In case your new here

Welcome and thanks for stopping by. In case your new here, I wanted to tell you about me. I’m gay, but you probably figured that out by the title of my blog. I have a witty and also a dry sense of humor. I believe at least some of it was inherited from my late grandmother or so I’d like to think. I am verbose or in simpler terms I like to talk. Sometimes that can get me in trouble and other times it keeps me out of trouble.

I am in my late 40’s, I am out of shape but with a little work that can change. I am a type 2 diabetic and have a lower back injury. I’ve got an ongoing battle with depression, but outside of that I’m well. I prefer the air-conditioned office to working manual labor. I am a masculine guy. My taste in men varies but in general a little bit but not too much muscle, smooth but not overly hairy. I am most definitely an ass man. The smaller the better and of course there is nothing wrong with a bubble butt. I get that there is more to a man than his body and while I can look for hours at beautiful men and obsess at the end of the day, I’m not about the hook up, I am about building a relationship so I don’t have casual sex, ever. It sounds like fun but just not my cup of tea. I love food (hence part of the reason why I am out of shape). Italian, Mexican and American are my favorites. I can be a picky eater. I don’t like exotic things or gourmet food. Give me something classic like a Burrito, Lasagna or a Pork Fritter. Sweets are my downfall. Donuts, Cake, Pie, Ice Cream, Cookies and most any kind of pastry. My childhood neighbors ran a bakery and they were forever giving my family things from their shop. I think that is part of the reason why I just love sugar.

I was together with my spouse (an older man) since I was around 18 or 19 years old. It’s around 25 years total that we were together. While we were together for years, we weren’t married until 4 months before he passed away. He had lots of health problems but as long as he took his medication, he was fine. Long story short he became confused and like me he had a love for sugar. He stopped taking his blood thinner medication for what is estimated to be around 3 months and began consuming Coca-Cola like it was going out of style. He thought he was taking his medicine but in reality, he wasn’t. There were signs and plenty of them but I didn’t realize it until it was far too late. He had a massive 2^nd stroke (the first one happened many years back, after a doctor gave him too much clotting medicine while he was undergoing a surgical procedure). He was on life support and I had to make the decision to remove it because there was no chance for a meaningful recovery and/or a quality life. While it might sound like an overwhelming decision it was actually the easiest thing I have done. Don’t get me wrong it was difficult but we had talked about it and expressed our wishes. We had legal paperwork to back up our decisions so they were in writing. We always thought that he would go first and it’s probably better that way. He was my rock and shield, he taught me a lot of things in the time we were together. Like in any relationship/life there were good & bad times. I wouldn’t be who I am today without having met him.

Once he passed away, I didn’t and still don’t care that much for living. I am going on for one major reason and that is the cats. My hope is that I will meet a guy and fall in love, that will be reason enough to go on and hopefully I will once again find happiness. At the time he [my late spouse] passed away I had a menagerie of 7 cats. 5 of them were family. I took in a pregnant female cat years earlier and she had 2 boys and 2 girls. He named her children (I got to name her) and once you name them, your stuck with them. Say what you will but it’s the truth. I did try to give them away and he claims to have tried but it just didn’t come to pass. Earlier this year I lost Momma that pregnant female I took in 17 years ago. She never, ever for a second forgot that I was her savior. After my spouse passed away, she did a wonderful job looking after me like a mother would and reminding me when it was time to wake up, time to go to bed and of course time to feed her and pay her attention. 1 of her sons and 1 of her daughters are still with me. Her daughter has taken her place, in that she is looking after me, while it’s not the same thing I can easily see the resemblance.

I was raised by my mom’s parents. I had a relationship with my biological mom but never met my biological father, because he chose to disown me. After my grandfather passed away in 1998, we got a house and moved in together. He wanted a brand-new house and I am the one who gave him the idea of just buying one that was on the market. He had a dream to one day live in the subdivision we are in. I am not quite fond of it at all but like any good husband I supported him and his dreams as he supported mine. The place was a few years old but in excellent shape. Once we moved in, we found issues and it quickly earned its name “The Money Pit” yes, just like the movie. It wasn’t nearly as bad as the movie just minor things but it was frustrating. The house is getting old just like it’s occupants and it needs work. I am not a handy man or a mechanic, nor am I a wealthy person. I am barely middle class. I have a few nice things but a large bank account isn’t one of them.

As you can well imagine it felt like my world came to and end when he passed away. We weren’t open about our sexuality. Those people that needed to know, knew but otherwise as a couple we elected to keep it quiet. Once he died, I was all too eager to tell the world as I wanted to do many years earlier. There was hurt from that and he told me that would happen but at least I don’t have to feel like I am hiding. I don’t walk around with a shirt or a bumper sticker and I am not out at work to the company. I have told my boss and a few co-workers. I made the mistake of telling a former co-worker and one day we didn’t get along because she turned into a cunt, then she announced it to the office behind my back. I of course didn’t find out until the damage was done. Sadly, many more people than I want to know, know but it is what it is. I am a private person and don’t like to live in the limelight.

I am not boasting or gloating but I have dealt with a lot of shit in my lifetime and been in plenty of situations where it didn’t look good for me. Somehow things managed to turn around and I survived. There is absolutely no doubt that my late spouse would be nothing short of proud of me and who I am today. Knowing that also helps to keep me pushing on.

I don’t really have any friends. That is a scary thing when you find yourself sick or like now when there is a pandemic. I’ve got a married older couple who I refer to as my thanksgiving friends. They have been by my side from the time he got sick and died but with time our relationship is slowly starting to fizzle or so I feel. I am always calling them; they never call me except when it gets close to thanksgiving. I make reservations and we go out to eat as a matter of carrying on a tradition that me and my late spouse set many years ago. I don’t think that will be the case this year with the pandemic looming, but hey we still have a few months so it’s possible but I don’t have high hopes.

I have been on countless dating websites and apps. I went on 2 dates. One of them was because I agreed to pay upfront. The other guy was poor or claimed to be. The photo he sent me was touched up because in real life he was covered with warts and you could easily tell he was gay because when he spoke, his purse fell out of his mouth. He tried to get me to come back to his place and I know he wanted sex but that didn’t happen. He poured on the pressure for weeks, to the point where I had to be an asshole and just tell him to leave me alone. The second guy well he was younger than me, had wealthy parents and he was more interested in being on his phone than on a date with me. He ended the date abruptly by running out of the restaurant. He just suddenly had to go and said keep in touch. Yeah, we both knew that wasn’t going to happen. Striking up a conversation on an app is difficult at best. You start with a hi how’s it going and get a hello and fine back. Then it’s awkward really quick. I don’t like alcohol and I am not a smoker, which is why you won’t find me at a bar.

COVID has really put a halt on my dating efforts. I found a website called meet up where you can join a group of people who have a common interest, the group meets up in person and that’s how you make friends. There are plenty of LGBT groups and one of them happened to be a foodie’s group which I thought was perfect for me. They decided to still meetup after the initial ban was lifted in our area but that was just too risky for me. I have since dropped out and have plans to rejoin once life returns to a state of normal. I hope that I will be able to meet a guy that way. It’s kind of tough to ignore a person when they are sitting across from you, whereas in digital form it’s really easy to ignore someone.

Speaking of digital form, that leads me to what I do for a living. I am an IT Professional. I started out in support where when someone forgot their password, I would be the person they called or they didn’t know how to work a program or the machine was doing odd things. Yeah that was me, Mr. Fix it to the rescue. I am 100% self-taught. I graduated High School and have 0 college and 0 certifications. Today I am a senior cyber-security analyst protecting a large organization. I am thankful in that anywhere I can get an internet connection I can work. My employer prior to COVID wasn’t terribly receptive to working from home but today the entire organization is working remote. I am really particularly proud of my professional accomplishment. People actually seek me out to ask for help or my opinion, it’s really great. My employer takes care of their people and as of tomorrow I will be there 6 full years and hopefully with many, many more to come.

I’ve got a brother who is one year younger than me. We are polar opposites. He likes girls and manual labor. I like boys and air conditioning. We were brothers when we were younger but that quickly came to an end. We have been estranged. He’s my brother and I have a love for him but every time I get around him something bad happens. He’s more of the white trash type person and that’s not how he was raised but he met a girl and she has smothered him, cutting off all of his friends. I’m convinced she killed our mom but I can’t prove it. I think she is working on killing him next and it’s just best for me if I stay as far away from them as possible. He married her a year ago after they broke up, he just decided one day that he couldn’t live without her and snapped. She is a money grabber and he’s dumb enough to give her all of his money. I feel my blood starting to boil, so I’ll just leave it here.

That’s me in a nutshell. For full disclosure, for my safety Jeremy Ryan is a pen name and not my real name. I knew a long time ago when I started blogging about the dangers of a digital world and like it or not the danger is real. What I write about is stuff that has happened to me. Nothing you read here is made up it’s all 100% the truth and nothing but the truth, with the obvious exception being my name.

A month or so ago I lost a blogger friend who knew my real name, we went through something together. I knew for sure that she was reading my blog each and every day. Outside of that I honestly don’t think an actual human being is reading on a regular basis, hey I could be wrong. I don’t get many comments and that is what lead me to arrive at that conclusion. Recently I found a couple of new blogs and have started posting comments and I think those authors and some of their readers may potentially be reading and I hope that is the case.

I realize this is a bit long winded, but I told you I was a verbose person. I blog for two reasons. One to share what is going on in my life, it’s therapeutic. Two because there might be something, I am going through that someone else can glean knowledge from or that I can help. I get that life in and of its self is difficult, but then throw in your sexuality to the mix and it becomes a bit more complicated. Coming out is a personal decision that you alone have to make. If it’s not safe or you don’t feel comfortable my advice is don’t do it. Once you let the cat out of the bag, that is information that you can’t take back and like it or not people do judge you, even though were in 2020 not everything has changed with the times. We sure have come a long way!

Thank you for stopping by. I do hope that you will return on a regular basis and if you feel so inclined leave a comment. If there is something you want to know ask. If there is a topic, you’d like to see me write about holler. I get that not everyone feels compelled or comfortable to leave a comment. Just so you know privacy is paramount with me. All comments are in moderated mode, meaning I have to approve them before they get published. I have had people in the past say things and let me know they didn’t want it published; I respected their wishes.

While it’s my blog I want everyone that chooses to visit to feel comfortable. I think were all here (on earth) for some purpose. My purpose I feel is to help others. Take care and be well. I’ll talk with you peeps again soon!