Thursday

A another day on the emotional rollercoaster.  I did wind up taking the entire day off.  I am so zapped.  I want to run away but am too tired to even try. 

Momma lost her appetite.  She did eat a little bit but then stopped and just wanted water.  I had to help the situation along and gave her an appetite stimulant.  She was eating at lunch time – dry food and wet food.  There is some swelling around her chin and neck.  It’s of concern so I gave her a booster dose of Lasix.  Now the poor thing is thirstier and peeing up a storm.  I hope the drug works to force the water/fluid out. 

The washer people tried calling before they stopped by, problem is they were calling my dead spouses cell phone, which isn’t in service.  Gee I wonder why.  In the store we covered my telephone number no less than 3 times, I don’t get why they tried to call a different number.  The guys were super fast but when hauling out the old machine something (they think transmission fluid) was leaking out of it and is all over my carpeted steps.  I’m pissed but what can I do.  It’s not really their fault.  They couldn’t find a source of the leak when they got it outside so it could just be mud water.  Most of it came up but I need to go over it with the carpet cleaner and that’s not on my priority list. 

I like the new washer it does what I need it to and it didn’t completely break the bank.  The only real issue is that it doesn’t have a buzzer or beeper when it’s done, so you have to guess.  Outside of that it’s a great machine thus far.  Super quiet which is a nice change.  That’s the way the Maytag was in it’s prime but as it got older it got louder.  Sounded like a rocket gearing up for take off.  I’m not joking. 

I some how squeezed in a nap with Gator.  Then got up and dressed, started moving.  Hit up the post office, Cracker Barrel and the Vet.  Then back home.  There was no credit on my account at the Vet’s office and no one has called about the services they preformed w/o my consent.  I filed disputes with my credit card company, so that will rock their world soon.  I took time to voice my concerns to multiple people there but no one has done anything with it.  I’m not calling and wasting more of my time.  Those money grubbers have gotten enough out of me.  At the end of the day were talking about $78.35 plus tax.  That won’t break them but the charge back fee presuming I win won’t be cheap.  It’s a penalty for being in the wrong.  If I lose well then I just have to pay the bill, no fee for me.  If anything I will grab someone’s attention and let them know they no longer have a sucker on the line.  This has happened way too many times before and I never said a word but those days are over. 

So there you have it, my day in a nut shell.  I found that I left a space heater plugged in and running all night long.  Good thing it didn’t set the house a blaze.  I am so not in my right mind – it’s the stress and exhaustion that has me doing all kinds of stupid shit.  Like it or not I am working from home tomorrow.  I don’t see a reason to go to the office for 1 day.  Come Monday I will need to go back in, I think my accommodation period is over.  Besides that I only have to work 3 days next week.  My fear is that when I leave for an extended period of time Momma will pass because she knows I won’t be here.  I think she is hanging on for me.  I know her body is trying to shutdown and I won’t let it.  I keep on giving her drugs & fluids so it delays the process.  Eventually no matter what I do it won’t matter she will succumb to her heart condition.  I’m just trying to prolong that and enjoy what time we have left.  She doesn’t appear in pain, just not a lot of energy. 

In a couple hours one of her vets is giving a talk about hospice and I am considering going but probably won’t go.  No matter what I can’t cure her or save her from this.  Death is the outcome.  I just need for things to level off and even out for a bit before we take another dip.  I can’t handle another weekend like last weekend, so here’s hoping that this weekend is much, much better. 

I got the bills paid today.  Managed to save enough money so I can live for the next 2 weeks until the next payday.  I paid for the bulk of the washer, I just can’t stand to have a large debt outstanding.  Everything else will come together next pay period, unless there is another unforeseen expense. 

Hope all is going well for you. 

Holy cow

Momma continues to improve.  Breathing is in the normal range.  She is still a little unsteady on her feet.  She is seeking out food and water on her own.  Were off of baby food and back on regular wet cat food.  I honestly think this is a result of the heart medicine that she was given.  I don’t think that this would be the case had that drug not been introduced.  She is still a little hesitant to take medication but that isn’t completely abnormal.  While I don’t know how much additional time I have with her, I am still amazed at the wobbly ride we have been on together.  I’m in no way saying she isn’t going to die.  Her condition is terminal and I think we may get a couple weeks, maybe a month if I am really fortunate.  I will take every hour, every second that I can get where she is in a semi normal status.  I do not want her in pain or suffering. 

The other positive sign is that she is starting to follow me when I leave my room.  Up in the morning, she is waiting at the bathroom door for me to walk to the kitchen.  Up at lunch time, she is in the kitchen waiting on food.  Up for any reason and she feels compelled to follow me.  I’m super happy and over the moon.  I just can’t put how thankful I am into words. 

Marvin is back to normal as well.  I gave him some attention last night.  It was just the two of us, like normal.  He fell asleep on my hand/arm.  He’s back to eating and able to keep everything down.  He’s got issues with walking but all things considered he does really well for a cat in his shape.  He has so much love in his heart. 

Gator is still sticking by me and sleeping with me on occasion. 

I woke up wiped out again this morning.  I tried a little bit to push myself but I just said 1 more day.  Man I got in some serious sleep this morning.  I didn’t want to get up but it was 10a and I knew that I couldn’t lay in bed all day long.  I wanted to but nothing would get done and I am so far behind that today is a great day to ketchup. 

Yesterday afternoon I found that my washer gave up the ghost.  It’s a front loader that we bought back in 2003 and it’s a Maytag.  It’s done an awesome job.  I called for repair and learned that there is a bearing that would need to be replaced.  That is $350 in it’s self.  Plus the service call.  There could be additional parts needed.  It would be about two weeks before it was all done.  The repair shop would get me a loaner so I could do laundry in the meantime.  Sounds great but I don’t exactly have the Luck of the Irish.  So I opted to buy a new machine.  It’s a top loader by Amana.  It doesn’t have the bells & whistles that my present machine has but it’s got what matters to me most.  A water heater so you don’t wash on true cold water.  The ability to auto sense water and the option for a 2nd rinse.  Doesn’t take a lot to make me happy.  I really didn’t want to spend the money but it’s the lesser of 2 evils and I think it’s the right choice.  I kind of hate to part ways with the old machine but that’s the way it goes. 

I had Thursday off for the dentist but cancelled my dental appointment because I made the decision to switch dentists.  Going to my late spouses dentist which is much closer to home and they will send me a bill in the mail.  I’m pleased but they don’t have availability until the end of March.  I’m in no rush.  Now that the washer issue arose they are delivering the new machine on Thursday.  So it looks like it’s a good thing I scheduled the day off. 

I worked on my taxes.  When all is said and done as it stands right now, I will back enough to cover the new washer and maybe have $5 left over.  Kind of sad.  I make more so I got kicked into a higher tax bracket and I get a decent amount back but most of it goes right back to my home state where I live.  I really would love a job that is based in my state versus having to work in a different state but that’s where the jobs are. 

I could be wrong but I also think the brakes on the vehicle are starting to wear a bit.  They have made a little noise lately that is of concern.  I’ve got a ways to go before it’s time for an oil change but if the noises continue I will take it in to have it looked at.  Brakes are essential and nothing to play with.

I am either going in tomorrow or working from home.  I like the idea of being at home.  I just hate the idea of leaving because I think that might be the tipping point where she decides to leave me.  I didn’t come all this way and fight this hard for nothing.  I mean she’s going when it’s her time regardless if I am awake, asleep, here or not here.  I am just hesitant in leaving.  I also kind of hate that I will be using Thursday.  They will call in the morning and give me a 2 hour delivery window.  Who knows what or when that will be.  If we can knock this out quickly then I will have no issues with working the rest of the day from home.  Friday I would really like to go in but probably will keep with the work from home theme if I am allowed.  Then hopefully all goes well over the weekend and I can return to the office on Monday.  I only have 3 days to work next week.  I am out next Thursday & Friday so I can see the doctor and God knows I really need to see him.  My blood sugar numbers are high again, I’m not sleeping that well and I have gained weight.  I’m asking for HELP.  I think the blood sugar is a result of the recent stress but the 3 month A1C test will prove or disprove that.  So when it’s all said and done I am using 1 of my 4 weeks of vacation.  Again not how I planned to start the year but thank God I have the time.  Hopefully, things will calm down.  I can tell you most probably when Momma does pass that I will take at least 1 day to myself, that’s my normal standard when I lose a pet. 

So up to enjoy more time with the family before it’s time to eat supper and start the evening.  I have made great progress today and am so proud of my little girl.  Thanks for stopping by! 

Still kicking

Momma’s condition has improved but she is not out of the woods.  I have been feeding her baby food and this afternoon after her feeding, she expressed an interest in regular food.  I opened some gravy based food for her and she returned to eating.  I hope that this isn’t a fluke and that her appetite will return to normal.  Cats will waffle between life and death before death eventually settles in and this can be a lengthy process taking days to weeks to complete.  I’m not up for a rollercoaster ride like the past few days have been, but I do understand a little better why I couldn’t give up on her and why I was so conflicted.  I’ve resolved my self to the fact that she is going to die while we thought it would be this weekend, that was not the case.  I won’t be ready when the time comes no matter how much I try to prepare.  I will have a sense of closure and I will know when the ride is done.  I can look back at the extra time I purchased for her and know that I have done everything possible.  That’s comforting but it won’t bring her back.  Right now I just enjoy what time we have left.  I have no problem in taking her for her last ride but I want it to be obvious where there is no doubt and no extra time to be had.  Until then I can’t and will not give up on her. 

My other problem is Marv.  He is hiding, throwing up and generally not himself.  I know he is aware of what is going on with his mom.  I know he knows how much it’s tearing me up and I think all of this is tearing him up.  I don’t want to rob him of time on earth but I certainly don’t want to lose him at the same time I am losing his mom.  It’s difficult to lose 1 and I know what it’s like to lose 2 in the same year.  I don’t want to know any more pain.  I’m keeping an eye on him and will take him to the vet if we need to go. 

Gator is the most loving and supportive that she possibly can be.  She laid down with me this morning and we went to sleep.  She knows the calming effect that she has over me and I am so thankful to have her.  I really think that in the end it will just be the two of us. 

As for me I am wiped out.  Feels like I am getting sick.  I took today off so that I could focus on me and wound up spending 1/2 of it on them.  They are my world and my obligation.  I take that responsibility very seriously.  I just hope that I don’t completely fall apart.  I’d like to work from home tomorrow and if that goes well then perhaps try to return to the office on Wednesday.  I will by hyper focused on what is going on at home.  I don’t want to lose her while I am away but I have little control over what nature has in store, if that makes sense. 

Just wanted you to know that I we are still fighting, kicking and screaming as we go through this hellish highway adventure.  This is not what I thought 2020 had instore for me.  I do hope the best is yet to come, otherwise I’m really fucked. 

Crying, Crying, Over you

Friday night as I was just about home the phone rang and it was the vet.  A manager phoned and read a statement from the vet.  Basically, you can have you prescriptions renewed/refilled.  Apology for ignoring me.  Then I heard about a new policy for mail order pharmacy's.  You have to have a written script.  They stopped answering calls from them as of September.  They said they would make an exception in my case this time and phone it in.  After this I need a written script. 

I stopped by and got the medicine and then headed home.  I was talking about life and death, little did I know what was waiting for me as the remainder of the evening and weekend unfolded.

I gave Momma her rescue dose of medicine and then a couple hours later I noticed that her throat was swelling.  Fluid was building up and that was a huge cause for concern.  We went to the vet at 9:30p and got home at 11:30p.  She had problems breathing so they put her on oxygen w/o my consent, but had the hutzpah to charge me for it.  I had to make a choice, one out of 3. 

1.  Try heart medication (super expensive) but they would give me something from there donation box.  Give her an IV injection of Lasix to help move the fluid.  Then monitor her progress at home. 

2.  Hospitalize her for 24 to 48 hours.  She would be in the ICU in an oxygen tent, getting IV Fluids and injections.  A series of X-rays and lord knows what else they would do.  The estimate on the high side was $1,500.

3.  Part ways and have her put down.

I chose option # 1 and paid the bill and we came home. 

This morning I awoke to find Momma completely exhausted, dehydrated and still with a high respiration rate but she was sleeping, which she wasn’t doing yesterday.  The fluid pocket around her neck is gone.  There is a pocket on her stomach.  She still won’t eat (were on day #2).  She has postured a couple times like she was getting ready to die but snapped out of it.  I couldn’t bring myself to give her any medication because I didn’t want to disturb her. 

She has cried out a couple times that she wanted to be in my lap.  I obliged and she relaxed and fell asleep for a while.  I’ve talked with her all day long and I keep telling her how much I love her and how much I am going to miss her.  I reflected on some good memories over her life time and mentally relived those as I was telling the story to her. 

I’ve spent the day by her side.  Crying, saying goodbye, trying to prepare myself, praying as well as arguing with God.  I finally left the house around 1p and went to the vet.  We have the paperwork done so all I need to do is bring her in and they will take care of the rest.  It appears we are at the end of the road. 

The hard part is bringing her over.  They are in no hurry and frankly neither am I.  I am so conflicted.  I’ve cried my eyes out over this.  I decided to give her some fluids.  Then a while later I gave her an increased dose of Lasix as well as the new heart medicine.  She nibbled a small sliver of some Salmon Pate.  We had our second posturing moment and that’s when I sprang into action scooping her up on a towel, throwing on my coat and I turned the alarm on.  I just held her for a second and started to ball my eyes out.  I headed for the door and in character for her, she started squirming and demanded to be unhanded.  She wanted back on the ground, so we aborted the mission. 

The vet told me that cats in particular will hang on and on and on.  I told her to fight but today I told her it was okay if she needed to go, she didn’t need to fight anymore.  She has been brave and been through enough.  I think she understood a lot of what I was saying, or I hope so.

Everyone knows that daddy is upset and not happy.  I also think they know their mom is dying.  I can afford to throw away my Saturday because a normal Saturday I would have spent most of it in bed.  We are in end times here, so I want to make sure I am available to her.  I don’t want to short change her or give up on her, which is why I gave her fluids & her meds. 

I am scared to fall asleep because I think that is when she will go but if she is still here when I wake I will be surprised.  I think that unless there is marked improvement tomorrow I will likely bring and end to this nightmare.  It’s not fair to her that I am a selfish bastard and want to hang on to her. 

We’ve been together for 15 years and this hurts and is not easy.  I’ve made this decision before and never had the conflict that I feel now.  I think it’s because she is my Momma and so special to me that I just can’t seem to let go.  However, I realize it’s in everyone’s best interest that I do so.  I’d kind of like nature to make the choice for me but that would require her to suffer and I really don’t want that.  I don’t want her to drown in her own bodily fluid from the inside.  There is a much more humane way for her to check out.  She’s a tough old bird and has fought a brave fight.

It’s times like this that we get the reminder how valuable life is and how it can change in the blink of an eye.  But for the whole paw infection thing 3 weeks ago I think she would probably have been fine for a bit longer.  I think this has been coming for a while and we have had many close calls. 

I pray for comfort, strength and courage.

The other nasty thing that I found out when I got home on Friday night was the house smelled like skunk again.  I think we were sprayed yet again.  This happened last year but it was March/April if I remember correctly.  I think this house is going to kill me. 

So I hope your having a much better weekend than I am having.  Thanks for stopping by.  I will certainly keep you updated as I can.  I may or may not need some time, presuming she passes and doesn’t improve.  The cards are certainly stacked against her.  Heart Disease can rob you of time, get expensive fast and become suddenly aggressive with no warning.  Look at her she had months at the time of diagnosis then in just a few short days that time span was limited to weeks.  I’m glad I am her human.  I am frustrated that I feel conflict.  Death is not now nor will it ever be an easy thing for me to cope with.  I hate it mostly because there are no second chances and once your dead there is no coming back. 

Fri yay

Unfortunately I have yet to hear from the vet or her office.  I’ve thought about various approaches and while I could go in like a charging bull that won’t get me the results I really want, in fact it could have an adverse affect.  I’m waiting and if there is no response I will reluctantly go in for the scheduled appointment on Sunday.  At that time I will make sure all of the I’s are dotted and T’s are crossed.  I think that will probably be our final visit until things get worse.

Today is NOT a good day for Momma.  Her breathing is off, she is agitated and restless.  I have watched her most of the afternoon on camera and I have come close to calling it a day early.  Were in the home stretch now the last hour so I think she will be able to manage.  She is resting with her head down and eyes open.  I haven’t gotten good numbers on her breathing.  I have plans to give her a rescue dose of medicine when I get home.  This morning she didn’t want to eat at all.  She started by acting like she was playing me but the more food I opened the more she turned her nose up at it.  Until I finally had to beg her and she ate a little bit.  I know she doesn’t feel good but eating is a part of being able to stay alive.  To error on the side of caution I gave her an appetite stimulant I just don’t want her to shutdown on me, with out me having tried all of the possibilities.  If it’s going to happen then I can at least know that I took all of the possible steps that I could to prevent it. 

I don’t think her time is quite up yet but unless she is in obvious distress or discomfort, I think that she has a bit longer with me.  Today is just not one of her better days and to say it bothers me is kind of an understatement. 

On a different note the grumpy guy I work with will be on vacation next week so it will be a little peaceful.  I’ve got to visit the dentist on Thursday and really don’t look forward to that at all.  I don’t have any mouth issues but it’s the whole billing conversation that I don’t look forward to.  They no longer send bills by mail and I keep telling them until they mail me a bill I won’t be paying them.  That was what I told them six months ago and it’s what I will tell them again next week.  I am considering changing dentists because it’s made me so uncomfortable.  I have been with this particular dentist since I was in my 20’s so it’s a long term relationship and I know what to expect.  She takes very good care of me.  But since she sold her practice she has given up control of everything and big brother runs everything.  Supposedly the only thing that was to change was the name of the practice but everything else was remaining the same.  Sadly that is not the case. 

Lots of TV watching to do.  My home DVR is loaded with plenty of stuff and the next and final installment of The Ranch on Netflix is out today.  I will have to binge watch that so it’s like a weekend project. 

Right now I am just eager to get home and see if I can’t bring some comfort to Momma.  Stay tuned and I will keep you posted on the good the bad and the ugly.  Stay warm and be safe. 

Average Thursday

I stopped by the vets office last night after work.  Come to find out she has been off.  That would explain the lack of a response to my email and to the mail order pharmacy.  However, she is back today.  I left a message and also followed up with an email.  I was promised a response today.  It’s a few minutes after 3p and thus far no response.  I anticipate that I will hear something later this evening.  If that isn’t the case I will be really disappointed and also pissed.  Patience is a virtue and something I don’t have, good thing I’m not a doctor. 

I got quite the scare this morning.  Momma acted like she was losing her appetite and wasn’t interested in food at all.  I had to coax her and really push to get her to eat.  Thankfully it worked.  I hope that she was just being stubborn and this isn’t a sign of things to come.  While I am told they can miss up to 4 meals total and that is when you should panic.  I panic when they miss just 1 meal.  Everyone is eating and I am thankful for that. 

Momma looked like today was a bit of a struggle so I picked out a slightly larger pill for her, in the hopes it would drain more fluid and make her feel better.  Fluid is still pooling in her body but it’s not to a major point yet.  She does appear to be larger, but when you pick her up she weights around the same 5 pounds. 

We spent time together last night and once again I got to the point where I was nodding off so I had to wake her up and put her in bed so that I could go to bed.  I held off for as long as I could but still wound up waking up in the middle of the night.  I’d love to sleep 8 full hours straight, like a deep relaxing and refreshing kind of sleep.  I don’t know that will happen while I have a worry or at least a concern on my mind. 

I’ve got a meeting with the boss man in a bit.  It’s just a touch point kind of thing that we do once a month so he can voice any issues/concerns and I can do the same.  It’s usually a 5 to 10 minute call where we go off topic because there is hardly ever anything to discuss. 

The weather is a ugly story.  It had iced over night but thawed a little bit and the road crews did an okay job.  It was raining on the drive in and you had to keep an eye out for ice, but I didn’t encounter any.  The drive home will be rain turning to snow and that will happen during the commute.  So it will probably take a little longer to get home, unless people panic and leave early.  There are a fair number of closings so that will help ease traffic.  It’s supposed to snow overnight as well so tomorrow could be a work from home day for me.  I’d kind of like that, you eliminate the commute and it gives me 2 hours back to start my weekend early.  It’s a wait & see situation. 

That’s all I know for now.  I’m sure I will have more news tomorrow.  Stay warm, be safe and we will talk again soon.  I appreciate you stopping by!

Purring along

Ms. Momma is not her normal self but she is moving along okay.  It’s hard to believe that she is actually terminal and will pass away.  Right now her breathing is well controlled.  She mostly sleeps, eats and uses the bathroom.  We have a little interaction but nothing like what it used to be. 

Last night she wanted up in the chair with me, I was hugging her and she isn’t much for that beyond a moment or two.  She wanted down.  So I placed her on the floor and then she asked to come right back up.  So that’s how I figured out she wanted to be in the chair with me.  She indulged me and let me scratch her ears and give her some attention.  Then she just curled up and it was lights out.  Like she was narcoleptic.  I went on to watch TV but soon my sleeping medicine was kicking in and I was doing the nod.  I turned the TV off and just looked at her and watched her in all her beauty just sleeping away.  That of course made me sleepier but also a little depressed.  Eventually push came to shove and I had to wake her.  I put her in her bed and I went to mine.  She was curling up just before I turned the light out. 

Middle of the night my body told me I needed to wake up and use the restroom, so I gave in.  Momma thought it was breakfast time and got up and started to follow me.  I told her it was a false alarm and she could go back to bed, so she did.  If she was feeling more normal that would have sparked an argument. 

I just checked on her and her respirations are right at the normal range.  She was sleeping and then woke up.  She is off camera now I suppose using the bathroom, checking the house or most probably going to see what there is left to eat.  I talked nice to her this morning and she was her polite self and opened her mouth and took her pills without much protest at all. 

I am just in a state of shock and disbelief that she is actually going to die but I suppose it will hit home if/when she gets worse.  Right now it’s a new normal but it’s business as usual. 

No word from the vet in response to my email and no reply back to the mail order pharmacy.  I am going to pay them a visit tonight.  My grandpa told me you get better results if you show up in person rather than make a phone call or write a letter.  It’s a little tougher to be dismissive if you show up in person.  However, I don’t expect to be dismissed – I am a paying client and I expect results and responses when I ask questions.  This is my little girl were talking about she is my world and I will advocate for her as I would any pet.   I am really on the fence about taking her to another doctor.  I think that she possible could get in a couple more years if they would put her on a heart medication like Digoxin it helps the heart to pump better and if that happens then she would have less if any fluid pooling at all.  I will be sure to mention it tonight to see what kind of response I get.  I don’t expect answers tonight I expect they will write it all down and get with the vet and someone will call me back.  However, only time will tell.  I do need answers and medicine.  Hopefully, I won’t have to show up on Sunday with her to another dreaded appointment. 

We’ve got Winter weather that will start tonight and go through the next 2 days.  It sounds a little concerning but I think we all should be able to get to work.  I will watch the TV and make judgement calls based on the information I am provided.  Media hype is a thing when it comes to weather but unless it’s obvious or there are a bunch of wrecks I will forge forward. 

Hope your having a good day.  Talk again soon. 

Monday on a Tuesday

I have looked in on Momma a couple times today.  I did some respiration checks and she was doing fine around lunch time.  I checked a few moments ago and saw that she was up and appeared to be agitated, her breathing was up a bit.  Then she went to the water dish and that kind of explained things. 

I’m disappointed in the fact I haven’t heard back from the vet and the mail order service I use has yet to hear back regarding their thyroid medicine.  I think there will be some hell raising to do, but I am trying to be patient.  The mail order service asked me to call.  So if there is no movement tomorrow afternoon I will indeed do that.  Kind of frustrating you shell out all of that money and get crappy customer service after the fact but they expect you to come back.  I don’t want to part ways with any of my 3 cats but I will be glad for the day when I no longer have to deal with this place.  That won’t happen until they are all gone, which hopefully will be years away. 

Just got yelled at by a co-worker for helping him out.  He’s right I should have communicated with him but I didn’t.  Well I won’t be helping him out any more.  When he is on-call tickets sit and wait.  It was late in the afternoon so I figured he might be gone and I thought I would lend a hand.  Every time I try to do something good for him he barks, so I learned my lesson and shit will sit from now on.  Grumpy old man. 

I am looking forward to getting home to see all 3 of the cats and be able to reach out and touch Momma.  I gave her a hug before I left for work.  She also got some extra food and was able to eat it without anyone else interrupting her, which I was very pleased to see.

That’s it just spending a little time before I can hit the off switch and walk out the door, back into the cold & cruel world.  It’s really super cold out so I will be starting the car from the office so it will be slightly warmed up when I get there.  It’s been in the 20’s all day.  Burr.  I hate the cold.  I need to stop and pick up a prescription tonight.  It’s going to be a little bit of a mess because they ran it through my insurance instead of the discount card I use.  So I have to have them back out the insurance claim and give them the discount card, it will take a few minutes and I will pay more but it will permit me to get a full supply of the other medicine that I use for sleeping.  Kind of a long story and I think I’ve posted about it before. 

So there you have it my Monday on a Tuesday. 

Lazy Day Part II

Today in the US we are celebrating Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day and a lot of places are closed including my employer.  I am thankful that I am able to spend a day at home with the kids and get in quality time.

We started our day at the crack of dawn as per usual.  I passed out breakfast and waited & watched to make sure Momma was eating.  Looks like I need to keep an eye on Marvin because he didn’t eat anything.  I then passed out medication and we returned to my room to watch TV and be lazy. 

I maybe got an extra 15 minutes of sleep over the course of the next hour.  I was awake thanks to Marvin and the telephone firing off useless alerts.  Hopefully that means I will sleep better tonight but only time will tell. 

Ms. Momma got a larger pill today, it was the biggest out of the bunch and it just looked prime for her today.  Man alive she has been moving here and there all day long.  We got in some cuddle time, lots of food and her breathing is doing well so long as she doesn’t over do it.  To look at her today you would have no idea that she is dying or anything for that matter is wrong with her.  I hope we have many, many more days like today.  Her breathing is well within the normal acceptable range but she seems to be sleeping really deep so you have to stare for a minute to see the movement.  It doesn’t help to be in a dimly lit room looking at a mostly black cat, checking to see if her chest is moving. 

Marv and I got in some time together.  But work put that to an end.  I got an alert that there was a critical update for our firewalls and I had to run to patch them, which meant he had to come off of the couch and boy was he a grouch. 

I am happy to say that I have completed the 2nd season of Sex Education on Netflix.  It was very entertaining and interesting to see characters evolve.  There is plenty of gay sex be it man on man and woman on woman.  It was a way to pass time today. 

When things wrapped up around 2:30p I decided that it was time to finish up the vacuuming and Momma must have sensed it because she was walking towards the kitchen long before I ever moved off the couch.  However, I had to kick poor Marvin out.  My room is clean once again and Momma has her bed inspected and freshly made.  The trash is out, windows on the vehicle are clean and now all I need to do is have supper and prepare for tomorrow.  But first a shave! My face itches and I can tell that I am overdue, so I am looking forward to that. 

I keep smelling what I attribute to be a moldy smell in my office and my bedroom.  The bedroom is directly below the office.  So I put on a brave face, hoped for the best and raised the ceiling tile.  I never knew that side of the house was so well insulated, it was a couple sheets.  Anyway best part is no mold.  I have no idea where the odor is coming from but it’s driving me mad.  So I lit a candle and the odor is gone for the moment.  I’d like to run an air treatment but it’s just too cold outside to open the windows.  Funny thing is the rest of the basement smells okay.  Maybe I just need a new nose. 

Then I went to update my log of Momma’s respirations and I couldn’t get my Outlook to open.  I did a reboot, a quick repair and then a full repair.  By the time I got to the full repair it threw an error and told me it saw an older version of an Access Database.  Geez it’s only been there since 2018 and it never caused issues before.  Still I removed it and was able to reinstall office.  What a pain.  That gobbled up a couple hours. 

The Neighborhood is on tonight along with a couple other shows I like.  So I will be watching that and enjoying the evening with the kids.  I hope this week is better than last week.  I’m still waiting for the vet to reply to my email.  Not sure what the hold up is but hopefully I can get a response before Sunday.  I’d really like to cancel that appointment as the only purpose it serves right now is to drain money from me and to cause unnecessary panic /stress to Momma.  Her heart shouldn’t be exposed to anything stressful and she needs to be refrained from being excited or alarmed.  Funny thing about that is I have to watch myself when I am about to orgasm, it always scares her and she comes running.  I used to be all silent but porn has conditioned me to be a screamer.  It feels really good to let it out, just saying.  It’s kind of funny and I know it’s TMI but hey I have to share this with someone. 

Well up to the fam to get the evening started because it will be lights out before you know it.  I don’t look forward to the morning but I do kind of look forward to going back to work.  There are tasks looming that I really don’t want to do but that comes with most every job.  It will be okay as long as I have my Momma.  I am probably going to move my camera to my bedroom, since that is where she spends the bulk of her time I’d like to be able to check on her when I am at work.  I can at least try it out and if it doesn’t work move the camera back. 

Thanks for stopping by.  Have a great week and I will try to do the same.  Stay warm it’s cold out!

Nice Supper

I treated myself to a nice supper.  Went to a local Italian place because I knew they had soup.  Italian Wedding is one of my favorites, but unfortunately they didn’t have that.  I had Beef Barley and it was pretty good.  I had my mind set on Spaghetti but had Veal Parm. which came with a side of Spaghetti.  It was okay not as tasty as it looked  It of course was considerably more than Spaghetti but I figured I was worth it.  I thought I was going to bust I was so full.  My waitress tried to talk me into dessert but I didn’t budge.  I’ve got a whole Apple Pie waiting for me and I’m going to have a slice in a white. 

Hit up the cat food store.  Their selection of canned food is really shrinking, which is discouraging.  Somehow I managed to spend $43 because I have to buy a wide variety of food for the little critters.  Were well stocked for a week if not close to two.  I don’t expect we will be snowed in but it never hurts to be prepared.  Shame they would have to share there food with me. 

Ms. Momma is doing okay all things considered.  Her respirations were up after dinner and trying to relax.  A simple walk to the kitchen can wind her, that’s how I know something is seriously wrong.  She is still eating and foraging for food & water on her own.  She even steals some of Marvin’s treats.  She isn’t totally out of it.  I do have the okay to give her a pain pill if I feel she needs it, but it really knocks her for a loop so I will leave it as a very last resort because I don’t want to make things worse.  She feels like she could use a rescue dose of Lasix but based on her breathing that tells me she is doing fine, so I am conflicted on what to do.  I’m waiting and watching.  I will probably leave well enough alone. 

I’m hopeful that the vet will fill her medicine and with an extra supply on hand I will be a little more liberal with the rescue dose, so she will be a little bit more comfortable.  Unless I hear back from the vet and there is medicine ready I don’t plan to leave the house tomorrow.  Vehicle is all gassed up and ready for travel on Tuesday. 

Looking forward to watching a new episode of Shameless on Showtime tonight.  They got picked up for 1 more seasons which will be the final season.  We all thought this was the final season but got a nice surprise.  The show will be winding down soon and once that happens it will probably be summer or late fall before we get more episodes.  I watch a lot of shows but this one is very special to me because there is a gay male character. 

While I was out I did remember to grab the mail.  Got some medicine and a bill.  It’s rare that anything really good comes in the mail.  It’s medicine and bills but mostly bills.  I do get some junk mail especially when election season is in full swing.  Speaking of which next Sunday The Circus will be back on the air.  I really enjoy that show as well but they always have good food they are showing off and I get hungry really fast.  Makes me eat junk food because I have nothing “healthy” to eat. 

Okay I think that is wrap on Sunday.  I’m finishing up laundry and will be heading up to be with the fam.  I still need to vacuum my room, breakfast will probably be the right time because that will be the only time it’s vacant.  There always seems to be at least 1 cat in the room.  I really don’t want to cause any undue stress on Momma and keep things calm as can be.  She doesn’t seem to be bothered by the vacuum any more she kind of wants to know what it’s doing in her house. However, given her condition I think keeping her away from the noise machine is for the best. 

Happy Sunday! 

Where we are

I have had time to process the news and come to terms with what the outcome will be.  I have cried lots and looked back at photos & videos to reflect back on her life.  She is not gone yet but I do realize our time together is limited.  I found out that we can’t use Prednisolone because it will further weaken her heart.  Lasix is the best drug to use to help clear the fluid. 

I just sent an email to the vet giving her an update that she is still doing well under the circumstances and her breathing is well within the normal limits.  I don’t see the importance of constantly taking her back for check-ups when the outcome is going to be death.  I think we should keep her comfortable at home, just give me the meds and I will do my part in taking care of her.  If she is in distress or it’s obvious that death is imminent I would take her in to have her put down.  Until we get to that point I think it’s important for not only her to be comfortable but for my wallet.  Not to mention it does stress both of us out to go over there.  If the vet disagrees fine, then I will play the game.  However, I am hoping that will not be the case. 

Each time when I go to check her respirations I remind myself that it could easily be the last time.  Sometimes she breathes so slow that I have to brace myself and do a double take to make sure that she is still breathing.  I think that one day I will look or come home and she will be gone.  I don’t feel that I will have to make the decision and that is kind of what I am praying for.  I mean it will be hell for me regardless of when or where she is at when she passes.  I think that having the comfort of home, a nice warm bed and her kids by her is the best experience.  Still doesn’t mean that I am ready to lose her. 

My personal thought process is that while one vet says it will be weeks and the other says it will be months, I think that were a ways off from it happening.  This is probably going to be a long road.  I do know that I have the power to put an end to things but I don’t want to rob myself of being able to spend time with her, hold her, talk to her and hug her.  I owe her the very best and that is what I am giving her. 

Yesterday (Saturday) I didn’t even bother to get dressed, I called it my lazy day.  I got them breakfast.  Nibble on something for myself and spent the bulk of the day in bed or watching TV.  By late afternoon my blood sugar was doing a deadly downward spiral and I knew I had to get food or I was going to pass out.  So I hit up the freezer and had some Mac & Cheese.  Then grabbed some cookies and Recess Peanut Butter cups and gulped down several sodas.  Things were on the mend. 

I binged watched the newest season of Frankie & Grace on Netflix.  It was pretty good.  I saw the movie I have been wanting to watch Jexi with Adam Devine on Friday.  It was really good and kind of rang home the point that you shouldn’t let technology take over your life.  I did this all from the comfort of my bedroom with all of the kids by my side. 

Today I had to get back to a normal way of life.  So I hit up the grocery store, grabbed some emergency cat food along with plenty of things for myself.  One of them being an Apple Pie, it looks so good and I am eager to eat the first slice.  It’s so bitterly cold out, looks like Winter is finally here.  More snow on the way later in the week.  Friday was kind of a mess with freezing rain and snow followed by more rain.  Today everything is fine, just super cold. 

I need to go back out to grab cat food and get the mail.  I figure I will treat myself to a meal out.  I’d love pizza but I don’t want to travel that far.  Italian in general sounds good but then again so does Cracker Barrel.  Not sure where I will wind up but you can bet that I won’t starve. 

I still feel a little numb to all of the news with momma but I know that I can’t put my life on hold just because she is sick.  Keeping busy is actually a bit good for me.  To say I am depressed is kind of an understatement at this point.  It would be funny if she lived two more years, which is kind of what I am looking for.  Even then I wouldn’t be ready to part ways.  My bigger worry is what impact it will have on the other two cats.  Only time will tell and that is kind of the scary part.  Everything can change for better or worse in the blink of an eye, life truly is fragile and sometimes there just isn’t enough bubble wrap to prevent damage from occurring. 

I’ve got Monday off because it’s Martin Luther King Jr day but after that it will be back to work until May when the next holiday rolls around.  I have some time off next week to see the dentist and the week after that to see the doctor.  Then nothing else planned.

Hope your having a great weekend, staying warm and keeping well.  I will talk with you all again soon. 

Worse news

Her paw is improving, she got more antibiotics but that was as a comfort thing since it seemed to help her overall disposition.  She didn’t need them and I probably flushed more money down the drain but it’s my little girl and I’d do anything for her. 

She does have a heart problem and it looks like weeks to live.  That is only an estimate (guess) but it kind of depends upon how her body responds to the Lasix.  We go back next Sunday at which point she will need more Lasix. 

This just sucks.  All I can do is enjoy the time I have left, make her comfortable, cater to her needs and monitor her progress.  I don’t want to make a decision to end her life and I don’t want to find her dead either.  However, one of those two things is going to happen.  This is NOT what I envisioned for 2020.  I am hoping for a Hail Mary – Miracle but absent of that I will have to accept the fact that I am losing my little girl. 

Nervous

So the big day is here and were only a few hours away from our visit.  The tiger paw does look a little better but over all Momma looks like she is pregnant to me.  It’s either my optics are skewed or she is retaining much more fluid and this problem is getting worse instead of better.  I clocked her respirations this morning when she was sound asleep and she was back in the normal range. 

The internet is NOT your friend when your looking for medical advice because while some of the information you get is spot on accurate a good portion of it won’t apply to your situation and it causes undue worry.  I’ve proven this time and time again but yet I still keep going back looking things up, especially when a cat is involved. 

While I am going into this nervous and I have a bad feeling, I am hoping that good news comes out of this and I am maybe overly concerned for nothing.  The paw thing could have been a co-incidence but I think it’s actually was the final straw that set her body into a downward spiral.  On a positive note I haven’t yet given her any fluids.  I have held off because I don’t want to make things worse, even though I was told it’s okay to give her a low dose. 

The one thing that won’t change today or ever is my love for this little girl.  She is quite amazing and has lived a great life thus far  We have gone the gambit of emotions together and she has always been there for me and I for her.  I have lots of memories, photos and videos.  I learned a long time ago document memories because some day that is all you will have.  It’s true regardless if it’s a person or an animal.  People like animals come and go from our lives sometimes more quickly than we want.  It’s nice to be able to look back and reflect on better times. 

I’ll certainly post the outcome of our visit but it may not happen until tomorrow.  Kind of depends on a lot of different factors but I’ve been trapped in front of this machine for the bulk of the day so I don’t want to spend the evening the same way.  We have bad weather moving in and tomorrow sounds like it’s going to be a bit of a challenge because ice will be involved.  Just what I didn’t need.  Take care!

1 more day

The waiting game continues and were down to 1 more day.  Last night Momma decided to play me on food, but she ate.  Just wanted to see how much she could con me out of.  I hate that game it makes me so nervous and they all play it, it’s not exclusive to Momma.  I could see that Momma is tired and still not feeling well just by looking in her eyes and watching her actions.  We did spend time together and even fell asleep for a minute together.  She had her pill and we called it a night around 10p.  Her breathing was worse last night when I checked her.  I did it multiple times and kept coming up with the same number.  Poor girl.  I did have a conversation with her and said a goodbye to her just in case she would pass when I am not around or in the middle of the night.  It helped me feel a little better.  I tell all of them all the time that I have love them because I know my days of saying that to each of them are limited.

Because I am worried about her my mind won’t allow me to sleep for long periods.  I am up a couple times during the night.  I haven’t had a reason to check on her so I sluff it off and roll over.  Eventually I fall back into a sleep state.  Makes me kind of tired the next day though. 

Things seem a little more normal this morning but I can tell Momma is still off and she has her tiger paw.  I do hope for answers and relief tomorrow as well as it not having a great financial impact.  I paid off the vet visits that were looming on a credit card.  So that is one less concern. 

I am eager to see the vet.  Momma on the other hand won’t be terribly happy about it but I know her well and she will tolerate it.  Here’s to tomorrow may it bring answers, enlightenment, education and good news.

May today pass by quickly so that I can get home. 

Earlier Appointment

In conversing with the vet via email I was able to move our appointment up to very late in the afternoon on Thursday.  That’s not much help but it’s better than waiting until Friday.  I think time our (mine & the cat’s) enemy here.  She’s made it this far hopefully she can hang on for a couple more days and then we can unwrap and hopefully resolve this problem, calm my nerves and make the cat better. 

Right now I can’t wait to get home to see her.  I have to pay bills tonight but I’ll make that as brief as possible so that I can maximize my time with her and the others.  I do hope the Lasix has once again done it’s job and the fluid is gone for the moment. 

Pray, think good thoughts and hope against hope that this works out well.  That’s what I am doing.  It’s like I am holding my breath and waiting to exhale.  I know things can turn south at any point but hopefully they won’t. 

As you can observe from my wording I am a bit of an emotional wreck.  Boss man is letting me work from home on Thursday and leave a little bit early so I can take care of her.  She will get lunch and I won’t have to spend gas coming to work and taking off early.  So it works out for everyone.  Rest of the work week seems uneventful based on my calendar but that too is subject to change. 

Please dear sweet lord let this all work out for the best!

Frustrated

Last night was a good night.  Momma had a nice feast, drank some water, spent some time with me and appeared generally okay.  She laid down on the couch next to Gator and I took a photo of the two of them sleeping together.  I couldn’t help but think that this could be one of the last photos that I get of the two of them resting together. 

This morning I passed out food and everyone ate, I gave momma some extra food before I left and she was lapping it up.  Thankfully it didn’t summon Gator so Momma got first dibs. 

I give her Lasix to her in the morning so it has all day to work to get the fluid out of her system.  Last night you couldn’t find any.  This morning I found some on her undercarriage by her front paws.  The tiger paw is still there.  She let me inspect it last night and massage it with out any problem. 

The entire way in I thought about my little girl and what she is going through.  I don’t know if I will come home to find her alive or dead and that frankly is frightening.  I’ve thought about it enough that if she is going to pass that I would much prefer her to go to sleep and not wake up vs me having to make the decision.  I won’t like finding her but at least it would happen at home where she is comfortable in familiar surroundings.  It would also allow Marv and Gator time to hopefully process things rather than her just disappearing from the house.  There is just no good outcome for death. 

I’ve called the vet and scheduled a follow up visit for Friday which I was told is the soonest appointment.  I think I was lied to but I followed up with an email to the vet so if they can accommodate an earlier appointment I’m sure I will hear something.  Otherwise we will go back on Friday morning provided Momma can hang in there a bit longer.  Based on what I am seeing I think she will make it since she is eating & drinking.  I hope that I can get some answers and we can remedy this paw swelling.  Moreover that everything falls into place and things normalize more.  If I have to accept the fact she is dying then so be it but right now I think it all goes back to the paw swelling. 

This is so emotionally frustrating not to mention the fact that I have to continue on with my life and my job while all of this is going on.  It’s a nice diversion when I can concentrate but that is getting more difficult to do.  I so hope for a good outcome!  This isn’t the way I wanted 2020 to start out. 

Bigger isn’t better

The excess fluid appears to be gone from Momma.  She looks really good.  Her paw does seem bigger to me.  I was rubbing it this morning and she yelped outside of that she is still walking on it like nothing is wrong.  Eating, drinking and acting kind of normal.  She’s not jumping or playing and I am unsure if I will see that again. 

The vet that I originally saw on Thursday won’t be back until Wednesday.  So if we don’t have some progress by then I will be calling for another appointment.  I don’t want to obsess over this but it’s my little girl and while she appears to be tolerating it, to me it looks painful as hell.  I really think she needs another antibiotic to clear this up.  I also think that her “heart issue” will clear on it’s own once this infection or whatever it is has left her body, that is if we can get it to leave. 

I have done a bit of on-line research.  The long acting antibiotic that is in her system is active for 2 weeks but it remains in the body for 65 days.  That’s kind of crazy.  If you have an allergic or adverse reaction your pretty well fucked because there is no way to get it out once it’s in.  Lots of horror on line but I can find that with a lot of drugs both human and animal.  This stuff has worked wonders for us in the past across the whole family.  It’s what helped to give Ruth extra time.  I’m not a vet and not telling them how to do their job but her paw shouldn’t be the same size or worse 4 days after the injection.  Something is clearly wrong.  However I will exercise my patience.  It’s not my strong suite, especially when it comes to medical care regardless of who it’s for. 

My night of sleep was okay, I woke up for a little bit but turned on the electric blanket and rolled over.  I woke up 25 minutes before I was supposed to get up.  I gave in and got up early.  Everyone was thankful for that.  Traffic was a bit of a nightmare and I was on the fence about going to work.  However, I talked myself into it.  I wanted to take Momma back to the vet but figured it wouldn’t do any good because I’d wind up with the same doc as I had yesterday.  So I thought why waste the effort, time and most of all money.  They won’t see her for free and I want maximum value for my money.  I hope this is much ado about nothing but based on what I am seeing I don’t think so. 

I just life to go back to a state of normal.  Funny because when it’s normal I’m bored and not happy with that either.  Sort of like the weather when it’s cold you want it warmer and when it’s warm you want it colder.  It’s a never ending cycle.  However, I could use less drama and bad news I want my momma back.  I know the song goes I want my baby back, my baby back ribs but in this case it’s my momma.  She is my world and the matriarch of our family. 

To error on the side of caution I clipped Gators nails last night they were pretty sharp so maybe this was a claw thing.  I’ll never know and honestly don’t care.  Just want to fix the problem. 

Work is a little busy and has helped distract me a little bit.  I talked with my boss so he is prepared for whatever happens.  I know that this momma issue will gobble up more of my time and that isn’t what I want either but it’s family first. 

Happy Monday!

More on Momma

So I am still numb to the news.  I just can’t seem to accept it.  None of this started until she got her wound on her leg.  Based on symptoms that I read for a spider bite on a cat it doesn’t sound like that is what happened.  It is rather an abscess that she likely got from fighting and probably with Gator.  Since this went untreated for a bit that allowed time for it to fester and build in her body.  I do think that the cardiac/fluid issue is from the abscess and that she doesn’t have heart issues. 

I am either right or wrong and only time will tell.  All I can do is monitor and use my best judgement until we get to see the vet again.  I do hope for momma’s sake and my sake that I am right and this will pass.  I think she needs a stronger antibiotic.  What she has will last for 2 weeks so if after a week there isn’t marked improvement I will be calling.  I think the Lasix will force the fluid out of her paw but I have mixed feelings about giving that to her once a day.  I am going to at least give it a shot. 

So there you have it more of my humble opinion. 

On the home front I finally drained the water heater.  I saw where a portion of the paint had bubbled up and I pressed it a small portion caved in.  That didn’t sit well with me but the thing is still working.  I thought for sure I broke it when I turned on the hot water upstairs it started to spit and there was a period where nothing happened.  I think there were air bubbles in the line and they had to be forced out before the stilly thing would start working again.  It does work and there isn’t a leak at the moment on the floor.  Looks like I will be replacing this thing sooner rather than later.  Since it’s only me here when the time comes I will look at a tankless water heater.  Two reasons, #1 it will be the last water heater I buy.  #2 it’s just me here and it makes no sense to keep gallons of water heated on demand 24/7.  I just hope this thing holds it self together until I can sort things out with Momma.  She is priority #1 when it comes to expenses. 

I did keep busy today more so than normal.  I scanned a bunch of my old tax records and then shredded the originals.  That was a fun little exercise.  I zipped the files and encrypted them.  Then placed them in my on-line vault for safe keeping.  It’s something that I need to hang on to but not something that I need to occupy space.  I’ve got lots of paper here like that and scanning it and eliminating the physical copy is something I should do.  It’s not something that will happen in a weekend or even a day.  It will take time and eventually I will get it all done.  I am in no hurry. 

I called my friend and he was of some comfort to me but in the end he didn’t offer me any advice other than it’s going to cost a lot and I should consider how much I want to spend and how the cat feels.  Big whoop I already knew that.  This isn’t my first rodeo.  I didn’t want to call him but eventually I caved and had to talk with someone.  I will be chatting about her tomorrow at work and she will be at the forefront of my mind for a very long time. 

My back is in a bunch of knots.  My massage the other day just irritated things and didn’t really solve anything.  Not sure that I will be going back this week but maybe.  I really need for payday to hit and see what I have left.  I have to send money to pay off vet bills and my Amazon Prime Membership as well as the pants I ordered.  None of this is due now but it will be and I don’t like to wait for the bills to show up in the mail as a surprise.  I like to pay for things in full once I have the money.  I don’t carry any credit card debt and I am quite proud of that.  I’ve got a personal loan for the roof that will finally be paid for after this year and then I will have some extra cash to save and hopefully will be able to finally start to get ahead. 

Going to surf for some porn then go get a massage from my machine and call it a night.  Watching TV with the kids and resting up for what I am sure will be a hell of a week. 

Cheers for now!

Likely Heart Failure

I took Ms. Momma back to the vet because her paw is still swollen.  They think that it just needs more time but that overall it’s improving.  I am supposed to massage her paw a couple times a day to help with the swelling. 

I’ve noticed issues with her breathing and mentioned them.  Wow that is a quick way to run up a bill.  It looks like she has heart failure and the outcome is poor.  I had a choice to do nothing, to tap her and wait & see how much fluid comes back or to give her a low dose of Lasix and see if that will help.  I chose the Lasix route, this will have an affect on her kidneys but they were in good shape as of the last blood work.  Right now the time estimate I have is that I will loose her in the next 3 months. 

I know my cat and I knew there was something else wrong and this fluid retention thing is new.  It looked like she was trying not to drown the other night and I thought that was rather odd. 

I am in a bit of shock but I am kind of peeved about the bill I got.  They charged me $40 to do an ultrasound but no one asked me if it was okay, they just did it.  Like I have deep pockets or something.  Yeah she probably needed it and it’s what provided the insight into the fluid level but it would have been nice if someone would have asked me if I was okay with it and told me what it costs before they just did it. 

As for the time frame to live, I had the sense that I am going to lose her.  I think it will be soon but I honestly don’t know what soon translates to as for the time.  Ms. Momma is a tough old woman who gave birth to 4 kids and 1 of them had a death diagnosis all the time but he outlived all of them until they finally gave up on telling me a time frame.  I think that could easily be the case with her.  You think the worst because of the findings you see today but in a couple weeks you could get a whole different picture and that could easily change things maybe speed things up or maybe slow thing down. 

So long as neither of us is suffering I will do everything I can for her because I love her.  That doesn’t mean taking out a 2nd mortgage on the house because I know in the end it’s a loosing battle.  But I’m willing to spend a little bit on her if it buys me more time.  I am already in shutdown mode and slowly trying to prepare for the inevitable.  While at the same time trying to enjoy the time I have with the other two cats.  You just never know I could go before any of them.  It’s not likely but it is possible.

I kind of wish I had someone with me to help me absorb the news and comfort me but hey I’ve been down this road before and it’s not fun.  It’s a road that you want to get off of as soon as you can because it’s quite the emotional & financial rollercoaster.  I want to keep them forever but I know that just isn’t possible. 

This is not the way I wanted to start off the week.  I’ve given her the first dose of the Lasix and I hope that it works it’s magic to get rid of the fluids but that it doesn’t dehydrate her terribly.  I wish that there was a pill that would just target the excess fluid around her lungs and not totally dehydrate her but such a pill doesn’t exist.

I’ve got homework to do in that I have to monitor her heart rate and chart it.  Then bring all that data with me to the next visit which will be in 2 weeks.  I’m seeing a different vet them, one that is a little more cost friendly.  I do look forward to the day I have no pets in that I won’t have to deal with this vet.  I’m only going there because I know they provide the best care.  They aren’t the cheapest.  If I get another pet after these 3 fur balls have passed away I will choose a different vet because I’m really over being taken to the cleaners financially.  I know I could switch now but again it’s about the level of care.  I have every confidence in the world that I am getting world class care but I am also getting world class raped when it comes to the cost. 

Here’s hoping that things go up from here.  2020 isn’t off to the greatest of starts but the year still has 11 more months so things have plenty of time to get better.   

Sleepy Saturday

Good Day!

Ms. Momma is doing better.  She is acting more like her normal self.  However, something was going on with her breathing last night.  I am keeping an eye on her.  Last night I turned off my air purifier and white noise machines so that I could clearly hear everything.  Her stomach gurgled and I was looking at her with a flashlight from my bed.  She stared back to me as if to say roll over it’s okay.  The swelling has dissipated some, hopefully it will fully resolve soon.  She is asking me to pick her up and she is sleeping in my lap.  All good signs!

I have slept the day away.  It’s cold and wet outside.  It’s rained more today.  We have ice and snow on the way.  I was fortunate to get out of bed by 2p and grabbed lunch, the mail and some cat food.  Then it was back home.  I am working on laundry and cleaning up email and contacts. 

No real motivation for me today, I should hopefully snap out of it tomorrow.  It might be a fun commute in the morning with ice on the way but I still need groceries and that won’t stop me.  I’ll slide all the way to the store if need be. 

That’s it for the moment.  Back to the fun of life and relaxing.  I also need to pass out food for dinner.  I am surprised no one is meowing it’s getting close to 6p and that’s around the time I walk in the door from a normal work day.  I’m also thinking of eating again since my only meal was at 2p unless you count the pastry and soda I had for breakfast at 6a. 

Be safe, stay warm and we shall talk again soon. 

Friyay

I am happy that we finally made it to the end of the week.  What a week it’s been!  I woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare.  It had nothing to do with Momma but my instincts kicked in and I had to check on her.  I shined a flashlight on her and I guess that made her mad because she left the room.  I was up for an hour and then went back to bed. 

When I woke up this morning I found her in the kitchen all curled up by the backdoor.  Her chest was moving but when I touched her she was cold and it took a little bit to wake her up.  She was a tad bit confused but shook it off and was ready for breakfast.  Gator stuck her nose in the plate and that always makes Momma leave.  It’s just her motherly instincts, she always lets the kids eat first.  You would think that would ware off with time and age but nope, she is still polite as ever. 

The red mark appears to be gone from her arm but the bit still looks bad.  The swelling in her paw hasn’t resolved yet.  I guess it will be a slow thing but I will probably be over protective of her and reach out to the vet tomorrow if there isn’t some improvement with the swelling.  She is a purr machine I tell you.  Always purring away and her kids are exactly like their mom. 

I still have the concern that I am going to lose her sooner rather than later.  I just hope that I am wrong and she is like a Timex.  I am really baffled at where a spider could have come from and why it had to pick on any of the cats much less Momma.  Poor girl. 

I spied on the house a little while ago but everyone is in their respective hiding place.  Marv is under the couch likely.  Momma and Gator are in my room.  I really need more than 1 camera.  I hope that my sweet girl will progress and make a full recovery from this. 

I’m on call next week so I have that to look forward to.  Working on a report that I hate but it’s keeping me busy and has helped pass the morning by.  The afternoon will probably drag a bit but I am so ready to get out of here.  It’s raining and has been since last night.  There is a Winter component to this storm and we should see snow tomorrow, so you know the grocery stores will be packed as everyone will be stocking up on the makings for French Toast … Milk, Eggs and Bread.  Not me I will wait until Sunday and do my normal shopping then.  It’s in the 60’s here now so the thought of snow just doesn’t seem like it will do much if any damage.  Weather is a crazy thing just like life. 

Have a super weekend and we will talk again soon. 

Update on Momma

Once again her name rings true, she is Lucky!  Apparently something bite her elbow and that is what caused the swelling.  There is in infection and a huge red line that shows it’s spreading.  A couple more days and she would have been in serious trouble.  Thankfully my observant and obsessive behavior paid off in a large way and she got to cash in another life.  This is either a cat bite or a spider bite.  I was told to go home and vacuum and I did just that to my room.  I had skipped it last weekend because they were all resting.  Next time I am going to kick them out.  I don’t think she would have gotten into a squabble with Gator and Marvin is whipped so he wouldn’t fight his own mother.  This had to be a spider bite.  Not that I want it but I would rather have it bite me than one of the cats.  Whatever it is I am fairly confident that Momma killed it.  

The vet gave her an injection of antibiotics and I have to monitor her and check the line and see overall how she is doing.  We should be all set in two days if the antibiotic is going to be able to kill the infection, if things are worse then she will need to go back and that will mean more money flying out of my pocket.  Speaking frankly with the vet I have maybe the rest of the year left with Lucky pushing beyond that is probably stretching things.  However, that’s not to say it’s not possible.  The way she is going through her lives she is close to running out of them. 

I was surprised they are renovating the vets office from top to bottom.  Looks like my money is being put to good use.  I think my name should be on a wall for all of the thousands of dollars they have milked out of me over the years.  However, I know I am not alone. 

Now pay day can’t come fast enough for me.  I need a cash infusion so that I can give money to the credit cards and pay the other bills.  Mentally I am freaking out but in doing some math I see that I will be okay.  It’s just expenses are adding up.  $100 for pants.  $100 for the vet.  $$ for a massage and another $100 for Amazon Prime.  It seems I am spending money faster than I am making it, which is a very bad thing. 

Now on to supper and resuming a normal evening.  I got a couple extra hours which is kind of nice.  Kind of wish I would have stayed home though but overall I’m happy with the decision I made they seem to have paid off and my momma got the care she needed. 

Emotional Rollercoaster Continues

I’ve noticed over the last couple days that Ms. Momma looks to be retaining fluid.  This morning one of her front paws is noticeably larger than the other.  She seems pretty normal with the new attitude that she has exhibited.  However, she shouldn’t be puffing up like a marshmallow. 

She could have congestive heart failure which is causing this or it could be an allergic reaction or probably a million other things that I don’t want to know. 

I was all over the place on how to move forward.  I went to work and called the vet.  They had an afternoon cancellation so I am leaving after lunch and headed home.  We will see the doctor later this afternoon and perhaps figure out what in the world is going on with her. 

I still have the instinct that something isn’t right and if off as well as the though that I am going to lose her.  I’m so scared and really wish I had someone in my life to lean on.  I know that all I can do is see what the vet has to say and then make an informed decision based off of the advice I get.  I’d love it if we could figure out what is going on and fix it without draining my wallet or hurting her. 

I did look at photos and one paw has been larger than the other or so it appears.  However, I haven’t noticed that one paw was like the size of a large dog and the other tiny, which is how it appeared this morning.  She didn’t seem to mind at all.  She ate a little bit and then curled up.  I gave her some belly rubs which she opened up for and enjoyed.  Not sure if she was acting or if she really enjoyed them. 

I’d love to get off of this rollercoaster but I still want my Momma.  Not sure if that is going to be possible but being all over the place doesn’t help me.  My other fear is that I lose her that Gator or Marv will be quick to follow and I don’t want that either. 

Stay tuned for further updates.  Not sure if I will be up for posting again tonight but that kind of depends on what I hear. 

Sore but moving

It was difficult as I expected to get out of bed this morning and get moving but I did it.  Yeah me.  Staying home another day or working from home would have been nice but why push it. 

Digging out was a little rough this morning but I am finally all caught up.  Just passing time away before it’s time to get into rush hour traffic on my journey home.  I’ve got 2 packages waiting for me both have pants in them.  How exciting, clothing.  I know not exactly what I wanted but something I needed. 

Ms. Momma was shaking her head last night so I figured I’d look in her ears.  Wow there was a tons of junk in there.  I got a lot of it out but she grew intolerant and I had to get her back to the floor.  She walked around shaking her head more.  Her ears wouldn’t cause the odd behavior.  I did get her to socialize a bit last night.  I also skipped her evening pill.  My body was just killing me and fighting with a cat or two just wasn’t top of my list.

Right now I can only hope that the old Ms. Momma’s personality/behavior will come back.  Sooner rather than later would be nice.  I’m so confused as to why the change if there is nothing wrong with her, at least detectable via blood work.  Even if this change is permanent, my love for her hasn’t changed and her love for me seems to be the same.  Perhaps this is just her aging.  Doesn’t mean I have to like it but I do have to live with it. 

Ah well nothing much else going on.  I am going to finish up a couple tasks here and then go play in traffic.  Thinking Shepard's Pie for supper.  Hope your all doing well.  Talk with you again soon.   

Sore Muscles

Yesterday afternoon the fire alarm went off.  It wasn’t going off on our floor or in my office but you could hear it in the stairwell.  We wound up leaving and that means I had to take the stairs.  My legs were like Jell-O when I was done and getting to sit back down never felt so good.  It was a false alarm which didn’t make me terribly happy. 

I got a call from the vet and turns out Momma’s blood work was normal.  She is slightly dehydrated but otherwise everything looks fine.  Kidney values and Thyroid were the main concern and it’s all going good.  So no answers as to why this is happening other than old age.  They told me to give her a little bit of fluid and that should make her appetite return.  I didn’t bother telling them I already gave her another appetize stimulant.  I followed up with a small dose of fluids when I got home.  She is back to eating but it’s due to the medicine.  She is going pretty good right now.  My guess is that her appetize will drop again with time but perhaps I will get lucky and she will be over the hump.  She is socializing a little bit but she spends most of her time in my room curled up in the pet bed.  I’m fine with that.  So I spent a bunch of money and have no answers.  Kind of sucks but I am glad that I don’t have bad news, which is kind of what I was expecting.  I still know that eventually be it a year or twelve she will eventually leave me so I still value each and every moment that I get to spend with her. 

I woke up this morning and knew there was no way I was leaving the house.  I thought about working from home but instead just opted to call in.  There hasn’t been a lot of activity today but I do have a few things to catch up on.  I got in some sleep.  I will take extra medicine tonight so hopefully I sleep.  I really want to go back tomorrow.  My legs hurt worse than my back but it will ear off eventually. 

So I don’t have any more pants problems I placed an Amazon order for 3 more pairs.  They have a slight stretch so they are comfortable and hopefully between me and my doctor we can figure out how to get me to lose some weight or at least maintain where I am at.  I’m not uncomfortable but I don’t want to blow up like a balloon. 

There you have it the very latest from my exciting life.  At least I avoided a day of rush hour traffic.  Last nights commute home was horrible and I managed to get behind Mr. Safety who was hogging the left lane so I had to unsafely pass him on the right.  I barley touched the gas and I was doing 100mph.  I love my vehicle but it was fun and scary at the same time to go that fast.  Middle of the week tomorrow and boss man will be back.  I know I won’t have a great day but hopefully it will be better than today. 

My Momma

Ms. Momma is back to being picky about eating.  She did nibble a bit this morning.  I gather she doesn’t feel well again.  I hit her with her Thyroid medicine and another Appetite Stimulant.  I figure she has all day to rest.  Hopefully she will be hungry tonight.  I hate this merry go round effect.  Where things are great for a short period of time and then stop.  It solidifies for me that unless we can figure out what the heck is going on with her that her time is limited.  She is a brave and tough woman who has been to hell and back.  I know she loves me more than life it’s self and I don’t want to be forced to make a “decision” but I also don’t want to see her like this as it’s not a quality life. 

I am hopeful that I will get a call with her blood work results as well as when I arrive home that she is doing better.  3 little cats are my world and they are all important to me.  However, right now Momma is the one I am most worried about and rightfully so.  The other two seem to be doing just fine. 

I spent some quality time with Marvin last night and groomed him.  He’s turned in to quite the drool monster.  Get him relaxed and it just pours out of him.  It’s a common thing and something that he started with once he grew older.  It was just less pronounced.  There are times when he won’t drool at all but apparently from what I saw in his fur last night he’s been at it for a few days.  No worries.  As long as he is happy.  I love to put him on the couch.  He seeks attention but once he gets it he calms down and will relax and completely unwind.  He loves to be close to me but on the couch it’s like his little oasis and he knows daddy is actively watching him and no one or nothing will hurt him.  I am just in aw that I have that power and can make him feel so comfortable. 

I always worry a little bit about each one of them they are on my mind.  However, right now that there is a problem it’s the worst.  I don’t like this at all because I have this uneasy feeling and there is fear of the unknown.  There is also the fear that her time is around the corner.  She has CTD (circled the drain) more than once and come back.  However, each circle takes something out of her and lessens her chance for a full and complete recovery, just as with a person.  I don’t think she has used 9 lives but she is close and unfortunately there is no leveling up like you can in a video game to get more lives. 

In other news, I picked out a pair of pants and in sucking in my gut to try to get them on I did something to my back and it hurts.  Needless to say I didn’t wear those pants to work.  I won’t be in them for a long time if ever again.  This gut of mine seems to be growing and that isn’t something I need or want.  I can buy new pants so that I am comfortable but I really don’t want to.  Clothes aren’t something I think much of, so long as everything is presentable I can wear the same thing for years and it won’t bother me.  Might bother others but not me. 

Work is a bit slow today but everyone is getting there respective groove back on so I figure in the next few days things will pick up.  One more day of rest before boss man comes back.  Between Momma and my back I thought seriously about working from home today and I probably could have with out an issue but I figured it would do both Momma and me good to separate for a few hours. 

Happy 1st Monday.  Talk with you again soon. 

Ah Sunday

I’m feeling pretty good today compared to how I was feeling yesterday.  I still feel a little under the weather but not enough to affect my performance.  Hopefully this theme will continue.  I wanted to buy some soup at the grocery store but managed to forget that as well as Ham flavored baby food.  I was a little slow to get out of bed but I also turned in late.  I just wasn’t feeling tired so I kept watching TV and then I looked at the time.  I had taken my pills but it was like they weren’t working fast enough.  Eventually I did manage to turn everything off and fall asleep.

Slow to rise I made it out of the house a little later than normal.  Missed my usual friend at Steak N Shake.  I had their Spicy Chicken Sandwich.  It was really good but it was on the spicy side.  I just felt the need to switch things up a bit.  Tired of the same old stuff.  I had to have an Eggnog shake to cool my mouth down. 

Made it to the grocery store and did my shopping.  Had 5 minutes to spare and was in line for my haircut.  That went really fast.  Then on to Target to pick up a couple things.  They have baby food but didn’t have Ham flavor and by then I had forgotten all about looking for soup.  Next stop was the gas station and then finally home sweet home.  The best impulse buy I made was 4 Butter Rum Muffins.  Damn they are so good and I can just feel the pounds packing on as I eat each and every bite but they are just too good to look at.  I’ve only had 1 but they probably won’t last long.  I will also be looking for them next week.  A grocery store best find!

I managed to spend way more than I wanted to.  I should have put somethings on credit.  I’ve given though to taking one of my cards that has a 0 balance and just start using it to pay for everything and locking my debit card.  I’d get a cash back reward but I would also have a bill to pay.  I’m mulling it over.  Not sure that this is something I really want to do but I do see the perk.  I like the feeling of paying cash when I can it’s just one less bill I have to worry about. 

Just took a stroll down memory lane.  I was looking for a legal document and found a bunch of pictures of myself taken through the years during school.  I snapped copies of them so I can keep them on my phone.  I got a couple photos where I was quite the handsome stud.  Never knew I looked that good.  I also found some report cards from when I was in grade school.  They talked about a self confidence issue  I always lacked self confidence, I think it’s from the physical abuse I endured.  Then lump in my sexuality and presto you have quite the mix.  I am much more self confident today than I have ever been.  There are moments when I have doubts but I think that is normal for everyone from time to time.  It was nice to see the old me.  I didn’t find the document I was looking for.  Ah, well just means I will have to look in other places.  If it’s here I am sure it will turn up eventually.  Probably when I no longer want it. 

Remember me remarking about my brother?  Well I found a photo on-line via his wife’s social media presence where he is looking at a new born.  I think it’s her son’s kid but I have no idea.  One would think that if I was an uncle that someone would tell me but then again this is my brother were talking about.  I don’t want to be an uncle but if I am then so be it.  I’m not a fan of kids. 

I woke up to find that I had someone interested in me.  I took a look and he was okay.  I was going to match with him this afternoon but when I went back he had un-liked me so there went that.  I honestly don’t have high hopes for the on-line thing.  Getting out in person I think will yield much better success.  Stay tuned because that is coming in due time or so I keep telling myself.  Doing nothing, changes nothing!

The cat kids are all doing fine.  They want their dinner so I will be climbing the stairs in a bit to get them fed.  I need to shave and make my dinner, which won’t be pizza for a change.  I’m still waiting on the blood work results and feel good about them coming back tomorrow.  If I don’t hear anything then I will be calling for sure on Tuesday looking for answers.

Here’s hoping that it’s a great week for all of us.  First full week of 2020.  Back to Business.  Take care and be well.  Talk with you all again soon.  Thanks as always for your visit. 

Kindness of a stranger

Happy New Year everyone!  I hope that 2020 is going well for all of you and that there is plenty of good and positive things on the road ahead. 

On the work front, we moved back to our new permanent spaces on Thursday shortly after lunch.  It was a hurry up and pack type event.  We had rain/snow in the forecast for Friday so everyone just opted to get it done.  The rain/snow never came and I’m okay with that.  I had work piling up while I was in the process of moving.  My new office was filthy and I cleaned one of the cabinets where it looks like someone shot their load in a couple of them.  It was just outright disgusting.  I said nothing and just kept on moving.  I had to do a minimal setup so I could get back to work but I took my sweet time.  I finished cleaning and unpacking yesterday.  This morning I woke up with a sore throat so likely something I cleaned had germs on it.  I’m not happy about it but what can you do? 

Our new guy was really getting tired of his corded headset, so I used my power and weight (what little bit I have) and talked with the right people.  I got him a Bluetooth Headset.  He was talking about buying one and I figured why should he shell out the money for one when we have them in house.  I called him up and told him that I had news so good he would want to kiss me.  He was elated and said that he would have kissed me if I was there in person.  Funny thing is that he was getting ready to make a purchase.  I blew him away.  I’ve gone out of my way to make him feel comfortable and at home.  The headset thing should have been handled by our boss but I know that spineless wimp would have made excuses and he probably wouldn’t have gotten one.  So since I knew how to work the system and make it happen, why not do it?  I wouldn’t do these things for just anyone so it’s a good thing for him that I have a crush on him, but I know he’s taken.  I see no reason to share that news with him as that would probably change things between us and that is the last thing I want to happen. 

On a professional level the new guy is killing it compared to the lazy incompetent piece of shit we used to have.  He seems pretty comfortable in processing the off boarding and I am keeping a close eye on his work for a tad longer but I am just about ready to cut him loose on that front.  Then we move on to bigger things.  I keep joking with him that once he is fully trained they won’t need me.  I should probably stop saying that because it could become a self fulfilling prophecy and that I don’t want.  I need my job despite the complaining I do.  We have a couple more days of piece and quiet before boss man returns on Wednesday and then it will be back to the normal bullshit. 

On the home front life here is normal as normal gets.  The cats are ruling me and I am letting them.  Momma is doing pretty good.  We got her blood work done this morning.  She was such a good girl.  Only a minor meow on the way over and a little chatter on the way in but hey it was cold outside I would chatter as well.  The tech that did the work charged me for a different panel of work, which I think will capture more than just her thyroid.  It cost slightly more but I paid the money.  I figure everything happens for a reason and perhaps this panel will be the tip off and unlock the mystery as to what is truly going on with her.  Hopefully it won’t be anything terrible.  Her weight is up slightly which is encouraging.  Plus she is still eating like she is pregnant.  All the time food and water.  She is up multiple times during the night.  She sleeps for a bit then grazes and comes back to sleep again.  She seems more like her normal self.  I do hope that I get answers and that I can stomach whatever news comes my way.  I expect the call tomorrow but Monday at the latest. 

I didn’t take my sleeping pills last night and was up most of the night.  It’s okay because today is Saturday but this isn’t the way I wanted the night to go.  Plus that doesn’t help my health and could be why I feel so lousy today. 

I did venture out this afternoon and grabbed a bite to eat at Cracker Barrel.  Something about their soup is so comforting to me and it seems to cure my ill or so I think.  I got to see a hot table of boys and then a hot buss boy.  The table next to me had a small family and they were gathering to celebrate Christmas.  They started unwrapping presents towards the end of my meal and it was kind of enjoyable to watch.  I think they felt sorry for me because I was alone.  I suppose that shows on my face along with the other emotional wounds I have more than I know or want it to.  At any rate it took forever to get the bill and finally the waitress told me.  Someone already took care of your bill, so your good to go.  I was surprised.  I have no idea who took care of me but I do appreciate it.  That is the kind of things I like to do for others.  Sometimes I make it known and other times I let it be a surprise.  I never thought in a million years it would come back to me.  That made me feel really good. 

I grabbed the mail and some cat food then headed back home.  So I need to start the chores and I am going to relax a bit more.  Might as well make the most of the weekend and the time I have because sooner rather than later it will be back to the old bump and grind.  I just hope I feel better tomorrow and that I am not getting sick as I think I am.  I still have my knot in my back and looking forward to Thursday because I plan to book time with the massage therapist.  Perhaps she can get rid of my unwanted friend. 

Thus far 2020 seems to be okay.  Funny thing is I am wondering about how my brother is doing and if he is happy.  I’m not knocking on his door to find out as that will just open the proverbial can of worms.  Every time I have anything to do with him I wind up getting hurt and I just can’t afford that.  Still he is blood family and I think it’s only natural to wonder about him.  I am probably not even on his radar, if I am he’s not reaching out. 

Before I go a quick legal tip.  If you sign any legal documents be sure to write the year as 2020 and not just 20.  Reason being is that someone could alter the document and write in digits behind the 20 so an example they could make it 2019 or 2017 and that could cause problems.  I read this on social media and it took a minute to soak in but I’m passing it on as a good will gesture. 

I shall talk with you again soon.  Take care, stay warm and be well.