Wet Delivery

It’s an average Tuesday here.  It’s been raining off an on all day.  I got 2 deliveries from Amazon today.  The first one arrived promptly this morning and was tucked away in an inconspicuous place where packages are typically left on my front porch.  The second one came later this afternoon and the driver just tossed them on the porch right in a puddle.  What a dick!  Nothing was damaged but I wasn’t terribly pleased and made sure to leave negative feedback on Amazon. 

The work day is almost done, I have a couple of changes to process and have to wait until closer to close of business which is why I am hanging around.  Got in a short nap with Gator at lunch time.  She was happy to fall asleep in my lap as per usual. 

Not much happening in my world it’s just normal hum drum daily life stuff.  Like last night I broke out the razor and shaved.  Tonight will be shower time and I am looking forward to it.  It’s been a struggle to find something to watch but YouTube has helped a bit. 

Had Chinese food for supper last night.  I have more left but saving it for tomorrow night.  Doing Italian tonight.  Really upset that I don’t have many sweets around.  I could go for a nice piece of cake or pie.  At least I have some cookies but they won’t last long.  It’s not like I need it but rather desire it.  Sure would be nice if I could loose some of the cravings as well as some weight.  That would put me in better shape to find a man when this whole hibernation thing is over with. 

Hope that all is going well for you.  Talk with you all again soon, be well!

Playing ketchup

Hey everyone, I hope that you are doing well! It’s been a little bit and I got the itch to write since most of my chores for Sunday are done. I still have to carry the laundry up and figure out what I am going to consume for supper as well as what I am going to watch this evening. Time to catch up with you. Here we go.

Let’s start at work … On-call has just been brutal this week. Lots of malware to deal with. Usually by the time I get logged in the software we have in place has things cleaned up and I have no idea where the file came from. However, I have been chasing my tail a few times. Finally figured out the source and was able to get the files deleted. It’s all been on servers and associated with our Document Management System – there hasn’t been any real risk involved. I know most people see malware and that raises eyebrows. It all depends on if we are talking on an end users’ machine or on a server. My week started out dealing with an infected machine. The alert fired off a little after 5p and it took forever for me to get the end user to call me back. I am glad that today is my last day of this rotation. Then we move on to a 4-day week where we try to cram 5 days of work into 4 – fun times.

At home … things are status quo for the most part. I got a hell of a wake up call this morning. Marv told me that the ants were back in the kitchen. Holy shit they were. I walked right past them and didn’t notice. He came in to eat some of his sister’s food and put his head down and started crying. That’s when I looked and sprang into wide awake mode. I got that mess taken care of and the ants killed off. For good measure I will be doing feeding away from that area. Winter is the best time because there are no bugs of any kind. I kind of long for that.

The new water heater is doing a great job. I am quite pleased with myself and how I handled this situation. As well as the fact that I didn’t get ripped off like the last time. So, there is no doubt I printed out a label and put the date of purchase, date of install and where I purchased it from. This way when I need to figure out how old the unit is, I will instantly know. I keep telling myself I am going to do the same thing for the washer but I haven’t gotten around to it yet.

I stumbled upon a great website for me. It’s all about gay porn and even has photos from various studios. I like to collect the photos and use them as wallpaper for my computer. I had subscriptions in the past and could easily download them but I broke away from the studios and have been longing for some new photos. I was able to surf back in to the early 2000 and saw some shots and stars that I had forgotten about. Kind of neat and it kept me quite busy for a couple days.

There was a new ‘special update’ for Lennox Hill [Netflix series]. I watched that episode and it covered how they treated COVID and they did an amazing job for being so overwhelmed. I saw a movie on HBO called Clifford which had Charles Grodin in it. That was a hoot. I’ve watched a ton of Chiropractic YouTube videos. You can see some cute guys but wow listening to those cracks makes me wish that was my back cracking. It didn’t help that I had a horrible knot in my upper back that I am working on. It’s mostly gone but as soon as I get back to hunching over the screen again it will come right back. Watched several videos of Don Rickles when he was at his prime. I was really caught off guard at some of the comments he was able to get away with making. He was a great entertainer and knew how to make people laugh.

I think it was Thursday. I noticed that my DVR’s power button was flashing. I thought that was odd. I got baited into resetting the box and it took forever to come back up. Turns out it hit a road block and had problems downloading the TV Guide. It tries a couple times and after that it just gives up. Once you reset the box you wipe out what guide that is left behind and that forces it to go out and download new content. It’s been fine ever since. I just don’t want to have to call for service because they will send out a new unit, I will lose everything that I have saved and then have the fun time of sending back the old unit.

On the COVID front … I am not surprised to see certain areas have wide spread outbreaks. People and/or government don’t mandate mask wearing and have low compliance, plus all of the large gatherings that have been done certainly doesn’t help. In my state restaurants were recently allowed to open to dine in customers but there can’t be more than 50 people at a time. I want to go out to eat so bad but it’s not worth it to me to enjoy a meal while I potentially expose myself. I am waiting a bit before I give in. My employer is opening most of our offices on July 1 and it’s voluntary if you want to go back. The bulk of my team is still planning on working from home. While I know that we have stringent restrictions in place it’s just not worth the risk. Until I hear differently from my doctor, I don’t plan on setting foot back in the office. That may well be next year. I do hope that our federal government gets its ass in gear and starts to focus on this virus again instead of trying to sweep it under the rug or were all fucked and many more people will needlessly die. I know there is much focus on the election but if most people are sick or dead the election won’t matter at all. We need a mandate that masks are required no matter where you live or what you do. However, I don’t know that it will happen. My state mandates it but enforcing it just isn’t happening. So, you have people that don’t give a shit and they walk right into a grocery store or the cat food store and shop as if nothing is wrong.

I did a dumb thing and made Thanksgiving reservations from my phone via a website and didn’t screen shot it. They said they would send an email confirmation so I relied on that. Well guess what no email confirmation has come. I honestly don’t think that this years Thanksgiving celebrations will be taking place but I made reservations just in case things happen to change. I know they will call to confirm a couple days in advance and I can always call the restaurant as we get closer. Who knows maybe the reservations didn’t go through? I’m not terribly concerned right now.

I really want to get out of the house and hope that my Thanksgiving friends reach out for this weekend. They always put on a small BBQ for Independence Day. The usual hot dogs, hamburgers and brats. Potato Salad and some other things. I don’t know that they will invite me since I have told them that my doc doesn’t really want me around people. However, there is still plenty of time. If not, well I am sure that I will get by.

I saved what I think and hope is the best news for last. I ordered a hard drive caddy that will power up old IDE drives. I have a small stack of them from my late spouse and hope to be able to unearth some memories. It’s supposed to be here tomorrow. The drive caddy that I have right now only works for SATA drives. It wasn’t terribly expensive so I figured why not give it a go.

Well people in the neighborhood have started shooting off fireworks already. It’s that time of year where you have to guess is it fireworks or gunshots. I hate the game myself but wouldn’t mind watching some fireworks on TV. It doesn’t seem to bother the cats like it has in years past. Although it did arouse Gator for a moment. I told her everything was okay and she went back to sleep.

I am eager for life in general to return to some state of normal and to maybe perhaps be able to get back in the dating pool and find a nice guy. However, that is a desire that I think will be on hold for a while. My guess says probably a year to a year and a half away, which if you think about it is a long period of time but if you don’t watch the clock then it will pass in the blink of an eye. It’s when you have nothing but time that each day just creeps by slowly and seems to get slower and slower. Which is why it’s important to keep busy but the days blend together and I can’t help but watch each day tick by. Most of what I miss is just human contact. You can only get so much by phone or video conference.

I suppose that is a wrap for this post. I am longing to figure out what it is I am going to consume for dinner. I want a pizza but don’t really want to heat up the house. Time to go see what’s in the freezer and weigh my options such as they are. The cats of course will want more food as well.

Take care and we will talk again soon.

Random Q & A

Do you like or dislike surprises? Why or why not?If it’s a good surprise like a party, a gift, good news that’s fine. If it’s something negative or bad then nope. Although life tosses me most of my surprises and that’s someone most people have no control over.

In the evening, would you rather play a game, visit a relative, watch a movie, or read?I like a movie or TV and spending time with my cats. I could easily trade that for catching a movie in person with a friend or going out to dinner.

Would you rather vacation in Hawaii or Alaska, and why?Hawaii sounds really nice and I hear you get laid as soon as you get off the plane. Who wouldn’t like that?

Would you rather win the lottery or work at the perfect job? And why?I think I have the perfect job so I am willing to change things up and win the lottery. Why because change is a good thing and I wouldn’t have to worry about money but rather the company that I keep because I am sure that some if not most people would be in it for the money or what was going to benefit them.

Who would you want to be stranded with on a deserted island?A young, cute guy that I got along with and was also sexually compatible with.

If money was no object, what would you do all day?Travel, Eat, Shop and do whatever I wanted.

What would you do if you won the lottery?See response to question 4.

What form of public transportation do you prefer? (air, boat, train, bus, car, etc.)Train

What's your favorite zoo animal?I don’t know that I have a favorite but Monkeys are interesting and so are Lions & Tigers.

If you could share a meal with any 4 individuals, living or dead, who would they be?My late spouse, My late grandmother & grandfather, My mom and Charlie Puth.

How many pillows do you sleep with?Three

What's the longest you've gone without sleep (and why)?24 hours … circumstances my spouse was dying.

What's the tallest building you've been to the top in?In my day it was called The Sears Tower, I think it’s Willis Tower now.

Some common questions asked to gay people

1. ‘When did you decide to be gay?’

Being gay isn’t a decision, it’s who you are sexually attracted to. It doesn’t define every aspect of your life or personality. It just means that you like to sleep with people of the same sex. I have never actually been asked this.

2. ‘What do you actually do in bed?’

What a person does in their own bed for sexual gratification can vary. You have the vanilla to the wild. Unless you’re in bed with me, this is a question best left to your imagination. I have never been asked this.

3. ‘Are you the man or the woman?’

This is a question that I got asked one time. One guy can be more effeminate than the other but at the end of the day your both men. Some people ask this question to find out if you are a bottom.

4. ‘Do you know my gay cousin, John?’

Being gay doesn’t mean we know every other gay in the world. I got asked ths one as well.

Can you think of any others? Post your own suggestions below.

5. How do you know if you have never been with someone of the opposite sex?’

How does Grandpa know that he likes Grandma if he hasn’t tried being with another dude? It’s pretty simple you know who you are attracted to and who makes your heart skip a beat. Some people try the heterosexual way but as for me, I am a gold star gay (meaning I have never been with a woman). It’s just not something that appeals to me at all.

If you have a question or something you’d like to know, leave them in the comments.  If appropriate I will respond either directly to the comment or in a future post. 

Father’s Day Weekend & The Kids Birthday

It was an average weekend for me. I got the running I had been putting off done. The 1 item I am unable to find anywhere is liquid hand soap in a large refill. I was able to pickup a couple individual pumps at the grocery store. They were marked as one low price but rang up quite differently. I didn’t catch it until I was out of the store and since you can’t return anything right now, I was stuck. Besides that, I needed the soap anyway.

I found a couple of old hard drives that my late spouse had and I was interested in the contents. I hooked them up and didn’t really find anything noteworthy. One had junk on it and the other had a backup of his pc. I saw some individual PST files and tried to open them (they contain email in MS Outlook format). However, Outlook didn’t see them as valid PST files. I tried running a repair on them but that too failed.

Marv and Gator rang in their 16^th Birthday yesterday. They were both given lots of attention. Marv wasn’t up for much eating. He was more in a sleeping mood and wanted to stick close to me. I am fine with that. He was hot and cold with that. One minute he couldn’t get enough of me and the next he wanted to get away from me. I know their Momma would be proud of both of them for sticking with me.

I got a good deal on Symantec (f/k/a Norton) Internet Security. I have been a long-time customer but refuse to pay full retail price for their product. I normally go through Amazon but you can also go through their outlet store on-line, called Norton Outlet. However, my deal this year came directly from Norton. My subscription was set to expire in early July. I got 5 licenses for $19.99 which is a great deal. The catch is that you have to agree to auto renewal. That’s the same thing with their other deals, so you agree and then once your setup login and turn it off. They put up a bit of a fight but it’s easy enough if you stick with it. I don’t like auto renewing surprises especially when it would renew for full retail price which is closer to $90. With the way Windows is built today you really don’t need anti-virus you can use Windows Defender, it’s good enough. However, I am set in my ways. I have other security software I run along side Norton for added protection.

My last normal paycheck before the mandatory pay reduction goes in place will occur at the end of the month. It will be sad to get less money for doing the same amount of work but hopefully things even out since I am not commuting daily. This has been one expensive month between the water heater, license plate renewal and tucking money into Escrow so the house payment doesn’t go up. Hopefully I will see some of the Escrow money come back to me when they balance out in September. I also hope the pay cut is a temporary thing and they can reverse it sooner rather than later. However, I think I will be stuck with that for a couple months at minimum if not for the rest of the year. The determining factor is our profits and how well people pay their bills. Here’s hoping that things get back on track soon.

Yesterday was also Father’s Day. My father was my grandfather who was my mom’s dad. We didn’t see eye to eye. I wasn’t macho into manual labor; I was more into AC and staying in doors doing office type work. I guess that was too effeminate for him. My brother on the other hand was into all of that straight macho bs and they got along great. He (my grandfather) figured out later in life that I was gay and I know he had suspected for a long time. That bothered him, his up bringing told him that gay people were bad, much like people of color. While I don’t know that he would be accepting of my “lifestyle” today I know that he would be proud of me for all that I have been through and how far I have come in the world. I think he might be disappointed in how my brother has turned out but that is speculative on my part.

The real question is what about my biological father. Yeah, I wonder about him from time to time and yesterday was one of those times. I know that he has another family and you’d think that after all these years he would want to reach out. I get that there is risk and fear but if you don’t take risks you will never be able to overcome the paralysis. I wanted to reach out to him when I was growing up but was discouraged. I don’t need him but it would be nice to know a bit about his side of the family, the health risks, etc. Not to mention meeting my ½ siblings which I know there are a couple. We were always told as kids to keep an eye out when he dies and then lay claim to his estate. If we were to do that, we would have to establish that we were in fact his biological children and then fight it out with the rest of his surviving family. It’s like diving head first into a hornet’s nest and that’s just not something I want to get involved with. It’s much more trouble than it’s worth. I have thought about doing the DNA thing and then seeing who I match up with as relatives on-line but that is a bit risky as well. I may in fact do that at some point but for now it’s a stone best left unturned. Although it would be interesting to know if I had a gay ½ brother or sister.

If you are a Father, I bid you a belated Happy Father’s Day.

Right now, it’s a typical Monday. Things are slow but ramping up. Part of my neck is out of whack and I didn’t sleep the best. I am so looking forward to my lunch time nap. Problem is that I am on-call this week. I do hope that it’s quiet. So, another day of House Arrest [Quarantine] begins. I can’t believe it’s been several months that I have been doing this. I really miss the old “normal” of life. I do enjoy the quiet time that I have been able to get from this but I really just want to go out to eat in a restaurant with out any risks. Burger, Bowl of Chili and maybe a shake – that would be good enough for me. Things are slowly starting to reopen but the spike in the infection rate is also trending back upward. The media talks about this as a 2^nd wave but in honesty we never got rid of the 1^st wave, it’s just a long 1^st cycle. I really hope that a vaccine and more aggressive/successful treatment is discovered sooner rather than later. I know that I am not alone in wanting to get back to a state of normal. I do think this has forever changed the shape of the world, some good and some bad.

Here’s to a great week ahead. Take care & be well.

Momma’s Birthday

Today my Momma would be 17 years old. I really wish that we were together to celebrate her special day. 16 years ago, on this day I brought her in to our home not knowing what the future had in store. Wow, what a ride. It started off with a bang, 2 days later she had her kids. Just like a rollercoaster there were ups and downs. Plenty of laughs and good times to drown out the bad. I can’t help but be sad today, I caught a photo yesterday in my daily memories that appear and it was difficult to look at. She was smiling and having a good time.

I pray that she is at peace and hopefully with her departed son/daughter as well as my late spouse. I miss all of them very much. I am thankful to have Marv & Gator left behind to help continue to carry me. They will both be 16 in 2 days. Age doesn’t show much on Gator. Marvin however is a different story and honestly if he is here to ring in his 17^th birthday it will be a surprise to me. I do hope that I am surprised and they are both with me for many more years to come.

I live in the present but am slightly fearful of the future. Life is moving along okay and were at another Friday so that is a good thing. I hope that you are doing well. Take care and we will talk again soon.

RIP – Water Heater

Yesterday I got my new water heater. It’s a 40 gallon which is the same as what I had. Installation for the plumber was easy. Everything lined up just right. It took about an hour. The hardest part was waiting for him to arrive in the time window I was given. Thankfully it was only 30 minutes into the window. I got a new expansion tank. It’s all up and working, doing a great job. I do hope that it lasts much longer than the last one. The plumber said that the last one had bad welds in it, which is why it gave out so quickly. It’s all silent here in the basement, no noise and that is a good thing. The only bad part was the plumber wasn’t wearing a mask. We kept our distance but he was coughing like crazy. He said that he was allergic to cats. I don’t know about that but I suppose it’s plausible. I’m just a bit nervous.

Speaking of the fur balls. They were both very good. Gator stayed on the couch and observed. Marvin was right below her on the floor. They didn’t try to escape or go and hide. Once the plumber left, they got feisty and demanded lunch. I took care of them and grabbed a bite. Then it was back to work.

Once work was done, I came upstairs very tired (probably because I missed my nap) and we watched TV together in the living room. Marv & Gator were both out cold. I was very close to joining them. When Marv woke up suddenly and started crying. We got supper. For once I ate very well. I had Crab Rangoon and Beef Fried Rice. It was all very good and filling. For dessert I had a small German Chocolate Brownie. Washed it all down with a Diet Coke. I was still full when I was getting in bed at 10:30p.

Not a bad Monday for me all things considered. Not much on TV and that is going to be the case for a while but I managed last night and I am sure I will do the same tonight. I still have yet to view Instagram and Twitter so there will be some entertainment.

The post that I had been wanting to write was published yesterday. When I was thinking about the subject, I remembered that I had put it in my book, so it was just a copy & paste job. Toss in some additional remarks and presto, all done. I like to post about a specific topic. If there is something, you’d like to see me write about, leave a comment. I don’t have all of the answers to the game of life but I have been through a thing or two and can potentially impart some knowledge to someone or so I hope.

Take care and be well. Talk with you all again soon!

Being Gay - what does it mean?

After the death of my spouse, I wrote a book.  It was therapeutic.  Below is a chapter taken from my book verbatim.  The book was written a few years ago but the general nugget of knowledge I am trying to impart still holds true today.  My hope is that this will help someone out there.  My belief in God has changed a bit over the years.  I am still somewhat on the fence.

I also decided to look up the definition of the word GAY and here’s what it says according to Dictionary.com

 

  

Being gay only applies to my sexuality and my sexual preference.  Outside of that, it doesn’t define who I am, what I like or anything else.  It just defines the sex of the person I want to have sexual relations with.  I know that there are people that say it’s wrong; it’s against the Bible, God Hates Fags, etc. My personal feeling is that gay people were created to be martyrs and when you discriminate, hate or treat us differently you are doing that to God.  For that, I believe those that do shall be punished.  I think that one day; we (gay people) will reap rewards for the hell we have been put through here on earth.  Now just because that is my opinion doesn’t make it so.  However, I don’t believe there is anything wrong with homosexuality.  I suppose I am biased there.  It’s how I was born and just like you can’t pick your parents you can’t pick your sexual preference.  It’s not a mental disease.  You are not sick or twisted.  You can’t pray the gay away.  You can’t convert yourself because while on the outside you may appear to be living a “straight” life inside your true desires for a person of the same sex linger.  That is something that no “straight” life will be able to quench.

Gay people who are trying to hide their secret become exceptionally good at deception and lying over time.  Some people might suspect but until you confirm it no one knows for certain.  Depending upon the circumstances, it is sometimes best to keep people guessing.     

If you are gay, the sooner you and those that love you come to terms with it the sooner you and they will be able to move forward in life.  Coming out is a very personal decision and something that you have to do when you feel it’s right.  If it’s never right, well then so be it. Don’t let anyone pressure you into something you don’t want to or aren’t ready to do.  

If you have thoughts of committing suicide, realize that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  I understand that in the heat of the moment, with all of the pressure weighing on you, that you feel it’s your only option.  Stop and think about those around you, those that depend on you and how they will get by.  I’m certainly not a doctor or a mental health expert.  I mean if you’re bound and determined to take your own life and you won’t entertain opinions or thoughts from others or won’t reach out for help before you rush to your decision then there is very little I or anyone can do to stop you.  It’s like a runaway train.  Think of what it will do to whoever discovers your lifeless body.  Then there is also the possibility depending upon the method you have chosen, that you may not be successful and you could wind up having to live your life with a disability, disfigurement, etc.  There are a lot of factors to weight before rushing into a decision that will determine your future. 

Growing up gay is NOT easy.  People are always making fun of you because you are different.  I promise you that it does get better as you get older.  I hear college is a real fun time, I wouldn’t know because I never went.  Once you are an adult in the working world, I think is when you will find that things are truly as good as they are going to get.  Society as a whole is starting to come to terms with Equality.  Marriage isn’t for everyone but it’s nice that those of us that want to get married in many states can.  I think we are just mere years away from society viewing gay as becoming common place.  It’s like growing up with regular TV and then one day you get Cable and don’t realize how you ever lived without it.  I think society one day will wake up and say who cares and move on.  

I love to hear coming out stories.  They are often filled with drama but in the end, it’s about a person letting those they care about know their sexual preference.  Why do we (meaning gay people as a whole) feel compelled to share this?  I mean “straight” people don’t walk around and advertise that they are straight; it’s just something that is assumed.  I suppose it’s because we want and need acceptance and to know that no matter what those that we care about love us unconditionally.  

If I can help someone deal with their sexuality through this book that would be awesome.  I had next to no one there for me when I was feeling all of those strange feelings and thinking it was wrong.  Being raised Roman Catholic didn’t help either.  Talk about guilt!  

The bottom line is to talk to someone about your feelings.  Don’t let it go all bottled up because that is a recipe for disaster.  That applies to most problems in life.  Holding it in does no good and is self-destructive.  Do not think that you are all alone or that you are the first person to experience this because you are not.  I know there are many emotions that come with being gay.  So your different, you are as God wanted you to be.  Society today deals with that in a much more accepting way than when I was growing up. 

I encourage you to reach out and talk to someone.  If they won’t or don’t want to listen then move on to another person.  Consider looking online for resources.  There is a program for youth called The Trevor Project and they can and do help a lot of younger folks.  Talking is therapeutic and necessary for survival.    

Expensive Weekend

I discovered this afternoon that my water heater had spring a leak.  I drained it and then began the search for a new one.  I made my purchase at Lowe’s.  The installer should be reaching out to me tomorrow morning.  While timing isn’t perfect the cost was much better than what I paid for the water heater I am using.  I stayed with a tank because Lowe’s doesn’t install tankless.  Although, tankless did appear to cost less.  Average life span is 6 to 10 years.  I just did this 6 years ago, normally you get more like 10 years but I think what I got was cheaply made.  Someone took advantage of me before but not this time.  While I put it on a credit card, I will easily be able to fork over the cash when the bill arrives.  For that I am truly thankful.  Saving money helps and today was a very rainy day!

The weekend was fine except for that little hiccup.  I made it to my friends on-line funeral.  It was nice but the audio quality could have been better.  I am glad that they did this, it was nice and helps with closure. 

I watched an amazing series on Netflix called Lennox Hill.  It’s about a hospital in NY and it’s amazing, if you like medical drama.  There is some gore because they focus heavily on brain surgery.  Amazing people there!

I am going to have supper and hopefully be able to relax with the cats.  I may need to take a 1/2 day tomorrow, I know that I will be away from my computer for a short time when the installer is here, it matters not to me if it’s counted as time off or if it’s not.  I have a huge surplus of time, so there is one advantage. 

Hope you had a good weekend!

Wanting to be wrong

Turns out I called it correct, our big meeting today was to tell us all that we are going to be taking a 15% pay cut at the start of next month. This is in effect for the foreseeable future and is completely reversible. In order to be reversed our leadership would have to see a sizeable jump or a more normal pattern to our organization’s overall earnings and/or at the end of the year if we exceed our earnings projection.

This is all done in order to prevent layoffs or furloughs, which is a step that we don’t want to have to take. I get that. The pay cut sucks but at least we still have jobs. I had originally thought it was 10% which wouldn’t have been bad at all for me. However, now that it’s 15% that is going to hurt. Instead of being able to make a car payment from 1 check I may have to spread it over two so that I have enough money to pay the bills. That is what I did when I first started down the road of higher car payments.

I have crunched all kinds of numbers to try to forecast what my check will look like when this hits but there are a couple of unique variables that go in to the equation I won’t know until I get that first check. That is something I will be in suspense about until the middle of next month. I have already stopped my 401k contribution for the moment. When things go back to normal, I will certainly start contributing again. Right now, though I need every penny I can get my hands on to stay afloat.

Considering that I am not commuting to and from work, I think that I will be okay. However, I am in a bit of panic mode right now. Thinking about maybe cancelling Netflix and potentially Spotify. I do have a small amount of money saved which will also help me out. However, I would like to keep as much of that tucked away as possible. Even though I got bad news, you never know when worse news is on the horizon.

Looks like I picked the worst possible time to get glasses. I mean I can pay cash for them but I am glad that I can spread the cost over 6 months with no interest, that will certainly help me out. I’ve also got a monster credit card bill that needs to be paid in full (since I don’t carry a balance) the largest thing there was my license plate renewal. Even though I won’t be driving much you still have to have current plates on your car.

If it looks like I will have problems then I will certainly reach out to my lenders (home and auto) to see what kind of alternate arrangements can be made. I don’t want to have to do that at all. However, I am not above asking for help. After all I am the sole supporter of myself and if I don’t ask for help (if it’s needed) then I can’t expect that someone will be doing it for me.

Today I also learned that we will start to open our offices the 1^st of the month and if you voluntarily want to go back and have no underlying health concerns then you can return to the office. If you don’t want to go back or have health concerns, then you can keep working from home. There is no pressure to return to the office at all. That is an uncommon benefit. I think most employers would be like, were open and you need to come back. Based on what my Doctor told me at my last visit unless something drastic changes I will probably be working from home for the remainder of the year and a good portion of next year. Not exactly what I wanted to hear and not sure that I can survive here that long w/o having a mental break but I just take it day by day.

I hope that this will all end soon and life can go back to some form of “normal” or that we can adjust to a “new normal”. Not that I would be a social butterfly but it’s nice to be able to move with freedom – not having to wear a mask. Being able to go out to eat, see a movie or take a short trip. I do have a couple of new social groups that I discovered last year and had planned on going to a couple gatherings before the COVID thing hit. They are still gathering but you won’t find me there, it’s just not safe given the risk groups that I am in.

That is the big news of the day. The other big development is that one of the cats finally knocked over the water bowl in my room. It’s a wet mess but I have cleaned it up as best I can. Of course, no one is talking, I guess the cats got their tongue! My best guess tells me it was Gator because she has to paw at the bowl or fountain before she drinks. I think she hit it too hard and got wet. Not only that but in the process, she soaked her brother. Everyone was smiling this morning as if nothing had happened. Gator was crying because the water was empty and that’s when I knew what occurred and wound up stepping on a wet rug. Nothing quite says good morning like an unexpected wet surprise on your feet. ICK.

At least we made it to Friday. I’ve been going since 7. Stopped to take a short break but no nap today and I am honestly ready for a nap. Think I might just go get one while it’s still quiet. Of course, as soon as I lay my head down, I know the phone will see it and then start going crazy.

Have a nice weekend and take care of yourself.

About last night

Today is kind of a boring day for me. I finished up work early this morning. I am just hanging out and watching in case any problems arise. There literally is nothing for me to do at work. This happens frequently and I have yet to say anything because well as much as I hate it, I also enjoy it. There are times when I am so busy, I barely have time to breathe and there are other times like today that I am going out of my mind from boredom.

I’ve been listening to the B52’s on Spotify. I really enjoy their music and some of it I haven’t heard before. I do give every song a chance but the timing varies, once I decide to skip there is no going back. There are several live performances so that is a bit extra special to listen to. I didn’t really start to appreciate them until around 2005, which seems like a long time ago.

I have also been surfing for porn. Who would have ever thought that people would be recording themselves having sex, putting it up on the internet and getting paid for it? I mean I remember cam boys, but there didn’t seem like much money in it. Today you have amateurs and professionals filming their own content, which you can subscribe to monthly on Only Fans or Just For Fans. It’s a pretty wild idea. You [the performer(s)] set the price for the monthly subscription. I don’t know what percentage the site takes for hosting it and for processing payments but some people can make a living doing just sex work. Since you are doing the filming in a controlled environment, there is very low risk. Getting someone to join you and consent to being filmed that might be a bit of a higher risk. I see the thrill and turn on behind it all, but it’s not something that I would ever do. I do think I am a pornaholic. I really enjoy it after all it’s been my outlet in the sex arena for many years. Saying that is some what of a turn on and also an embarrassment. However, we all have needs and desires. I can’t imagine not having needs or desires.

Last night I stumbled across a movie on Amazon Prime called Thank God It’s Friday. It was a hoot. Got to see Donna Summer and The Commodores. As well as some very good and bad disco dancing. Man, that had to be a time to be alive. I didn’t think I would enjoy it at all but after a short time I was invested and that turned out to be my evening’s entertainment. My Chicken Burrito was really good and I skipped the Cheesecake and had a brownie instead. Of course, I hung out with the two members of the furry family. I also incorporated some work into the mix, which they didn’t appreciate and I was thankful to get rid of. It was an emergency situation and in retrospect I should have come downstairs but instead opted to try to resolve it from the couch. It would have been quicker to walk downstairs. Ah well, it’s all done now.

It’s cooler weather here but the house has been a bit on the hot side and I have been a little nauseated from it. I got in my lunch time nap with Gator and that helped a little bit. The AC has also kicked on for a short time so more help. If I need to, I will run it tonight.

Today I was a little disheartened to learn that Live PD has been cancelled. It was a good show and you got to see both the good & bad side of policing. I felt that you had a more authentic experience watching this show than other shows that were like it. I understand that police reform is front and center, not to mention a very hot button issue. I don’t see how cancelling the show will help anything but clearly the people still have the power. I do hope that they don’t go after my favorite show The First 48 which follows Homicide detectives as they attempt to solve a murder. Too many people die in this world for no reason at all. There is far too much violence in the world and it has become an all too common way to solve problems. In reality it solves nothing it creates more problems. You have an injured or dead person, their family, the perpetrator and their family. So, 2 people and 2 families that are forever changed. That’s not taking into account any bystanders or innocent victims. Use words not fists to solve problems or just walk away. I get that it’s not that easy all the time but cooler heads prevail. Never make a decision in anger or haste – you will always regret it. That applies to most everything in life. Revenge does feel good but it just fuels a larger fire instead of extinguishing it.

Here’s hoping that better days are ahead for all of us. I don’t know that I will ever want to eat at a buffet again but I have plenty of restaurants that I would love to visit. Food, Guys and Money (not necessarily in that order) are what I am fond of. Take care of yourselves and come on back to see what is going on in my world. Thanks for riding with me today. Be well.

In the middle

I can’t believe it’s already Wednesday. This week is moving wildly fast. I am not sure if that is good or bad. I was awestruck when I realized that tomorrow is Thursday, that is what put things into perspective.

Friday is a day that I normally look forward to. This Friday I have mixed feelings about. I have to wake up early to complete a morning task with a co-worker because he is leaving on a trip. Then we have an all staff meeting later in the morning. Normally there is an agenda that is published ahead of time so we at least have some idea of the subjects that will be covered. This was an impromptu meeting that we were all invited to about a week ago. Since it’s close to payday I speculate that this is where they are going to lower the boom and tell us that our pay is going to be cut. It could also be nothing more than a touch base as these types of meetings have been in the past. To discuss the re-entry plan. We are still hiring and just created a position to promote someone so someone has to be hired to fill their shoes. I am not happy with the person that was hired or should I say re-hired but there isn’t much I can do about it.

While I do enjoy the ability that has been afforded to me to work from home, I kind of feel like now that were going on another month that I am slowly going insane. I have a new normal – new routines and I just feel so trapped. Being able to get out and move, interact with others I think is something that we all took for granted before this pandemic struck. I think we all have a new appreciation for it. That said, I see that CNN echoes what I have been hearing from other news sources that there are surges in the COVID outbreak in states that have gone full bore and re-opened. I just would like a happy medium where it’s safe for people to get out and if you happened to contract COVID that there was a proven treatment or immunization for it. I know we will get there eventually but this year largely feels like a loss thus far because of having to stay at home. With most events cancelled. We still have 6 months to go before the year is over, here’s hoping that there is some progress and good news coming!

I saw a post on FB at lunch that there will be a live stream of my late friend’s funeral on Saturday. I will be checking back for the link. I am glad that there will be a service I know that while only immediate family will be allowed to attend in person, that the live stream will be flooded with plenty of people. She meant the world to so many.

Still adjusting to my new glasses. Not happy that the eye doctor didn’t use Crizal’s UV reflective coating to protect against blue light from my computer monitor. They went with a cheaper coating from their lab. The protection is there but I feel like I got short changed. I am on the fence about going back to them next year. They don’t carry Nike frames at all and never have. They also join most every other eye doctor that I have seen in doing what I call shady billing. I kind of feel like I am getting robbed and don’t really know it. I called out a duplicative charge to them and was told that it was a per eye charge that lens are billed differently than coatings. That doesn’t sound right to me. I figure if there is a problem my insurance will catch it. They may not get the extra money from the insurance company but that doesn’t mean they will refund any money to me. I spent a good portion of yesterday looking for eye doctors in my area that accept my insurance and carry Nike frames. I didn’t find anyone nearly as good looking as Andrew Neighbors (aka Andrew Goes Places from You Tube) but I did find a good number of eye docs and places that I can consider. I like a fresh start rather than going back to someone I have been to in the past. The hope is that I will be comfortable and can maintain a long-term relationship. It’s important to be comfortable when it comes to any type of medical care and treatment, even if it’s just a checkup. That goes for everything from an eye doctor to your primary care and dentist. Speaking of which I have yet to get my teeth cleaned. My new dentist is still closed due to the pandemic. I am not in any kind of hurry but I would like to get it done this year. I am religious when it comes to any type of health care maintenance from eyes to teeth. It’s important and you can often catch problems early if there is something in the works.

Man, I was tired last night and falling asleep multiple times only to wake up and think that someone was in the house and looking at me. At one point I woke up and my eye lash was in the way so I couldn’t fully open my eye and that caused some heart palpitations. After that I told myself that it’s just me, the cats and whatever spirits are lurking about. Time to call it a night once and for all. That did the trick and I was out like a light. It lasted until 5:30 this morning and then I was awake and asleep off & on. Gator didn’t help things because her belly was empty and she wanted me to put food in it.

Not much good on television right now, summer always typically equals a hiatus or break for most shows. There is some new or as I refer to it, temporary content to help liven things up but mostly you see re-runs. I watch a lot of news in the evening, which I am sure probably isn’t a good thing because it’s not filled with good news, it’s more of a debate about current issues and reporting additional bad news. I am thankful that I have the option to change over to paid services like Netflix, Hulu and Amazon Prime Video for alternative content. I sometimes stumble across something really good. For example, I saw a movie on Amazon (title escapes me) about this guy who was in line to become a priest. He volunteered for the summer at a program/location and found another guy who was into him and they wound up striking up a relationship and the guy didn’t become a priest after all. It was entertaining and there were some steamy bedrooms scenes but it was all R rated at most. The crux of the movie or take away for me was, that if you see something you want go get it or at least fight for it, as you might wind up getting what you want. Doesn’t always work out that way, especially when it comes to human relations. At the end of the day, people are fickle.

No post is complete with out a quick update on my furry family. Marv is a bit more talkative and still limping around but I am telling you he is fast on his feet for an old cat with a bum knee. We have spent time together on the couch, I think the heating pad gets to him after a while so he has to leave it. However, he melts like butter at first when you put him on it. It’s a slow gradual process but he settles down and drifts off to sleep. Wakes up, might move around might not and then back to sleep. I think he will enjoy it even more when the weather changes to colder temperatures. Gator is just needy for attention. We got our lunch time nap in yesterday but she wouldn’t jump in my lap for anything, she wanted to be in her bed. Today was a different story. Not sure why but she loves to step on or kick my nuts and has yet to figure out what they are but she does know that it bothers me. Maybe that is why she does it. She is still insistent on me picking her up to place her on the love seat in the living room, even though she is fully capable of getting up there on her own. Then she bitches at me when I go to pick her up, she just loves to give me trouble. She still permits me to hug her and that I am telling you feels really good, especially when she gets her motor going.

Take care, be well and we will talk again soon! I am off to surf for porn and wrap up my work day so that I can climb the stairs and devour a Chicken Burrito from the grocery store. It’s a homemade thing, just heat and eat. Then a slice of cheesecake and finally whatever I can find on TV for a couple hours of entertainment and then it will once again be time for bed. Wash – Rinse – Repeat! Welcome to life!

Summer of Love–B52’s

Good song!

Wrap on Monday

Monday was a rollercoaster ride for me. My morning started off as usual I was in the middle of a call with a colleague and my stomach began giving me fits. I excused myself from the call and no sooner than I stood up, I had a problem on my hands and a messy one at that. I was not happy at all. I got cleaned up and began the litany of laundry. I used some water yesterday and my washer got quite the workout. I even ran it through it’s first ever cleaning cycle.

It’s kind of felt like I had eaten something bad but I didn’t get nauseated. Not sure what it was but when I stepped on the scale, I was 5 pounds lighter. If I can just do that again a couple more times I can be back to my original weight. However, I think that I would be dehydrated and probably not feeling so well. Still it’s one way to lose weight, just not my preferred method.

I was hesitant to eat lunch but did ingest a small amount of a left-over sandwich. That didn’t cause any problems. I got in a nice long nap for lunch because I was exhausted. As per usual my phone kept waking me up, even though I wasn’t on call I still looked at it. You never know when something emergent will arise and I am known for quick response, so I like to keep up my image.

Later in the afternoon as I was wrapping things up, I got a phone call from the eye doctor. My glasses were ready. I called to make sure it was okay to come on down and get them. I missed them so much. Everything looked fine in the store, driving was okay. When I got home and tried to read my copy of the invoice, I had some problems. I took them off to give my eyes a rest. Put them on later in the evening and still had issues. I put them back on this morning and it is taking a bit to get used to the new prescription, which is supposed to be better, as in improved vision but I kind of miss my old prescription. It’s been a few hours and things are starting to come into focus. I suppose it’s just a training period of getting used to them but I don’t like it at all. I will try to exercise what little patience I do have and see if I can’t get used to them, but if in a couple days things don’t settle down, I will be calling back. I spent a pretty penny and want to ensure that I get my monies worth.

Marv got in lots of noodle time last night and I had the heating pad on. He woke up and repositioned himself and asked for a little attention but was quick to pass out. Eventually he woke up and he wanted down. I took care of that. Then cleaned up my DVR to get rid of a bunch of old Family Feud episodes. Watched a special at home on AXS with Celo Green last night. It was okay. On some songs he can sing and on others it sounds like he is whispering. If he would be consistent that would make him better. I can’t stand whispering when someone is trying to sing, spit it out already!

That was the end of Monday. Slept okay, had some strange dreams and Gator wanted me up way too soon. Here we are already at Tuesday. It’s supposed to be a stormy day and if that means it is a bit cooler then I am for it. It’s been so hot here.

No surprise that the COVID 19 is seeing a spike in a good portion of the states that have decided to open back up. Not sure if its protest related but they certainly don’t help contain the virus. The world is kind of a huge mess right now. With the protesting and reform needed for policing, being in the middle of a pandemic and having an ass hat in charge of it all. It’s kind of like were fucked and not in a good way. I just hope that this too shall pass, we can see positive changes and get a remedy for the virus. I think that it would make a lot of folks happy to be able to go back to some state of normal. I for one would love to stop having to worry about putting on a mask. It’s annoying, uncomfortable and looks odd. I keep telling myself this is a very bad dream and I am going to wake up and have some story to tell that no one will ever believe, but sadly I am awake and this is not a dream.

Stay safe, be well and we will talk again soon.

The Weekend Summary

What a weekend!  Friday and a good portion of Saturday were taken up by the Netflix show 13 Reasons Why.  The final season, #4 was released and I of course had to watch it.  The show was interesting to me but it also evoked lots of emotion, especially in the death scenes.  The cast and crew did an amazing job in putting this show together.  It addresses a lot of issues that young people as well as people in general experience.  The show is aimed at young people.  There are plenty of gay characters in the series.  I don’t recall any actual gay sex scenes in season 4 but there were same sex kissing scenes.  Plenty of shirtless guys as well. 

Saturday, I didn’t leave the house at all.  I didn’t go to the basement for any reason.  I spent the bulk of my time in my room with the cats.  I had some difficulty sleeping Friday night and of course as nature would have it [or should I say Gator] I was up at the crack of dawn.  I didn’t get tired until the afternoon came and then I just got to nod off for a short time because my silly phone went off. 

It was lonely but also refreshing in a way just to be here with the cats and doing what I wanted to do.  I got the house as cold or as hot as I wanted, ate junk food and drank way too much diet soda.  I did want to go out and that was the plan but when push came to shove, I just didn’t have the motivation and I thought, you know that is okay. 

I cut my hair again.  It looked like it needed it but really there wasn’t much up there.  Classic case of what you see in the mirror doesn’t reflect reality.  Like body dysmorphia but only in my case hair.  I went a little shorter on the sides.  The back is a complete disaster but it’s plausible and acceptable.  Just a classic round look but the line isn’t necessarily straight, but then again neither am I.  It’s not like I have a job interview or some big public appearance to make, and since I don’t look at the back I don’t care.  When it’s time to go back to the office then I will let a professional take care of my hair.  For the time being it’s just a boy and his clippers.  I’m okay with that. 

Sunday was the day to catch up.  I again had problems sleeping and Marv had me up earlier than I wanted.  I fed the cats and tried to go back to bed but that was futile.  My body knew it was time to be awake so I was awake.  I did get in some cuddle time with Marv.  He licked my arm and hands as if they were spare ribs.  That is classic Marvin!  He’s always done that and it’s one of many things I enjoy about his personality.  He has adjusted to coming up to my chair so that I can pet him or just to hold his paw and comfort him.  He for sure is a daddy’s boy.  The same can be said for Gator but she on the other hand just loves people, but has to get to know you and what you can do for her, then she will worm her way into your heart and never let go. 

I got up eventually and had breakfast.  I was walking with chocolate milk in one hand and a hot sandwich in another to the table, when I stepped on a piece of hardened cat food and it just about brought me to my knees.  It hurt like I stepped on a sharp rock.  Chocolate milk was everywhere it shouldn’t have been but thankfully it was an easy clean up mess.  I wasn’t terribly happy but that’s the way it goes. 

Made it through the grocery store.  They have stopped digital coupons for the last 2 weeks, which is very odd.  I grabbed the mail and my renewal license plate sticker was there.  Came home put away the groceries, sat on the couch with Marv and Gator.  Played on my phone to see what was new on social media and also surfed for porn.  Then it was time to try to take a nap.  My lower back was killing me. 

After said short nap, I awoke and ventured out to the cat food store and to Wendy’s to grab a Chicken Sandwich.  It was every bit as good I thought it would be and more.  I am still dying to try Popeye’s chicken sandwich and eventually we will make that happen.  Got the cat food put away, house cleaned and trash out.  Finishing up on laundry and playing on the PC.

It’s been summer time hot here, even though summer doesn’t officially start until the 20^th.  Were supposed to be cooling down.  My AC has been running more than I want it to.  However, it does keep me comfortable.  I can’t say the same for Gator because she hates cold, despite the fact she has a built-in heater that runs year-round.  She still manages to somehow get cold or chilly and then seeks refuge in my bed under the covers.  I’ll admit when I was watching TV on Saturday it was cold and I got under the covers it felt really good to snuggle up all by myself.  That didn’t last long though she had to be by my side.  Turning on her sleeping pill charm.  Problem is that I give her a little bit of room and the next thing you know she is trying to push me out of my own bed. 

I hope that you had a great weekend.  Here’s hoping that this week is better not only for everyone in general but for the world.  Things are way out of control.  Stay safe and be well.  I will talk with you again soon. 

 

 

The beat goes on….

In knowing my late friend, I know that she would encourage me to keep going on, no matter what. I won’t see her occasional comments, perhaps there will be others and perhaps not. Still it’s about putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward as painful or difficult as it might be. This [blogging] is therapeutic to me and it’s been an outlet for me for many years, so in as much as I may be helping others, I am helping myself. I guess you could say two birds – one stone.

The truth is that I have and always will struggle with death. It’s so final and there is no appeal, no coming back from it. Once you die that is it. People that care are sad, they try to bring comfort to those left behind. That is the sole purpose of a funeral, it’s for the living not for the dead. However, it seems to honor one’s life as a final tribute. Many people recall memories both good & bad. Some people ponder many what if thoughts. Other people look for someone to blame for the death, perhaps a doctor, nurse, police officer, or EMS person. In some cases, blame is appropriate but in most it is not, it simply was the persons time regardless of the circumstances. Many people have thoughts on what happens to a person after they die. The most common thought is that we go to heaven to be with family & friends that have gone before us, provided of course we were good people and, in some cases, we were free of sin. Others think that when the lights go out that is it, the show is over and nothing happens. That is to say there is no God, no Jesus, no savior of any kind. It is true that no one that has died, has come back to life to tell anyone what happened or how life continued on for them. Some people think they can communicate with the dead through a medium or a psychic and they take whatever is said as gospel. None of us will ever know what truly happens, until it is our time. Until then people will continue to speculate and wonder.

Regardless of what you believe, the fact remains that death is a finality that we will all face. I do wish that there was an afterlife as depicted in Amazon’s series Upload, that would be of great comfort to be able to see, hear and talk with someone who has died. Maybe medical science will be able to resurrect people someday, speaking of people who are frozen but I think that might be taking things a bit far. There have been many things happen in this world that a lot of us didn’t think would come to pass, so I won’t rule it out of the realm of possibility but I will express serious doubt.

The thing that I struggle with as it relates to death is the finality of it all. The void it leaves in your world, how it changes your world and you have to adapt to a new normal. Some people can do that and others can’t. I think that is why in many cases when a spouse passes away it’s a short time later that the other spouse passes. The other feeling is the loneliness, that feeling is really difficult to overcome.

It’s not a secret that if it wasn’t for the cats that I would welcome death. My reason for living died 6 years ago. In the present moment outside of the cats there really isn’t anyone in my life that I am interested in sticking around for. However, I am still here. My belief is that when your purpose for living – mission if you will is fulfilled you die. You may or may not know what your true life’s mission is but I believe everyone has one. As for an after life or God, I am on the fence and have serious conflicts. I was raised Catholic but converted to Protestant. I know my late spouse believed deeply in God and for sure if there is a heaven, I know he is there. He was one of those people that was right 99.99% of the time and people didn’t like to believe what he would say but what he said usually came to pass. That said I was raised and he taught me as well to think for myself and form my own set of beliefs.

What’s the point of all of this rambling? Very good question. The answer is just to let off some steam and express myself. I miss my family. I don’t have many people in this world that I call friend but those that I do, I treasure because they are so rare. I need more true friends, I need to be more active, I need to find a man and yes to get laid. I think all of those things would help to change my world and give me a reason to go on, long after my two cats leave me. I hope that each and everyone of those things does happen prior to their passing.

Thursday, I received a notification that the gift basket I sent was delivered. I had some concerns over the delivery address as well as wanting to express sympathy to her husband. I called and spoke with him. He is older and initially thought I might have been trying to sell something. Once I explained myself, he went out to the front porch and found my gift basket. I was relieved that it was in fact delivered. It was a short conversation but it was enough to leave me sad and tearing up again. I was depressed by it, but something at work cropped up and that got my mind off of it.

I have actually kept myself from blogging to pay tribute to my friend. Then I started making excuses and keeping busy so that I wouldn’t have time. Sitting here 1 day later I have wanted to make a post all day long but work has kept me busy. I started watching the final season of 13 Reasons Why on Netflix. It just started eating at me. I had to put something together, so here it is.

Oprah said that two things everyone wants and needs is to be validated and accepted. That is a 100% accurate statement. That is in fact what I am searching for but not just here in life in general as well.

Is anyone out there?

I have been apprehensive about continuing to make posts since learning of my regular readers passing. I really wish that we had met in person. I feel bad that this all happened suddenly and I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye.

The larger question for me is … I am truly wondering if anyone is remotely interested in what I have to say or wants to continue to read my blathering. Obviously, the final decision is mine but it would be most helpful if you would leave a comment and let me know. I am big on privacy, which is why comment restrictions are in place. If you don’t want your comment published, let me know and I will respect your privacy.