Off and on today I have been thinking about the young guys who are dealing with being gay. I feel compelled to write this post, so here goes.
Most every gay adult can remember their childhood and how they came to terms with being gay. For some of us it’s easy and others it is the last thing that we want to admit to ourselves.
Not to sound like a song but you were born this way. Your sexuality isn’t a choice and you can’t change it. Presuming that your gay, you can deny it and live a straight lifestyle. However, there will always be something yearning inside of you. You will notice hot guys and look them up and down.
A former co-worker of mine has done exactly what I described above. He’s married and has two kids. He says he loves having sex with his wife. He is very religious and even a minister. Still I could see that he wasn’t happy. I of course was very attracted to him but never let on that I was gay, let alone attracted. I think he figured things out on his own. This is how he chooses to live his life and he thinks he is happy, maybe he is. I just know that it’s hard to keep putting up a façade. He says his wife knows but she doesn’t get it. He never told her that he was gay just that he is attracted to good looking men. He gravitates toward youth and does activities with young men. I know he wants to help them, but I am more than positive he is looking at their bodies and lusting after them.
Now many people will tell you that being gay isn’t normal and it’s a sin, you will burn in hell and God/Jesus hates you. All of that is pure hokum. First, being gay is about as normal as being straight is. Second, God/Jesus created you, if he didn’t want you Gay then you wouldn’t be. Being Gay isn’t a sin. Some of the things that us Gay folks do are sins. However, straight people commit sins as well. No one is perfect here on planet earth!
I remember growing up and knowing inside that I was different but just couldn’t put my finger on what made me different from everyone else. I was in psychotherapy to deal with the pains of growing up and oddly enough my fear of driving. My therapist himself was gay and we got to know each other really well. There was no sex or sexual acts. Just pure conversation. One day out of the blue he told me I think your gay. Wow, that sent me into a tirade. I was very upset at what he said. Why there was no way that I was gay.
I also remember telling my grandma the news. I lived with my Grandparents because my mother wasn’t fit to raise myself and my brother. She was kind of floored. Most every adult I talked to said ah, your just going through growing up. Things may be confusing but it will all sort its self out. Your straight and have nothing to worry about.
Thinking back on things, from the earliest day I can remember saying I don’t like girls. I always thought that. Sure kids say odd things but I meant what I said, I just didn’t like girls. Then there was the playing doctor with other boys. Sure kids do this but when you are in your teenage years, it doesn’t seem all that normal. Then it happened one day I was playing doctor with a friend and he suggested having sex. I didn’t quite understand what he meant but in fact we did engage in sex.
I remember going back to therapy and saying that I had sex. We talked about that and that’s when I realized and admitted to myself yeah I really am Gay. I remember telling the guy I was having sex with that what we were doing was Gay and he said nah, it’s just two dudes messing around. Okay call it what you want but it was Gay Sex.
There were many times when I wanted to end my life because I was so confused. The world seemed to be against me. I had problems at school when it leaked out that I was messing around with other boys. I learned quickly that kids can be cruel and heartless. I can also remember before that happened spotting a boy and just falling in love. At the time I didn’t know what it was but I just knew I had to meet him. I told my friends and worked with a teacher. A meeting was arranged and we were introduced. Holy cow, that just made my day. Nothing happened between us, we just knew who the other guy was. This was in Jr. High and he was older and graduated before the humiliation started. So I can attest that growing up much less growing up gay is difficult.
Today kids have Facebook, Twitter and other Social Media. Cell Phones are something every kid has and rumors, news and gossip can spread quicker than when I was going to school and we had to do it the old fashion way. How? Passing notes of course. Bullies have been around for a very long time. I experienced my fair share of them and even as an adult you run into them once and a while. Some kids make fun of others because you’re an easy target, because they too are confused or having problems.
My therapist always told me that Suicide was a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I heard it often enough that now most every time I hear the word Suicide that phrase pops into my head. Presuming that your able to complete the act, you will no longer be subject to ridicule, humiliation, rumors, bullies and all of the things your dealing with. However, you won’t get to experience what ever technology advances come our way. You won’t get to eat good food and you will miss out on so much. Not to mention think of how devastating life will be for your parents and/or siblings. Everyone means the world to someone, even if you don’t know it. Now think of this someone is going to find your body. Do you really want to inflict that much pain on someone. Sure you think it will be a specific person, but what if something changes that day and someone else finds you. That is an image that is burned into a persons memory and something that one can never forget.
I was always told things will get better as you continue to grow up. I was told College would be a blast and that people would love and accept you for who you were. If they couldn’t do that then they were not friends or people you wanted to associate with. Well, I never went to College. However, I did become an adult and yes I do have a drivers license.
Okay, so Mr. Smarty Pants how did you manage your way through it? I mean my world is crumbling around me and I just can’t take it!
Well I talked to my therapist. I talked with my grandmother. I just talked and that always made me feel better. Maybe not right away but that and a good nights sleep, made the next day better. When you are young (teenage years) what you perceive as your world is really not your world. When you become and adult you will totally understand.
So I said all of that to say this. If you have questions about your sexuality, your dealing with pressure from other kids, you feel like you want to hurt yourself to end the pain. Please talk to a responsible adult. Don’t have anyone? Well your in luck there are plenty of adults and young adults at The Trevor Project that would be more than happy to talk with you. If your in a crisis situation please pick up a phone and dial 866-488-7386 it’s a toll free call and you will find that someone who can help you.
Before I posted this I looked for sites where I could list my blog to specifically help the younger generation. Sadly I couldn’t find any place to list my blog. I’m hopeful that this post is something a young guy who has some questions about his sexuality and/or needs help will stumble upon. For me just knowing that I put this information out on the web, is satisfaction enough that I’ve taken a step to potentially help someone.
That’s is all well and good. I have already accepted that I am gay and now I have questions about coming out. Should I? Who should I tell? What if something goes wrong?
Okay, all of those are good questions. Coming Out is a continual life long process. Sort of like always introducing yourself to new people. It’s something that once you start, you will be repeating it many times in your lifetime. It may always make you nervous, depending upon who you want to tell and why you want to tell them.
Personally for me, that information is on a need to know basis. Meaning if you don’t need to know then I’m not telling you. You can suspect, inquire but I won’t give in. Now what works for me, may not work for you.
The first time I came out was to my grandmother. I can remember being very nervous and telling her things were going to change and never be the same. Well, this is news that once you tell it, you won’t be able to take it back. So my advice is to T H I N K before you act.
So me and grandma were all alone talking and I took a deep breath and told her that I was g-gg-gay. She responded with oh, your just confused and that is part of growing up. I said well I’ve had sex. She responded with WHAT! I said I had sex. She said okay what kind. When I told her that I put a dick in my mouth, I thought she was going to puke. She told me that was nasty. Okay, so that cinched it, she knew I wasn’t kidding around, this was for real. She told me not to ever tell my grandfather, because he would kick me out. Then she wanted to know where this sex business took place. When I told her in my room that was just like I was pulling hair from her body. She was outraged. Then she countered with where was I (meaning her). I said you were home. Holy crap that made it worse. Then there was the guessing the guy. Was it x, y, or z. She guessed most every guy that I had over to the house and even called out the specific name of the guy involved but I never told her. I protected him because I figured that we would probably be separated or at the very least our contact would be supervised and I for one wanted to continue having sex. Grandma wasn’t as much mad as she was just totally surprised.
That experience was nerve wracking to say the least. I was much happier when it was over with, since she accepted me for who I was.
I told my mom and she was okay with it but acted a bit immature telling me that I should always be the TOP. That if I wanted to be the BOTTOM I could use objects on myself. Yeah, uh that’s just messed up. But then again so is my mom.
My brother figured things out. He is straight in case your wondering.
So that is my experience. You have to decide who you want to tell, do it because you want to and not for any other reason. I was encouraged by my therapist to tell my parents (that being grandma and grandpa). I accomplished 1/2 of that. Telling your parents can mean your loved and accepted for who you are OR you could be tossed to the curb. Only you know how and when or if you should come out. Do what your heart tells you and you won’t be wrong. Don’t do it during an argument or to try to get even. If at all possible, DO have the conversation in person. Don’t send it in an e-mail or text message. It’s far too important and you need to know how people take the news. I am no expert and there are way more resources available on-line today than when I was growing up. Heck the internet hadn’t been invented then! In summary you are the best judge of who you or if you should tell. Be prepared because things may or may not go like you plan them. Have a plan in place if things go south. Whether it’s moving, loosing a friend or whatever. The best advice I can give you is to THINK. Rome wasn’t built in a day and you have waited this long to tell them, another day or two won’t hurt anything!
I am only 40 (really) but I have been through so much in my life time. I can tell you that if you decided to come out at work be it at a fast food place or in Corporate America THINK before you act. Many people are fired because of their sexual orientation. I came out at my last job, it was a very slow process but eventually I went against my own beliefs and told one too many people. Next thing you know I got a new boss and he hates queers but he can’t say that. So he sits and waits for the right moment and then presto I got fired. There was a lot that factored into his decision but ultimately it was pure hatred for me and for my sexuality. He just did it the legal way and not knowing any better and needing money I signed away all of my legal rights.
Society as a whole today is much more accepting of the GLBT Community. Gay Marriage on the other hand is a political battle much like abortion, the Civil Rights Movement and many other things that were made in to Federal Cases that were just simple issues. People love to get worked up and tell you that you can’t do something. Well, it may not be during my lifetime but trust me Gay Marriage will happen eventually, the controversy will disappear and it will be just as right as rain. We just have to keep on fighting the good fight.
Not all of Society accepts us, but a small majority does. Look at no more Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, Gay Marriage is legal in some states and in others you can get a Civil Union.
The root of the problem is we are different, people don’t like different and they don’t understand it. They want everyone to be the same. Well bad news, were all created equally but we are different people. Personalities, Fashion Choices, Political Parties, etc. Once everyone understands that we are not all Pedophiles, We don’t want to hump every guy we see and Not all of us engage in Risky behavior. Once all of that is realized then I believe that different will become understood and us Gay folks will be accepted.
I know this is a long post and I am about to wrap it up. I will say it again if your in a Crisis situation, please reach out to an Adult or call The Trevor Project. Being gay is NOT the end of the world. It’s not an easy road but it is a road that I didn’t think I could make it and look at me I’m doing fine, with the exception of needing a job. I am happy to talk with anyone be it a public comment conversation or a private email conversation. You have to reach out to me. I warn you in advance, I am not a trained professional so I don’t and won’t have all of the answers. I can tell you things from my POV and give advice but in the end you have to make the final choice.
Thank you sincerely for reading this. I hope it’s helped at least one person! Good Night one and all. Talk with you peeps later.
