Hanging on

Not a whole lot has changed since I last made an entry.  I have been rejected a few times and gotten closure on a job that I thought for sure was coming through.  I don’t exactly like hearing no but after you have heard that word most of your life it gets a little easier to deal with. 

A place that is close to home that I applied for but was turned down, has an ad out again.  I applied.  They have been searching for someone for a few months now.  Apparently they don’t know how to pick talent or it is a really crappy environment to work in.  This is the place that offers the generous vacation allowance of 1 week.  I can’t see spending the rest of my life at this place but it would be something to get me back on my feet and then if I needed to I could move on.

Yesterday my friend from where I used to work reached out to me for like the millionth time about work crap.  We need to know where this is and we have this problem.  Uh I don’t work there anymore, I was cut off at the knees and therefore so are you.  I never would answer the phone and finally got so tired of the constant text messages that I forwarded my phone to a disconnected number, so she would think that I swapped numbers or forgot to pay the bill.  No text messages today and the calls are still going to the recording.  I will take it off in a couple days.  I hate to burn a bridge on a friendship but it’s clear that she is loyal to the people who are paying her.  I need to move on and not have constant reminders about that place and what is happening.  All of those people could drop dead tomorrow and it would not phase me one bit. 

Speaking of that place still no unemployment.  Unless they are protesting it shouldn’t take this long.  I called today and was told they are working on getting a deputy assigned to my case and I would either receive a letter in the mail or payment would just magically show up in my bank account.  Keep on looking for a job and keep on reporting in.  Yeah, I’m smart enough to know that.  However I can’t take those words to the bank and pay bills with them.

While I am not proud of it, today I applied for Food Stamps.  I mean it’s pretty clear that my expenses outweigh the money I have on hand and within two months I will be completely broke.  I am making the July house payment but that will be the last one unless I get a job.  I’ve alerted my attorney so they know to let the mortgage company know but they won’t do anything until we get closer to the August payment being due, once the word gets out I will surely be setup for foreclosure. 

My life to me feels as if it is spinning out of control.  I can’t get closure over my late partners death because of the mortgage & bankruptcy situation.  Plus I am battling now to get his medical records from his doctor.  I really want to know if his death was because he was confused or because he was diagnosed with something that he didn’t tell me about.  He loved me more than life it’s self and I really don’t think that he left me on purpose.  I would like to have the records to back that up.  Then factor in everything else that has transpired since his death with the mortgage & bankruptcy battle, car accident, looming job loss, worrying about Big Boy dying, My financial worries, Identity Theft, Job Loss … I mean it’s no wonder I feel the way I do.  Since I don’t see the sun shining on me anytime soon, I’d like to at least have someone to talk with about things in greater detail.  This is something that I have thought about for a long time and took steps today to find a therapist.  Now I just hope the person I chose is IN NETWORK and actually calls me back.  I checked my benefits and they are really decent on this.  I view this as another way my late partner is continuing to care for me, even though he is gone.  Being quite serious I can’t kill myself because of the cats.  No one would care for them like I will.  No one knows them like I do.  They are both a blessing and a curse.  I love them so much and in many ways they are the last living tie to my late partner.  I made him a promise and I just can’t go against that.  Killing myself is the only way that I see where there is no more pain or suffering to do.  If there was some place I could take them and they would care for them and keep them together then I would gladly do it and then check out of life. 

My mother and brother both have been calling a lot lately.  They have no idea that I am unemployed.  I told them that work was cutting costs so we had to turn in our cell phones.  That is it.  Letting that cat out of the bag means that I would become my mothers chauffer and I can’t deal with that responsibility nor her.  It would be far too much.  It’s bad enough that I lost my job no sense in compounding the suffering. 

Now it’s on to litter box duty and to finish up the series I want to marry Harry.  I am getting a haircut tomorrow and then on to a job interview on Thursday.  I am not excited about the interview on Thursday because I think they want me to use my car to travel cross country to do their business.  That will not happen, no matter what they are paying me.  If you want me to travel like that, then you supply a vehicle.  I’m fine with local travel but not cross country in my car.  So I don’t think things will work out but I am giving it a go because you just never know where life will take you.  My hope is that the phone starts ringing off the hook tomorrow because of a couple jobs that I applied for today.  The market is still sluggish but I have done pretty well with the # of contacts that I am able to make in a week.  It is getting harder as times goes on.

I hope things are coming up roses for you and that your world is not in such a shambles as mine is.  Talk with you again.  Cheers!