The Other Shoe, I think

Yesterday was a trying day and as much as I wanted to post I needed a break. After my post on Monday in the evening I soon found out what I believe the other shoe was to drop, at least I hope this was it.

I was relaxing on the couch with the cats, watching Last Week Tonight. I rewound it to the part that sounded familiar before I fell asleep on Sunday night. John Oliver doesn’t put me to sleep but the medicine I took did its job and I was out like a light. Anyway, the recording is playing along and then just abruptly stopped. I knew full well that I had the entire show and this was strange. Then I got a message on screen that there was no picture detected. The DVR reset and I was left with 3 dots on the screen. I had to reset the box a couple times to get it to appear to come back to life. When it was supposed to boot, I instead was greeted with an error message of a red X and a number. I rebooted again and got the same results but a different number.

I did some research on the error message and found that you need to do a ‘disaster recovery’ to be able to recover. It’s a hard reset that wipes the drive clean and sets everything back to out of the box defaults. I did that with no luck. I tried it a total of 3 times. I begrudgingly phoned for help. The automated phone system ran through troubleshooting steps and there was one thing I didn’t try. That was resetting the gateway (modem). The system issued the command and it takes 6 minutes to reboot and recover. Still no luck. So, it transferred me to a queue where I was told my hold time was 25 to 30 minutes. I opted to have them call me back.

A half hour later the phone rang and I was on with a technician. He had problems locating my account but eventually found it. I told him all of the steps I went through and that I believed the box was dead. It was as if he didn’t listen to me at all. We had to start at square one. Eventually he came to the conclusion an hour and a half later that the box was dead. A replacement box was shipped and should be arriving this morning.

I’ve been able to watch TV but obviously I have no DVR so I can’t rewind, pause or record any shows. I have to watch live or on-demand otherwise I am out of luck. Getting back to normal will be welcome. Then I have to return the defective box to them. The guy on the phone told me I had until Saturday but an email I got gave me until mid-September. There isn’t a huge hurry but still I will get it back to them in a couple days just to wipe the task from my list of things to do.

In other technology news, a label was created for my computer and it was projected to be delivered by end of day on Sunday. Overnight the carrier took possession of the package and the arrival date has now changed to end of business on Friday. I don’t expect it until sometime between 3p and 6p on Friday. However, I will have an eye out. I don’t think I have to sign for it but I will be prepared just in case as I don’t want to encounter any delays. While I don’t know that I will be in the mood to work with it when it arrives, I will at least be curious enough to want to unpack it, which will probably lead to configuring. I at least for sure know now that I will have a weekend task.

I realize that none of this is terribly exciting news, but it’s just another average day. As you might guess my evening on Monday night was totally consumed with my TV issue and being on the phone. I was very pleased when I heard that a replacement box was being sent and that meant the end of the call was in sight.

In cat news. Gator has had quite the buffet this morning. 4 cans of food, one of which she wouldn’t touch. I was trying to get Marv to eat and he was being picky. Eventually I waited long enough and opened something that was gravy based, I talked him into taking a few bites. I get super nervous when they won’t eat and I think that they work that to their advantage sometimes. I would still rather pay a food bill than a vet bill any day of the week. As for the food, selection has been quite limited since COVID hit. One week they may have something they like and you go back to buy more the next week and it’s gone. Some weeks I go and think there not going to like any of this and I am perplexed as to what to buy. No cat of mine has ever gone hungry because of failure on my part, that’s something I am proud of. Each of them has had their fair share of attention but I know they will need much more. I look forward to any and all the time I get to spend with them and I savor every moment. If you have gathered, they are spoiled and pampered then you have made an accurate presumption. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I think at times they eat far better than I do but that’s mostly because their food is cheaper to buy than mine.

After today I have 3 days left and then I will be off from Tuesday through Monday the 7^th. However, I will still have a task to preform which I can either do at night or I can wake up early and have a call in the morning. I may mix it up a bit but I suspect that I will mostly get up and have the call just because it’s easier. We will be super short staffed since a colleague of mine is going in for surgery later this week and he will be out of commission. It will be one person plus the boss. The boss is going to drive them crazy. He (the boss) is already grating on my nerves and I do need a vacation. Were all scrambling to get in time since we are only allowed to carry over two weeks and the majority of us have a huge surplus of time to take before the end of the year. I am kind of hoping that they will shift the policy since this work from home requirement is hanging on much longer than expected. Personally, I don’t expect that it will be safe for me to return to the office until sometime next year. I’ll leave that up to my doctor and the scientist, but based on the data that I am seeing now it for sure is not safe. The area where my home is located is continuing to see numbers rise even with tighter restrictions in place, so they are getting even more aggressive. I wish that someone had the silver bullet cure all for this but unfortunately that doesn’t yet exist. Here’s hoping that each day brings us closer to a cure or at the very least more aggressive and better treatment and less people being infected. I figured that I would be at home for a couple months until this blew over but it appears that time frame is going to be much, much longer than anticipated. Since what I am doing is obviously working for me, I see no reason to make any change. I do want to go out for a pizza but keep thinking to myself is it really worth taking a risk for some food? Just get carry out and call it a day, so that is most likely what I will do. I don’t know if I will travel to my favorite pizza place which is a way away or if I will just settle for something local. I know one thing for sure, there are plenty of choices for pizza and regardless if it’s fresh or frozen I will have a slice or two or three.

Here’s hoping that your all doing well, keeping busy or entertained at the very least. Stay safe, be well and we will talk again soon.

Bundle of nerves

I woke up this morning to a notification from Amazon that my replacement fan was going to be delivered today instead of tomorrow. It did indeed arrive. When I picked up the package, I thought this is very heavy for a small fan. As I expected, I ordered the wrong fan. What I ordered was for the back of the PC and not for the heat sink. I am returning it for credit.

I am tired of vacillating on this. I figure that the fan was an omen and rather than delay what will be the inevitable might as well just get a new computer and call it a day. I scooped up a deal at Sam’s (online) for a computer and a 32-inch monitor. They tried to get me to upgrade my membership for $40 and that would give me free shipping but shipping was only $8. I paid for shipping because it cost far less. I know by upgrading I would be unlocking some additional benefits but honestly, it’s just not worth it to me. The best part about the shipping is it’s Express and I should have the unit by Friday or so they say. The next biggest problem was getting the website to accept payment. It was a large purchase so it stood out like a sore thumb. The first card I tried declined it twice. No one reached out and I got no alerts. I moved on and tried a different card, that too was declined but I got an instant alert asking if this was me trying to make the purchase. I said yes and then submitted the order again. Presto, were in business.

I am not positive that I have enough desk space for the new larger monitor and a second monitor but I will work it out somehow, some way. Looks like I figured out what to get myself for my upcoming birthday, yay me. It’s a large amount of money to part with, at least for me. In the grand scheme of things, it appears I am getting a good value for my money and it’s not like I will be making payments, I have the money it’s just that I didn’t want to spend it on this.

A colleague of mine helped me rationalize when I upgraded to a luxury SUV back in 2017. He said think of all the driving you do. You might as well be comfortable and enjoy yourself. Besides that, with everything you have been through, you deserve it. Yeah well that was my rational for buying it, that I was entitled to it for all of the BS life has thrown my way. However, rational won’t make the payments, they are left to me. To this day I am still pleased with my purchase and was actually planning on trading vehicles next month, but the pandemic hit and I have since called it off. Glad I did because what I wanted to buy has a recall on it and this is the first model year for it. Waiting can have its advantages. Perhaps next year will be the year I opt to make that move.

Using my colleague’s logic. I spend a lot of time in front of my computer. Might as well be happy. I won’t have the worry about something failing due to age. I will have a warranty to fall back on if something should go south. Once that is up, they threw in an additional 2 years of extended warranty support. The new machine will be fresh, more robust and I know it will be a pain but I will get it configured to my liking.

I am nervous now that I have spent the money as if the other shoe is about to drop. Hopefully, everything will hold together and nothing will fall apart, fail or otherwise cause me to spend any of my savings. I would be doing much better if our pay cut would be lifted at work. We have another meeting next month and while I am hopeful that they will have good news I am not expecting that decision to be made until much later in the year.

That said, I did get some good news. My mortgage payment went down by $10 and there was a small surplus in my escrow account so I have some money waiting for me at the post office. The refund was expected but I didn’t think it would be as significant as I learned it is. I’m glad I learned the trick of paying extra in to escrow once taxes and insurance go up, otherwise this would be a different scenario. I plan to keep making the same payment I have been, the extra goes towards the principal and while it’s not terribly significant it does count and maybe someday, I will actually own this place without a mortgage.

In other news, the cats were extra picky about what they wanted to eat this morning. It’s a guessing game. I get it right once and a while. Gator is limping again and I noticed the tip of her tail is starting to sprout white fur. Her body is showing its age, sadly. Having older cats, I do a fair amount of worrying, most of it needless but still they are my world and when something goes wrong, sometimes it can be fixed but is expensive and other times especially as they continue to age something goes wrong and it can’t be fixed. I know I am going to lose both of them, it’s inevitable. Losing 1 this year was truly soul crushing because I was closer with her than I have been with any other animal. I want to keep these last two around for a couple more years if I am permitted. I think Gator has some arthritis and it flairs up, this would explain why most of the time she is fine but once and a while the limp comes back.

The work day is about done. It was pretty busy this morning but this afternoon has drug by. I got a BS assignment to complete with a colleague tomorrow, it’s simple and straight forward but a waste of our time and data that really isn’t needed. We will do it and not complain but both me and my colleague think our time could be better spent.

I hope your Monday is going well and life is treating you fairly. Stay safe and be well. I will talk with you peeps again soon. Take care!

Saturday

Friday was a rough and very busy day. I pretty well knew last night that I wasn’t going to be doing anything on Saturday. True to form that is exactly what happened. I spent the bulk of the day in bed and when I wasn’t there, I was watching YouTube videos. Ted Talks have become my new favorite thing.

I ventured out of the house late in the afternoon and as I was more than ½ way to the post office I realized I left home without the key to the PO BOX. I took the opportunity to just go for a short drive. The battery was low and needed to be charged. I went in a very large circle and got on the freeway that I would normally take on my ride home from work. They have it freshly paved and all of those rough spots are gone. It looks nice and still has a bit of that fresh asphalt smell. I loved being able to drive above 55 mph and the need for speed kicked in. There is just something about being on the open road that makes me want to drive fast. I had and still have the thought of going for a pizza but I am saving that for next weekend, I think.

I am not a gambling man but decided to take a gamble with regards to my desktop pc. If you remove the heat sink and the fan then you need thermal grease (it’s more like a paste) before you can put it back in place. The thought of removing the heat sink just doesn’t resonate well with me. However, I thought and later confirmed, you can just remove the fan and no grease is required. I did that and I found a little dirt but nothing really to write home about. I saw no reason why the fan should be impeded from moving. Since the fan was out of the way I took time to dust out the heat sink as well and very little dust came out. My house might not be totally clean but at least my pc is. Anyway, I got the fan reconnected and also replaced the CMOS battery. This is a button battery often used in watches and other electronics that keeps the date/time when your machine loses power as well as any default settings in the BIOS that you may elect to change. If you replace the CMOS battery while on power you won’t lose time or settings, but if you do it as I did without power you are sure to lose those settings. My thought process here was twofold. First the battery was getting old (it’s been 6 years) so why not replace it now while I had the chance. Second there couldn’t be any harm in resetting everything, sometimes that is exactly what is needed to fix a problem.

Sadly, in my case my theory didn’t prove out. The fan still isn’t detected upon boot up but does spin up once you boot into the operating system. That still leaves me with a decision to make, replace the fan or replace the computer. I have opted to replace the fan. However, as I write this and give it more thought I am not terribly optimistic that a replacement fan will solve the problem. I placed an order on Amazon and a replacement fan will be delivered early next week. If I install it and it too fails to be detected upon boot up that tells me that the issues are with the motherboard and while things are humming along fine today there is a chance that they could stop at any given moment with or without warning. If the new fan has the same problems as the old fan then it’s time to go shopping. It’s almost like getting justification to go buy a new computer. I do really want a new machine but really don’t want the pain of configuration as well as spending the money. In normal times I wouldn’t give it a second thought and would just replace the machine. I mean it’s given me 6 years of solid performance and that is well past it’s prime. There are faster and better machines on the market today that will certainly make me happier with improved performance and I will surely get better graphics with new monitors but honestly, I am fairly content with what I have. Stay tuned and I will keep you updated. I hope for the best but am prepared for the worst. I am still looking here and there which really doesn’t help narrow it down to a specific place or a specific machine. The only thing I know for certain is I don’t want small form factor or SFF, I am interested in the original mid-sized tower which is what I have now. Gaming computers do have an appeal based on looks and the LEDs that illuminate them. However, gaming machines are nothing more than a name and some fancy colors. You can easily get similar performance with less price by buying a traditional desktop if it’s spec’d out properly. I am not a gamer. I did buy a Nintendo Wi a couple years ago because I heard how cool they were. I got a bowling game and something else that was of interest to me. Today that unit is tucked away in a closet and I no longer use it, so there is no sense in going down an expensive rabbit hole to throw away my money. If gaming appeals to you and you enjoy it, great. I am not against it and honestly enjoy seeing others play but it’s just not for me.

No major surprise but I stepped on the scale again tonight and of course I am continuing to gain weight. I know the only real way to lose weight is diet & exercise which are both not appealing to me. I will be bringing this up at my next doctors visit because continuing on this same path is easily going to work against my overall health and wellbeing. I’d love to be thin but that is not in my genetic or dietary makeup. Two loves I have in this world. That’s food and men. If I can’t have a man then I am damned sure going to have some food and that means pretty much anything my heart desires and my wallet can afford.

I’ve done my daily work task, which is what brought me to the PC in the first place, otherwise I would have stayed upstairs with the cats. Which is back to where I am headed. We have to figure out what to eat and then what to watch to pass the time. Sunday will be the usual routine of groceries and house cleaning while we try to mentally prepare for Monday.

I hope that your enjoying your weekend and that all is well in your world. Thank you for your visit today. Talk with you peeps again soon.

Lessons learned

In writing my book and looking back over life experiences that I have had, there are twenty-one lessons that I learned.  These are lessons from life, the death of my spouse and just in general.  These appeared in my book and I wanted to share them as I feel there is a little something here for everyone.  Enjoy

1. We are all going to die, it may be a sudden thing that knocks you over the head or it might be long and drawn out.  It is one appointment that you will not be able to be late for.
2. Make sure that your affairs are in order and you have told people your desires with regards to life support, burial, etc.
3. It is perfectly okay to be gay and if you want tell the world.  It’s a very personal decision that every gay person has to make.  No one knows your circumstances as well as you do.  So, what is right for me might not be right for you.  Only come out if it's safe.  
4. Never ever bet unless it’s a sure thing. 
5. If you ride on the Log Ride at any amusement park be sure to sit in back and it might also help to take a Dramamine beforehand.
6. Don’t let anyone push you around, stand up for what you believe in.
7. Make sure that you do your homework and research any issue, product, topic or whatever that is up for debate.  When you know the facts, you can defend something so much better. 
8. Tell those that you love, that you love them. One day you won't be able to say this.  
9. Have a savings plan for Retirement and/or Disability if you don’t have money set aside for that you could really be out in left field. 
10. Don’t name kittens, puppies or any other living breathing animal unless you plan on keeping and caring for it. 
11. Even though your affairs are in order and there is a big push for equality, not everyone has adopted and/or agrees with equality so you could have a fight on your hands when it comes to financial and legal issues.
12. Be sure to name beneficiaries and if you have a pension or receive retirement benefits make sure that you elect a surviving spouse benefit so that your partner, spouse, husband, wife or whomever is taken care of.  It might cost you a little bit of money now but in the end if the money is needed it will be a huge relief to the one you leave behind.
13. Not everyone is your friend. Some people are just really good actors.  It’s not until the going gets tough that you find out who your real friends are and the results will catch you by surprise. 
14. Communication is the best medicine for a relationship.  If you don’t, can’t or won’t talk about something you are contributing to the demise of your relationship as you know it.  Honesty may not always pay off in life but in your relationship, it is the one place that you owe it to the other person to be 100% truthful and be yourself, don’t pretend to be something or someone you are not. 
15. Money doesn’t solve all of the problems you have in the world and it can’t buy happiness but I think it’s a pretty good start. 
16. Don’t ever be afraid, ashamed or embarrassed to ask for help, regardless of the problem.  As an example, there is no shame to collecting Unemployment, Food Stamps or Welfare.  Just don’t make it a way of life where you abuse the system.  Use those benefits for what they are ‘temporary’ assistance. 
17. Don’t give up, keep fighting no matter how much you think the deck is stacked against you until you exhaust all possibilities there can be no end. 
18. Mortgage Companies are evil.  As long as you’re making your payments and they are on-time then they will be very happy with you.  If you need help, be prepared to jump on a merry go round that will NEVER stop spinning. 
19. You often lose sight of what you have and take things for granted.  It’s true you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. 
20. Make memories that will last a lifetime, have fun and if you’re young enjoy your youth. 
21. Take lots of photos together to document your time with those that you love and care for. 

 

  

Tired Thursday

Much to my dismay I woke up at 5a this morning and had problems going back to sleep. Prior to that I had a dream where two jobs blended together and I was teaching my mother of all people how to work a photo copier. Not exactly sure where that came from or what it means.

Dinner was frozen mini tacos and to enhance the flavor a bit I put some Tostitos salsa on top of each one. I had two plates with a total of 12 tacos. Only 6 of them would fit on a plate and they were more like tiny instead of mini but they were very tasty. Of course, I can’t let my cheesecake go to waste so I had another slice of that.

I was bored and a bit restless. There were some work emails that came in that helped to occupy me for short periods of time. I elected to try to be helpful rather than sit back and let someone else do the work. That of course roped me in to a group text message later in the evening and caused me to think, why did I inject myself into this. However, it’s what I do and all part of the job, it’s what you get when you hire me. Customer service is in my blood, sometimes more cuss than service but you get the idea.

Marvin joined me on the couch and I had the heating pad plugged in. He melted like a small pat of butter in a hot skillet but that only lasted for a short period of time and then he wanted down. He came back but it was much later in the evening and just as I was about to wrap things up for the night. He’s a good boy but his hind legs worry me, still he manages to move with silence and speed like a Cheetah. Now you see him and now you don’t.

Gator begged and I put her on the love seat where she likes to rest. She comes over for a hug and some attention once and a while. I managed to wake her up, she had that bed face on and just looked at me as if to say, why did you wake me up. Then she came over and started begging for attention, which is true to her form. She is more in tune with my feelings than I think Marvin is. One thing is certain about both of them, they love me not only for who I am but because I am the guy that brings them food.

I am sleepy and want to go lay down, I can probably get away with it but it seems as if my phone has eyes or something. If I do it, while things are quiet now, they will surely liven up and then it will be impossible to fall asleep. It’s also a little bit warm here, I am hoping that the AC will kick on soon.

A couple nights ago I got roped into YouTube videos on the subject matter of my job. They were Ted x talks and very interesting. Ted talks are always informative but seem to go by way too fast. You can learn a lot from them and they are completely free, which I find amazing. The x means they are independent events. I found one held at Georgetown called Why are you so gay. That was interesting and slightly humorous as well.

Since there isn’t much on TV right now that is of interest to me, I tend to turn to YouTube for content. Which is kind of sad since I also pay for subscription services like Netflix, Hulu and I am a prime member so I get Amazon Video. There is little content there that is new and of interest to me. I’ve thought about cancelling my Netflix subscription but about the time I get around to it, they have something of interest that draws me back in and causes me to pause my plans to cancel.

I think I am going to try to get a nap in. We have a big upgrade event for a service that is taking place later this afternoon. It’s expected to be a few hours and if things go well, we could finish early but if things go wrong it could be a long night. You just hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

Have a pleasant day and thanks for your visit. We will talk with you peeps again soon!

Perplexed

Have you ever thought of something you wanted to say but were afraid to say it? I think it’s happened to everyone at one time or another. While I have been in that situation more than one time in my life. At present I find myself having written a couple of posts for my blog but am hesitant/nervous about publishing them.

One post is about a co-worker and some interactions we have had. By interactions I don’t mean anything sexual. I have feelings for this person and kind of think that if I publish the post it could compromise my identity, plus it would be something that would live forever. My co-worker probably wouldn’t find it but if they did then they would know I blog, find my blog and see things that I don’t necessarily want them to.

The second post is about how I lost my virginity. It’s a story that I will of course never forget. Writing it took me back to the very moment it all happened and the feelings I had. Reflecting on that time makes me want to go back in time, not necessarily with the knowledge I have today but just to enjoy the experience over again and again. It’s a once in a lifetime thing and no time is ever as good as your first time. I am reluctant to post the contents for a few reasons. I think I would need to turn on the 18+ filter to be safe, not that it’s a bad thing but I certainly wouldn’t want someone to innocently stumble on the content. Then again if your reading a gay blog your intentions are because your probably curious, looking for eye candy or just want to see what is out there. That is a generalization which might be unfair to presume and certainly doesn’t apply to everyone who reads a gay blog or even this blog. It’s also very raw and personal, while I am comfortable in revealing certain aspects of my life, I don’t know that I want to tell the world everything. I mean doesn’t that take away from the mystery? I think that somethings are just too much to share.

I put this out to see what you the readers think. If it’s something you would be interested in reading or if you have advice or feedback to offer. In the end I know the final decision rests with me. I also have a fear that over sharing could drive some people away. Which while you can’t please everyone, I certainly am not out to offend anyone. I think one has enough enemies and to add to the list is foolish.

I’ve spent a decent part of today working on content, the two aforementioned posts I recently worked on and something inside said you shouldn’t publish that. Most every time I go against that little voice it gets me into trouble so I started listening regardless if I agree or not.

How’s Tuesday treating you? For me it’s been a bit of a wild ride. I helped a person resolve a hell of a problem but had to do it over lunch, missed a meeting and had 2 upset cats. The morning started off okay but Marv was sick. That reminds me I forgot to give him his medicine. Well we can play catch up tonight. Otherwise it’s been an average day. My mosquito repellant came and that was the best thing that happened thus far. Last night I did empty out a lot of content from my DVR and that was enjoyable. Had my Cheesecake and of course this morning I stepped on the scale; I am a few pounds heavier. Not a complete surprise. Workday is about done and I am eager to step away from this box and monitors. Hope you had a great day. Take care of yourself and we will talk with you peeps again soon!

Munday

 

Clarifying statement … I didn’t share with you that my book was 60 pages long.  It was fun as well as painful to write.  I wanted to give you the page count so you didn’t think it was an encyclopedia.  I don’t have a lot of excerpts to share nor do I want to give away the entire content for free for obvious reasons.  However, there are some nuggets of knowledge in there that I do plan on sharing. 

Here we are the start of yet another week.  Last night I took double the dose of the strongest sleeping pill that I take on a regular basis.  It did its job very well and I woke up feeling well rested, which is a rare feeling for me. 

I did help the pill along a bit in that I shaved my face and my head as well as took a shower after taking the pills.  I was nice and relaxed.  I just sat in front of the TV knowing full well that eventually I would get super sleepy and that is exactly what happened. 

I am currently watching Teenage Bounty Hunters on Netflix and have yet to make it to the end, which is kind of a disappointment to me but I am doing a pretty good job.  Just a couple more episodes to go.  I saw a post on social media from Mackenzie Astin who I had a huge crush on growing up and since he was in it, I knew I had to watch it.  I was expecting something way different but it’s surprisingly good, at least to me.

I learned that we have a full week of nothing but sunshine.  That was welcoming news.  There is heat with that sunshine but at least there won’t be any damn rain.  My mosquito repellant should be delivered tomorrow so unless something radically changes, I can climb up on a ladder and clean out the gutters for what I hope will be the last time over the weekend.  Then purchase some rock and spread it in the front of the house where most of it has washed away.  Hopefully that will be the end of my home improvement projects for a while.  I still need to power wash the deck and paint the trim around the garage but neither of those projects appear to be that urgent to me. 

I’ve got a DVR full of content to empty tonight, plus some decent food to eat.  I picked up another French Whipped Cheesecake by Sara Lee and will certainly indulge myself with a large piece of that for dessert.  Sure, I don’t need it but hey I bought it so might as well eat it as oppose to throw it out or give it away. 

It’s been an oddly calm day and I hope that this will be a recurring theme for the week to match our sunny weather.  Marvin sure is happy about the sunshine because he likes to lay where the sun beams into the living room.  It’s a favorite spot of his late mothers.  If he isn’t there on occasion his sister will lay there but she is much more a fan of her own bed in my room. 

I hope that you had a great day and life is going well for you.  We have some new COVID restrictions in my neck of the woods and I am so happy with my decision in listening to my doctor’s advice and just staying away from people in general. The cases have spiked here at consistent levels for several days so there are some mild restrictions, if things get better, they go away if they get worse or stay the same the restrictions get worse. 

I did try to fix my fan issue on my PC but to no avail.  As long as the machine is running, I am good.  If I need to shutdown it’s risky because it might or might not come back.  I put the cover back on it and am watching the temperature of the CPU to be cautious.  I’ve also priced a replacement machine my problem is that my monitors are old so I will most probably want to spring for new monitors as well that tacks on to the cost.  I’ve got the money but I would rather not spend it.  Sure, my machine is old but the pain of configuring a new machine isn’t something I really want to go through.  If I have to go through it better for it to be planned than unplanned.  I’ve thought about making a purchase while I am taking some of my time here in a couple weeks but I keep vacillating.  If I am going to buy something that is most probably when it will happen unless circumstances dictate otherwise.  It’s not often that I shut my computer down, yet another reason for wanting to put this off. 

I’m going to scour the web as the last hour of my day ticks by until I can go up and see my furry family and get what I hope is a great evening started.  I suddenly have this odd craving for cherries, wonder why?  :) Take care and be well.  We will talk with you peeps again soon. 

My Coming Out Story

 

I was in counseling [therapy] in my teenage years because my grandparents thought I was acting out, not behaving correctly and they thought that perhaps I could use someone to talk to that was impartial.  What they failed to realize is that my brother was setting me up to take the fall.  While I was getting yelled at, he would be laughing his ass off and making fun of me, which as you can imagine didn’t set well with me.  Of course, I wasn't acting right because I was getting in trouble for shit that he setup or traps that he laid and I fell into.  I was the victim when I looked like the aggressor [perpetrator].  They say everything happens for a reason and well it did. 

It was my therapist that after a couple years of talking with me, confronted me and told me that one of my problems if you will, was that I was gay and trying to deal with coming to terms with it.  I myself didn't even know it and denied it.  Eventually enough time passed that allowed me to think about what he said and internalize it, which led me to the conclusion that he was in fact right.   While I was trying to sort this out, I told my family what he said and they agreed with me I wasn't gay I was just young and growing up.  I hadn't yet figured out who I was.  Except yeah, I had with a little bit of time.  I also figured out that my therapist was gay as well.  He had a boyfriend and he was older and passed away while we were in therapy.  The best advice I got from therapy was don't fall in love with an older man and I will be damned what did I do but disregard that sage advice. 

My therapist encouraged me that when I felt comfortable, I needed to come out to my grandma, it was important to acknowledge who I was.  I didn't understand why.  He said that I should only do it if I felt comfortable and thought it was safe.  It was very much a personal decision but something that he strongly encouraged me to do.  I was told that it would make me feel better about the whole thing.  As you would expect I wasn’t terribly comfortable with the idea and afraid that it would forever change my relationship with her.  I was grandma’s boy and we had a tight knit relationship.

One day I got up the courage and me and my grandmother sat down in the kitchen in the evening.  I told her that I was gay.  She dismissed it and she told me that I was confused and just growing up and figuring out life.  I was far too young to know that I was gay and I was more likely experimenting.  That's when I told her that I had sex and I liked it.  She was cautiously curious but pressed me for details while trying at the same time not to come unglued.  She asked me what kind of sex I had.  Without missing a beat, I said oral and I loved it.  She told me that a co-worker gave her a book [romance novel] to read at work and it had oral sex in the plot, she thought that was absolutely disgusting.  Then she asked where she was and where this took place.  That's when I told her it was in her home and she was home while this took place.  Eventually she became exhausted from grilling me on who the guy was.  She told me that it was going to be okay, it didn't change things between her and I, even though it was tough for her to comprehend.  I wasn’t dumb, I knew that if I gave up the guy’s name, he wouldn’t be able to come over and there would go my sex life.  The one thing she said is no matter what that I could never, ever tell my grandfather.  He surely would kick me out and disown me.  I am positive that she never said a word to him. 

Years later after she had passed, I was watching a gay porn movie in my bedroom and thought the door was locked but it wasn't.  My grandfather had a nasty habit of just sneaking up on you and that kind of bit him in the ass.  I didn't know it but he had opened the door while I was busy working and just about the time things were getting good the door slammed loudly.  I lost my momentum for a moment and became worried and scared.  Then I thought hell might as well finish what you started and back to work, I went.  I stayed in my room for a couple hours and when I came out it was as if nothing had happened.  He wasn't pleased with me but he never said a word.  It wasn't as if it was a huge surprise to him, I think he figured things out a long time ago but just never said anything to me.  He just had his fears, worries or concerns whatever completely confirmed and validated.  That had to be soul crushing and a frightful moment for him.  I honestly never really thought about it at the time.  I was more worried if we were going to have an argument and I was going to become homeless, which thankfully neither of which occurred.   

As for my mom I told her a short time after I told my grandmother.  My mom was a bit immature and while she was accepting, she asked me if I shoved the large flashlight, I was carrying with me up my ass for sexual pleasure, to which I responded no.  She wanted to know all about my first sexual experience and what I had tried.  I of course never told her a word, she was a bit twisted there and it just didn’t feel like something that was appropriate for a child to be telling their parent.  She was concerned on how I could top a guy with my back problems.  She always said that I should be a top.  She worked in a Hospital and after I told her she went to work and had to tell all of her coworkers who never quite looked at me the same way when I visited her at work.  Jesus my mom couldn't keep a secret if her life depended on it unless of course it was going to benefit her.

My brother kind of figured things out on his own.  I mean we had a conversation about it and he said that it didn’t bother him.  However, it was used against me when we would get into fights, he would call me a fag or faggot because he knew it would affect me and it did. 

The thing that I have found out is that Coming out is a continual and life long experience.  Some people think just because you tell your parents and friends that your journey is done.  Nope, as life goes on you find yourself telling a co-worker, your boss, your physician and the beat goes on.  Your never ever done coming out of the closet.  I have had people ask me why I felt compelled to tell them.  Simply put this is part of who I am and I want you to know all of me not just part of me. 

I've been asked if I was the man or the woman in the relationship, to which I replied were both men.  We each have a bit of a girly side but were both very much masculine.  I have also had people ask me if I was a top or a bottom.  Unless we're having sex it's really no one's business.  I get the curiosity to want to know that.   I mean when I find out a guy is gay that is one of the things that I really want to know, especially if they are or were famous and if I can find out great and if not, we'll so be it.

A side note, a bit off topic.  The one advantage to having an older man as your boyfriend, partner, husband, spouse, etc. is that people often would mistake us as Father and Son.  We wouldn't bother to correct them.  He [my late spouse] did fulfill part of the father role for me.  To us it was humorous.  I would have certainly spoken up but I knew telling people the truth (while he was alive) would have made him feel uncomfortable, so I respected his wishes.  It was a compromise that we agreed upon.  He did tell his best friend at the time in confidence and his friends wife overheard that ended the friendship because she is against homosexuals.  I really liked those people and we used to hang out all the time, that is until they found out the truth and things came to an awkward and abrupt halt.  I remember coming unglued at the time because he [my late spouse] didn’t ask me ahead of time if it was okay to tell someone about me [us]. 

Coming out is a very personal experience and once you say the words, I am gay, it's not like you can take those words back.  Therefore, you have to tread cautiously and think before you speak.  I of all people understand that one can be eager to shout it to the world, as was I.  However, I am thankful that I was able to have smart people in my life to discourage me from telling the world because there were times when it wouldn't have been appropriate, it would have changed things and it could have been detrimental to my career/employment.  I work in a state where it was legal to fire someone for being gay, which I think is so stupid.  How does one’s sexuality impact their ability to perform their job?  How does it change anything in the employer/employee relationship?  My point here is that only you know your circumstances and if it's safe for you to come out.  There are people who will embrace and applaud you and there are people who will react negatively.  While I wish that I was a bit more open, seeing things with hindsight I am thankful for the most part the way life turned out as it relates to who I have told and who I didn't tell. 

Where I work now, it is a progressive organization that has an LGBTQ + group setup and allies as well.  The thing that I don't like is that if you choose to come out, your placed in a group that serves as a mailing list, so if you have access as I do, you can clearly see who is gay.  There are people that I work with that I would never, ever under any circumstances want them to know about my sexuality just because.  No one is treated differently because they have chosen to come out but I think that group along with other minorities in our organization are played a bit Ike tokens for PR.  What I mean is that my opinion is look we have a gay group, an of color group, this group and a that group.  We are so proud of ourselves in the fact that we are diverse.  Yeah, I don’t think you need to advertise it, just say that you offer same sex benefits and that right there tells a person all they need to know.  I don't want that and I don't want a label hanging over me.  I am Jeremy a man.  Being gay is just part of who I am.  Just like having a love for pizza, being male and white is also part of who I am.  It changes nothing, you either like me for who I am or you don't. 

I am a sucker for a good coming out story, I like the emotions that come with the ride.  I remember watching the video of the Rhodes Brothers [there YouTube stars, give it a Google] telling their parents they were both gay.  I cried just as they did.  I am not particularly fond of when it doesn’t go well but it’s a gamble, as is all of life.  While you want to think everyone will be accepting of who you are and that it won’t change anything, it does change because you uttered those words [ I am gay] and you can’t take that back no matter what.  You have to take into consideration that the person on the other end might not be receptive and be prepared for whatever negative consequences could occur. 

Parts of this story were in my book but since Coming Out is something I view as a major life event, I decided to expound on this.  I hope that you enjoyed it.  It certainly was an emotional rollercoaster that had some great risks as well as rewards.  I’m glad that I was able to tell my grandmother and that she was so tolerant.  She didn’t endorse it but understood that I was born that way and it wasn’t a choice I made.  I know that she would be extremely proud of the man I have become and I really wish she could see me now. 

You hear the saying "It Gets Better" applied to coming out.  Yes, it does get better but usually when people get older and more mature.  If your coming out in school, my opinion is that most people aren't mature enough to deal with it until they are College age.  If your thinking of coming out, don't do it because I did, do it because it's something you want to do.  Below are some resources that I hope are of help. 

HRC Resource Guide for Coming Out 

Matthew Shepard Foundation  - Coming Out Resources 

The Trevor Project - Coming Out | A Handbook for LGBTQ Young People

 

 

Good news for you

I don’t think that I mentioned it but I wrote a book. This was all going back to when I lost my spouse and all that came with that horrible event, while I was going through it. Once the dust settled I self-published the book with the help of LULU.com. I rushed to get it in print and there unfortunately were horrible editing mistakes that I overlooked and didn’t catch until I was reading a proof that I had ordered. The book was for sale for a short time and even made it on Amazon, before I pulled it. Sadly, I didn’t sell one copy, which was okay, I mean I didn’t think of it as a major source of income but if I could make a little money it would be worth it. My family of course laughed at me and told me how foolish I was. I did set a goal and accomplish it, which made it worthwhile for me. I ordered several proofs and autographed them and sent them to the people that I valued most for helping me through what was a very low point in my life to show my thanks and appreciation.

I’ve often thought about a second book and even made a go at it but never really had the drive to put all of the energy and time into it like I did the first one. If you haven’t done it before, book writing is very time consuming and I didn’t know that going into it. I figured a couple hours here and there and within a week I could be done. Then publish it and presto the work is done. I wish it would have worked like that but it didn’t happen. It took at least six months if not longer to pour over it and write what I did. Thinking of names for chapters, much less the title was difficult.

I mention the book because I like to have a topic to write about and trying to think of new topics to keep you my readers entertained is a bit of a challenge to me, since I live what I think of as a dull & lonely life. I am just an average person who happens to be gay and lost their mate. The world has become a lonely and empty place void of the joy and pleasure that I used to have. Don’t get me wrong I do get a laugh now and then and I still have orgasms, ice cream and good food so it’s not all bad.

I want to be able to help people but also be able to help myself through writing. Building up a following and getting feedback (comments) feels good and gives me the drive to continue. I am starved for attention among other things. I am not rich or well off by any stretch of the imagination, that’s why I have a full-time job because absent of that I would have no money. I am proud of how far I have come and the obstacles that I have tackled. So, it may seem from time to time as if I am bragging and well, I suppose I am. I amaze myself and marvel in the fact that I have made it this far, which I didn’t think would ever be possible. I’ve proven to myself you don’t know what you can accomplish until your back is against the wall and you have no choice. I’ve given it some thought and am pleased to inform you that moving forward, I have elected to share some of the content with you, my readers. I’m doing this with the hopes that you will get a more accurate picture of me, be able to relate more to me and perhaps walk away with some lessons learned. I will of course continue with my normal posting of happenings in my current life as well as my feelings.

Right now, it’s Sunday morning soon to be afternoon. I am a little sleepy, the cats are starved for attention and probably think it’s close to lunch time. I could use a little bit of time away from this box. I have some work tasks to do a bit later this afternoon that will keep me glued here for longer than I want, so I figure might as well enjoy some freedom and relaxation while it still exists.

I hope that your having a great day and that life is going well for you. Thanks for your visit today and be sure to come back again soon.

DISLOYAL - Book Forward

 

Listen to Rachel Maddow read the forward of Michael Cohen's book Disloyal.  I don't know about you but I am not much of a book fan.  After I heard this I am dying to get my hands on the finished product, this is something I actually want to read.  

DISLOYAL - Book Forward

Fun Time Friday

 

Another week under our belts.  It’s been rocky and interesting, which is par for the course.  Monday we were all informed that our boss wanted to start a new practice with our weekly team meetings.  He wanted each of us to appear on camera and this is going to be a recurring theme.  I’m not a huge fan of it but I embraced it for what it was worth.  It was enjoyable to see everyone again.  I see that some of us look the same and some of us have put on weight.  At least I know I am not the only one packing on the pounds. 

I made a discovery on You Tube that an old TV show from the 80’s is there in all of it’s glory.  No commercials or ads (at least not thus far).  The show is called Gimme A Break.  It starred Nell Carter who was a very funny woman and the life of the show.  This is where I got my first exposure to Joey Lawrence who started out as an innocent cute kid, who turned into a hunk of a teenager and a very handsome man.  It’s kind of apt that I found the show considering my last post.  The theme song just plays over and over in my head from time to time.  I think we all could use a break right about now.  Check it out if you need a laugh and like situation comedies. 

Charlie Puth released a new single called Why are you so hard on yourself.  I love his music and well of course him as well.  I know he’s straight and I think that it’s just a gay man’s curse to constantly lust after a straight man.  This guy has a great body but it’s his vocal cords that really sing.  He’s truly got a gift. 

The lawn man showed up this afternoon out of the blue.  He wasn’t due here until Monday.  Not exactly sure why he has scattered the day he shows up but since were at our usual second mowing of the month I went ahead and got him a check.  Normally we square up at the end of the month or every 4 weeks.  We got an extra Monday in this month and that is his usual day to mow.  He also oddly enough stopped sending me bills in the mail.  I guess I must be his only customer that doesn’t need a reminder.  Go me!

A mosquito followed me into the house.  Those things are silent but deadly to me because I don’t feel them biting me.  The next time I have to get my blood drawn I’m going to ask them to use the Mosquito needle.  That should get a chuckle.  Anyway, the damn thing was evasive but I reluctantly hung up a fly trap (glue strip) and the damn thing flew into it.  That was a welcoming site.   

We have also had our fair share of storms this week.  Some power flickering here and there but never totally lost power.  When we first moved here it would flicker 3 times and then presto out, she goes.  Glad those days are behind us.  Sort of like with the cable modem, it would rain outside and we had no internet. 

I’m doing okay all things considered.  Looking forward to hopefully picking up my check for my phone tomorrow.  Also have to get the furry family some additional food and make a Target trip.  Maybe I will splurge and dine out via drive thru of course. 

I am mulling over some thoughts about my next topic to write about.  If you have any suggestions, they are certainly welcome.  I hope you all have a nice weekend.  Take care and I will talk with you peeps later. 

The COVID Blues

** DISCLAIMER**  What you are about to read might frighten or alarm you, for that I am sorry.  I am not in any imminent danger and have no plans to harm myself. I just need to vent a bit.

_________________________________________________________________

COVID and its restrictions. At first it wasn’t all that bad but that was months ago. To keep this up day in and day out for the foreseeable future, causes me to think I am not going to make it out of this alive. I wasn't Mr. Social to start with but being removed from society (daily commute, daily interactions with others) to now be working from home, I am just going stir crazy from the isolation. I just want out and want this to be over with. What exactly does that mean? Not to scare or alarm you, but to be very blunt I have a death wish. I've had it ever since I lost my spouse. It depends upon circumstances and that causes me to vacillate. Meaning that if things are good, I am not thinking about it and if things are bad then I very much think about it. I say that I am sticking around for my cats. I honestly think they are here as a distraction and also an obstacle, so that I will remain alive.

I've been asked before by Health Care Professionals if I have ever formed a plan to commit suicide. I lie like a rug and say of course not. Truth be told, yes, I have thought about several different ways. This part of the post may sound like I am having a pity party but that’s not the case and I don’t want to give that impression. I mean everyone has something they are dealing with, that is just part of life. I was always one to try to run from my problems rather than address them. Once I lost my spouse that changed everything and I no longer wanted to hide. You can't out run your problems, you may be able to take a vacation from them or delay them but eventually you have to deal/face them. That is the only way they go away and then of course you get new problems to take the place of the old problems. How much fun is it being an adult? It’s as if life is just one problem solving puzzle after another.

The thought of committing suicide entered my mind when I was first coming to terms and dealing with my sexuality. You know your young and think that your life is over because your gay. Well when I was growing up the world was a different place. Today I think that many kids figure it out and then just come out and life gets better for them, because the world is a different place and much more tolerant and accepting. Don’t get me wrong there still are haters and people that don’t accept anyone that is different than them, be it in skin color, sexuality, religion and there is a litany of various items, just fill in the blank.

I am just stating facts here… Outside of work and the cats no one really depends on me or needs me. I have one friend left in the world and we were closer in times past but I feel like we're slowly drifting apart. Absent of my two remaining cats, my family has departed the earth and there really isn’t a large enough reason that I want to continue to exist. Now if I manage to turn things around, find a new guy and fall in love well then there would be a reason to exist. I could also shackle myself by getting another cat after the two I have pass on.

We all have stories to tell and bring something different to the table. I can see myself given my life's experiences as a contributor and I do enjoy helping people. However, I feel so alone, so lost and it's so scary. The lonely part is by far the worst.

Again, not a pity party but I've been through a war or to hell and back. It’s been like that most of my life and as time goes on the problems & situations, I deal with are different and larger in magnitude. I am tired and just ready for things to either get better or to give up and call it a day. I realize that if I give up, then I will never know if things would get better. I suppose that the suspense of wondering what is going to happen and how life will turn out, combined along with my cats is what keeps me here. Curiosity if you will. Longing and hoping that something good will happen. There are good things that happen in my life but the negative or the bad seems to outweigh that, or so it appears from my point of view.

COVID with its isolation only further exacerbates my depression. Not to mention we are close to my next birthday. Last year was the absolute worst birthday ever. I was all alone, just discovered that I had a mold problem at home and figured it was the beginning of the end. Turns out I have made it through that event. I dealt with the imminently dangerous and health hazardous items with self-remediation. Lots of internet research and YouTube video watching. I am not a mechanically inclined person and I fail at most any mechanical task when I try. However, I didn’t do a half bad job in taking care of the emergent issue. There is still mold present in my home and I need some serious work done to fully fix that. I have fixed what was most urgent and have to live with the rest. It's not affecting my health, but it did and it took a while to discover what the actual problem was. Mold is expensive to remediate and unless you have a mold rider on your homeowner’s insurance there is no coverage. Like most people I don’t have that rider, it’s not something that the average person will ever need. I was never told about it or given an option to purchase the rider but if I would have known about it, I would have signed up for sure. Perhaps that nugget of knowledge will help someone. I didn’t bother with making a claim, I just pulled out my policy and read it, then found the answer and was seriously further depressed.

Sorry I digressed there for a bit. Back on point. This year I will be alone like last year, I removed my birthday from my social media on purpose. Your social media friends wish you a happy birthday as what feels to me like it’s perfunctory. I do think that I will be depressed when my birthday rolls around but not as bad as last year. It feels just like every other day of the week and it’s been that way ever since I got out of my 30’s. Next year I will be out of my 40's and into my 50's, which is also something that I don't look forward to. Additionally, the older you get the less marketable you are in the dating world. The gays are a vain bunch and looks are everything to most [gay] people. I don’t have a rocking body and that doesn’t help things either. Let's face it at the end of the day no one wants an old man and slowly that is what I am turning into or so it feels that way to me. I wound up with an older man who was young when we started but turned in to an old man with time. He made me very happy, did his best to look out for my well-being and imparted a wealth of knowledge. Watching him grow old and have health problems well that was not what I signed up for but I was well aware that it came with the package. If it wasn’t for me, I don’t honestly think he [my late spouse] would have lived as long as he did. He always said he would live to be 100 and died in his 70’s, which is still young but an average long life, considering his health.

I do honestly believe that there is another guy in the world for me but finding him seems to be an impossible task. I've gotten used to being single & alone. However, absent of the physical & sexual needs as well as the having someone to be there when your ill or in a jam it's not that bad. I've got the physical/sexual part down with my porn addiction. It's when I get sick or when I get older and need help, I would like to have a reliable person in my life that I can truly depend on and it would be even better if we had feelings for each other.

My insomnia is growing worse as time goes on. I can be tired as in exhausted and wake up in the middle of the night either on my own or because of a noise or a cat. It matters not why I am awake the difficult part is going back to sleep. I know for certain I can use a better mattress, that would help things along. Less stress and worry would also help greatly. However, I find that once I am awake going back to sleep is next to impossible because my brain starts working and I can't turn it off. I want to go back to sleep but my body fights against it and prevents me from doing so. Then just when it's time to get up is when I really can fall back asleep. I have amazed myself on how I can manage to make it through the day on little to no sleep and still function quite well. That was an impossible task when I was younger.

This post has been brewing for a while and I have made many edits. I’ve been slightly afraid to post it but today I am pulling out the stops and up it goes. Yesterday, I got a complimentary 1-year membership to Calm it’s an app for your mobile device. You can listen to sleepy time story’s, learn how to meditate and relax. I’ve played with it a bit. Sounds like it just might be what I have been needing.

In summary … simply put I just want things to get better, stay better and keep getting better all the time. I’m probably asking for utopia and I know that just doesn’t exist. I want to live now while I can, have fun, make memories, spend some money, travel, eat some great food, see some hot men (not sleep with them) and find the next and hopefully final love of my life and that will all give me a reason to get out of bed and continue with my life. We all need a reason to get out of bed in the morning, when you lose that reason that's when you die. I've been told that and seen that all too often. I don't want to be married to my job but that is a slight reality right now. I can easily file for divorce and distance myself, of course it will probably affect my performance a bit but I am told by many people at work, that I am simply the best and it's something I hear often. While I appreciate the compliment, eventually it rings hollow.

No one likes to hear someone complain. However, as the old tv song goes. You take the good, you take the bad and there you have The Facts of Life. This is my outlet to get it out of my system and I think as long as I have pondered over this, things have gotten a little bit better or maybe it’s just my mood that changed. Either way I feel better at the moment and hope that continues.

Thanks again and I will talk with you peeps again soon!

Holy Cow, stressful day!

My day started off early at 2a when thunderstorms woke me up. There was no going back to sleep it was a serious storm. I did my usual, got up had a Diet Coke and grabbed a couple Oreos. Watched TV and waited for the sugar to help lull me back to sleep. That happened around 5a. Then the cats had to have their breakfast so I was back up at 6a and of course the storm was still raging. I fed them and hopped back in bed.

I finally got up around 9a and just got started with my day. Since the storm was going there was no way I was leaving to get in the rain just to get groceries. Instead I started by taking care of some weekend work tasks. While they were processing, I cleaned up my home PC and rebooted it. It came back up and I logged back in at work, the job I had running was done. I checked and of course as I predicted my co-worker hasn’t bothered to log back in and do his part like he was supposed to. I’ll hear some lame excuse tomorrow and then he will be working on it all day. It’s such a disappointment, I expected more from him. Boss man called and we chatted about it, I just chalked it up to something probably came up.

I went back to bed but there was no sleeping even though I was tired. I opted to get up and eat some lunch around 12:30p. Then got dressed and headed out. The sun was shining and I was happy about that. The grocery store was packed to the brim. There was however a larger selection of prepared food to choose from. I got some Italian dishes and a Burrito. Nothing terribly exciting but hey if push comes to shove, I can always hit up a drive through or call in something and pick it up.

I made the mistake of playing with the gutter outside and got attacked by Mosquitoes, I knew I should have stayed in the house but I wanted to try something out. It’s a temporary fix and I will need to find a better solution, but that involves a trip to the hardware store and that is put off for another day.

Then on to unpack the groceries and as soon as I was done, I got an alert that a machine on the network came in contact with a virus. This is actually the part when my boss reached out. He is a micro manager at times. I know what I have to do but he decided to micro manage and I did things ½ ass. Of course, he called back about a half hour later to “check on me” and wasn’t terribly happy with the course of action I chose. I didn’t want to bother the user because it’s hell to get someone to call you back, especially on a weekend. I knew that our AV product cleaned things up, it’s in the log – but that isn’t good enough for him. You have to run a complete scan. Gee if you are going to that extreme might as well replace the machine, I mean AV can only tell you what it sees (detects) but if you think there is something lurking the only sure way to certify that is to build a replacement machine. That’s a huge inconvenience to the user and I almost issued the command to have that done because the fucker wouldn’t call me back once I reached out. Of course, I send an all clear email because I took over the machine and got the scan done. Then the fucker has been pestering me all afternoon but since he’s an “unknown” caller he goes to voicemail but won’t leave a message.

Now it’s time to take care of a title change aka a promotion. I got that done and then opted to do something I never ever do when I am on-call. I turned off my home computer. It is up 99.99% of the time. It’s great for ease of use. However, if you don’t give the machine a break now and then you run the risk of blowing a fan or power supply, at least that has been my experience. Well when I started it back up hours later, I got an error message that the CPU fan wasn’t detected. See what I mean.

I got the machine to start backup, and took the case off. All of the fans were spinning. I turned it off and watched at start up. The fan on the CPU wanted to start spinning when power was applied but it froze. I got an error message, told the machine to boot anyway and then the CPU fan started up. This machine is 6 years old and that is well beyond the lifespan of an average home desktop computer. While I know that I will need a new machine eventually I am trying to put it off as long as possible. I did some shopping on-line and have an idea of what to expect if I opt to pull the trigger.

By now the day has gotten away from me. I had to start cleaning the house and physical activity caused my sugar to plummet like a rock. I kept pushing through until I just couldn’t take it any longer and then got to the kitchen and started consuming food like mad. Then time to rest. Watched a little TV and then got up. Time to put out medicine, I do this task once every 3 weeks and I hate it with a passion.

I wanted to write a completely different post that I have been suppressing and need to just get it out to feel better but here I sit bitchin. As if all of this isn’t bad enough my MS Office Suite decided to become corrupt so I had to reinstall it.

It’s been a busy and stressful day. I am glad it’s time to call it quits. Looking forward to some Chocolate Chip Oatmeal in the morning. It’s a new flavor and I had to try it. Hot cereal (what I can eat) all blends together after a while. Plus, I eat so fast that I really don’t enjoy it because I am rushing so much. I did this prior to COVID. I had a small amount of time to gobble and then it was shower time and after that it was get dressed and get out the door. You never know what traffic will be like and better to be ahead than behind. While I will likely not have to worry about traffic for the foreseeable future at some point the game will change and life hopefully will return to a state of normal.

Best news that I have to offer is that I have some time off coming the start of next month. I still have a morning task to preform at work but that usually only takes 30 minutes. Then the rest of the day is all mine and hopefully no one will bother me. Of course, just as I got approval, I learned that another co-worker is taking time as well for surgery and that kind of took me by surprise. He’s older and I just don’t have a good feeling about it.

Well I need to get away from this screen because I will be back here and trapped in the morning. I’m glad that that cats are so forgiving. Let’s hope I don’t catch too much hell when I go upstairs. Now it hits me I’ve still got to deal with laundry. Oh joy, the cherry on the cake of my day. I suppose it can always be worse no matter how bad it is.  Best part is that tomorrow is a brand new day and we start fresh.  Hopefully things won’t go off the rails. 

Here’s hoping that you had a better day than me. Were in for lots of stormy weather this week and I think with that will come some sleep interruptions but hopefully not. Talk with you peeps again soon. Take care and be well.

Stressful Week Done

I am glad that the week is done. On call hasn’t been terribly bad, thus far. We had several people leave yesterday; it was expected. They are students that are hired for summer work and when it gets close to back to school, off they go. Me and a colleague divided up the list when it was time for them to start and I thought it was only fitting to do the same as they were leaving. He had an event to go to but promised that he would get his part done yesterday. Well he claimed that the hotel where he was staying had flaky internet so he wasn’t able to get his part done yesterday. Now he claims that he will do his part today but I suspect there will be yet another delay. He thinks I am going to take his part but as much as it’s killing me, I am giving him room and waiting to see what he does with it. The immediate danger has been removed because I turned off everyone’s account yesterday, that was part of the plan. There is more work to departing someone than just flipping a switch in our environment, although in other environments it’s all automated where as our process involves lots of moving parts. I couldn’t imagine just issuing a command and that being the end of it. However, maybe someday that will be the case. One can dream.

I had an internal public speaking engagement that my boss signed me up for, I did it all from the comfort of my home but still I was addressing a large audience. I knew the subject matter but still I stressed about it all week long. I am glad that it’s over with. Sort of like ripping off a band-aid, better to just get it over with. It was kind of fun and once I started talking and concentrating, I forgot all about being nervous. One of our C-Suite Executives was in the meeting. I saw he was invited but he almost never attends, well yesterday was that one rare time. I threw in some sugar & spice to be nice because I knew I was being watched. I got accolades from my peers, nothing yet from management and I honestly don’t expect to hear anything.

On more of a personal note, I got caught up in a series on HBO called I’ll Be Gone in the Dark. It’s a crime series and involves Patton Oswalt’s late wife who was a crime writer. She actually started a book, died unexpectedly when all of the pieces were just starting to come together and Patton as well as friends of hers that were collaborating with her finished the book. It was really good. In case you’re not aware Patton Oswalt is a comedian and I watched some of his stand-up act. In one show he talks about being widowed and when I hear that someone lost their spouse, I just feel a connection to them because I am in similar shoes. His case was worse than mine in that he has a little girl and telling a child has to be a horrifically upsetting event.

My insomnia kicked in this morning at 4am. Plus, Gator has been yowling at night. She spends time in my bathroom which is not good at all. All of the cats I have had that start spending time in the bathroom wind up dying. It’s like they are trying to tell me they are sick or something is wrong. With her I see nothing other than possible dementia. It sucks when your sound asleep and she decides to get started because she is loud to start with, then the bathroom amplifies the sound and it just rips your heart out. She does it during the day when it’s time for lunch or she misses me and needs a reminder that I am still in the house. Her Brother did this as well but he was in pain and once we got his pain under control and him on medicine for his knee, he doesn’t do it unless he wants attention or food and no more middle of the night wake up calls. My hope is that Gator settles down. She is the only cat that I have owned that didn’t’ require a trip to the vet. In fact, the last time she was there I think was to have her staple removed from when she was fixed. I mean that in the singular term because she took the rest of them out on her own and that was the second set. The first set she ripped out on the way home from the vet after she was released. I had to take her back and they put a second set in at $150 and within an hour after wards she was pulling them out. How she healed is beyond me but she did. As for the future well, I am waiting for her to guide me on what to do. If I can’t figure it out then we will involve the vet.

Of the interesting things I ate this week a new bowl by Stouffer’s, Tender Steak & Potatoes. Of course, I do like some good tube steak, that’s the only kind I crave. Wink, Wink! I hate steak but this did not disappoint. It was tender and full of flavor. The best steak I have ever had was at Ruth Chris where they sear the steak in butter it’s so tender but also so expensive. It’s about supper time and I am going to have some Stouffer’s frozen Lasagna. I’ve got some extra shredded Italian Blend cheese to put on top to help enhance it. As frozen foods go Stouffer’s does a really good job but you pay a premium to buy brand name. Personally, I think it’s worth it if you can afford it. My favorite Lasagna is fresh and comes from Maggiano’s. I have yet to find anything to rival it but I am always looking.

I hope to get in some quality time with the cats, watch TV and play on my phone. Eventually falling asleep. Never mind that we slept a good portion of the day away and it was fun. Gator curled up in bed with me and didn’t leave my side.

I hope that you had a great week and are having an even better weekend. Thanks for stopping by. I will talk with you peeps again soon.

Talk and it vibrates

Modern Technology has advanced so far that they make a vibrator that is controlled with your voice. Just when you thought you have seen it all, something new pops out of the wood work and amazes you. I’m not ordering one but was surprised. Could you imagine having the vibrator turn on while it was stored away, just when company came over or maybe your parents dropped by for a visit, All because someone was playing around with the remote control and talking into it. How fun would it be to explain that?

Thus far everyone that could possibly have to sort through my affairs after I pass away already knows I am gay. They have no idea of the vast amount of porn and the toys that I have. Some of them will really raise some eyebrows and presuming I don’t get rid of any of it before I pass away, I’d love to be a fly on the wall when certain people make the amazing discovery. I’m not a saint, nor do I profess to be one.

On to another subject. A doctor that used to treat me passed away. We grew up with most of his kids. It’s amazing to see that a couple of them went into medicine. Like Father, Like Son. Since the family was Roman Catholic and had money, all of his kids went to Catholic Grade and High School. I switched over to public, why pay for the same thing your tax dollars are already paying for? Besides that, public high school had more kids and was much more diverse. Anyway, looking at photos that were posted on line of the kids back in the day brought back some memories.

Yesterday a couple people got fired. I knew and worked closely with one of them. I had a mega crush on him when he first started but that quickly wore off once he showed his true colors. He was one of those guys who could talk a good game and do great PR but when the rubber met the road, he threw the ball over the fence in the hopes someone else would pick it up. I was on the receiving end of many of his “hot potatoes” and it wore thin quickly. To fire someone now since were all working remote, they call a Zoom meeting and tell you that way. I think that is a horrible way to learn that your loosing your job but I suppose there are worse ways. I know we warn people ahead of time and use progressive discipline but it still sucks to see someone loose their job, even if it is their fault. It’s a little worse now that COVID hit but I get that it’s just business and business has no feelings or emotion in it. It’s part of my job to turn off access when someone leaves regardless of how they are leaving. I can’t help it that I am human and have feelings, so some people I am happy to see leave and others well be it circumstances or because I really liked working with them, makes it difficult. I still soldier on and do what I have to. What’s worse is when you know in advance the axe is going to fall and you can’t tell the person. I mean you could but then you’d be right behind them.

I really had high hopes of catching up today but I am still behind. There were several unplanned things that occurred that I had to deal with since I am the on-call person and that does take away from one’s productivity. What I really wanted to accomplish was getting the dreaded monthly report I am responsible for started and all of my work done. I have to wait on others to complete their parts but I always feel better when my part is out of the way.

The cats are doing well and keeping me busy with their demands of food, water and attention. Right now, it’s unusual because it’s 7p and I am blogging from the couch. Gator is in my room asleep. Marv is on the floor asleep. Normally they spend the night with me on the couch until it’s time for bed. We did have a bit of time together when my day was done but Marv had to have his food. I’m really glad they are here!

As for me, well I am hanging in there as they say. I picked up something different from the store. White Cheddar Mac & Cheese Balls. They are filled with Mac & Cheese plus a little bit of rice and some peppers. I had one last night and it wasn’t what I was expecting but it was good. I had plans to have the other one tonight but opted instead to have some Spaghetti and Meat Balls. Pretty good. I also got a new unusual treat. Klondike the ice cream bar company came out with Boston Cream Donuts. It’s an ice cream bar that has a hole in the middle to resemble a donut and it’s flavored. They are really good. I am not a Boston Cream fan but it’s hard to go wrong when it comes to ice cream. So here I sit enjoying some good food but food that isn’t good for me. Growing sideways as I age. There are worse ways to spend the day.

Nothing on the list to record tonight until 8p when the Rachel Maddow Show comes on. I will turn on the TV and browse You-Tube videos, maybe go have one of those ice cream donuts and wait until it gets a bit later. Grab a shower and call it a day. Then we start fresh again tomorrow. Here’s hoping that I can catch up.

Thanks for stopping by. I do hope that you are well and life is being kind to you. I’ll talk with you peeps again soon.

Loosing my religion

 It’s a great song by REM and I figured it was appropriate for this post.  I wanted to talk about Religion & God.  It seems to be a hot topic and just like politics, you’re not supposed to talk about it because it can cause tempers to flair.  What works for one person doesn’t work for another and as the saying goes different strokes for different folks.  The purpose of this post is just to inform you of my beliefs, I am not looking to start a war or to anger anyone.  Life is too short for that. 

I was raised Roman Catholic and went to Catholic grade school up until the 5^th grade (mid semester).  The school had some lay teachers but mostly I was educated by Nuns.  In second grade I thought I wanted to become a priest.  Everyone made fun of me for that.  My grandfather thought it was a great idea.  That would be one of the few times we would see eye to eye. 

Our parish priest was run out of town because a good portion of the parishioners thought he was gay.  Turns out years later I found out that he was in fact gay.  This was covered up with the excuse that he became an alcoholic and he was reassigned.  We got a new priest and it was odd to adjust to, but he was a decent guy. 

The gay priest that was run out of town still owned a home that he purchased so he was frequently back in the area.  As I got older, he made a request for me to come and do some yard work for him.  He was a slave driver and if you told him you were done, he inspected and then you found out you weren’t done.  He paid very cheaply as well.  He had rented out the house to a guy who he called a friend.  The guy was gay and I didn’t have much interaction with him.  I know your probably thinking this is where I am going to tell you that I was molested or sexually abused.  Nope, nothing ever happened.  Never mind that we were both gay, I had yet to discover my sexuality.  I did keep in touch with the priest but stopped working for him, manual labor just wasn’t my thing.

I went through the motions or ritual of the Catholic Church.  However, as I was growing up both me and my younger brother went to a Baptist Church for day care, which eventually turned into after school care.  Vacation Bible School was part of the program there and all of the kids had to go.  They took us to church and had their alter call.  I don’t know if I felt guilt or was just enamored by the whole ordeal but I answered an alter call and said that I wanted a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  My grandmother came unhinged and shut that down quickly.  I was Catholic and that’s all there was to it.  It was a simple misunderstanding.  I felt that the Protestants had more entertainment and less church than the Catholics.  It was more enjoyable and I had more of a good time than anything. 

Fast forward to around the age of 18 when I had just completed High School.  I met my spouse and he was Assembly of God.  That’s Pentecostal which was nothing even remotely close to Catholic.  I went to church with him a couple times and then decided that I wanted to convert.  My grandparents were heart broken by my decision.  However, I was an adult [under the law] and old enough to make my own decisions.  It was not as if the door to the Catholic Church was shut on me, I was always welcome back. 

My grandmother developed a Brain Tumor which altered her personality and decision making.  We all saw it but none of us could pin-point what was wrong with her.  I got her a doctor’s appointment and when she came home, she told me that she had a cyst and needed to take baths but that she was otherwise okay.  We gave it a few days but clearly, she still wasn’t herself and things were getting worse and not better.  I called the doctor and got another appointment for her.  He ordered a cat scan and she came home mad as a wet hen at me.  She was at the point where she was through with me.  That simply meant what it implies, she wanted nothing more to do with me, she wouldn’t speak to me unless it was absolutely necessary.  Once you got her to that stage there was no coming back, she stuck to her guns.  In any case we got the results back and found out that she had a Brain Tumor.  She was admitted to the hospital and then we found out that it was cancerous and that it spread to her lungs.  She was a life long smoker so it was understandable.  However, she was in her early 60’s, still very young. 

I stuck to my faith in God, I prayed for her and had prayer going for her at church.  She made some progress and was able to come home.  Then we all started fighting over her and she got worse.  We had to put her back in the hospital and they induced her into a coma.  It was pretty bad because she started calling for her dead sister [a sister who passed when I was very young and didn’t get to meet]. 

I was with my spouse at his original home and we were praying.  He got a call from God that told him to get me to the hospital as quickly as possible.  Him and God well they had a direct line to each other.  There was only one problem we were in late December; it was late and there was a massive snow storm.  Still he drove us [he knew how to drive a car well] and we raced there.  The entire way he told me to pray.  Keep in mind that my grandmother was in a coma and hadn’t spoken for days.  She was on a feeding tube.  We arrived at the hospital and magically she was awake, alert and oriented.  She couldn’t talk that well but we did have a conversation.  Things went very well and I didn’t want to leave despite it being well after visiting hours.  I had to be pried away from her.  I was so excited to see some progress and I was quick to tell the rest of the family that I thought she was getting better.  The next evening, she died.  I was the last person she spoke to. 

I viewed her being awake and able to carry on a conversation with her as a miracle because she wasn’t supposed to be talking with me.  For God to take her from me was a huge disappointment but I remain thankful to this very day that I was able to talk with her one last time, even though I didn’t know it would be our last conversation.  We parted on good terms, she was no longer angry at me and was truly herself and not in an altered personality.  That warmed my heart. 

I went on to become a member of my spouse’s church.  Things were going well and then politics entered as they do in most churches.  I didn’t see them as a Catholic but they were there.  At any rate the church split.  I was with the ½ of the church that was for our pastor who was a good guy and had done nothing wrong.  We went on to form a smaller congregation and eventually we [me and my spouse] elected to stop going.  It was more of a chore.  We had to go further away, meet late on Sunday afternoon and it was honestly more of a hassle than anything. 

We both still prayed but our connections with God or at least mine became distant.  I saw him work before.  I saw him work again when my spouse had a bad accident and shouldn’t have walked away but did.  Then I saw my spouse suffer his first stroke, he was told he would never walk again and would have problems speaking.  He went on to regain his speech and mobility.  There are other events that I am sure God played a part in but I lost touch. 

My spouse passed away shortly after Easter but prior to that he became interested in some series that I can only remember as The Christ but according to Google there isn’t anything like that at least that’s my findings from the cursory search I did.  Anyway, we had a talk about 2 days before his second stroke hit.  He told me that I needed to strengthen my faith and not waffle, God is there and he is real.  All I have to do is believe and have faith.  He said something like I told God to take me and I told him that I wished he wouldn’t have said that.  He asked me why and I told him because your going to die.  He was having some further mobility problems and some of the affects from the first stroke were starting to reoccur like having balance issues.  Little did I know that it was because he stopped taking his medicine. 

I’m glad that I didn’t become a priest because if I did chances are, I would have been caught up in the sexual scandal that rocked the Catholic Church.  Sexual abuse has been going on long before this scandal came to light.  I never did understand why one had to be celibate and couldn’t get married.  I think that caused a lot of the trouble.  I mean were all only human and humans have desires.  One can only repress or ignore their sexual feelings for so long before they eventually wind up giving in. 

As you probably guessed my belief in God has wavered.  I listen to people like the Late George Carlin who refers to God as an invisible man in the sky.  He always needs money but you can’t see him.  If your interested just give it a Google I am sure you could hear the whole routine. 

I also refer to a time when I was sick, still living in my childhood home after my grandmother had passed.  I got up out of bed because I needed to use the restroom.  I remember walking from my room to the bathroom entrance and closing the door behind me.  After that things got foggy.  I got this horrible pain in my stomach and can remember bending over.  When I woke up about a ½ hour later I found myself across the bathroom floor with blood pouring out of my head.  Just before I woke up, I remember seeing a bright light.  It was the brightest thing I have ever seen in my life and then presto fully awake and confused.  I got up and figured out that I had passed out and hit my head on the sink, I needed stiches.  I went from fully awake to no memory, no existents at all.  I remember being winded from the pain and who knows if I actually stopped breathing for a moment but I suspect I did.  My point here is that I didn’t see God, I didn’t see my dead Grandmother – I simply stopped existing for a few moments. 

When I get into a jam I still pray as I am sure many people do.  I became an Ordained Minister, by the power vested in the internet and parting with some cash, I can officially marry, bury and preform other ceremonies.  It’s something that I always wanted to do.  To date I have yet to use it.  I thought it would be neat to have the clergy sticker and park in the clergy spot at the hospital when I go for my blood draws as it’s better parking but again I have yet to do it. 

Today I still waiver if there is a God and if there isn’t.  What if when we die the lights just get turned off and we leave our shell of a body.  There truly isn’t a heaven or hell.  What exactly is a soul?  Why can’t I see God?  Sure, I have felt his work but what if that wasn’t his work but rather a stroke of good luck?  It’s all very confusing.  Someone once said to me when I started to talk about God, how can you say there is a God when babies die?  Yeah, I can’t answer that.  I mean were all essentially born to die when you think about it.  Why have some of the bad things like the death of my spouse, the difficult time I had afterwards and the criminal event I described in a past post occur?  If there was a God surely, he would only want the best for me.  He wouldn’t want me to suffer.  Why did he take my family from me?  It’s all a twist. 

It’s odd that you can take a “bad person” who is a criminal and lock them up.  They will soon find Jesus or God.  Most everyone in Prison talks about a higher power in some form or fashion.  The same is true if you get into a recovery group like for alcohol or drugs, it’s actually part of the 12-step program. 

I have a lot of unanswered questions and a lot of confusion.  I don’t know if I will ever sort it out before it’s too late.  All I can tell you for sure is that if there is a Heaven and I will be reunited with all of my family, then that’s where I want to be when I die.