Alone

It’s no secret that I don’t have a lot of friends.  Right now I sure could use one of them to talk to.  I feel very scared, alone and just afraid of what the future holds.  I know that if I survived my partners death that odds are pretty great I can survive anything. 

However, being faced with the loss of my income is very scary.  IF this happens on one hand it will be a relief to finally be free of the tyrant.  While that will make me feel good, my eyes will be fixed on the fact that there is no money coming in.  Unemployment doesn’t pay.  I think I will get a severance package but honestly as cheap as they are I don’t think it will be much.

Thinking about things I have hatched a plan that may very well save my job.  It could also turn and bite me in the ass.  Either way it’s a card that I have to play.  It may help me in the end if things do turn south. 

I have documentation out the wazoo but I honestly don’t know if it will aid me in a legal battle or not.  I much prefer to keep my information hidden and keep my job. 

I was hired to do a job, I was hired to protect the company and for doing that I am rewarded by being kicked to the curb.  Something sounds fishy there.  I had thoughts in the beginning that perhaps this was a temporary thing that I would be used to install WIFI and then sent packing.  They have kept me on so far past that I honestly stopped thinking that.

I did start the year out by saying I have to be free of this place, this year.  Well I may very well get my wish.  There is much more to this story but I just don’t want to put it in to words.

I am tired of living my life in constant fear.  What if this, what if that.  It seems that I was beat up as a child a lot and now I am going through being beat up as an adult.  I am ready to get happy and stay happy. 

You know I have heard this voice saying you will be okay, I will take care of you.  I wonder if that is God or if that is just my imagination playing tricks on ne.  I know that I have been okay for a while, despite the fact my finances include a deficit each month.  If it wasn’t for taxes and insurance I would have extra money that I could tuck away.  However, I had to pay those bills.  It feels good to pay cash for things but at the same time I see my nest egg dwindling. 

Right now I could use my rock for a hug, some sage advice and well a shoulder to cry on.  All I have are the cats and they listen to me babble but I don’t think they grasp the entire issue. 

Thus far I am still employed and will be going back tomorrow for another day of fun.  It’s hard to concentrate.  I know the HR person is out tomorrow so chances are I will survive Monday.  I am not exactly certain when the plan is to kick me out, but I know it’s imminent.  I only hope that I can thwart the efforts to get rid of me.  I know that it is supposed to pass through many channels before it’s ever etched in stone.  I think that I have a couple people on my side but I am not sure how hard they will fight for me, if at all.  That is kind of the problem working for a smaller family business.

If I get called for an interview anywhere, I don’t care the date or time time.  I will go against my moral code and use sick time.  I was on Linked In earlier today knowing that they have implemented a blocking system.  I looked up my bad reference, only to find that she has moved on to another company and is now a VP in IT.  She clawed her way to the top and crapped on many people to get where she is today.  I just couldn’t believe it when I saw that VP.  I blocked her.  I also blocked my so called friend that I referred at work.  I don’t think that she has helped my continued employment, especially since she is fighting pretty hard for her unemployment. 

Well I can babble on but it’s not going to change anything.  I have to face the music and just pray and hope for the best.  What a mountain of stress.  No wonder all I want to do is sleep. 

I am going to retire for the evening.  Shameless and Looking are on.  I just hope that I can get some sleep tonight.  I did lay down with Big Boy for an hour.  He purred up a storm.  I am fairly certain that I made his day in a very big way.  That makes me proud.  I am also equally scared about parting ways with him. 

My life just seems like one great big pile of crap, with tiny bits of good mixed in.  I hope that somehow someway this all works out to my benefit and that I am happy in the end. 

Talk with you peeps later.