Stay Home Sunday

I had to go to the store and do all of my usual weekend running on Saturday.  It worked out to my advantage, I got everything done and was able to stay home all day long.  It’s been really nice and a productive day at that. 

I fixed the screen in the front window, got the cables for the TV in the living room bundled and it looks so much better, then for the best and most taxing task of all I got Ruth’s claws trimmed.  She bit me but thankfully I had the gloves on, otherwise I’d be on my way to the hospital. 

All of the bills have been paid so we can stay here another month.  I arranged for bush trimming from a new guy.  My old lawn guy finally came through with the contract so that little bit of anxiety has been resolved.  I did try to get multiple estimates but only one person got back with me.  He was $5 higher than my regular guy and only wanted to cut for a couple months but wanted to lock me into a contract.  I almost hired him.  I’m happy this all fell into place. 

Big Boy is loaded up with lumps, which I believe are tumors.  Just because I said the word tumor doesn’t mean it’s cancer.  He’s got a bite on his back that looked like it was a large pimple.  I of course being the popping kind of guy, decided to lance it and give it a big old squeeze.  He wanted to rip my hands off.  Nothing but blood came out.  The inflammation is down a little bit.  I cleaned it up with alcohol and again he wasn’t terribly happy with me.  I have been putting antibacterial ointment on it  It apparently itches because he starts licking when I touch it.  Under normal circumstances we would have had a visit to the vet but he’s doing everything normal.  I don’t see any reason to disturb him or my wallet.  My gut feeling isn’t a good one but I am just keeping an eye on him.  He’s been through so much.  We had a nice chat over the weekend and he knows where I stand.  Normally you’d think a person talking to an animal was insane but some how me an this cat are in sync.  I can tell what he wants just by the way he asks.  It’s uncanny.  I have never been this in sync with an animal.  He is truly a special cat and he knows it. 

I’ve been having some issues with my DVR where I go to watch a program and all I get is a black screen.  Much to my displeasure I wiped the whole thing.  I tried starting small and doing a minor reset but that didn’t seem to do the trick.  I figured if I wiped everything and reset it that it would be as good as starting over.  Then if the problem still exists I will have to place a service call to get a replacement.  I’d like to avoid that if at all possible. 

My eating habits have been horrible and I know it.  I picked up a dozen donuts at the store and most of them are gone already.  My favorite brownie cookies were apparently a temporary thing so I bought brownie ice cream bars.  I got a cake last week and I am still working on polishing it off, which should happen tonight.  I went out last night and got Mexican Food, which was really good but overpriced.  It was nice to see a couple hot guys. 

My employer is doing a lunch seminar on grieving.  I pretty well figured I was an expert in this subject area but found out that there are a lot of things that I didn’t know.  Like for example me keeping my late partners room like it was is called mummification.  Seeing that in print was disturbing to me.  From what little I saw I am still dealing with his passing and it’s not necessarily in a healthy way.  I’m going to the seminar in the hopes that I can learn something.  Today I made a major change in his room.  It’s actually become more of a storage area with one side of the bed cleaned off so that I can sleep in it.  I wish he had left the bathtub/shower alone then it would have been much easier for me to simply move in.  Selling this place would be the very best mental thing for me but right now it’s just not an option way too much crap here and of course the cats.  I know that if I leave I could turn a profit provided everything was in acceptable condition.  As it is right now I think I could simply walk away and get the face value to cover the mortgage.  So no loss but no gain either.  Again not an option. 

Momma is on my ass to take care of laundry and pass out some food.  She knows my routine and that I am avoiding it.  Rather than listen to her complain I am going to give in and take care of things.  Plus I need to shave and shower.  Then there is the matter of dinner, which of course will be frozen pizza.  Looking forward to it since I paid $8 for some gourmet Tombstone, it better be damn good.  Then there is the little matter of getting ready for Monday (yuk). 

Life over all here is status quo.  Outside of Big Boy nothing horribly wrong but also no over joyous news to share.  I think that finding a boyfriend would cheer me up and help me deal with my loss in a much more positive way.  I have had a few good candidates in the dating app I am using but thus far I have not matched with any of them. 

Happy April and Happy Easter.  Talk with you peeps later. 

Depressing Week

This week started off like any other but Tuesday morning I got bad news.  A guy that I had worked with in one of our other offices passed away suddenly.  Everyone said he had a cold or something but he said on Monday that he was getting better and feeling better.  Monday night I guess he took a turn for the worse and his partner took him to the hospital and he passed away there.  I don’t have any real details.  They could immerge but matters not to me, he’s still gone. 

He wasn’t attractive by my standards but I knew he was gay and he had a husband.  I sent a card and letter to his husband.  I explained that I had been through something similar and that out of the blue I lost my husband as well.  I told him about the FB gay grief group that I stumbled on and told him that might be of interest or help.  While I didn’t share this, there is no magic trick to take away the pain, it lasts for the rest of your life.  Some days are easier and others are harder.  It takes time to get comfortable again.  I feel so bad for his husband.  Odds are pretty good that his husband will get a decent life insurance benefit so money won’t be an issue.  The guy that passed was the same age as me 46.  I suspect his spouse is close if not the same age.

Someone in our office had a major work anniversary and so on Friday we got cake.  I have been craving cake for so long.  It was so good and I inhaled my piece.  I’m hitting up the up scale grocery store tomorrow and I will be coming home with a cake.  Might be small, might be large but it will be cake. 

Earlier in the week Big Boy came to sleep with me.  He has to have attention and I was rubbing him when I found a tumor.  I thought it was something in his fur but I looked and nope it’s a lump in the skin.  It’s not very big but it caused me to have some concern.  I am going to watch it and if I find others or it grows we will get it checked out.  As for now, he’s his normal self and that and money are the only things causing me not to panic. 

I’m feeling a bit off kilter today.  Gator let me sleep in until 10a when I woke on my own.  She had me up at 4, 5, 6 and 7 a.  I probably should have gotten up then but I was so wiped out.  I am still kind of wiped out and had to force myself to do the things that I planned on.  I couldn’t make a decision on where I wanted to eat at and I didn’t venture out of the house until 4p.  I did go back to sleep around noon and woke up about 3p.  I spent time with the kids and looked at my electronic leash for the first time all morning long.

I’m lacking in the food department and probably should feed my body some more but really I just want to go back to bed.  Tomorrow is another day. 

Still doing battle with the ants.  I had one stow away in my lunch box and found it Friday when I was ready to eat.  Not happy.  I’ve cleaned until I am blue in the face.  I have put down pesticide but can’t seem to stop them.  In years past I saw there point of entry but this year I am at a loss and that is why I think I am still fighting this battle and it’s not getting any better.  I’m not giving up but damn I wish they would go away. 

I have yet to hear from the lawn guy, so I suspect sooner rather than later I should get to looking for a new person to take care of the lawn and bushes.  That has caused me anxiety and has stressed me out a bit.  I don’t like looking for new, I am content to keep things the same, at least when it comes to the lawn. 

So wish I would meet the right guy.  I think that would have a larger and more profound impact on my outlook on life as well as my life in general.  Right now it’s depressing.  I have my up times but they are short lived. 

On-call next week, so some potential OT.  Thus far I have a half hour, which isn’t much.  While I need the OT I also like quiet so if I could have a decent mix of both then I guess that will please me.  Next check should have around 5 hours on it. 

All of my gift cards that I won at Christmas time have finally sold.  I took a $78 loss but I have money that I wouldn’t otherwise have so I’m pleased about that.  Going to pay off a credit card next month, it won’t kill me but it will deplete my savings a bit.  However, in the end it should have a positive effect on my credit score.  So there is an upside.  Plus I will have less debt and that is always a good thing.  There are a few other bills that I wish I could get rid of.  I suppose it will take more time.

Last week as I entered in to the grocery store I see that starting as of yesterday they are no longer a 24 hour store.  That was a huge shock to me.  It was the only grocery store in the area that still remained open 24 hours.  24 hour everything seems to be going by the way side, unless your into fitness then you have 24 hour gyms.  It is not as if I wake up in the middle of the night and want to go grocery shopping but knowing that it was possible was comforting. 

Well day has turned to night.  I’m going to climb the stairs and work my way into bed.  I will be catching some TV.  Tomorrow will be a catch up day and hopefully I will be feeling better. 

Here’s hoping that things are going well in your neck of the woods.  Talk with you folks later. 

Knotty not naughty

Another week has come to a close.  I have had time to rest for a couple days and it’s been enjoyable.  While I would like a couple more additional days it’s probably better for me to return to work.  Ugh, the dreaded Monday.  I don’t have a lot going on but my boss will be back from vacation.  Things are so much more quieter and were all more productive, guess that goes unnoticed. 

My back has been killing me.  I got a massage on Monday after spending last weekend on a heating pad and muscle relaxers.  It helped but I needed more.  Wednesday I called in and went back to muscle relaxers and the heating pad.  Thursday I got another massage and that finally did the trick and got rid of most of the knots in my back.  I should be going back this Thursday to keep things at bay but money is a little tight right now.  It kind of depends upon how much pain I am in.  I’ve thought about buying a gaming chair for work but not sure if that would do the trick. 

I am still dealing with my screw up co-worker.  I am religious about documenting what takes place and sending emails to the boss.  I also forward all of that stuff home, you know for insurance purposes.  I am way beyond my breaking point but some how manage to calm myself down and press on, repressing my anger and contempt.  At this point I don’t care if we switch titles or if he just gets shown the door.  I am going to plant the seed about switching titles, but not sure if it will mature into anything.  My personal preference is to get him out and bring in someone fresh.  Start over and hope for different and better results.  However, I am not in charge and that is also a bit frustrating to me.  I can admit that I like control, I think it’s a natural human thing.  We all want it but there can only be one person in charge. 

No word from my brother.  I presume him and his girlfriend are still toughing it out and tolerating each other.  I am kind of waiting for the next phone call.  I know he cares for her in some small fashion but she is more toxic than cigarettes.  They really need to part ways.  That’s not just because I think she is an over grown cow, but because she goes off at random about the smallest thing and then it become a major big deal quickly.  She doesn’t let things go.  I hope that eventually he will come to his senses before any real damage is done.  I can appreciate not wanting to be alone but she is clearly mooching off of him and so are her kids.  They all live under his roof and he pays the bills, the contribute nothing.  I wouldn’t allow that to happen but him and I are two totally different people. 

Considering Spring happens on Tuesday I am faced with once again the battle with the ants.  I have pretty well sealed up all of there known entry points.  However, they are still coming in and I can’t figure out from where.  They really love my bathtub for some reason.  I kill a bunch of them and an hour later there are more.  I’ve sprayed until I am blue in the face, until I know the point of entry I am fighting a loosing battle.  I have to be careful about how I deal with them so as to not poison my cats.  Marv was crying tonight because he saw some around the water dish.  There have also been a few of them on the table.  I did some research and there are 2 different kinds of ants one is attracted by food and the other is a carpenter ant, which chews through wood.  I am sure in past times I have had both but right now I am confused as to what I have.  I just want them to go away and eventually they will, it just won’t be soon enough for me. 

I am having a lot of anxiety over my lawn care.  I sent out a contract to the guy I have been using for a couple years.  He’s not that timely to respond.  Normally he reaches out to me but this year I found myself reaching out to him.  I kind of think that were done but he just doesn’t know how to break it to me.  He’s probably hoping I will go away and if that’s the case he’s will get his wish.  I sent an email to him and am giving him a little bit more time, if I don’t get a response then I will engage someone else.  Of course about the time that I do that is when he will be getting back with me.  I think he’s pissed over the fact that he got screwed out of money because he chose to mow my lawn for the longest time last year every week.  I only paid for bi-weekly service because that is what the contract is for.  He read the contract and by George it was news to him.  Never mind that our arrangement has always been bi-weekly.  I cringe at the thought of having to hire someone else.  Lawn Boy was at least dependable for the most part and there was mostly a clear line of communication, that is until he decided to go on vacation and not tell me.  I kind of miss him but at the same time I don’t.  If I have to find someone new I will move forward and not backwards. 

Charlie Puth has a new song out and it’s pretty good.  It’s called Done For Me (featuring Kehlani).  I’ve been listening to it a little bit.  I also did subscribe to Spotify.  I was able to listen to a lot of songs that I haven’t heard in years.  I only got charged the $9.99 for the service, there was no tax.  I have also kept my Pandora membership.  I like the radio on Pandora better than Spotify.  Spotify is more for listening to specific artists.  I don’t mess with the whole play list thing.  That is just messy.  I don’t go looking for them or share anything that I listen to with anyone on the app.  So for driving I like a wide variety that is up beat.  I am not a slow tempo kind of a guy.  For work I like smooth jazz – it’s got to be all instrumental I don’t like singing.  I’ve tried Rock and Pop at work and it makes me nervous.  It’s enjoyable at first but eventually I find myself going back to smooth jazz.  I am just as surprised as you are but it is what it is.  Music is a very big part of my life and has been for years.  Rock, Pop, Classical, New Age, EDM, Trance, House, Electro and even some Country.  Music evokes so much emotion and can change your mood for good or for bad. 

I did sleep most of Saturday away and the kids were on me to get moving but I ignored them as well as my inner emotion for the most part.  It a nice escape to sleep.  Yes, part of this is depression.  The other part of it is feeling exhausted and trying to gain some energy.  I did eventually get moving to get the kids food and to grab some soda for myself.  I get a case of Coke Zero from Sam’s Club and it’s all shrink wrapped.  I like that because I can take a pair of scissors and trace around the outside and the plastic comes off easily.  Well yesterday I wasn’t so careful and punctured one can.  That was a huge mess and I cleaned it up promptly.  No sense in making the ant issue any worse than it already is.  I get a case of food for Ruth and open it the same way.  It’s not exclusive to her but she does consume most of it.  We have always referred to it as “Special Food”.  Everyone likes it and they all know what I am referring to when I saw Special Food. 

Today was my trip to the store.  I stopped for breakfast and saw the cute guy that I asked out who rejected me.  Seeing him is bitter sweet.  I like looking at his body and seeing how he interacts with people.  However, the bad part is that I keep in mind he rejected me.  I want to ask him so bad, so when is school over with.  However, I fear that I may get a worse answer so I have been holding off on asking.  Looks like he got into a fender bender, I parked next to him today on purpose.  His car isn’t the neatest.  So I have my doubts if we would have clicked but that doesn’t mean that I have completely given up.  However, I think for my own psychological well being it’s probably best if I didn’t see him at all.  We caught each others eyes a couple times and he didn’t even acknowledge me.  I would have at least expected a friendly hello but I got nothing.  That hurts as well. 

Since were talking about guys, I keep telling myself that I will never find someone on a dating app but I am still using one.  I enjoy seeing who is out there.  It’s just a complete crap shoot when it comes to dating.  My odds at gambling aren’t great and dating is a lot like that for me.  So I don’t have high hopes.  I’m starting to think that I will die alone.  So long as I have my health I am fine but the second that goes I am t-totally fucked and not in a good way.  I still have aspirations of moving but that is all they are at this point.  It’s impractical to entertain those thoughts given my animal kingdom. 

I finally sold all of my Southwest Airlines Gift Cards.  I did take a hit in that I wasn’t able to move them at face value but it was only $78, which all things considered isn’t terrible.  I will get the last of my money this week.  It goes straight into savings.  I’m getting ready to pay off a credit card before interest starts accruing and my special zero percent rate runs out.  That will be a serious hit to my savings.  If I didn’t have the debt and had the same amount in the bank I would be pretty happy.  I will at least get a couple more $ in interest before I have to dip into it. 

Long story short, everything is pretty much the same.  No major issues at this time be it good or bad.  I would say I am coasting and the longer I can coast the better.  I’m so ready for a bunch of good to happen, then again I have been ready and hoping for that for quite sometime now.  Here’s hoping the rest of the year has a lot of good in store for all of us.  Good times, Good Food and Good friends. 

Best wishes for the week ahead.  Thanks for stopping by! 

Time Change Weekend

I don’t know why my body doesn’t like time change weekend.  I guess it’s the fact that I just lost an hours worth of sleep, didn’t help that I slept most of yesterday away and that I went to bed late.

My back was a bit of a train wreck from the previous week.  Being hunched over a computer is starting to take it’s toll on me.  I am seriously considering buying a gaming chair for work.  They were well padded and meant for you to sit in for long periods of time.  Plenty of adjustments and they are typically made mostly of leather.  Lots of bright colors and to go along with that a bright price tag.  I need to find someone who has one so that I can get some feedback.  I don’t want to waste my money but if it will help me I am all for it.  My employer got me a special chair but now that is no longer helping.  I don’t want to argue, get another doctors note or belabor the point.  If I can fix it on my own then that is what I want to do. 

This past week has been trouble, as per usual.  We had a cable cut with one of our ISP’s so working for the past couple days has been a bit of a challenge for everyone.  Thankfully repairs were made and everything is back to normal, just in time for a new work week to start. 

My problem child bothered the hell out of me asking me basic questions.  I don’t get why it’s so hard to fix things.  I think that if they don’t want to fire him at minimum they should demote him and the two of us should change jobs.  That would be a fair compromise to me.  I’d get a pay raise and a better title, he would probably get a pay cut and a title that would be more suited to his ability.  I’ve been asked to train him on more things.  I think they are working on building an iron clad case so that they can show he was trained, didn’t get it and there were multiple attempts made.  It doesn’t all center around one person as the trainer, there are multiple people and the outcome is the same.  If it was just me, then I’d think more along the lines that I was doing something wrong.  I was told to hang in there and that it’s being addressed.  I call bullshit on that but maybe it really is being addressed just not as swiftly as I would like. 

I need to adjust all of the clocks in the house, that is such a fun task.  Then there is keeping up with my weekend chores.  Not so sure that I will get everything done but I am giving it a go. 

Thankfully this is the last day of my on-call duties for 2 weeks.  I will enjoy being able to come home and leave work behind.  I don’t have any big plans for the next two weekends so we shall see what happens. 

The automobile is about to flip 10,000 miles.  Gas mileage seems to be getting better but maybe it’s more that I am used to what I am getting.  I really like what I have but wish that costs were lower.  When I look at replacing this vehicle I plan to get something that is less expensive all the way around.  This might have been a mid-life crisis purchase but it’s a lot of fun.  With warmer weather on the way I look forward to opening the sun shade and even cracking open the sun roof.  Driving is enjoyable provided that the destination isn’t for a task like grocery shopping, work, etc.  I am watching my pennies but look forward to my next pie run. 

Happy almost Spring and Happy Time Change Weekend.  Everything will be 1 hour shorter now and I will come home to day light eventually.  Be well, stay warm and best wishes for the week ahead. 

Love Simon

I did something last night that I said I would never do.  I went t to the movies while on-call.  It was a HUGE risk but it’s really no different than going out for dinner with a friend, it’s the same risk.  I had a couple of interruptions but it was only from my news feed and nothing work related.  Phew!

In case you can’t tell by the title I saw Love Simon, the movie that I have been dying to see.  It was a sneak preview and I was really surprised how many people were in the theatre.  You had young kids on dates with their girlfriends.  You had moms and daughters and even a few older folks.  I was kind of hoping that I could make a love connection and make this a 2 for 1 deal but that didn’t happen. 

The movie is phenomenal and it took way too long to make a movie about a coming of age Gay kid.  There were all kind of emotions and I could relate on so many levels.  I felt pain, anxiety and happiness.  The movie is PG-13 and there is no sex or nudity, there is a scene of two guys kissing, which is nice. 

My synopsis is that it’s about a young guy who is gay but keeps it a secret, he gets to come out on his own for a little bit until someone decides to out him.  He has a pen pal that he writes over email, the movie keeps you guessing about who it is.  Just when you think you have it figured out, you realize you got it all wrong.  In the end the pen pal is revealed and it’s someone you would have never guessed it would be.  As I mentioned there are lots of emotions.  A good shirtless scene with Nick Robinson (Simon).  This is a must see in my book and I am glad that I took the risk.  The movie is officially released on Thursday. 

Running Behind

My brother called me on Friday night and we got together on Saturday.  We carried out our mom’s last wishes as it pertains to her cremains.  We did the closest and best thing that we could.  The rose bush that she wanted to go in, no longer exists.  We had lunch together and chatted, it was enjoyable.  He hit another stumbling block in his relationship with the Bimbo.  Just when I thought it was over with, it appears that things are going back to the way they were.  I told him that this is the 2nd time they had an issue.  There is clearly something wrong and until you are firm and put your foot down, I don’t think that it will end.  I told him that who’s to say things won’t turn violent and someone winds up injured or worse yet dead.  While you both are walking and talking, put an end to the relationship.  It’s for the benefit of both of you.  He knows I am right but I know him and I think they will wind up staying together.  I will be happy when they are split up for good – her and her kids are moved out and he can have some peace & quiet. 

Funny thing is he told me that he keeps on putting himself last and he doesn’t do anything for himself.  I told him you need to live for you and reward yourself.  You deserve it and you are the only you there will be.  If you don’t take care of you or reward you, no one else is going to do it for you. 

I am seriously behind schedule here.  I took a nap and then dived into troubleshooting a couple of computer issues.  My machine oddly lost the drivers for my postage scale and my ups.  I have a utility that allowed me to boot to an old image of my machine and things were fine back in late February when the image was created.  So I had that copy it’s self to the original boot area and now I am back in business.  I am fighting to get windows updates to install and honestly I think they are what broke things. 

I have a toothache and it’s been around for most of the weekend.  Not something I normally get.  It’s a mild dull type pain.  I am working with Sensodyne to see if I can calm things down.  Unless there is something seriously wrong underneath this is phantom pain and should resolve on it’s own.  If not then I guess I will be making an appointment to go see Dr. Drillem.  This tooth bothers me off and on.  The doc has looked at it before and said there is nothing wrong.  She won’t pull it and there is a filling there already.  I think the filling needs to be dug out and refilled.  It’s the nerve in my opinion that is irritated. 

Back to the fun tomorrow and I will be on-call for the next week.  Here’s hoping for a little bit of overtime but nothing too drastic and I hope that my sanity stays in tact.  I voiced a complaint on Friday about how my dumb co-worker is taking away from my productivity and how that is not sustainable.  Basically I asked for my boss to do something.  I think we are rapidly approaching a fork in the road and it’s going to be a him or me type situation.  I can’t take a whole lot more, but then again I didn’t think I would survive this far.  I also didn’t think he would be employed with us that long. 

Well Windows Updates are done.  I need to restart and then when the system comes back up, I will have to go up and medicate the children and myself.  Then try to relax and unwind so I can get up tomorrow and go back to all that fun I have. 

Hope your doing well.  Take care and be well. 

Wednesday and part of Thursday

Daily blogging is kind of fun plus it allows me to not have to try to remember what in the world happened as the week unfolded. 

Last night it was time to pay my Auto Insurance.  Then I thought I would be productive and get a contract ready for my lawn guy.  I worked through that and got it ready to mail.  I went to print the stamp and weighed the letter.  I have a USB scale and it was powered on yet my computer said it wasn’t connected.  How very strange.  So I unplugged the USB router and that was the start of a huge time suck.  When I did that it powered down my external encrypted USB drive where my financial data and documents live along with some other important things.  Problem is I only have to enter the password like 1 time a year so it’s not something I remember.  I started guessing passwords and trying everything I knew to recover from this.  When finally I saw the option for Rescue User and there is an admin account that I fortunately knew the password to and was able to recovered.

It didn’t help things that I promised the kids TV time and Momma tried to hold me to that but her attempts were futile.  By the time I was done I found myself going through the evening motions and getting ready for the next day.  Then it was time for bed.  I couldn’t watch TV for very long in my room before I was out cold.  I start watching a show and wake up 1/2 way through not knowing what happened.  I am so back logged on watching TV that I shouldn’t suffer from what to watch syndrome for a while.  Plus there are more things recording tonight. 

I don’t have any need to play with the computer tonight, other than email and I am probably going to take care of that from work.  So that I can devote my evening to relaxing and unwinding.  I think the cats and myself will enjoy that much more than me running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off. 

Stress seems to be a little larger this week.  It’s the 1st of the month and a Full Moon.  Just glad I am not on-call this week.  I am next week.  Lots of strange things happen when there is a full moon.  Thursday has been a little crazy but just a few more hours and then I will be able to head home to the furry family. 

Glad tomorrow is Friday!  Hope all is well in your world and the sun is shining.  Weather is warmer here but we have been drowned in a bunch of rain. At least were closer to Spring and nice weather will be here before you know it.  

Review

I had my review and everything is all good.  My boss mentioned our prior discussions but said that it wouldn’t be reflected in the documentation.  I am still waiting to see my copy.  I heard the overwhelming praise, the rubber stamp thank you and how valuable I am speech.  All things considered I think I am a lucky guy.  I just need that overtime back in order to stay a float or a serious pay raise.  I’ll be campaigning for that later this year.  Right now I am just keeping track of all of the good and how I am contributing over and above.  I will keep my eyes open to see what the market has to offer but doubt seriously if I would leave.  Having 3 years in and getting ready to ring in 4, I am 1 year away from getting extra PTO.  Yes, I am bitter and angry.  I feel like I was fucked without lube or even a kiss, but I am playing along for the moment.  While I appreciate the rubber stamp speech that I typically get on a daily basis, I would appreciate money much more.  You can’t slice a thank you speech and pay bills. 

Speaking of which I just finished paying bills and I see money left over.  That’s from overtime.  I backed out my overtime from this check and found that I would need a few hundred dollars more just to break even.  That doesn’t allow for living, that is just paying the bills.  I’d have to charge groceries, gas, cat food and anything else that I needed.  My biggest expense is the vehicle and yes I am living well above my means but at the same time, rewarding myself for all of the shit I have been through is appropriate.  I mean I have 1 very nice thing and I appreciate it but at the same time I am scared to death that I am going to go under.  Getting rid of it is an option but I would still take a financial bath.  I just finished paying off the financial bath I took back in September and am not ready to take another one.  However, depending upon what the future has in store for me I may have to acquiesce.  For now I drive and enjoy. 

Momma is chirping and it’s 1/2 hour later than normal.  So I need to get cracking because soon it will be bed time.  My boss is out tomorrow so I look forward to that, I can hopefully get some shit done.  At least I have plans to, lets see what the day has in store and if I will be able to. 

Happy end to Tuesday.  Here’s hoping Wednesday is a productive and kind day.  Cheers!

1 down 4 to go

Monday is behind us.  The conference calls I was dreading are done.  They turned out okay but as per usual we didn’t stick to an agenda and got off course more than once.  We ran out of time and have to schedule another call for later in the week. 

Tomorrow I get to have a quarterly review, zipity doo dah.  I really want to unload but I will go in guarded and depending upon what is said I may or may not voice concern.  Regardless if I voice concern or not, I expect the results will be the same.  Sort of like buying a lottery ticket, there is a chance I one could win but the odds are slim. 

Wolfed down my Lasagna from Maggiano’s, it was really tasty.  Followed that with some Mint Fudge Gelato.  A great combination.  Now I need to take some heartburn medicine. 

Tomorrow nights menu is left over pizza and the same thing for desert.  Fun task tomorrow night, paying bills.  I’ll be glad when we get to flip the calendars to March.  New men to look at on the calendars.  Plus it brings us closer to Spring and lawn care.  Not looking forward to the lawn care part but Spring yeah kind of excited for that.  Even though it will be some aggravation to my allergies I look forward to short sleeves and no jacket or coat.  Sun roof open and enjoying some rays. 

Up to watch some TV and spend a little time with the kids before it’s time for bed.  American Greed on CNBC is back with a new season and I look forward to watching, that is a great show. 

Momma is squawking at me which means it’s time to run.  Hope you all had a great day.  Here’s to a great rest of the week ahead. 

Talk Therapy

It’s been a rollercoaster week.  Sit back, relax and I’ll take you through it.

We had a bunch of people at work forward and click on a malicious link, it caused a lot of work for me and my team but we made it through.  Things calmed down and then wave 2 hit later in the day.  You loose all track of time and really focus on what your dealing with, trying to cover all of the bases, document what your doing while hoping for the best.  When you can finally relax and let your guard down, you feel how emotionally drained you are.  These situations are nerve wracking, but I am cool under pressure or at least I give that impression.  Inside I am shaking like a leaf but that is what makes me so good at my job. 

We have some Next Gen AV software that isn’t playing nice with a particular application.  I have fought with support but the only fix is to hack the registry on each machine to apply a fix.  There are like 30 people that use this software.  I have been fixing them 1 by 1 as they come in.  My boss said that the dummy will be on call next week and I should train him on how to do this.  Yeah okay.  So I took time to prepare detailed written instructions.  I had a call with him and asked him if he ever edited the registry on a computer before.  He said yes.  Okay so let’s get into the registry on your machine.  Uh how do I do that?  Are you fucking kidding me?  You really did bullshit your way into this job, didn’t you?  Son of a bitch!  So I shared my documentation and then he was trying to connect to his own registry as if it was a users machine on the network.  This guy is a complete Fuck Tard, he lacks all common sense and skills that an average help desk person has.  He’s a senior level person and I am the junior level person – I run circles around him and know way more than him but I don’t tout myself as an expert. 

Thinking about that and how things are not likely to change, I decided to take a gander and see what the job market has to offer today in my current field.  There are no shortage of jobs.  It’s a matter of picking where you want to work and then applying.  My problem is I have a lot riding on my job.  I don’t want to fuck things up just because I am stuck working with a dummy and am trying to get away from him.  Plus there is the fact I need more money. 

I found a job, I think I can do.  I walked away and thought about it.  It’s been out there for a month and I just found it.  1 day isn’t going to make or break things.  I dreamed about it.  I couldn’t get it out of my head so this morning I applied.  Turns out it’s for the credit union that has my vehicle loan.  If I get more money, I would have to travel a whopping 12 miles to get to work and I would be doing very well.  I am asking for a serious pay raise and they might not have it.  I make a decent amount of money but I had and still have to work for every penny.  I am worth so much more than I am making.  I am nervous though, what if the stars and the moon align.  They like me and I like them.  I pretty much have a sure thing in my hand should I really throw that away for a maybe?  I have had second thoughts since I applied but at the same time it felt good to put myself out there.  I get my 2nd quarter review on Tuesday and I think I will have a lot to talk about.  Just as long as I don’t talk myself out of a job.  I am really frustrated but at the same time I don’t want to fuck things up.  

On to a different day, the morning is going by things are flowing.  I decided to take a break and started looking at Facebook.  That’s when I found out my friend in Canada suffered a major heart attack.  She’s fine and on the road to recovery.  It was just out of left field and really was quite the shock. 

Today I was on Facebook and saw on my high school page that something happened with a couple brothers I went to school with.  It was cryptic and sounded like at least one of them were dead.  I found out tonight that one shot the other and then killed himself. 

I am ready to dump Facebook it’s just bringing me devastating news.  I am so addicted to it I have no idea how I managed before it came along.  Social Media is a great escape for me and I spend way too much time there.  But I can see 1/2 naked men, catch up on what friends are doing and see funny cat videos.  I mean it’s a wide variety of things. 

Last night I met up with a friend who said he had cat toys for me.  I am really short on money but I found a way to make it work.  I drove in the pouring rain and had what was a more expensive meal than I thought it was only to find out my friend forgot the toys.  Fuck.  I wasn’t terribly happy but hell I was already there so might as well eat. 

Thinking about money, work and switching jobs.  I went to the grocery store this morning.  I forgot to pick up my brownie cookies that I like so much.  I also bought Diet Mt. Dew when what I needed was Coke Zero.  My mind is in a blender.  I stopped for gas, the pump shut off and I added just a little bit more gas to get to an even number.  Then I drove to the car wash where I discovered my tank was only 80% full.  I wasn’t happy about that at all but at least my vehicle is clean.  I’ll top things off on Tuesday after I get the mail, presuming there is something worth stopping for. 

The best thing to happen is I have one of my tax refunds already.  I am still waiting for my Federal refund but every penny of both refunds is going to a credit card company so I am just holding money and going to earn a little bit of interest off of it.  Every penny helps! 

There are plenty of things out there to take my money.  I got an advertisement from an adult toy shop and there are a couple items I desire but I just told myself no.  That is not an easy thing to do.  I don’t like the word no but we all hear it and have to deal with it.  Tuesday will give me a peek at my pay check which will hit my bank on Wednesday and I will either be breathing easy or gasping for air.  I am just ready to find out.  Oh and I even though my OT is limited I have managed to get 3 hours so far for my next check. 

I have a very boring and long conference call in the morning.  So not looking forward to Monday, but we will get it over with and then I will find something else to complain about. 

Been thinking about my brother and almost called him a couple times.  I wonder if I wait how long it will be before he calls me.  Now that he’s back with the bimbo she surely occupies all of his time and has that strangle hold on him.  I hope he’s doing okay, but my main focus has to be on myself and my furry family. 

So it’s been a while and I hope that the trash has been flushed.  I am going to turn comments back on and see what happens.  I hope your doing well, take care of yourself.  You are the best you that you have.  No one else can be you!

Falling Dominos

As per usual, what a week!  I am falling behind at work, which is no surprise to me.  I feel the pressure to catch up but the more I try the further behind I get.  Interruptions are a common theme if it’s not in person then it’s by phone.  Seems like everyone knows my name and while normally that is a good thing and should make me feel proud, at the moment it’s causing me a little bit of pain. 

Thursday night I was so excited for Friday as I normally am.  I had a bitch of a day but getting home with the kids and relaxing is what makes it worth while for me.  I went to bed at normal time.  I woke up at 3am wrapped up in blankets as if they were a straight jacket.  I had a Charlie Horse in my left calf and I had to get out of bed and stand up to make it go away.  I finally was able to get out of bed and as soon as I stood up I saw stars.  My blood pressure dropped, I got cold and clammy – felt horrible.  The pain in my leg stopped but now I had a greater problem.  I felt like I was about to pass out and that my sugar tanked.  I didn’t pass out but it was very scary and to be all alone was even worse.  I was able to get back to sleep but it wasn’t restful sleep.  I woke up at normal time and thought about forging forward, I mean I could have made it if I wanted to.  I felt nauseated and a little bit tired.  My neck was killing me.  Then I thought why should I kill myself for work, I am taking the day off and I’m not looking back.  I sent an email, turned on my out of office, recorded an absence greeting and then turned off mail on my phone.  I put my phone on do not disturb and that was it.  There were plenty of things that went wrong but I will deal with that on Monday.  I didn’t have much interaction with my phone.  I watched TV and slept the bulk of the day.  I also took a stronger muscle relaxer which I knew would knock me out.  It probably wasn’t the best use of my time, considering that it would have probably allowed me to catch up but it is what it is.  They don’t want to pay overtime so I’m not working it unless it’s for on-call related issues or some urgent departure.  Yes I am bitter but that is wearing down.  Overall I do feel better but I still am dealing with nausea.  It’s not nearly as intense as it was when this first hit.  I thought for sure I would puke but thankfully that didn’t happen.  

As for the early morning wake up call on Friday, I think I may have over done it when I was watching porn the night before.  Helix released an awesome scene with Blake Mitchell and Cole Claire, it was wicked hot and I was really into it.  I knew the scene was released early in the morning and looked forward to watching it.  Normally, if I skip a night or two that will generate Charlie Horses.  I did skip Wednesday night but that was because I got a phone call.  I didn’t have any side effects Wednesday night or Thursday morning, except that I woke up horny.  I thought about taking care of things in the morning but got side tracked with cat issues. 

Today I kept true to my word and I have filed my taxes.  Way to go me.  Well not exactly.  The Lemon Car settlement really fucked things up.  So my federal refund was lower, I owed my state more money and it also impacted the state I work in so I got less of a refund over all.  It was like domino’s falling because it’s income and that affects everything.  As far as the government is concerned I was self employed and was declaring that now that it’s tax time.  The only good news is that I don’t have to pay my state until April 17th.  I will get a check in the mail to them long before that date.  I feel like I should have cheated and kept my mouth shut.  Chances are pretty good that I would have flew under the radar but I did the right thing because sweating it out is no fun and I don’t want to do battle with the IRS, it’s daunting and costly.  It’s a headache I really don’t need.  My fear is that I will have raised a red flag by being honest.  I sure hope that is not the case.

Now I feel like the walls of debt are closing in on me.  I have renewal expenses in February and March that really suck the money.  There is the post office box and my car insurance just to name two.  The car insurance bill was waiting for me in the mail.  I was not happy to see it but knew that it would be there.  I really feel like I am being robbed by my insurance company but when I got to check rates no one can beat them.  I am tired of trying to fight it, I could change my deductibles but that wouldn’t be a smart move.  I just pay them all be it monthly because I can’t pay it in 1 lump sum like I used to.  There is and always will be someone wanting to take my money.  I just have to get used to it, I don’t know that I ever will.  I’d like to build a nest egg that I could pull from.  

I made a bold move today.  There is a guy on social media that I think is really hot.  The problem is that he is into pot and that’s not my thing.  I know he’s gay and I know he is in my area.  This morning he posted a new selfie and was going on about how he was depressed and trying to work on bulking up.  He is a twink, young and still in college.  I’m telling you the camera doesn’t do him justice, he is way hotter in person.  Today I reached out and left a comment on his post.  He commented back and said how sweet I was.  Yeah that is me Mr. Sweet and lonely.  I could probably push and get a date out of the situation and maybe a boyfriend.  However, the drugs are a deal breaker.  I know it’s just pot.  However, I am vehemently opposed to illegal drugs.  I saw what it did to my mom and how it messed up my family, if I only learned one thing in school it was to say no to drugs.  I’ve done a good job at that. 

Tomorrow it will be time to hit up the grocery store again and fill my tank to prepare for the week ahead.  I think I am seeing better gas mileage.  It might just be a fluke, I am hyper sensitive to it since it relates to money coming out of my wallet.  I got gas cheaper on Wednesday night and a car wash.  Of course Thursday it rained and fucked up my ride.  Dirty windows are a pet peeve of mine and if they get dirty enough I can’t see which makes driving more difficult  The back window on this SUV is everything and it’s the one window that I can’t seem to keep clean.  It’s supposed to rain the majority of next week and we have a heat wave coming supposed to be in the 60’s.  I know it’s still Winter but were edging closer and closer to spring. 

Pandora now has a premium service to make them more like Spotify.  Since I am a grandfathered subscriber, it wouldn’t cost terribly much to upgrade but I am happy with what I have and unless they force the issue I am staying put.  It’s just that when I launch the app on my phone I get a nag screen that asks me if I want to upgrade.  Asking once is fine, twice is even okay but beyond that I think is harassment.  Each time I open the app I get the same question.  They are trying to tempt me by offering it free for a period of time but thus far I have resisted.  I wish there was a way to turn off this nag screen.  I have Spotify Premium and it’s nice, picked it up at Christmas for 99 cents per month for 3 months.  It’s not all that and a bag of chips.  I like Pandora even if they do repeat songs several times per hour.  I don’t see me keeping Spotify past the 3 months.  Funny thing is I pay annually for Spotify and that renews in April. 

When I woke up this morning it was snowing.  I stayed home instead of going out to breakfast.  I didn’t get out until this afternoon.  I hit up Cracker Barrel and got their Meatloaf.  I started eating it and got the burps long before my body had any time to digest those green peppers that were in the Meatloaf.  It was a good meal that didn’t last long enough.  I wanted Olive Garden but settled due to being on-call and the fact that it is a little bit of a hike for me. 

The kids are all doing good.  They are keeping me on my toes.  Momma has been crowing and under my feet, she really wants to go upstairs.  I am content to stay down here but she must think it’s a normal night and if that is the case I am down here way past time.  She is a great time management boss.  She knows my routine and makes sure that I stick to it, including her belly rub club time.  I had everyone in my room last night.  3 of them were on my bed, 1 was on the cedar chest at the end of the bed and of course Bear was on the floor.  I was thinking it would be a great time for a family portrait, something we always wanted but never managed to do.  Getting them all together as adults is next to impossible.  I really wished we would have done that when they were younger, cuter and more cuddly.  Ah well, off to see what I can find to peak my interest on the net and then it will be upstairs and back to bed. 

I hope all is well in your world.  Thanks for your visit. 

Vanilla Ice

I drove on some ice this morning, it wasn’t bad out but there were certain spots that could have been treated better than others.  I went back to Steak N Shake in the hopes of seeing Mr. Dream Boat and of course to save a little money.  Eating for 1 there isn’t terribly expensive.  I didn’t get to see him but I did get much better service than yesterday.  I also had a shake which was very nice. 

On to the grocery store where valentines day was the theme.  Sweets and Roses greeted everyone that walked in the door.  Ah, I just looked past it and kept on walking.  I kept it light and got out for just under $60.  I didn’t need much which helped as well.  I have about $60 left until Thursday when it will be payday again.  I have this check and one more to follow that will have overtime on it, then after that they will be primarily regular pay.  :(

It was nice last night to once again be able to turn off my phone and jump in bed.  Turning it back on, I never know what I will get but thankfully I missed nothing of value and there wasn’t any emergencies.  I still have my home phone but no one from work knows that #.  If your a good friend or my brother then you know it.  Otherwise chances are you just have my cell phone.  If it wasn’t for my alarm I would remove the home phone as I have found that I really don’t use it a whole lot.  It’s nice to have and I am on the lowest calling plan possible but still removing it could save me a few dollars.  I know I could opt for a cellular backup option but that would drive up the cost of the alarm so it’s one of those situations where I am better off leaving it alone.  Now I could get rid of both the alarm and home phone.  However, if something happened to my house I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. 

Yesterday getting my hair cut I was asking the stylist about Nioxin.  I joked and called it Nixon.  I really didn’t want to know about the stuff but I guess if you ask they have to tell you.  She went on and on about it and had me sold on it even though I don’t have thinning or balding.  It’s not cheap either.  However, it sounds like it feels really good on your head.  It’s apparently the only shampoo that leaves your poor's open.  So maybe I’ll get some in the future, for now I have enough hair care to open my own salon.  I guess it’s stereotypical for me being gay but I just love hair product, shampoo, conditioner, etc.  Honestly I could probably go a couple years, I mean my hair is kept short and that doesn’t require a lot of anything to keep it clean and looking good. 

Got in my nap, slept probably too long but it was nice.  Last night I was dreaming of Lance Bass and what he was doing to me was very X rated.  Not exactly sure why he was in my dream but hey it was a good time so I’ll take it.  I would like to see him naked, but chances are slim that will happen. 

I wound up watching comedy specials which did make me laugh a little bit.  Right now it’s hard to find something interesting on.  I have Netflix, Amazon Prime and Uverse with HBO, Showtime, Starz and Encore.  You’d think with all of those choices there would be something that peaked my interest, but sadly that is not the case.  Netflix and Amazon need serious overhaul to their content it’s stale.  BTW, Netflix is raising it’s prices.  I hope that means that the content will improve.  I like having a choice in what I watch.  I consume a lot of TV, Movies and Music in general.  I am not including porn, that is separate but I am a very visual person and it’s really great when I can enjoy the content.  Nothing beats a good movie or TV show.  It’s an escape for me and it’s something I need more often than not.  Plus it adds some flavor to my otherwise boring life. 

Speaking of boring life I am up to my usual Sunday tasks.  It will be time to break out the vacuum just in time to scare the children.  I had to wash my bed stuff partially because of Gator and partially because it’s just been too damn long.  One load left to send through and that will be the covers from the couch.  Then when that’s done I will be able to grab a shower and start my wind down process.  Right now everyone except me is passed out upstairs and resting comfortably.  One flick of a switch and that all changes.  I hate that they are afraid of the noisy machine because it won’t hurt them and even if it would hurt them, I wouldn’t let it happen. 

Supper is Stouffer’s Chicken, Pasta and Broccoli Casserole.  1/2 tonight and the other 1/2 tomorrow. Desert will be Mint Gelato, sure hope I like it.  Back to the grind and I am on-call.  Here’s hoping it will be a good week.  May the odds ever be in all of our favors.  Stay warm, be well and we will talk again soon.

Depression

Hi there and thanks for stopping by.  Here’s some ramblings on how this week went.

I got a gift card from my boss, turns out that is what he was working with HR on.  Here I was expecting a pay raise, kind of let down.  Then one day he calls me up asking me to justify and account for all of my overtime in the month of January.  I had a feeling this was going to catch up to me sooner or later and it did.  I accounted for my time and was told no more overtime, unless I am on-call or it’s an extreme emergency.  I have to start on time, can’t start early.  I have to go to lunch and not work through lunch.  I have to leave on time can’t stay late to finish up.  I have serious doubts if I will be able to make it without the overtime.  I was around an extra $600 a month roughly speaking.  In fairness it’s not just me that is getting this message it’s everyone, no matter what department you fall in.  Were not losing money but the people at the top want a bigger paycheck so we have to be the sacrificial lambs.  I am really pissed off because I threw my all into my job, juggling and trying to make sure all of the bases were covered at all times.  Now I simply don’t give a shit.  I do my job but I don’t go the extra mile anymore.  I eat lunch and forward my phone to voicemail for an entire hour.  I don’t watch email at lunch.  Just wait until the next time I am off, I won’t be watching email either.  Some catastrophe will come up and they will need my help, good luck in trying to reach me.  Again I will do my job but nothing extra.  I am more hurt than anything by this and yeah it’s enough to make me leave but reality is I am comfortable and that goes a long way into keeping me where I am. 

I’ve had some dreams that have had my late husband in them, they were all pleasant and then I’d wake up to the reality that it was just a dream.  I tried to work on what used to be his office and get rid of things but that didn’t happen.  Big Boy and I just sat in there consoling each other.  I also had some of my mom’s stuff in there and went through that.  I am just so lonely and I miss my guy.  I found a recorder that he bought and he recorded some funny “testing” recordings, saying things that he knew would aggravate me, but today when I heard them all I could do was just laugh.  I realize that my depression and mourning probably won’t ever end so long as I am in this house.  I need to get out of here but I am in no hurry to go anywhere.  I would need to do some repairs, then there is the chore of moving and the reality of what in the world will I ever do with all of this stuff.  Honestly all I really want is for the pain to stop.  There isn’t a pill on the market today that can fix that. 

We have bad weather on the way with ice expected overnight so tomorrow’s commute out to grab breakfast and groceries could be quite interesting.  I am on the fence about where I want to dine at in the morning and just as I typed that a third place came to mind.  I did have the common sense tonight to get gas while I was out pet food shopping.  It’s one less thing I have to have on my list for tomorrow.

I also got another tax form in the mail this week and when I plugged it in to my taxes it took away a good chunk of my refund and caused my state tax to increase.  Not terribly happy about that but what do you do?  I am still waiting for one more potential form to come regarding my winnings and I honestly think it’s not coming but I have to wait to be sure.  I am just eager to file to get it over with. 

We have a Primary Election coming up where we will be electing a new Governor and the ads on TV have already started.  We were just about done with January when they started appearing and now I have to listen to them all the time.  It’s insanity I hate campaign season.  I also put in my name to vote by mail.  I do it all the time, it’s much easier than standing in a long line.  It’s not a privilege that is reserved for anyone, it’s actually a right for everyone.  I had an aunt who was a shut in and she did it all the time, that’s where the idea came from. 

Last night was not a terribly fun evening I elected to finally take care of Ruth’s claws.  I thought she was in a good mood and she just might cooperate.  I was wrong.  She went from nice to evil bitch in less than 2 seconds.  She sees the gloves and that is when the fight was on.  Funny thing is when I was done she wouldn’t let me pick up my glove, she claimed it and had her head resting on it.  I waited her out and eventually she left.  She was sticking in the rug when she would walk and/or try to run from me.  We wound up in the basement and just like the last time we wound up in the basement last year there was blood.  Turns out this time it was from me and not her.  I did something to my leg in the process of trying to capture her.  It’s very, very minor.  I let her throw her fit and the more room I gave her the more room she took, until finally I just snapped and that’s when the fight was on.  She permitted me to trim but she expressed her displeasure loud and clear.  There was quite the mess to clean up afterwards but hey it’s all part of taking care of her.  Of course now that is over with and I am the keeper of the food I am her friend again and she loves me.  Evil bitch, I love her too. 

I saw a preview of Bad Mom’s Christmas and there was a male stripper in the movie.  Hell that was enough to hook me.  I rented it this morning and it was funny and entertaining.  However, it had that sappy family Christmas theme and well since I have no family it didn’t really help my depression.  However, the male stripper was pretty damn hot, even if the only thing I saw was his chest and what presumably was a horse cock through his underwear.  I think that was a Hollywood thing and not real.  Then again I will probably never know, as if it matters.  If you seen one, you have seen them all – generally speaking.  That applies to guys and gals. 

I hope that your warm and that life is treating you good.  Seems my joyride of a good time has come to a bottle neck.  I know I will make it without overtime the question is how far and will I need to give anything up? 

Well off to the wonderful world of the internet, where porn is ever flowing as is information.  Take care and we shall talk again soon.