and I think avoiding this is for the best. Sure, I won’t get resolution and I will still feel bad but biting my tongue rather than stir up a potential hornet’s nest is probably best. Poke the bear and you never know what you might get. It does suck that I feel this way and was treated so poorly on my birthday of all days.

It doesn’t look like I am going to get to tackle the painting task right now. It’s supposed to rain all day tomorrow. Sunny on Sunday & Monday. Sunday is Gator’s Day at the vet. Monday is a day that I will either be trying to play catch up at work to get ahead or it will be a day that I am trying to psych myself up for going back. Normal working life resumes on Tuesday and right now I’m just not ready for that. Thankfully I still have a few days.

I hope that I gain some momentum and ambition to get some house work done tomorrow. I do feel like I want to go for a very long drive. I want pizza for sure but not 100% on making the hike to the place I normally visit. I kind of feel like I want to go further and maybe in a different direction. Sure, going for a drive might be nice but all of my remaining problems will be right here waiting for me. Gator does a lot of sleeping now, she seems more tolerant of me getting away. I can spend time in the basement and I don’t get much of a fuss out of her but eventually she will start crowing. I really hope that she picked up some weight or at the very least hasn’t lost any weight. Outside of the stomach issue she seemed to have last night everything is otherwise back to normal with her. I don’t think she fully realizes all of the worry and the emotional rollercoaster that I have been on then again maybe she does. I’m just looking for positivity or good things to happen. I am so done with the negative and the bad! I’m not sure what I have done to deserve the seemingly black cloud that likes to follow me around. I’d like to shake loose from that for a couple years or longer if possible. Did you every try to outrun a cloud? It’s an impossible task.

This closes out the five-day work week.  It went by fast as I knew it would.  Thanks for stopping by. Talk with you again soon.

Day 5 - The Birthday

I sat around for most of the day just watching TV and relaxing. Of course, I tended to her Majesty’s needs. I got the trash ready in the afternoon and also decided to put some air in my tires. That’s when the day went negative. I curbed my car on Wednesday, while I didn’t see any obvious damage there was in fact damage. One of the tires had sidewall damage, it appears minor and the tire is still holding air. In fact, all of my tires were about 2 pounds shy from normal and I got them all aired up to normal. I found some Gorilla Glue in the house and used that to help put a temporary patch on the tire. It was late in the afternoon and getting close to time for me to leave. I thought about cancelling and once again I should have listened to that little voice.

I drove to my friend’s house and made it there fine. I got to see the remodel work that was done and it looks really nice. Almost like it’s a whole new house. My friend seemed rushed and like he really didn’t want to be bothered with me, as if this whole birthday dinner idea was a bad idea. However, since he commuted, we went through with it. We shuffled off to the restaurant and knowing that my car had damage he still insisted that I drive to the restaurant and meet him and his wife there. Fine.

We had dinner, I got lasagna and honestly, I have had way better. It was okay but nothing to rave about. Desert was Bananas Foster and that was superb, I’ve never had it prepared better. Dinner was done he started playing on his phone, left to use the restroom and when he came back, he insisted that it was time to go. I saw what he spent on dinner and it was truly overpriced. I would rather have had the money so that I could have bought a writing instrument, at least I would have gotten more joy out of that than I did this get together. I spent my time talking mostly to his wife, which I feel really close to her and less close to him. In any event I told her that I felt that he was rushing things and she said no he’s been looking forward to this. He had a phone call that he needed to take care of some personal business later in the evening and that was likely the cause for him being so dismissive. I wasn’t invited back to the house when we left, he made it clear that I needed to go my own way but not in words in action and the vibe that he was giving off.

That’s when my old friend depression crept up and I felt so alone and as if he really wasn’t a friend after all. Look I have been on the fence about our friendship for a while. It seems like ever since he was able to purchase the one asset that my spouse left behind that wasn’t of use to me, it’s as if he has no use for me. As I was driving home, I kept thinking that it would probably be for the best if I just drop him as a friend. While I am not going to communicate anything I think that I will just be unavailable to get together for whatever the holiday or reason is. Eventually we will drift apart and that will be that. They are my only outlet to talk to about whatever but after the way I was made to feel I really don’t want to feel as if I am a burden or charity case to them, like I am some sort of community service project.

It will be hard to follow through with my plan if something happens to Insty. She of course started acted wonky and kept me up for a good portion of the evening. Making me question my decision. As I have said before I know that she is old and she isn’t going to last forever, it will be hard enough to lose her but it will be even harder knowing that there isn’t anyone to talk to. When that time comes.

I’m pretty down as if that isn’t obvious. I am so sick of depression and the problems that life continues to deal to me that I just want it all to end so there will be no more pain, suffering or worry. I feel no purpose to go on, other than to care for my cat. For now, I am sticking around.

It wasn’t a very happy birthday for me but it also wasn’t the worst birthday ever. I wanted to give myself time away thinking that in retrospect my feelings would change or I would see things differently but sadly time didn’t really do much for me and I feel much the same now as I did last night.

Fifty Years ago on this day

September 2, 1971 a day that I will never forget. It was the day I was born and that was fifty years ago today. I was supposed to be adopted. A wealthy couple was in line to get me but my mother’s mom saw me and because I had red hair that changed everything! In the blink of an eye, I went from being brought up by a wealthy family to a middle-class family with average income. My mom’s father was so excited that I was being born that he backed into a telephone pole at the hospital when parking his car. That’s a story that I was reminded about over the years growing up. I’m glad that I was raised by family and got to meet other relatives over the years. I do wish that I wasn’t physically & mentally abused and I also wish that my father had the guts to stick around and marry my mom, so that I could have had a more normal childhood. My grandmother was my savior and she ensured that I had most of the things I wanted and was comfortable. While my grandparents would be older than dirt today I kind of wish they were around to see how I turned out, I know that they would be proud. They may not have been comfortable with my sexuality but absent that I don’t think they would have any complaints. They both did a great job raising me and my brother. I know they tried the same with their daughter (my mom) but she was a flower child and fell into the wrong crowd. It wasn’t their fault.

When I look back as to how the world was then compared to now it does seem that it was a much simpler time. There for sure was no internet or technology around, landlines & pay phones were your methods for voice communication. People focused more on their families versus today where everyone has to be on their cell phone while they eat and people don’t really have family dinner every night like they used to and there isn’t near the level of communication and closeness that existed “back in the day”. 

I think everyone sees a lot during their lifetime. Thus far I have been through countless deaths, been to probably two dozen weddings, ate at restaurants that are no longer in business today, worked a number of jobs, received exactly two speeding tickets and one verbal warning, been in seven accidents (two of which occurred when I was a child and wasn’t driving), spent a lot more money than I have managed to save and the list goes on. I have felt every emotion that one can possibly experience, made mistakes and learned from them as well as gained a lot of knowledge. I’ve made it out of some impossible situations and overcome obstacles that I never thought I would. In short, I’ve kind of amazed myself.

I always knew I was different from others from a very young age. First it was my hair color and I was teased about that for years. It wasn’t until I was in my teenage years that I started to love having red hair. Second was my ability to learn and the fact that I didn’t progress in grade school as all of the other kids did. I was labeled as “LD” or Learning Disabled. There were other kids exactly like me but it took some time before our paths would cross. Basically, I needed more individualized attention than any teacher afforded me. I was told that it was possible to grow out of it but when I started High School I was in a mix of regular and LD classes, that continued until I graduated High School. That caused me to despise education and is the reason why I never went on to college or any higher learning. I’ve pretty well snapped out of it by now. I found that if I am truly interested in something I can soak up knowledge like a sponge. That’s how I managed to get into Technology and gained all of my knowledge on my own by reading, watching TV and of course hands-on real-world experience. People refer to this as self-taught. While I am not a lucky person, in this area I managed to really clean up and put myself into an upward moving career that pays well. Third was my sexuality and that was the biggest obstacle to overcome as far as growing up is concerned. You have to love yourself and be comfortable in your own skin. That didn’t click totally 100% for me until I was in my thirties. Coming out to people and provided it goes well does give you some confidence and builds towards that goal of loving yourself. However, if you have an experience that goes sideways or people reject you because of your sexuality that can and does do damage. That happened to me at a young age and again after the death of my spouse. It is true that you don’t know who your true friends really are until there is a crisis. When I was younger, I kept hearing people tell me that it gets better as you age with regards to being gay. There is truth to that and I think that society as a whole has evolved and made a lot of progress as for acceptance or for at the very least people not to care one way or the other regardless what your sexual orientation is.

Age is truly just a number but it a number that I think we all obsess with a bit too much and it is a reminder of your mortality. For all intense and purposes presuming that I live to be 100 half of my life is over, that is a bit scary to think about. Presuming that is the case my hope for the next 50 years is to laugh more, find love, make a lot of friends and to live in comfort. Sure, I’d say I want to be wealthy but unless I happen to win a lottery or some other type of prize like that or manage to marry into money chances are it won’t happen and that’s okay. Just as long as I have enough money in my name so that I can be comfortable, not necessarily wealthy but also not pinching pennies or wondering where or how to make my next dollar.

I was told when I was younger that I share a birthday [meaning the date September 2^nd] with a lot of famous people. I just did some internet research and indeed it’s true. The most notable to me are Keanu Reeves, Jimmy Connors, Mark Harmon, Terry Bradshaw and Christa McAuliffe. If your interested to find out additional people on this list, check out the link below  https://www.brainyquote.com/birthdays/september_2

I do wish that I had my family [my late spouse & the cats I have lost over the past seven years] here with me to help celebrate this birthday, that would mean so much to me. A birthday is much like a holiday to me where I hyper focus on the fact that I am alone and that of course inflames my depression.  I never thought I would be single, yet alone 50 and single. 

When I was much younger, I never thought I would see 30 or 40 and now I am looking at 50. My brother for some reason shared the same point of view about his 30’s and 40’s but I have no idea how he will feel when he turns 50. It would be nice to reconnect with him as well but only if it would mean that I wouldn’t get crapped on or hurt in some way. I don’t foresee that happening and today will likely pass without a word from him as has been the case for many of my birthdays in the past. It’s just as well and something that I have learned to live with.

While my birthday won’t be nearly as special as it could be I am at least glad and fortunate that I don’t have to spend it all alone. I am also very thankful that Ms. Gator is here and has made positive progress from where we were just a few short weeks ago. Having her here and doing so good is the greatest gift I could have. I think God did me a huge favor and only because I asked did it happen.

Here’s hoping that the best is yet to come! Thanks for coming along with me on my journey through life. Talk with you all again soon!