Christmas Eve

 

It sure doesn’t seem like Christmas given the events of this month but also since the pandemic.  One day seems to blend into the next and presto now it’s Christmas.  My first Christmas T-Totally ALONE.  I know it’s got depression written all over it.  The loss of Gator will sting a bit more now that it’s the holidays. 

Growing up as I got older I always enjoyed Christmas Eve more than Christmas it’s self.  I like to exchange gifts and have a nice meal.  Then kind of whatever happened on Christmas happened but the holiday for me was Christmas Eve.  Yankee Candle puts out a most excellent sent with it’s name and I’ve been burning my Christmas Eve scent all week long.  It makes me sneeze but I really am in love with the smell, despite it’s horrible effect on my allergies. 

I hope that your with those that you love, if there is some one you care about but haven’t talked to in a while, rekindle the flame and reconnect.  Life is too short to be angry or hold grudges because the ones you care about can be gone in an instant.  Be that a person or a pet. 

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

The Crazy Lady

I got out yesterday, saw my friends. My automobile had a low battery but I figured the drive would charge it. However, the extreme cold wreaks havoc on batteries and machinery in general. What would be a normal distance to charge it was not enough. I got to my appointment with my therapist, who tried multiple times to talk me out of coming and was begging me to cancel. However, I made her fat ass get out in all of this shitty weather. The roads weren’t bad but the temperatures were low and the wind was blowing the snow all over the place that’s what made it brutal.

My therapy session was anything but normal. This time instead of coming in the backdoor I was told to come into the front door. My therapist gave her phone to a receptionist and I thought I was communicating with my therapist when in fact I was communicating with a receptionist. I wasn’t happy about that. Then we just get started and I am into maybe 5 minutes and she stops the session, has to talk with her receptionist. We get back on track and then she starts telling me all about her dog that passed away. Fuck lady this is therapy for me not for you. Then I got this random information about how the landlord installed a camera on the parking lot so she felt she needed to disclose that. I could give a fuck less. Unless the landlord starts running licenses plates, she won’t know me from Adam and I know I don’t know her. I could care less who knows where I am at. Big Brother is already here we all carry tracking devices with us in the form of cell phones. Towards the end of the session, she tried to get me to take some Christmas candy but I refused. It sure would have been nice if she would have offered me a bottle of water but she sat there drinking away and could careless about me. I didn’t like the way our relationship started and it’s not progressing well. I’ve got one more appointment scheduled with her but right now I am thinking of cancelling and just terminating the relationship since she’s not really doing anything for me. She’s uber paranoid that someone is going to come into her space which is why the doors are locked. As if it’s a military base and there is some super-secret information she is protecting. Short of an armed guard her security is pretty tight and rigid. That’s another reason why I kind of hate going to see her. I’ve been in therapy a few times before and it’s never been like this, she is paranoid that her clients will see each other or heaven forbid say hi to each other. I dug into her background a little bit more and there were some red flags for me. If I go to the 3^rd appointment unless something changes it will be my last appointment. To top it all off I got a message from her secretary that they want my physical address because she just figured out that it’s not on file. I’ve got no plans to tell them where I live, even though I know they want to know in case I should turn suicidal. Law enforcement can find me if they need to but, in my mind, there really is no reason for this crazy lady to know my address, despite the fact that I found where she lives at this morning with just a couple keystrokes and google. Oh, I almost forgot she did stop the session one additional time to focus on her therapy dog who is just an average dog that loves to travel. It’s like my uncle got one and he went everywhere with that dog. I get it but the dog isn’t providing any therapeutic benefit for me.

I’ve been on-line and searched for a different therapist, these seem like the craziest people in the world. Either they have just a photo or there are some who chose to make introductory videos, which really don’t do any of them favors. I think gone are the days of dealing with a sane logical reality-based therapist who for all intents and purposes is a “normal” person that can provide sound advice and guidance. It’s either that or maybe I’ve just flipped my lid and don’t realize it yet. But I seriously doubt it.

I had dinner out as planned, grabbed the mail and then came home. I hooked my car up to a battery charger overnight. The battery was less than 50% when I hooked it up but we got back to 100%. I’ve never left it on a charger overnight but modern cars all of the electronics, some of them run even after the engine is off and well that all takes juice.

I slept horrible last night. I killed sometime this morning before heading out for breakfast. I asked to sit in the cute waiter’s section. I figured I could apply a little pressure to see if he was serious about calling me or if he just said yes to be “nice”. Man, he fucked me really good when it came to the check. Everything was ala carte. I paid damn near $25 for a breakfast that shouldn’t have been more than $19. I did get to watch him walk around so I guess that’s a plus but still he was clothed it’s not like I went to a strip club. I don’t think he will ever call me but I’m still here and for some damn reason holding out a little hope, despite the obvious signs. It would be nice to even make a friend even if we don’t jump into bed or strike up a relationship.

I learned the grocery store is open normal hours on Monday so I will go then. I came home. Just tried to kill time and wait for the sugar effect of breakfast to kick in and put my ass to sleep. After I got in a nap, I went out to grab the mail, top off the tank and then to look at cats. One of the ones I had wanted is gone. There were a few that were very social and one that I felt a pretty strong connection with, she came up to the door and asked me to pet her. I stayed maybe 5 minutes if that. I wasn’t a sobbing mess and can at least look at a cat without completely falling apart. There are 2 kittens that are brothers I see on-line that I have interest in. However, they are kittens and they would get into every damn thing. There is a brother & sister that are bonded and have to be adopted together that I am also interested in. They are adults and I think they would do a good job of keeping each other company as well as being around me when I was home. While I really want to go down this road again, I think about the pain of the loss and the emotional bond that is created, I don’t know that I am quite ready yet. Don’t get me wrong I still wish I had my Gator but it feels odd to start over and make a new commitment. It’s kind of like I’ve got nothing holding me back but at the same time I’ve got nothing. Being completely alone is something that I don’t know that I can get used to. It’s nice on one hand but it sucks on the other hand.

When I got home and opted to stay home for the rest of the day, I hooked my vehicle back up to the charger just to be safe since the temperatures are going to drop again tonight. The charger said my battery was at 48% which I don’t know if that was right or not. I think either I’ve got a bad charger, need a new battery or a new voltage regulator. I made a call to a friend who makes his living working with automobiles and he said probably best to get a new battery. He can’t help me until Tuesday. I might be able to get into a local place on Monday. Not all businesses are closed on Monday.

I’m going to my friends tomorrow evening and I’ve got no reason to believe that the vehicle won’t get me there and back home. I do think once things warm up that the battery issue will probably level out or again, I’ve got a faulty charger. If I can get to the local place on Monday, I think I can at least have them look/test things out. The battery isn’t but a couple years old and it’s kind of uncommon for a battery to fail that new but then again me and my luck, it’s happened before. My late spouse had to buy a new battery every damn year, they all came from AutoZone or Advanced Auto Parts which I don’t think they sell the greatest batteries but he like me had an SUV and as it got older and sat outside all the time it drained both his and my wallets. Mine is in the garage and only 5 years old. His was more like 10 to 15 years old when his big issues hit.

Well, I am working on laundry, need to grab a bite to eat. Then more laundry and I’ll probably attend a church service virtually. No real plans other than I hope to get some quality sleep tonight. Way too much going on in my brain that keeps me awake. I need something a little stronger that has a bigger punch but not so big that it renders me useless and unable to attend Christmas Dinner. Cheers!

Friday

I am eager for noon as that is when my business day will end and I can run away. I plan to go visit some friends for a bit and hang out. Then on to therapy, to grab a bite to eat and then to the post office before heading back home. I hope that it all works out and I have a decent afternoon. It’s something I’ve looked forward to all week long. As long as my vehicle starts, I think I will be okay and I honestly don’t anticipate any problems with that. I’ve got all wheel drive (aka 4-wheel drive) and its full time so there is no turning it off. I don’t anticipate any driving problems. I found my ski mask and I hate wearing that damn thing but if it keeps me warm then so be it.

The winter storm didn’t generate the snow that they thought it would. It’s a dry powder and the wind is whipping it around pretty good. The temperatures did fall and it feel s like I am standing in the artic, it’s sub-zero cold out and that’s dangerous for anyone or anything to be out in. I kept an extra eye out last night for any paw prints in the snow but saw none. Which I suppose was a good thing. My poor furnace kept running most of the night. The power company will love that. There was a power blip late in the evening and the news indicated the threat of some folks being without power thankfully I wasn’t one of those people and my good fortune to maintain power will continue as this sub-zero weather moves through my part of the country. We will slowly warm up but it won’t be until next time this week when temperatures will be more normal.

I was supposed to get an Amazon delivery yesterday but they kept pushing it off. By the time I was headed for bed I pretty well knew it wasn’t coming, which was fine. It should be delivered today. That will be the end of my Amazon deliveries before the holidays.

I am slowly getting used to Gator’s absence around here. I like the independence in not having to worry about her but I really still miss her sounding off and wow I said she doubled as a portable heater last night we would have been snuggled up together because she would have hated this.

Despite the furnace running the house was still cold when I woke up. My room was nice and warm thanks to closing the door and my electric blanket was turned up last night so I was toasty warm. Still, I didn’t sleep all that soundly and I’ve got quite a number of muscle knots in my back. I would love to take a muscle relaxer but since I need to be up to hit up the grocery store tomorrow, I don’t dare do that now. I would love a massage. I’ve watched a few chiropractic videos and that always makes me want a massage coupled with the fact it was about this time last year when I last had one. I know I’ve got the power to change that. I will work through the pain and if I can’t well then, I will break down and schedule one. I’ve never been to a chiropractor but there is something that seems so satisfying about hearing those cracks that I almost want to try it. From what I understand it’s temporary relief kind of like a massage but it costs way more but at least it’s covered under insurance.

Speaking of Insurance, I see that my new prescription card is waiting for me at the post office which is why I am stopping by, I’ve been expecting that since last month. They took their damn sweet ass time in getting it to me. Nothing like waiting until the 11^th hour. I suppose better late than never.

I am still looking at cats but making a move to get one or two is just not in me. I really want to but call me gun shy or nervous. Everyone says I will know when it’s time. I’d honestly rather try out a boyfriend and not a live in one but one that is close by. Having a human friend is a bit more appealing to me at the moment. I am not quite as bad as I was this time last week but the pain is still fresh and I still experience the hurt. Granted I’ve had less people to talk with her about this week and been more hyper focused on work. Therapy today should be interesting.

Hope that you all stay warm and are doing well. Talk with you all again soon.

Back Home

I was correct the shipment was Gator’s cremains. I was pretty quick to get to the door and signed for the package. I opened it up and I wanted more engraved on the face of the box she is in. I’m sure that I probably didn’t make that clear at the time I made arrangements, I was a mess. I’m not going to make a big deal about it. The box is the same as the rest of her families. Instead of a brass plaque they actually engraved the box itself. It looks much nicer. I took it better than I thought I would. I placed her with her family and now the set is complete.

Once again, I always knew this day would come but I never expected it to be a sudden on set thing and just in a matter of days she slipped away from me. While I know we had 18 years together, the one thing that is fortunate (not exactly sure if these are the right words) but that my spouse passed before any of the cats did. He would have been a mess and anyone of them would have been enough to send him over the edge. He’s the one who pointed out to me that Gator had a permeant smile on her face. It was just the way her jaw line was formed. That was something I never noticed but ever since he pointed it out, I saw it each time I looked at her.

I continue to look virtually at cats. The brothers that look alike are still available. There was one female I had an interest in but she sadly was adopted pretty fast. I saw another female and read her bio; she is paired with her brother so if you adopt one you have to take both. Companionship and having a friend is nice. I think two might just be the right number but the younger they are the more of a handful they will be. I am NOT ready yet but I will say that the loneliness is starting to get to me. While I don’t want another one really because it will result in parting ways again in the long term. I just don’t want to go through the pain again of burying anything or anyone. I do think that I will probably give in and break down and get at least another one despite not really wanting one.

In other news, I was able to sneak off and grab a quick nap. That was nice but of course the damn phone woke me up. I grabbed a quick sandwich and soda, gobbled that down and came back to work. There were a couple things pending and I got caught up. Now it’s back to boring but the thing is I don’t know if it will stay this way or if something will pop. Part of the fun is staying tuned.

The snow storm has moved in and from what I hear on the scanner it’s a light blowing snow. This was quite delayed from when it was predicted it would hit. It should be over with by the time I am ready to go to bed. The dangerous part is that the temperatures will drop into the negative numbers and honestly, it’s been a damn long time since it’s been that cold here. Gator for sure would hate this and I could have probably talked her into joining me under a cover or two. I have to gather and take out the damn trash which will suck. I am however eager for tomorrow when I can break away from here and hopefully spend some away time, hopefully the roads will be plowed and treated so things won’t be so bad, the only thing I think I will need to watch out for is the wind chill. I’ve got to dig out my ski mask. That should scare the crap out of my therapist tomorrow if that appointment comes to fruition.

I finished off the left-over casserole last night. Not exactly sure what I will eat tonight. Food isn’t exactly high on my list; I am just going through the motions. I still have somehow managed to gain weight. I guess it’s all of the cortisol and adrenaline. I am extremely unhappy with the way my body looks. I took some nudes at the hotel just to see how bad things really are. Damn it’s so not good. The photos are scheduled to delete not something I really want to have laying around. I wish that I could loose 50 to 75 pounds, that takes some serious motivation and of course the one thing I am allergic to exercise. Still, I know I would be happier with my self-image and it may even help me get a man. Not to mention that I probably would also feel much better. Right now, I look so old carrying all of the extra weight, at least to myself but other people still tell me that I look young. People think I am 42 or 43 when I am really 51. I guess that it’s just my viewpoint since I’ve been trapped in this body all my life.

Well work is calling again so I guess I had my play time. Hope that your well, warm and doing better than I am. I’m over the initial loss but still in a state of shock and depression. But over all doing better than I have been in days past. Still can’t bare to make any changes around here and I am not pushing myself either. Just right now trying to make it through this week. Cheers for now!

Watchful Eye

Hello there. Even when I am not on-call I still watch my phone in off hours, you never know what is going on. Granted most of the time it’s just nonsense alerts/alarms we get that can be ignored. Last night was not one of those nights. The guy that is on-call despite being sick decided it was a good idea to go outside and shovel snow. He’s older and that sent his heart rate sky high so he went to the ER and needed coverage. At that point we had 2 items that had already been waiting for someone to address. I took the helm and bailed him out. I watched for other stuff that might have come in until I climbed in bed and then I stopped caring. I was Hella tired last night.

I didn’t sleep but a couple hours and then I woke up. I couldn’t help thinking that my little boss would have wanted some food and been a little upset that I wasn’t asleep. It was just another way that I felt her absence. I didn’t stay up but I think maybe an hour and then I was able to fall back asleep. Sadly, I woke up again but just turned over and went back to sleep. Everything was going just fine and then at 5:30a I got a phone call which woke me up. It was work calling to tell me that we should all work from home today. Fuck that made me angry because at that point I couldn’t go back to sleep. A swift jolt and I am done for a couple hours before I can sleep again. Of course, just as it was time to get moving is when I wanted to go back to bed. Despite not wanting to, I kept moving forward and here I sit in front of the computer struggling to stay awake.

Most of our offices are closed today due to the Winter Storm that is moving across the Midwest. Most people work from home towards the end of the week but I guess to cover their asses they sent out the alert. Well, I fixed them, that damn thing will NEVER EVER wake me up early again. For the first time in my life, I Paid for a ring tone instead of trying to make one on my own. I got a Silent Ringtone and turned off vibration alerts for the contact. Now I will just wake up and see a message on my phone. If I was going in I get up an hour early to allow time to prepare and travel. Years ago, we closed due to a water main break and the alerts didn’t go out until 8:00a at that point I was well over ½ way to the office and driving I couldn’t look at my phone (back then they only sent text messages). By the time I got the message I was in the parking lot and turning around to go back home. Back then I was hourly and couldn’t work from home plus I was in a different position. It was an easy day off but then something went wrong and I wound up having to go in. They paid me for my time and for mileage both ways. That was a super profitable day.

Speaking of work there isn’t much going on today, it’s a quiet day for the most part. No meetings and I’ve taken care of all of my tasks for the day. It’s just being on standby in case something happens. A couple days before a holiday weekend I doubt seriously that much will come up but hey I don’t have a Crystal Ball. I am waiting for the delivery driver to ring the doorbell to find out if I am right about the package that is being delivered today.

I am listening to the police scanner as I do on most mornings. It’s kind of extra busy with the storm coming in. The initial prediction we got was 2 to 4 inches and now they are saying 1 to 3 inches. There is ice with this storm and that is the part that really no one likes. That’s the element that causes a good portion of the accidents. I’m still taking tomorrow afternoon off it will be a judgement call if I leave to visit friends before my therapy appointment or if I just lounge and hit up therapy. I fully expect the therapist to cancel. If things aren’t horrible out which I don’t fully expect they will be that bad I do plan to grab some dinner out. Chicken & Dumplings sounds really good! Sitting next to a fire staying warm and drinking a soda.

I still have plans to get out on Saturday morning to hit up breakfast and the grocery store. I know that it will be bitterly cold with negative temperatures. I may skip breakfast out but the grocery store is a MUST because they are closing early due to the holiday.

Looking forward to what I hope will be a diversion from not only the daily boring hum drum but also from the recent event of losing Gator and grieving. I’ll probably make another entry today but if not then for sure plan on something tomorrow morning.

Stay warm and be well.

Shipment Notification

I received an email from a shipping carrier and it indicates that I am getting a package tomorrow, a signature is required. Based on the shippers name I did some quick googling and it appears to be a local crematorium. I think Gator is coming home. If it’s not that then I have no idea what in the world I am getting. Normally cremains are sent to the vet and then they call me, no one told me that anything had changed at the time I parted ways with her. It’s kind of bad timing because we have a Wicked Storm coming our way and tomorrow the roads will be horrible or so the media is saying. I hope that if this is Gator that she arrives home tomorrow. I checked my calendar at work and there isn’t much going on, since a signature is required, the driver should ring the doorbell. I will be anxiously waiting. The place is close enough if they called, I could just drive there today, I would kind of much prefer that to taking a chance in placing cremains into any shipping stream regardless of the carrier. It’s a loved one and it’s the most important package ever. I’m sure cremains are shipped all the time but that doesn’t comfort me any.

Presuming again that this will be her, I don’t think I am going to take it very well but then again, I might surprise myself. The sooner the driver gets here the better so the mystery will be removed. I’ve been wondering when the vet is going to call but thus far haven’t heard anything. I’m sure if their provider sends the cremains to me that will screw things up on their end but I honestly don’t care, just get me what’s left of my little girl.

It's a boring ass day otherwise. I did take a nap and the phone spazzed out on me, just as I figured. I need a phone that doesn’t have eyes in it. I went to a dumb meeting where the boss blabbered on with much to do about nothing and it was a complete waste of time. I’ve got my monthly check in with him that is coming up and I am sure that he won’t have much for me, likewise. Another dumb ass phone call that is nothing more than a waste of time. I’d sooner do most anything else. My co-worker that I broke the ice with earlier in the week, hasn’t been chatting me up. He is flying low. I did call him because I had a question, we kept the conversation focused on business and once he answered my question we were done. There is no doubt that things changed between us, I still don’t get why he didn’t just push his feelings aside and at least do the minimum of sending a quick note to say sorry for your loss. I’m still waiting for him to utter those words and honestly, I don’t think it will happen.

That’s about it. I’ve got the final bit of data (porn) copying here on my machine from one drive to another. Once everything has been moved, I plan to format the old drive and see if it stops randomly disappearing, I will probably also change the drive letter but don’t know if that will help. If I can solve this problem then I’ve got another drive to use and plenty of space. It’s a trustworthy drive it’s just annoying as fuck to sit down to watch something upstairs and it won’t play only to find out that it’s because the drive mapping was lost.

Stay warm, I am waiting for this dumb phone call. Then the day will soon be over and I can go watch TV and will probably involuntarily fall asleep. My muscle ache and I am beyond exhausted. Take care.

Wednesday already

On Monday afternoon I put the word out at work about Gator’s passing to a few select people. The responses I have received were so kind and comforting. One person took time to call and I’m enhancing but summarizing what he said. Most breeders don’t get how gay people cherish their animals because they become part of the family. They all want to take time off to have kids but yet we have no rights if something happens to one of our pets. They say it’s not the same as a human child but in fact for most gay pet owners, yes, it is. Funny thing is that I never came out to him and then he told me how he found out. It was from an old female co-worker and I had no idea that she was a blabber mouth. That really didn’t set well with me but he’s gay as well and so we have something in common. However, he’s got a partner. We both have also experienced a lot of loss in recent years and he said that you never get over it. I’ll agree with that to some degree it becomes more part of everyday life and you just get used to it and become a little bit numb.

I felt it was time to help mend my heart and I wrote a goodbye letter to Gator. It’s not for publication but I’ve done this with pets ever since that exercise helped me get over the loss of my partner. It does help but it sure brings on the tears. Once again, I thought I was done crying but I turned in to a soppy mess. There is no shame in crying but I really don’t like to break down in public or around most people. Hey if it happens then I am not going to fight it. Marines cry alone and while I would have loved to be a Marine fact is I am not.

In other news there is a storm of snow coming and it has the potential to generate ice. They are saying if you don’t have to get out Thursday, Friday and even part of Saturday then don’t. Well Friday I’ve got plans made to go visit some friends, they don’t know I am coming but as long as it’s not horrible I plan to get out. Plus, there is my therapy appointment of which I got a reminder today as well as special instructions due to the weather. It kind of feels like you’re walking into a Prison or a Government facility they have so many special steps you have to follow. They don’t want you walking to the door they prefer you wait in your car. Well trust me if it’s as cold as it’s supposed to be I for sure will be waiting in my car with my seat warmer on high to keep my buns warned. Saturday, I want to grab breakfast out and then hit up the grocery store since they will be closing early. I don’t suspect that traffic will be a huge problem but then again you never know because lots of people like to procrastinate. It sounds like we have a White Christmas but I don’t want to be buried in snow. The problem won’t be the snow but the single digit cold temperatures. As if this isn’t enough fun there is more snow in the forecast for Monday. Given the impending doom of weather that is coming I kind of think it would be prudent to cancel my appointment but I’m not doing that just yet. The therapist requires 48 hours’ notice or there is a fee to pay. I kind of think that the therapist might get cold feet and she might cancel. If that happens there isn’t much, I can do about it but at the moment the appointment is still on and I do plan to keep it. I’ve got 4-wheel drive and know how to drive in bad weather so unless things will have to be pretty bad if I say I am not going.

I can’t believe it’s already Wednesday. I am kind of over working and I am ready to get out and get away from home. There isn’t much going on and I’ve done a good job on playing catchup and sorting things out. I took care of a couple final tasks this morning and I am just really lonely and feeling the emptiness of having an empty nest.

I looked at the stages of grief last night, it’s been a while and it’s honestly not something that I want to commit to memory. Depending on what link you use there are either 5 or 7 stages. I am still in some shock and the depression stages and with that brings some pain. I’ve dealt with most of the other stages and skipped a couple. There is no denial, she is gone and sadly the only way she is coming back home is in a box which will take a bit but hopefully by the New Year. It’s not like I wanted or needed to add another box but I knew that some day it would happen.

Yesterday I got all but 1 of the calendars I ordered. There are some good-looking men to stare at next year and I look forward to that. I believe the last of the calendars will be arriving today. That’s about it at the moment. I am really tired so I think I am going to try to sneak in a nap, hopefully the phone doesn’t go berserk on me and I can catch a little bit of sleep before I have to stumble back down. I didn’t sleep the best last night and took some extra medicine so it’s no wonder I am tired. Plus, I had some sugar for breakfast and that can’t have helped any.

Stay warm and if I think of something I will be back. Take care.

Hey Good Looking

 

Ice Breaker

My co-worker called me pretty late last night, I honestly didn’t think he would call. He said that he has a tough time processing grief and his way to deal with it is to ignore it. He felt bad and apologized but didn’t really express much sympathy for my loss. I reminded him that since he started, we have gone through this a total of 3 times prior to this. First was Momma and then Marvin and then one of his dogs. He was there for me with my two losses and I was there for him with his loss and no surprise I did more for him and his wife than he’s done for me, not that I am keeping score or expecting payback. I was just looking for a little sympathy. He said that he liked the email that I sent it was well written and that I am for sure a “writer”. I’ve heard that one before. I am a published author. In short, he was embarrassed and didn’t blame me one bit for being upset with him. This for sure is an alarm bell and if I continue to ignore it then I will for sure get hurt again. There still is a rough patch and I don’t know that things will ever quite be the same. His reaction is kind of unforgivable. I of course had to try to make him feel guilty and told him that if he wasn’t such an ass that my plan all along was to drive to meet him. He started saying well let’s make that happen, he’s said shit like that before. I told him right now it’s too cold and the wrong time of year to meet up. Plus, if I saw him, I’d for sure kick him in the nuts at a minimum. I don’t know if our paths will ever cross in person but I am not pushing for that to happen. I’ve done a lot for this guy both personally and professionally and he owes me, problem is I will probably never ever be able to collect. It was a shitty investment for me to make. People can suck in all the wrong ways sometimes.

I’m not on-call but I got a work call last night as well. I was able to grab my new laptop and came to someone’s rescue all from the comfort of my bedroom. I think my laptop is faster than the one work purchased for me, I know the screen is much bigger and that helps me since my vision has decided to change ever since I turned 40. Funny thing is I always wanted glasses and now that I have them, I wish I didn’t need them. Kind of like when your younger you want to be older and when your older you want to be younger. Just never truly ever happy!

I had to pry myself away from my work last night I was still working and it was 6p, I had been sitting in the same chair since 7a. That makes for a long day. I am going to try not to do the same thing tonight but sometimes you just want to do one more thing and that leads to another and another pretty soon you find yourself with more time having gone by than you originally intended. With out my furry boss/alarm clock I’ve got no reminders and no true incentive to step away. This whole thing will be quite an adjustment.

Since I made it through day 1, I really want to call it quits now for the rest of the week. It’s really getting to me today. I didn’t sleep that well last night and I am tired today, kind of like ready for a nap. Breakfast didn’t set the best with me but it’s probably because I opted to drink afterwards as if I was going to the office when in fact, I am comfy in the basement again. It’s too cold outside to venture to some crummy office building. Snow is on the way for Thursday and that will make getting out on Friday fun. Hopefully, things aren’t horrible so that I can get to visit my friends and my therapist doesn’t cancel on me but anything is possible.

I’ve gotten a couple emails from Amazon and my calendars were scheduled to come tomorrow are arriving today. Some other items that I thought would ship by Amazon shipped by the post office so it could be anyone’s guess when they will arrive.

Well, it’s still pretty busy at work so I guess I will get back to it. Just wanted to take a quick break. Stay warm and be well.

Quick Update

Things have continued to spiral into what I consider to be an out of control situation at work with my co-worker who seems to be a prick at the moment.  I’m tired of making assumptions based on his actions or in actions.  I am also very hurt.  I get that some people don’t like to talk about death much less anything down or depressing.  However, it’s time for a meeting.  I called him and he said he was busy but would call me tonight, I told him I would be here if he wanted to call back.  That is as much of an olive branch I am going to extend for now. 

I need to know where I stand and why things suddenly went awry with what I thought was quite a great friendship/working relationship.  Regardless of what he says my guard is and will still be up but I’d like to clear the air if he will give me a chance. 

Stay tuned.

Oh Brother!

This whole back to work thing was much harder than I thought it would be.  I had problems sleeping, woke up early enough that if I really wanted to I could have made it to the office.  However, it was like 20 degrees outside and there was no way I was going out in that.  In fact this entire week I heard is going to be colder than it has been since 1990.  I remember that fun Winter and honestly do not see myself getting out until it’s necessary. 

Lots of people are off this week so a lot of the bullshit is tampered down a bit but hey were only on Monday and I am cleaning up from last week.  I came back to a very full inbox of 668 messages plus 5 items in my voice mailbox, most thankfully were just missed call notifications.  I don’t know how I managed to do it but I have torn through all of the email.  I am playing catchup with people that are leaving at the end of the year which is always a bit hellish. 

I told my team that I am only working a 1/2 day on Friday as I have an appointment.  It’s for my 2nd therapy appointment but I decided that I am going to visit my friends that I spent most of last week with, just for a couple hours and then it will be time to head back to therapy and I might grab a bite to eat while I am out.  I had planned to visit them on Saturday but they could be closed I wanted to make and take some time to go see them. 

Hard to believe but last week at this time I was spending my final moments with Gator.  I can’t believe that it’s already been 1 week – a very long week but nevertheless 1 week.  I was such a wreck last week and I’ve come a long way.  I honestly thought I was done with crying but I had drafted a note to send to some co-workers because a few of them always asked about the cats and I wanted to let them know.  I did some last minute editing and it just struck me wrong and the waterworks turned on again.  I didn’t want to send the note to my one co-worker who turned out to be an ass but I figured someone would probably forward it to him so might as well include him.  No surprise I’ve gotten several responses but nothing from that asshole.  Not even a simple I’m sorry for your loss.  How much fucking work does it take to say that?  It’s like a knee jerk reaction for most people.  I hate that I found out this late that he’s an asshole but nothing like a crisis for peoples true colors to show through.  Funny thing is that he was there for me with Momma and Marvin so I don’t get why he changed but that’s not for me to figure out.  I’m done with him.  I’ll work with him because I have no choice but it doesn’t mean I have to like him.  I’m a pretty transparent person once we establish a connection and his being an asshole adds to my hurt but I don’t think he gets it.  Today’s youth sucks and not in a good way, just my opinion. 

I am not really taking lunch and of course I’ve got no alarm clock to meow at me that I am working too much, time for a break.  I just glance down at the clock and can’t believe how far into the day we have gotten since I plopped down here at 7a this morning.  The days tend to pass by rather quickly when I am working. 

No surprise I went virtually looking at cats as well as dogs.  There are a limited number of cats but there seems to be an endless supply of dogs.  I found a cute older English Bulldog that just screamed my name but his age is against him and I’d be setting myself up for medical bills as well as the whole loss things so I’m not going there.  I think English Bulldogs are cute and I’ve always wanted one but I hear they don’t live long and they tend to have health issues.  Part of me kind of wants to get a cat before Christmas just so I am not all alone but I am being true to myself and just letting things play out.  I know I need a break despite not wanting to take one.  Kind of like how I just start working and never want to stop. 

On a positive note my shoulder seems to be getting better.  Figures I wasted all that time in the ER and ran up an expensive bill for nothing.  At least I got peace of mind nothing was broken, torn or out of place.  Shame they didn’t bring in a physical therapist to give me a massage, I could really use one of those.  I am a knot factory and it probably has something to do with my sedentary lifestyle.  I am slowly killing myself just doing my job.  One thing I’ve learned in this job more than once is when something happens to me, my employer is T-Totally fucked.  Just a week away and I have all kinds of messes to clean up.  It was the same thing earlier this year but I was gone for a couple months so the messes were greater.  I hate that part of my job which is kind of why I always dread going back. 

I hope that your warm and having a great Monday this week before Christmas.  Next Monday will be a holiday for me so I can do whatever.  I long for down time and time when I know my phone won’t ring from work.  I want it to ring but work seems to be the only caller.  I need to work on changing that.  Need some friends calling me and maybe a man or two!  Cheers for now.

Productive Sunday

I did manage to clean up my desk, get filing done and get my new laptop loaded with the programs that I wanted. Apparently newer laptops have some kind of incredible battery. I can run this for hours from the estimates that I see. The same is true for my work laptop. There was a lot to sift through and I have found that my mind still wonders and things that should be obvious to me aren’t and things that I would normally do I either don’t do or I catch myself and then debate if I did what I needed to or not. Stress really does a number on me and honestly, I am slightly afraid of work tomorrow but I know that going back is the right move. If I encounter problems, I can always take time and step away. I kind of expect that the day will start off with me being rusty but things will fall into place pretty quickly.

I took time this morning to attend a church service via the web. It’s a Methodist Church and they publicly state that everyone is welcome, they are catering to the LGBT community. I know they do work with youth. I am having an internal debate about potentially volunteering with them. However, I look at more of the bad or things that could go wrong and that is what is what will probably keep me away. I guess I am too much in my own head. This could be a way to meet people, network and who knows maybe meet a guy.

I also found that one of the porn sites I subscribe to had a holiday sale so I renewed my subscription, so I am good for another year. I don’t ever for see that I will lose interest in porn. It’s just something that really appeals to me and there are always good-looking guys and new models start all the time. I like to keep up on what is going on in the industry as it pertains to Gay porn. Perhaps I am a little too invested but it’s just part of me. The last thing on my mind was porn this past week but I am glad that I became horny again and I have had that feeling a couple times today. I guess I am still alive after all.

Speaking of horny I finally placed an Amazon order and got my 3 Adult Gay Calendars. For the first time in a very long time this will be a year when I do not have a Railroad calendar at work. The supply chain has that item on backorder and there is no date for availability. Instead, I will have a different calendar that appears to have some great photos in it. I updated my Subscribe & Save items to remove the probiotic that I was giving Gator. Oddly enough I have an unopened package and they won’t take it back but they gave me the option of talking to Customer Service. I kind of think that I could talk them into a refund but it’s like $30 something dollars. I can easily donate it either to a friend, shelter or take it to the vet and donate it to someone that is less fortunate. It’s just actually taking that step.

I’ve stayed home all day since I got home from my morning running. I kind of thought that I would give in and go back out. I could go over to a friend’s house for Sunday Supper (it’s an open invite) and that is really tempting. I probably will do that at some point in the future. I had the Chicken, Pasta and Broccoli with cheddar cheese casserole from Stouffer’s. I finished that large piece of Chocolate Cake that I had as take out from my meal on Wednesday. Loaded up the fridge with soda, lots of soda. Even stocked the fridge downstairs. I did my setup for breakfast. I wanted to get food out for Gator and caught myself. It just feels so odd.

Kind of like when I lost her brother, I didn’t realize all of the things that I did for him and it took me a while to adjust. I had food out, had to get medication ready, make sure the fountain was full, make sure that I had an ample supply of water on hand for her. Then there was all of the stepping and fetching. I can’t sit on the love seat or even in the living room because that is where we spent the bulk of our time. She demanded it and I didn’t fight her. The bigger and better TV is in the living room and I will use it when I turn the news on in the morning but otherwise, I don’t know that I will use it much, at least for a while. Instead, I am tucked away in my room and I think this is where I will spend the bulk of my time when I am not in my office when I am at home.

I always said that I stayed home for Gator and if anything happened to her, I would probably be back in the office much more. Now that push has come to shove I really don’t’ see me spending a whole lot more time in the office. I am considering going in on Tuesday but I am not highly motivated and think I will more than likely I will spend the week at home. I’ve got plans to get out on Saturday morning for sure grab breakfast, do grocery shopping and then going to try to see some friends for a bit.

I did finally get the laundry put away and even managed to do a small load of whites and that too is put away. I switched my wardrobe from short sleeves to long sleeves. I hate doing that I much prefer short sleeves but the weather is much, much colder. So, it’s more of a requirement to be able to stay warm and comfortable regardless of where I am. I’ve been so cold for the bulk of the week and it’s been tough to get warm. One thing that I can say for sure is that the seat warmer in my vehicle gets really hot and you can get some hot buns. My only regret is that the steering wheel is not heated.

I am slightly bored and just looking for something to do. I need to get up and shave. Then shower, go through my shutdown process and make the bed. Then wait for the drugs to kick in so that I drift off to sleep. That is all about an hour away. I hope that I do actually sleep. I’ve been drop dead tired a few times today and I think that this whole grief thing is hitting my body pretty hard in addition to the mental aspect. No one has reached out today to check on me and it’s my first whole day alone all week. Kind of scary but then again, I am a big boy.

I did take some time and looked at cats that are available for adoption on the web. I found a few that were of interest. I will probably look for a while and who knows I might do something rash but I do want to give myself space and time alone. I’d like to take some time to travel but going any place by yourself isn’t exactly fun. However, I did enjoy seeing new roads and places on my trip to the hotel earlier this week. That was partially fun but the first time I had been in a hotel room for pleasure in a very long time. Last time I was in a hotel was when I traveled for business. I had planned to travel to meet a co-worker that I mistook as a friend, he proved to me through this that he truly isn’t a friend and is only interested in me when I can be of benefit to him. It was a trip that I had looked forward to but thank God I found out the truth before I made a horrible mistake. Problem is that I invested in him and he knows way too much about me. Now I am going to turn that off and it will be difficult because we used to talk for hours on end in the course of any given work day. It will be in many ways mourning the loss of what I thought I had which is difficult in itself. Look I get I’ve been dealing with death and it’s depressing but damn if you can’t be there for someone in there hour of need then in my eyes you really aren’t a friend. All I wanted was a phone call and he promised to call me and when I asked if he forgot me, he had all of these excuses that instead of typing a message out it would have been far easier to pick up the phone and call me but he was “too busy” an hoped that I was “doing okay”. Fuck I was losing my baby of course I was not okay. I never messaged back. I hate plastic people, be authentic and be honest and up front. I might not be happy but better to know up front than make an investment and get hurt feelings.

Not exactly sure what tomorrow will bring and I seriously doubt if I will have much time to myself during the work day. After what I think will be a hellish day, I don’t know that I will want to hang around a computer in my free time but then again you never know.

Thanks again for stopping by and your readership. Stay warm and take care.

Very Expensive & Emotional Week

I’ve spent the bulk of the week hanging out at a local business in town and chatting with the owners and their staff. It helped keep me busy and away from home. I talked a bit about Gator. I know that I was a HUGE pain in their ass but I didn’t prevent or hinder their ability to conduct business and there were frequent interruptions. Work always has a way to come calling, regardless of what you do.

It was refreshing for me not to have to think about work and no one has reached out. My initial plan was to take M-W but I figured what the hell, 18 years is a long time and this is quite a profound loss in my life. Might as well take 2 additional days. So, I was out all week plus last Thursday & Friday which were scheduled in advance for me to see the doctor and have a bit of an extended weekend. I’ve still got a week and a couple days left and once the new year starts, I will begin to accrue more time.

When it comes to alcohol, I normally maybe drink 1 or 2 Pina Colada’s per year. This week I have had 2. I would like many more! I’ve spent money eating out for breakfast and dinner. One day I had lunch out but mostly I have skipped lunch all week long. My body would normally rebel and my sugar would seriously drop so I would have to eat something but not this week. I’ve deprived myself from going to the bathroom and just holding it. I really don’t care about anything.

My sexual desire has been greatly diminished for weeks now. I got the desire on back on Wednesday (I think). I watched some porn. Not to brag or gross you out but damn I shot the biggest load of my life. It was like a rocket and I’ve never in my life seen a load like that exit my body. Yeah, it felt good. I figure that things are starting to normalize. I do get pretty horny still, but I right now I don’t always act on those feelings.

I booked a trip for Thursday at a local hotel about an hour away. I had a suite with a jet tub (Jacuzzi but it wasn’t official branding). Prior to leaving town for the trip, I bought a laptop. What I wanted was out of stock and they could order it but that would take a couple extra days. I wanted a computer to take with me and didn’t want to lug along my work laptop. Primarily for security issues, if the damn thing got stolen or lost it wouldn’t be a good look for me. I do NOT like Windows 11 but that is what ships on all new machines. I played with it when I got to the hotel and got it setup. It looked neat but some of the things that I can do in Windows 10 I couldn’t do in Windows 11.

When I woke up, I was horny and normally I don’t wake up with sex on the brain since I have gotten older. It was quite common when I was younger. I used that laptop to remote in to my home computer and I watched some porn from bed and had some fun. Great way to start the day. Again it gave me a sense that things were normalizing.

I haven’t had a massage in a year and figured that the jet tub would help me. Yeah, I actually fell into the tub and landed on my shoulder. It’s sore beyond belief but otherwise I am fine other than being a bit shaken and pissed off. The room in general was okay. The trip overall was nice but I didn’t quite get the escape I had hoped I was going to. It was overpriced but on-sale. I got the room for $249 but normally it’s like $500. I could have stayed 2 nights but after they add on fees and taxes it would have worked out to be ½ of my mortgage payment and I figured might as well come home. I was super disappointed they didn’t have a restaurant on-site so there was no room service. I thought I would order that for the 1^st time in my life but no such luck. I walked to a local Italian place that was recommended, they were super snooty and way overpriced. I’ve been fucked multiple times this week and each time is not enjoyable and there has been no lube. Yes, I am speaking metaphorically but I kind of figured that life would throw me a break, given the circumstances. If it wasn’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all.

I’ve made arrangements through my EAP to see a therapist and my first session was yesterday. The therapist is a bit of a ditz, she doesn’t pay close enough attention and she asks questions that were already answered if she would just listen. Based on our initial meeting I like her somewhat. It sounds like she has some different approaches to dealing with grief than what I have been through before. She tells me that I will get to the angry stage, yeah, I think I’ve kind of already been there. My employer will pay for a few visits so this won’t be something long term because she doesn’t take my insurance. Honestly if I think I still need to talk to someone I can always find a therapist on my own it’s just making time to see them and re-telling my story which does tend to get old after a while.

My dumb brother checked up on me, much to my surprise he was the last person I expected to hear from and don’t know that he will continue to follow up. We had a super short text message exchange. My thanksgiving friends have yet to follow up since I met up for lunch on Monday and I had to push to make that lunch happen, I almost didn’t have a place to land which was frustrating. So far as I know were still on for Christmas.

I’ve got mail all piled up around here and plenty of stuff to take care of, none of which I want to deal with. Today is the first day that I have spent any length of time at home. It’s kind of odd and boy this place is sure super quiet without my noise maker. I keep expecting her to shout out.

It’s been quite the physically and emotionally draining week. My body doesn’t permit me to sleep in much I am usually up by 7 or at the latest 8. Normally in a hotel I sleep like a baby but not in the place I went to. It was noisy and I forgot about that aspect of staying in a hotel. I woke up multiple times.

My shoulder pain got worse so I went to the ER last night. I got to see a helicopter land. I feel really bad for the person and their family that they called it for. You don’t just call for a helicopter unless it’s something uber critical. That’s how my spouse was transferred to a better hospital when he had his 2^nd stroke. I figured I would be in this place for 4 hours. Nope it was only 2. I guess maybe I do have some good luck. Nothing is broken, torn or out of place. I’ve also got the early on set of Arthritis, but that isn’t an emergency. They kicked me out and told me to take OTC pain relivers. My bigger worry is how they will code this so that my insurance pays. I think I may have a fight on my hands. I should have told the hotel that I fell but since it was my fault I didn’t bother.

Tomorrow will be my first day back since all of this unfolded. I am going to try to use today to my benefit and get stuff filed, put away and perhaps take some time to relax. It hit me like a ton of bricks this morning that next weekend is Christmas. I am so not ready. I don’t look forward to playing catchup but at the same time keeping busy might actually help me. My entire life is routine based and if you screw with my routines it messes up my entire day. I’ve got my next therapy session scheduled for Friday so I will get to leave work a bit early (unless I happen to be on-call, which I hope I am not. I was supposed to be on-call last week but that obviously didn’t happen.). Then a 3-day weekend, which I will kind of look forward to. Problem is that I will need to remember to do my grocery shopping on Saturday morning because the stores around here all close in the evening and they won’t be back open until after Christmas.

You may or may not be surprised at this but I went looking at cats yesterday. I managed to run into the Manager of a local Animal Shelter. After hearing my story, she encouraged me to adopt and told me that right now it would only cost me $25 some company is sponsoring adoptions so all of the normal fees are paid for. Yeah, I see the incentive and I kind of would like to bring one of them home but first there are so many of them and being the kind soul, I’d love to take them all home. However, that can’t happen. Secondly, I am still recovering from a loss and know that right now it’s way too soon. I would view a new cat as a replacement instead of a new pet and I just don’t think it would work right now. That’s not fair to the cat or to me. I did have a couple of them standout to me. One of which was a mom who just raised her kittens and they were all adopted out. She is looking for a home and kind of reminds me of My Momma cat. However, she’s not a lap cat and she doesn’t like to be picked up. She will curl up at your feet or sit next to you on the couch and she loves to be petted but other than that it’s kind of hands off. I honestly can’t take burying anyone or anything else right now. It’s just too much to absorb. I may cave and get a cat or possibly two but not right now. I need time for me and to see where I am at when I get through this grief period.

I’ve been with Gator from the moment she was born 18 years and 5 months ago until the day she died. I’d rather go back in time and start to meet her all over again but I know that’s not reality. I can’t just wipe out her memory and get over her passing with the stroke of a pen or a couple days. This is a pretty profound loss, one that I knew eventually would come and it marks the end of an era. She was my last living tie back to the life that I once had, her family and even my spouse. I’m at peace with the decision I made to let her go because it wouldn’t have been fair to her to keep her going just for my benefit. Things would have continued to worsen and I honestly don’t think her appetite would have ever returned so it would have been prolonging the inevitable. I do miss her and I probably will for the rest of my life, but I know that what is so fresh now with time will eventually fade into the background and be minimized. I do believe that I am pretty well done crying over the loss. That got old but I have to let it out, I can’t just hold it all in otherwise that would turn me into a ticking time bomb.

I do plan to eat my feelings this week, I bought all sorts of crap that I know I shouldn’t eat but damn I kind of feel like I earned it. The toughest decision tonight will be what is for dinner. I think I might have an answer but have to double check the fridge. It was nice to eat out all last week but damn that gets expensive really fast. The vet bill is paid for. I just have to pay off my laptop and the trip. The rest of the expenses like food and gas aren’t horrible and I should be able to take care of them without having to tap my savings but it’s still there is if I need it.

Here's hoping it’s a better week for me and a great week for you! Thanks again for your readership, thoughts and comments. It means more to me than you know. Take care!