I sat around for most of the day just watching TV and relaxing. Of course, I tended to her Majesty’s needs. I got the trash ready in the afternoon and also decided to put some air in my tires. That’s when the day went negative. I curbed my car on Wednesday, while I didn’t see any obvious damage there was in fact damage. One of the tires had sidewall damage, it appears minor and the tire is still holding air. In fact, all of my tires were about 2 pounds shy from normal and I got them all aired up to normal. I found some Gorilla Glue in the house and used that to help put a temporary patch on the tire. It was late in the afternoon and getting close to time for me to leave. I thought about cancelling and once again I should have listened to that little voice.
I drove to my friend’s house and made it there fine. I got to see the remodel work that was done and it looks really nice. Almost like it’s a whole new house. My friend seemed rushed and like he really didn’t want to be bothered with me, as if this whole birthday dinner idea was a bad idea. However, since he commuted, we went through with it. We shuffled off to the restaurant and knowing that my car had damage he still insisted that I drive to the restaurant and meet him and his wife there. Fine.
We had dinner, I got lasagna and honestly, I have had way better. It was okay but nothing to rave about. Desert was Bananas Foster and that was superb, I’ve never had it prepared better. Dinner was done he started playing on his phone, left to use the restroom and when he came back, he insisted that it was time to go. I saw what he spent on dinner and it was truly overpriced. I would rather have had the money so that I could have bought a writing instrument, at least I would have gotten more joy out of that than I did this get together. I spent my time talking mostly to his wife, which I feel really close to her and less close to him. In any event I told her that I felt that he was rushing things and she said no he’s been looking forward to this. He had a phone call that he needed to take care of some personal business later in the evening and that was likely the cause for him being so dismissive. I wasn’t invited back to the house when we left, he made it clear that I needed to go my own way but not in words in action and the vibe that he was giving off.
That’s when my old friend depression crept up and I felt so alone and as if he really wasn’t a friend after all. Look I have been on the fence about our friendship for a while. It seems like ever since he was able to purchase the one asset that my spouse left behind that wasn’t of use to me, it’s as if he has no use for me. As I was driving home, I kept thinking that it would probably be for the best if I just drop him as a friend. While I am not going to communicate anything I think that I will just be unavailable to get together for whatever the holiday or reason is. Eventually we will drift apart and that will be that. They are my only outlet to talk to about whatever but after the way I was made to feel I really don’t want to feel as if I am a burden or charity case to them, like I am some sort of community service project.
It will be hard to follow through with my plan if something happens to Insty. She of course started acted wonky and kept me up for a good portion of the evening. Making me question my decision. As I have said before I know that she is old and she isn’t going to last forever, it will be hard enough to lose her but it will be even harder knowing that there isn’t anyone to talk to. When that time comes.
I’m pretty down as if that isn’t obvious. I am so sick of depression and the problems that life continues to deal to me that I just want it all to end so there will be no more pain, suffering or worry. I feel no purpose to go on, other than to care for my cat. For now, I am sticking around.
It wasn’t a very happy birthday for me but it also wasn’t the worst birthday ever. I wanted to give myself time away thinking that in retrospect my feelings would change or I would see things differently but sadly time didn’t really do much for me and I feel much the same now as I did last night.
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