Depression

Hi there and thanks for stopping by.  Here’s some ramblings on how this week went.

I got a gift card from my boss, turns out that is what he was working with HR on.  Here I was expecting a pay raise, kind of let down.  Then one day he calls me up asking me to justify and account for all of my overtime in the month of January.  I had a feeling this was going to catch up to me sooner or later and it did.  I accounted for my time and was told no more overtime, unless I am on-call or it’s an extreme emergency.  I have to start on time, can’t start early.  I have to go to lunch and not work through lunch.  I have to leave on time can’t stay late to finish up.  I have serious doubts if I will be able to make it without the overtime.  I was around an extra $600 a month roughly speaking.  In fairness it’s not just me that is getting this message it’s everyone, no matter what department you fall in.  Were not losing money but the people at the top want a bigger paycheck so we have to be the sacrificial lambs.  I am really pissed off because I threw my all into my job, juggling and trying to make sure all of the bases were covered at all times.  Now I simply don’t give a shit.  I do my job but I don’t go the extra mile anymore.  I eat lunch and forward my phone to voicemail for an entire hour.  I don’t watch email at lunch.  Just wait until the next time I am off, I won’t be watching email either.  Some catastrophe will come up and they will need my help, good luck in trying to reach me.  Again I will do my job but nothing extra.  I am more hurt than anything by this and yeah it’s enough to make me leave but reality is I am comfortable and that goes a long way into keeping me where I am. 

I’ve had some dreams that have had my late husband in them, they were all pleasant and then I’d wake up to the reality that it was just a dream.  I tried to work on what used to be his office and get rid of things but that didn’t happen.  Big Boy and I just sat in there consoling each other.  I also had some of my mom’s stuff in there and went through that.  I am just so lonely and I miss my guy.  I found a recorder that he bought and he recorded some funny “testing” recordings, saying things that he knew would aggravate me, but today when I heard them all I could do was just laugh.  I realize that my depression and mourning probably won’t ever end so long as I am in this house.  I need to get out of here but I am in no hurry to go anywhere.  I would need to do some repairs, then there is the chore of moving and the reality of what in the world will I ever do with all of this stuff.  Honestly all I really want is for the pain to stop.  There isn’t a pill on the market today that can fix that. 

We have bad weather on the way with ice expected overnight so tomorrow’s commute out to grab breakfast and groceries could be quite interesting.  I am on the fence about where I want to dine at in the morning and just as I typed that a third place came to mind.  I did have the common sense tonight to get gas while I was out pet food shopping.  It’s one less thing I have to have on my list for tomorrow.

I also got another tax form in the mail this week and when I plugged it in to my taxes it took away a good chunk of my refund and caused my state tax to increase.  Not terribly happy about that but what do you do?  I am still waiting for one more potential form to come regarding my winnings and I honestly think it’s not coming but I have to wait to be sure.  I am just eager to file to get it over with. 

We have a Primary Election coming up where we will be electing a new Governor and the ads on TV have already started.  We were just about done with January when they started appearing and now I have to listen to them all the time.  It’s insanity I hate campaign season.  I also put in my name to vote by mail.  I do it all the time, it’s much easier than standing in a long line.  It’s not a privilege that is reserved for anyone, it’s actually a right for everyone.  I had an aunt who was a shut in and she did it all the time, that’s where the idea came from. 

Last night was not a terribly fun evening I elected to finally take care of Ruth’s claws.  I thought she was in a good mood and she just might cooperate.  I was wrong.  She went from nice to evil bitch in less than 2 seconds.  She sees the gloves and that is when the fight was on.  Funny thing is when I was done she wouldn’t let me pick up my glove, she claimed it and had her head resting on it.  I waited her out and eventually she left.  She was sticking in the rug when she would walk and/or try to run from me.  We wound up in the basement and just like the last time we wound up in the basement last year there was blood.  Turns out this time it was from me and not her.  I did something to my leg in the process of trying to capture her.  It’s very, very minor.  I let her throw her fit and the more room I gave her the more room she took, until finally I just snapped and that’s when the fight was on.  She permitted me to trim but she expressed her displeasure loud and clear.  There was quite the mess to clean up afterwards but hey it’s all part of taking care of her.  Of course now that is over with and I am the keeper of the food I am her friend again and she loves me.  Evil bitch, I love her too. 

I saw a preview of Bad Mom’s Christmas and there was a male stripper in the movie.  Hell that was enough to hook me.  I rented it this morning and it was funny and entertaining.  However, it had that sappy family Christmas theme and well since I have no family it didn’t really help my depression.  However, the male stripper was pretty damn hot, even if the only thing I saw was his chest and what presumably was a horse cock through his underwear.  I think that was a Hollywood thing and not real.  Then again I will probably never know, as if it matters.  If you seen one, you have seen them all – generally speaking.  That applies to guys and gals. 

I hope that your warm and that life is treating you good.  Seems my joyride of a good time has come to a bottle neck.  I know I will make it without overtime the question is how far and will I need to give anything up? 

Well off to the wonderful world of the internet, where porn is ever flowing as is information.  Take care and we shall talk again soon.