Ms. Gator & I are reluctantly adjusting to this new normal. It’s very strange not having Marvin in the house. She is beside herself in wondering when he is coming home. I left this morning (Saturday) to go to the post office to get my 50 pounds of rock, when I came back, she was hopeful that I was bringing her brother in the door, but it was just me. I am still drying my tears here and there. I think about what was, what I should have done different and ultimately if all of my actions and decisions were justified. By in large I have no qualms with the 2 major decisions I made. The first being to give him additional time and the second being to end his life. He absolutely got the best care. I do think that perhaps when the week started off and he wasn’t eating we probably should have been the vet then and perhaps called things quits to avoid the 2nd clot but I had no idea that the clot was coming and figured that since he was on a blood thinner that his blood wouldn’t clot but that wasn’t the case. I saw the signs his body was showing me, simply that it was tired and it was in the process of shutting down. I know that he was 16 years old and time worked against him but I still can’t help but feeling like I have been robbed. Two in one year is the harder part to stomach. I had the depression and grieving over my loss of Momma and was able to quickly put that behind me and now I am having to deal with it all over again over Marv.
I hit up the cat food store on Sunday. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I didn’t give the treats a look because there is no need to purchase them any longer. They were just for him. Gator eats them once and a while if she feels like it. Otherwise it was all Marvin. When I first introduced them to the cat clan everyone was bananas about them. Eventually only the boys would eat them, but if Momma saw no one was around she would stop and grab a few while keeping her head on a swivel.
Saturday, I went to Red Lobster. I had a small wait for a table. Found out that they made some changes, like they no longer carry Coke products. They no longer include a salad with pasta, it’s extra and it’s a much smaller salad. I ordered a Pina Colada and it took forever to get it, I started to wonder if it was ever going to arrive. When it did, I took my first drink and raised my glass to Marvin as I wiped a tear from my eye. I leisurely drove back home and of course on my way back I got a chirp on my phone that work needed me. That didn’t make me drive any faster I was in a F everything mood. I had a decent time with the sun roof open the windows cracked it was the perfect weather day. Of course, I should have taken advantage of it to do outside chores but I am relying on the fact that there will be a tomorrow, if there isn’t well it won’t bother me terribly much.
I had the above mostly written a few days ago and while I do jump days, I wanted to post what I had. I’m adding on to it a bit so stay seated and the ride will continue.
Gator has had this thing where she is waking me up in the middle of the night and while I am on vacation or the weekend is here it’s not a major problem. However, next week when I am back to work it’s going to present a problem. She is also grating on my last nerve asking for attention or losing her mind when I am away from her for a second. I have waffled on what to do. I did some research and based on what the internet tells me she could have a thyroid problem, diabetes or just simply be getting old and then upsetting the apple cart with the loss of her brother. She is the very last tie to my late spouse, to Momma’s family and I am certainly not going to short change her. She is pretty good at adopting the skill her mom had in bossing me around. It’s the wake up calls in the middle of the night, the water chant (yowling and trying to cover up the water bowl) that absolutely upset me. I called the vet reluctantly this morning and made an appointment for her. It’s going to cost a small fortune because you and I both know they will want to do blood work since she hasn’t been there since she was 5 and she is 16 now. God forbid if there is something going on with her, I would rather know about it up front than walk into a surprise. She is behaving otherwise as normal but this will help get me some peace of mind. Of course, it could all blow up in my face but life is about choices and risks, we all have them each and every day. I’ll let you know as soon as I have an update. The appointment is on Friday afternoon and I don’t expect blood work to be back before Monday but it may happen.
Speaking of Monday, as in yesterday. I didn’t do much just loafed around the house, felt sorry for myself. Tried to get some sleep and Gator would allow me an hour here and there then she wakes me. I started browsing on Amazon and I went hog wild and bought things that I wanted instead of needed. I got Razer headphones, a new Mont Blanc pen and a weighted blanket. The headphones and blanket came today. I don’t know how well I will like the blanket but I’m trying it out tonight. The headphones are great. The pen won’t show up until Thursday. Last night reality set in when I started logging my purchases and I moved some money around to pay for them, I didn’t have to do that but it’s what works best for me. I’m glad that I have it to spend it’s when you spend it and don’t have it that there is a huge problem. These were all retail therapy purchases. They are designed to momentarily distract me from my sobering reality and make me think about something else, until that turns into a fleeing moment and I am catapulted back to reality. I have yet to change the wallpaper on my phone from Marvin’s photo of his head resting on my arm and his paw extended. It’s a photo that I took about 3 to 4 years ago and I convinced myself that if I changed the photo, he would die on me. Well now he is gone and I can certainly change the photo but just haven’t brought myself to do that. It’s another step of closing out his life, just like picking up his treats and vacuuming the last of his fur out of the carpet. I don’t want to do it but it’s not going to change anything. He is gone forever and don’t get me wrong I have grieved horribly over the losses of the others but Marvin & Momma both touched me in a very special place and it’s hard to keep moving forward. I have lots of emotions swirling around and processing them won’t be easy but I know that I will get through this.
Tomorrow I will be getting my hair cut for the first time since this pandemic started. I’ve been cutting it myself but this time I am going back to the pro that I am used to. That is one of the few places I run to when something is wrong. I could have my hair freshly cut on Monday and something tragic happen on Tuesday, Wednesday I would be back in the salon if only for a shampoo. I do retail therapy but not to the excess I did this time. I also eat but surprisingly I am having to force myself to eat.
I have been craving Mexican food. I went to the restaurant I wanted to visit this afternoon. I had the whole place to myself and a damn cute waiter. He had some mega sexy buns. He was also oddly very nervous around me and while I wanted to make a move I thought this might not be right, it could just be his personality and I am reading something into this. I ate, paid the bill and left. Oddly enough before you can get a seat you have to provide your name and phone number to the hostess for COVID tracking purposes. That was a first but I guess it’s going to get more common place as that shit show continues.
I had also put a call in to my doctor about something stronger for sleep and as per usual he threw up his hands and said there isn’t anything else I can prescribe. I paid to see another physician via video chat and he prescribed an antihistamine that is also used as a sedative for surgical procedures and to help people with insomnia. I am not a fan but it was something different. I’m not a fan because it knocks me on my ass and sleep is all you want to do; I have had it in the past to treat itching/hives. Perhaps this time things will be different. I was told it should provide me with 8 restful hours and then I should be normal. Since I have a hair appointment tomorrow, I don’t want to chance it. I will try it for sure on Wednesday night because there isn’t anything going on Thursday, other than Amazon deliveries.
Tomorrow night I am also going to meet up with my friends for dinner. I am just waiting for a time and place. It will be a change of pace. I’ve also mapped out a list of places I need to visit and what for. I really wanted to get my ears pierced but I have nixed that for now. Maybe I’ll indulge myself over the Thanksgiving break as I have my next full week of time scheduled to start the week after the holiday. It’s something that I have always wanted to do and I’m a bit scared that it will hurt but I am more scared of the after care and if it will look right on me. I make no promises but know that it’s on my mind to be considered pretty heavily.
I oddly have been away from my computer except for my morning report and then a short bit in the evening. Gator starts yelping and that usually brings things to a close. She is happiest when she can see me and I am in close proximity to her. I’m glad that when Monday comes going back to work won’t mean physically leaving the house. I don’t think she would survive well if I was gone for 8 hours.
Well I am going to goof off and surf for porn then it will be back to my room and the never-ending challenge of trying to find something to watch on TV. You’d think with all of the channels I have and subscriptions to boot that this is a problem that wouldn’t exist but sadly it does. I did take in Lewis Black’s newest special on Amazon last night, he wasn’t nearly as funny as he has been but it was a great show and worth the money.
Finally, sorry if my absence caused any of you to worry or wonder about me. This is a rough time and my desire to do much of anything is pretty well gone, especially since I have the whole week off. It will be gone in a flash and then I will be back banging my head against the wall with the stupidity of working for a living. I honestly don’t want to go back but have no choice if I want to be able to take care of myself and my Gator. Thanks for stopping by I will talk with you all again soon.
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