10 August 2017

Depression

Earlier this week we lost a Country Legend.  I’m of course talking about Glen Campbell.  He was one of my late grandmother’s favorites.  There were a few songs of his that I like.  I watched some YouTube videos of his and also a news source video.  One of his last written songs talks about not missing you, it’s because his memory was going and he would have no recollection.  He wrote it mainly for his wife to express his love. 

Alzheimer’s has taken many of people, one of them being a relative of mine.  It’s sad because the body is fine but the mind turns to liquid shit with time.  We all struggle with memory issues from time to time but Alzheimer’s is obviously way more serious.  My bosses father has it and he is close to the end. 

Thinking about this combined with missing my late grandmother and more recently my late partner.  I am depressed.  All I want to do is cry but I can’t.  It’s just exposure to an old wound that is pretty deep.  More of my focus is on the fact that I am alone and don’t have anyone.  Finding someone is a struggle.  I want to be someone’s focus.

This too shall pass, but it really sucks.  I was telling the kids last night about how I am surprised that I made it through the circumstances that faced me and that I came out winning in the end.  No one thought things would go so well but I got victory more than once.  I am not saying it was luck, it was the result of not giving up and walking away.  I could have lost it all even by moving forward but I had to see it through.  I am just in awe of myself and just can’t believe that phase and fight is done.  I am certainly ready for happier times and I think I deserve and am entitled to them but the world probably disagrees with me. 

Work is kind of depressing because my friend got fired, other people have moved, I found out that one person was pretending to be my friend and that hurt, but I never confronted them.  It’s just easier to walk away.  It’s like I am all alone again.  There are people here that I can still talk with but I can’t open up much and be authentic which kind of sucks. 

I’ve been thinking about the Twinkie that I have a crush on.  I’ve got a new idea on how to get his attention but of course there is risk involved.  I am probably better from admiring from a far but I really don’t want to do that.  I want to be friends but at the end of the day I want him to be mine and I know that in all likelihood it won’t happen.  I am trying very hard not to let my emotions rule me and use a common sense approach but that’s not working out so well.

Right now I feel okay.  I am looking forward to going home being with the kids and chatting with a former co-worker to catch up.  If things don’t play out that way then I will adapt to whatever comes my way.  I have to get the trash out and prepare to come back for one more day.  Looking forward to the weekend.  I have plans to go back to a restaurant where I asked a waiter out, just want to see if maybe he came back.  He said yes to my request, took my number and never called.  I also have a letter to write to continue to do battle over ethics of my former attorney and my car debacle.  Even though I got what I wanted it’s way too convenient that they found the documents after the regulatory agency closed their file.  This smells too much like bullshit so I have to fight it.  I’ve been waiting and sitting still which is difficult but enough time has passed that it’s clear everyone wants to look the other way.  Well not me.  I am not one to be trifled with and so many people learn that lesson the hard way. I may not win but I will give you a good run for your money and I will try my best to win.

That’s all I got, it’s close to quitting time and this is the calmest it’s been in weeks.  I have work to do but it will be there tomorrow and I am going to enjoy the peace and quiet while I make an attempt to regain what sanity I have left.  Serenity now! 

No comments: