The End

It is with profound sadness that I regretfully inform you that my cat passed away this afternoon. 

The tumor had grown and was pushing her mouth open a slight bit, she camouflaged it very well from me.  She was quite self conscious, I guess vanity meant a lot to her.  Given the fact of the tumor, her body was telling her eat, your hungry so she expressed and interest in food and never missed a feeding time, scheduled or impromptu.  However, her brain was telling her if you eat you will choke.  So she went with her natural instincts and therefore, stopped eating.  The steroid shot worked the first time but unfortunately that was a one time deal.  I learned this after asking about an appetite stimulant and was told that wouldn’t have any affect on her situation. 

I started second guessing myself yesterday and wondering if I gave her the shot wrong but I know deep down that wasn’t the case.  She did let me give her fluids yesterday, which helped to perk her up a little bit.  I was slightly optimistic that would cause an improvement to her situation but it had no effect other than to hydrate her. 

When we started this journey three weeks ago she was 17 pounds.  Today she was down to 13 pounds.  It kind of hurt a little bit knowing that she lost 4 pounds that quickly.  Food is an integral part of life and when a cat stops eating, things seldom turn out well. 

So it was decision making time.  The first option was to send her home with pain medicine on board and to monitor her.  She would continue to drink water and then in 5 to 7 days after she stopped drinking water she would pass away.  That sounds more like torture.  I just couldn’t do that to her or continue to watch her spiral downward.  It’s been emotionally, psychologically and physically exhausting on me.  I know it took it’s tole on her and that I won’t ever know how she felt or what was going through her mind.  The second option was to part ways and that is what I chose, it was the most humane thing to do while being hard on me.  My job was to ensure that she got the proper medical care and I believe that I fulfilled my duties. 

When I made the appointment on Friday I figured that this would be the end.  You can kind of tell.  She had this look about her that just told me things are getting worse and I’m ready.  She had started sleeping with me, in my room at the foot of my bed.  She was cautious but she stayed put.  I haven’t been sleeping and woke up last night at 2a and she was fast asleep with the rest of her family.  I had told everyone to say their goodbyes to her.  I was happy that the family was together one last night and I did everything possible not to disturb them.  However, momma being the good mother that she is had to check on me.  She also had an upset stomach.  I was in the living room watching TV and eventually went back to bed at 4 or 5 am.  Then Gator started the cat choir and woke me up promptly at 8:30a.  Being sick it felt like I was just hit with a hammer and I didn’t feel good at all.  I didn’t think I could make it through the day let alone to feed them breakfast.  Ruth was sitting patiently waiting for me in the kitchen and started doing her dancing and pacing when I rounded the corner.  I opened a smorgasbord of food and sadly most of it went to waste.  Her family ate but she did not.  She did smell the food, if it passes the smell test the cat will usually eat it.  She was semi-picky and liked things that smelled bad to me but good to her. 

14 years is a long time but also a short time.  I remember that it seems like yesterday that she was born.  I got to watch that and it was an awesome experience.  Today’s experience with death, not awesome at all.  There were problems with the sedation and she was trying to fight it off.  They had to give her a 2nd dose and after a few minutes things got better before the end.  I finally got to rub her belly without her fighting me and I knew that opportunity would present it’s self so why not take advantage of it.  She was sedated but she could still hear me and feel me.  I held her so close and kissed her so many times.  She hit her head from the lights and fell asleep in my arms while the sedation kicked in. 

She was another connection I had to my late partner (husband), that the fact that I tried everything that I could and failed as well as knowing how sweet she was on the inside (as long as you weren’t a threat or didn’t piss her off or try to capture her) made this all the more difficult.  However, she is at peace now and no longer suffering, hungry or slobbering uncontrollably.  I have the hard part of coming to terms with her passing.  The basement here was her domain.  She had an old recliner, two office chairs, a couch and a hiding spot by the treadmill.  I can’t pass by that area of the basement without thinking of her.  It’s hard to fathom the thought that she is gone.  I worry about how the others will cope and adjust.  We will have a new normal to adjust to.  While the others are old for cats, I pray and hope that they will remain healthy for a few more years.  Losing 1 pet is hard enough but losing 2 in the same year is extremely difficult.  I don’t want to deal with anymore death be it a person or an animal for a couple years at a minimum.  There has been way too much death in my life.  Last year losing my mom.  This year losing two pets as well as my friend & former boss.  It’s just way too much to take in and I need a break and time to process it all. 

There will still be more crying ahead for me, tomorrow but I think and hope by Monday that I am all cried out.  I also hope that I feel good enough to go back to work and clean up the shit storm that is waiting for me.  If I don’t feel good enough then I am smart enough to know not to push myself.  Especially since I am so close to the 5 day mark.  After the 5 day mark short term disability kicks in and I get full pay.  If I go back the clock starts all over again.  Right now it would be 2 days without pay which beats starting over and having to lose 5 days.  I have high hopes for myself and think that this is all going to work out.  It won’t be fun but eventually it will be less painful and I will adapt and overcome.

I am so very thankful for the photos, videos and memories that I have.  No one can take my memories away and that gives me solace.  I will never find another cat like her and I am thankful that we got to share the last 14 years together, be it good or bad times.  I will love her as I do all of my animals and even my late spouse until the day I take my last breath.  They all have a very special place in my heart.  While some of them are no longer walking the earth, they live in my heart. 

Thank you so much for your thoughts, well wishes and for stopping by.  I really wish that I had better news to report.  However, I knew deep down when I was told 3 weeks ago that eventually she would pass.  Part of me is thankful that I was given time and talked out of a hasty decision to part ways with her.  That we had some time together and explored options.  Even thought I only bought her a short period of time it gives me comfort to know that I just didn’t give up on her and that I kept my promise.  I am of a rare breed where my word is my bond, if I make you a promise it’s a sure thing. 

I’ll talk with you all again soon.  Thanks again. 

Friday

As for me I am feeling a bit better, still coughing on occasion and my body is still making sinus soup.  I was up most of the night, steroids have me amped up.  I took a muscle relaxer which normally knocks me out but I guess the steroids masked that.  I took my sleeping pill and was out for a couple hours.  Watched TV and watched the kids all sleep in my room.  They are so adorable.  Ruth even climbed up in my bed. 

As for Ruth I can’t say there is much improvement.  I gave her some fluids this morning.  She had a decent knot and I didn’t want to over do things so I wrapped things up and she scurried away.  There was a lot of hissing going on and I did have the gloves on when I captured her.  I had to spike a fresh bag of fluids and am glad that I have them on hand.  It’s one way her brother is helping her even though he’s not here any longer.  So she hid and I supposed napped for the afternoon.  She immerged for lunch and was interested in the food but maybe ate 1 bite.  She didn’t have anything for breakfast.  She had me dancing all over the place and I opened a bunch of food which I wound up throwing away.  I even broke into the baby food again and she wasn’t interested in that. 

I made a vet appointment for tomorrow.  I think it’s going to be her last day.  That is unless by way of some miracle she starts eating again that I can see.  I have watched her consume water tonight which was kind of fun but she didn’t appreciate me watching.  Either I didn’t give the steroid shot right or she has stopped responding to it.  The vet might have another suggestion or trick but I seriously doubt it and I think sadly we have reached the end of the road.

I’ve been thinking about it all day long.  I even wrote an obituary for her on paper to try to deal with some of my feelings.  At supper time is when I broke down, I started talking to her and telling her how I enjoyed getting to know her and that I was blessed to take care of her for 14 years.  She has been quite the pistol to deal with but I know deep down inside there is a sweet girl in there.  I hated to have that conversation with her but it’s necessary for closure.  I really think she understands what I am saying and I think she might be worried herself.  I don’t know if she is in pain or not but I can say for certain she isn’t her normal happy self.  She’s not playing but she does show interest in food which is good.  I just wish she would eat.  I know that even if it’s not tomorrow there will come a point in time where we have to part ways.  Poor girl I feel so bad not only for what is to come but how she feels today.  It really hurts to watch her go through this.  It’s been a couple weeks and it feels like it’s been much longer. 

The good points if tomorrow if her day is that it will be over, she won’t be suffering or in discomfort and I won’t have anything to worry about.  There will be time to grieve before I go back to work.  I just have to hope that everyone else stays healthy which includes me as well. 

Regardless of which way it goes I am eager for closure as this is a true nightmare.  I wish that surgery was an option but I realize that no one lives forever on earth.  I hope that I can make it through this.  I feel oddly numb and being sick and on medication I think is part of it.  Were not scheduled until the afternoon so if she starts eating breakfast I will cancel the appointment. 

Work left me along for the day and my boss is taking my on-call so essentially I am free for the weekend.  This has been a suck ass week and I hope the future is better and brighter not only for me but for the cats as well. 

Thanks for stopping by to get this update.  I am going to get a facial, take a shower and hopefully relax and go to sleep.  I am so bored being cooped up in this house and I have exhausted the content on my DVR, Netflix and Amazon.  I’m ready to run away.  I plan to publish another update tomorrow on how things go good or bad.

Thursday

So I will be out of time off but I got the help that I needed, or so I think.  I saw my doctor today.  It was like a miracle I called and there was 1 open appointment with him which was in an hour.  It was pushing it but I took it.  He gave me the steroids, cough medicine (pills) and an antibiotic.  I wasn’t feel that well when I left his office but once I got my medicine and took the first dose I feel slightly better.  I also feel like I am on fire, which is either a fever or a hot flash a side effect of the steroids.  At least I am not coughing which is a plus.  I still have the sinus soup drainage, he wasn’t keen on that description but I told him if I could get some crackers with it, that it wouldn’t be all bad.  He said that was just wrong. 

My boss understands but I can tell he’s not happy.  He wants to “touch base tomorrow”.  Hey I’m sick deal with it and leave me the fuck alone.  I am not in pay status and as an hourly employee you won’t permit me to work from home so fuck you.

It does get a little worse because my work is stacking up for me but it sounds like they are ramping up to take away our parking benefit, meaning that we would have to pay for our own parking.  It’s around $150 per month and that was sold to us as a perk.  Another one of our offices only works 37.5 hours per week if your going to be “fair” then fucking take that benefit away from them.  Like I said it sounds like they are taking it away but nothing has been said for certain, I am reading into an email that I got.  Yeah I’ve been checking mail it helps keep the old inbox clean but I am not responding to anyone, except for a brief exchange with my boss today. 

So were down to Ruth.  She is still protesting eating but shows interest in food.  I got a steroid injection for her today.  She put up a hell of a fight which tells me that there is still some life left in her.  The shot is in and it’s only been a few hours, no change.  I hope that she perks up tomorrow.  The vet said we can do weekly injections of the steroid.  When there are more bad days than good days that is a sign to part ways with her.  I am actually thinking about doing it on Saturday but it all depends upon how she responds.  I don’t want her to suffer and I might be able to take time off but it will be without pay and that isn’t something that I can afford to do frequently, kind of defeats the purpose of working if you know what I mean. 

Parting ways with a furry friend isn’t easy and in some ways it would be a blessing if she just went on her own but that isn’t likely to happen on my watch.  I think if I give her some fluids that will also help things along but I’m taking it 1 step at a time.  The thing is that she is showing me the sweet side of her personality and that is something that I cherish.  We both always wanted her to open up and trust us more but she has her limits.  I want to rub her belly and comfort her but she isn’t that kind of a cat.  She wants to be around me but not necessarily being touched by me.  In one way parting ways would bring an end to the rollercoaster ride that we have all been on but it’s also a permanent solution that isn’t reversible.  It’s a decision that I will have to live with for the rest of my life and it’s not one that I want to rush into, I mean I could have and tried to but was talked out of it.  I’m grateful for that but the next time I tell them I’m ready they aren’t going to be second guessing me they are going to do it, take my money and move on.  I’m really struggling with this decision it’s heart wrenching and I’m trying to make sure that I give her enough time to make sure that I don’t make any moves prematurely. 

I’ve decided that I am probably going to use the funeral home that offered me a deal and just get her back in a plastic bag.  I’ll put her in her big brothers urn and then get a new plaque made.  It’s a way to save money.  If you think there is money in healthcare and pet care your right but there is way more money in the death business.  It’s a little more than $200 to put her down and then if I went with what I have traditionally done it’s another $200 for cremation and the urn.  I can save that money and pay around $80 by doing it the way I just mentioned.  Money is tight and getting tighter.

Funny thing is that the first of the month paycheck has breathing room where I have actual money left over after I pay the bills.  The mid month paycheck has very little room with very little money left after I pay the bills.  I need that fucking promotion bad and I don’t need them to stick me with a parking bill.  I also need to be a little less intense and hyper focused at work and relax.  However this merger thing is a big deal and I can already tell you there will be a hiccup on day one but that’s the way the cookie crumbles, I’ll deal with it next week.  Monday will be a real shit show and I will be on fire but hey at least I won’t be on call.  That’s the other thing since I have called in someone has to cover for me, I legally can’t be on-call since I am hourly. 

Well I am sick of TV, I have nothing good to eat, I am sick of soda and water both.  It’s time for a muscle relaxer my upper back is killing me and more antibiotics.  Then chill with the kids and eventually I will fall asleep.  Sleeping is difficult with a cough and it’s pretty exhausting.  I wish all of my problems would just go away and leave me alone for a year or better.  However, that’s not how life works but I can still wish it did. 

Next update hopefully tomorrow if I feel like it, otherwise it will be the weekend.  I hope all is well in your neck of the woods.  Take care and thanks for stopping by.

Another sick one

Ever have a problem and wonder what else could possibly go wrong?  Sure we all do, I think it’s only natural.

Well as if it’s not bad enough having a sick/dying cat, I am now sick as well.  I have Bronchitis.  It started yesterday and progressed enough that I stayed home today.  I wound up in the ER and I opted for close care rather than driving the extra mile like I should have.  Well I got prescribed exactly the same medicine that I am already taking.  It’s as if the doctor didn’t bother to read the list of medications I brought.  I wanted to bounce back fast and was hoping for some steroids and an antibiotic.  However, that isn’t what I walked away with. 

I have a message into my doctor to see about getting what I want but I don’t know that I will get a timely response.  I know my body better than anyone else on this earth, after all I have been trapped in it for 47 years.  If I don’t know it then no one does.

From the paperwork from the emergency room they say that Bronchitis is viral but yet it talks about an infection.  Their paperwork says that antibiotics are counter indicated and won’t help at all.  I disagree because I have had it before and the last time antibiotics worked.  I’m on the verge of this turning into Pneumonia and if that happens I will really be out for the count. 

You might think I am being a bit dramatic but again I know my body and I’ve been down this road before.  It’s not fun or pretty.  Now I could rob medication from poor Marvin (he’s on steroids) but that isn’t fair to him.  He still wouldn’t run out for a while but I feel like that would just make things worse. 

My time off bank is down to 2 days and it looks like I may be out tomorrow.  I am debating if I want to use a virtual doc service but that will cost me money.  Oddly enough the Emergency Room is totally free.  I could also go the extra mile and check in to another ER but that would be more time wasted.  I am most comfortable here at home.  I’m pounding the fluids, mostly water and some soda like crazy.  That is helping, maybe I won’t feel nearly as bad as I do today, tomorrow.  However, when I lay down that is when the coughing fits start and there telling me that I could be coughing for a month before it goes away.  That is just fucking unbelievable.

While I was out today I stopped by the vet and it turns out the vets that I trust (2 of them) were out of the office today.  I was told one of them would be in at all times this week.  Why lie, I mean if you get a day off tell me.  Poor Ruth is playing me she won’t eat when I am looking or watching.  When I am not watching she does eat some.  So things aren’t as dire as I believe they are.  Right now I am giving though to letting her go over the weekend.  I should hopefully hear from the vet by Friday.  The receptionist tried to talk me into making an appointment and I told her the next time we come here I probably won’t be leaving with her.  The cunt (receptionist) was super unhelpful and wouldn’t even so much as check with another doctor.  I pay a shit ton of money to this place and I feel like they are railroading me out of my money.  For now I am keeping my cool and walking away but given that I am sick and also dealing with Ruth it won’t take much for me to blow.

The over all large problem here is I am either at work focusing on trying to get things done by a deadline or I am focused on Ruth.  I don’t take anytime for myself and in running so hard for so long I have made myself sick.  So now I will pay the price for that.  That price is that I won’t be much good to anyone but I am still going to try. 

What I need is for Ruth to eat semi-normal again, for my body to heal and this cough to dry up quickly, the fever to go away and life to just slow down.  I can’t say that is going to happen but it at least feels good to type it out. 

It’s pretty sad when I can’t even remember the day of the week we are on because one day blends into the next.  I know it’s the work week and not the weekend so at least I have that going for me.  To say that I am unhappy with my life right now is an understatement.  I know that Ruth is going to die, it’s just a question of when and I am having a very tough time coming to grips with that.  You’d think that after I have been down this road so many times it would be easier but it gets harder and harder.  Here’s hoping that I can catch a break soon. 

  

Status Quo

No real changes to report.  Ruth is still eating it does take a little bit of opening cans but she dives in.  I saw her drink water again last night.  She is going to the bathroom.  I haven’t heard her play but she does still flock to me for attention and lets me walk up to her and pet her without any protest.  I can tell she feels better but I think she also understands that this is short term.

I heard back from the vet and they are willing to let me give her injections as long as it is helping her, so that will significantly reduce my cost.  The steroid I think is the real hero here, it’s not supposed to be helping but it is.  I can’t say one way or another if it shrunk the tumor/mass in her mouth but I can tell you that she is still attacking dry food and that is something that she wasn’t doing before.  She loves dry food as does everyone else here but it’s an irritant to her mouth so he tends to only eat a little bit.  She shakes her head as well after she is done eating. 

As long as she is happy, eating and acting semi-normal I see no reason to alter the course of her treatment or make any rash decisions to abruptly end her life. 

Everyone else in the house knows she is getting special treatment and they are jealous, especially Marvin.  Poor guy I think he thinks I abandoned him but that is not the case.  Once and a while 1 cat out of all of them requires some special attention and they have all received it at one time or another.  I focus on the sickest one and then give minor attention to the others, that is just the way it works around here.

I was at Steak N Shake this morning and my waitress said that my demeanor seems to be better so she asked about the cat.  I think I have relaxed for the time being but I know that this is a temporary thing.  It’s nice being able to let your hair down and have life go back to a state of normal, if only for a temporary period of time.  I hope that it doesn’t end but speaking realistically that isn’t going to happen.

Yesterday I treated myself to a bite out.  I got going late in the day but it was a nice day and if I had to do it all over again I think I would do things exactly the same.  I saw a guy who was a waiter that looked very close to one of many porn stars that I like.  He actually interacted with me for a short period of time but I didn’t ask for his number, a date or even hit on him.  I just admired from a far and I’m telling you it was very nice to be able to relax and just think about a man and all of the things I would love to do to him.  The food was good, I got a large sandwich filled with Pork, Turkey, Chicken and Beef on a Brioche Garlic Bun and then topped it with some BBQ Sauce.  It was a very dry sandwich but it was so good I didn’t care, I drank like a fish but since it was Diet Dr. Pepper it didn’t matter.  I opened up the moon roof and let the sunshine in to and from the restaurant.  I used my cruise control and wasn’t in a hurry.  It was just a nice leisurely trip … good times … good food and a good looking guy to admire. 

Since I don’t know what I will face on the weekends I tend to jump when it comes to my chores so I am already ahead of the game, just in case.  There are still a few more things to wrap up and I will get them taken care of but I will also take some additional time for me to lounge with the cats. 

We have good TV on tonight .. 9-1-1, The Circus, Shameless and Last Week Tonight with John Oliver.  So around 7p it shouldn’t be so boring around here.  I am letting my phone battery drain to 0% so hopefully by the time the good TV is on the phone will be on the charger and out of sight.  I like to maximize my relaxation time especially before I jump into a week of on-call.  You know there is going to be a Full Moon and next week will be crazy, it’s just because I am on-call .  That is just how it seems to roll.  It won’t be much longer and it will be time for me to prep next years on-call calendar.  That will be a fun job, not. 

So Gator is upstairs crying her little head off.  I will go up and comfort her and probably wind up eventually napping for a bit.  Then we will roll on with the afternoon.  You know they will all have to have their lunch since I am home.  I don’t mind feeding them so long as they eat it.  Since this whole debacle with Ruth I have been throwing away a lot of uneaten or partially eaten cans of food.  It doesn’t set well with me.  They all enjoy the buffet but even that has it’s limits with them. 

Here’s hoping that the week ahead will be as drama free as possible, more good and surprising positive things will happen for all of us and Ruth will keep on the good path and eat, drink and be her normal self.  We have a day of rain coming up but the temps are supposed to be cooler and more in line with this time of year.  I am anxious for the first hard frost to kill the grass as well as the bugs.  I am not eager to crank on the heat, grab a coat/jacket and break out the long sleeves.  I just want the grass and bugs gone. Talk with you again soon.

Time is expensive

We had our visit with the vet.  I was given two options and chose what I felt was right, given the circumstances.  Ruth was more attentive, vocal and combative on this trip.  That combined with how she has been acting the past two days without food told me the time isn’t right just yet. 

I got to see what is causing all of the problems.  It looks like a small football on the underneath side of her tongue and it’s got a white tab at the end.  That is a result of saliva calcifying.  So it’s understandable why she is having problems, it would bother me as well.  We talked about surgery for a moment.  They would have to sedate her and then check the margins before they cauterized it off.  Thankfully the surgeon on duty today was the other doc that I trust, she took care of Bear for years.  She said that since I can’t give her pain medicine that it wouldn’t be recommended plus it’s very vascular and it would probably bleed for a bit.  She has operated on two cats with the same thing previously and said that it turned into disasters.  It would be the worst possible thing that I could do.  So I took that advice, no surgery for my gal. 

My choices were ….

#1 – Give her some fluids, a small dose of a steroid [in the hopes of shrinking the tumor] and another shot of the long term acting antibiotic.  This would buy us some additional time, probably about a week possibly a little longer.

#2 – Make today her last day.

So obviously I chose # 1.  I got the fluids for free.  I told them I have some at home but given her attitude there is no way I could give them to her.  At least I got something for free, even if it was something small. 

We got home and no more crossed the threshold of the door and she wanted out of that cat carrier.  I thought she was going to gnaw at me but I carefully and quickly opened the door and she bolted like lighting.  She crawled to her hiding spot, which is under the couch.  She stayed there until around 3p when I noticed her in the hallway by my bedroom door.  She was a little more perky.  I know the fluids made her feel better and hopefully the other medicine she got will kick in and she will improve if only for a short time. 

She is back to eating, it’s still small but hey I am not picky.  What she is doing now is an improvement from where she was at.  I have a follow-up appointment booked for Saturday just in case things didn’t improve.  I am pleased with what I am seeing thus far, as long as it continues I will cancel that appointment. 

The next time she goes back to the vet it will probably be her last visit.  I don’t want to continue to ride this emotional teeter totter it’s not something that I can sustain long term.  My life is a mess right now, I am all over the board from an emotional standpoint plus while I know I shouldn’t be concerned I am worried a little bit about my job.  I talked with my boss today and he said not to worry because he feels I don’t take much time off.  Yeah but I try to use my allotment of time or come close to it.  I’ve got 3 days left which is still comfortable but that can fly by in a hurry.  I will have to be careful on how I use what I have left.  I can tell you for sure without a doubt that when she passes if it’s during the week I will need a day.  If it’s on Sunday I will need a Monday.  Otherwise I should be fine.  I hope that when she passes it happens at a more convenient time so that I can save my PTO but hey if I have to use it, I will.  She is my family. 

I’m proud of my girl for being brave and fighting, I think I have proven my love to her and she is well aware of it.  I hope that whatever amount of time we have left together will be spent with love, caring and compassion.  It was a very tough choice and I honestly wanted to let her go today to get it over with.  However, if I did that I would never know if she would bounce back, so I have some peace of mind.  Now I know I will want another miracle to happen next time but looking at this from multiple perspectives I don’t know that it something that will happen.  Timing is a great part of it as well as what her odds would be and how much time I would actually get.  If it’s another week for what I am spending it’s would be costing me more to keep her going than to let her go.  The strange thing is that her and her sister have cost me the least amount of money and have been to the vet the least out of their entire family.  I am watching the others when they lick their lips wrong I shudder and think are they going to get it too?  I am told it’s not transmittable.  I hope all of them are with me for a very long time but facing facts they are older so my time with all of them is limited.  We just have to hope for the best.  It’s times like these that remind me to savor each and every moment with them and that I do. 

On a different subject.  I thought it would be prudent to check with my city to see if they got my recent payment, since I switched banks.  I was shocked when I stopped in and they said nope it’s not here.  I told the bank to send it last Friday.  Well I came home and called, one part of the site said it was sent electronically and the other part said it was sent by a paper payment.  Okay, so thinking maybe it got lost in the mail I wrote a manual check and delivered it myself.  It was a couple hours later when I got a phone call from the city, it showed up in today’s mail.  Well isn’t that just my luck.  I thought as I was taking the payment over that I should just be patient but I dismissed that because I wanted to deal with the situation to know for sure that it was addressed and not lingering.  Where I live apparently they have been stiffed on Water, Sewer & Trash bills so if your account falls past due they shut service off immediately.  There is no warning and no waiting.  So they offered me one of the checks back but I told them to apply both of them, I would rather have a credit balance, I know it will come in handy to help defer or defray the cost next month. 

Today must be my lucky day because when I got back from taking the payment up, the grass cutters showed up.  I was coming home to call that joker but thankfully I didn’t have to.  Now he screwed himself because he should have cut twice this month but since he doesn’t know how to use a calendar he shouldn’t be back until next month, which means I get to pay a little less this month.  He is due to come back twice in October and then we are done.  Now I may need cutting done after our end date, at which point I would sooner reach out to my brother than call this guy.  However, he is so absent minded he might actually cut which would be fine with me.  Last year I felt sorry for him and gave him extra money.  This year if he cuts past the contract date I will consider it a donation of his services for all of the times he has fucked me over this year and I won’t pay him a penny.  Contractually I wouldn’t be obligated and I would make him sue me to recover his money, it’s small change and not worth it.  I’d actually love for circumstances to present like that it would make me feel good.  However, as long as he honors his present commitment then I am fine and were done forever.  I will worry about finding a replacement next year, which as I type this you and I both know it will be here so fast. 

So baring any unforeseen emergencies I will be crawling out of bed a little before 6a and making my way to the office.  Where I hope that I will be left alone so that I can finish up the large task I am working on before I get to move to another large and past due task.  Timing is everything.  Last time I was out for a day I had 150 messages and reduced that to 50 messages which turned to 25 messages and presto I am all caught up.  I have no idea what I will be walking into and frankly don’t care.  I will deal with it and do my best but I can’t say that I will go above and beyond because while I am told it’s appreciated right now I am not feeling it.  I mean how hard would it have been for my boss to say why don’t you work from home for the rest of the day?  I mean offer it help me out, since you said your there for me.  Your there for me but to a limit and when we reach that limit you will run over me like a loose dog on the freeway.  Don’t get me wrong I am thankful to have a job, especially when so many other people are losing their jobs.  We have had a lot of lay offs in my general geographical area and there are more coming, it’s sad and depressing.  Remember that people have emotions, business has no emotion it’s purely driven by money. 

Well on to the rest of my evening.  I have a large knot in my back that I need to work on trying to get rid of.  Heat hasn’t done the trick and napping didn’t help either. 

TGIF tomorrow!  What a week.  Next week I will be on-call and not looking forward to that given my Ruth situation but I know I will make it. 

Riding on tomorrow

Ruth’s appetite has gone south and I don’t know if it’s coming back.  She is still interested in food and up until this morning I could at least get her to nibble on some baby food.  Now she won’t even do that.  She just wants attention.  She seems way too perky to be dying.  I think what ever is in her mouth is in the way enough that it’s either uncomfortable or she lacks confidence that she can eat.  I certainly hope that whatever it is hasn’t grown because that wouldn’t be good. 

I made an appointment to see the vet that I want to see bright and early in the morning.  I figure that if I get bad news and she passes I will at least have the rest of the day to cope and come to terms with it.  If however, she can be fixed then I will happily go to work for the afternoon.  It sounds silly but I am short on PTO and honestly I would rather be at work than home. 

I find that my mind has turned to mush.  I paid the wrong credit card at the bank, thankfully I just called them and they transferred the payment from one account to the other.  I caught that this morning when I got a payment confirmation.  I wonder what other mistakes I have made?  Thus far I haven’t come across any and hopefully I won’t.  Stress and lack of concentration on what I am doing is why things like this happen. 

I really wish I had someone to hug.  Still my so called friends have yet to call and check on how my girl is doing or for that matter how I am doing.  I am not happy about that.  When their animals were sick I called them. 

Fingers crossed for good news tomorrow.  Based on how she is acting tonight I am not ready to give up but hey if it’s time then so be it.  I know I need this to end for both her sake and my sake.  I can’t keep riding the rollercoaster I am getting too nauseated and I want off.  I want my cat back to normal but we don’t always get what we want in life. 

Hungry Hippo

My Ruth is like an old lawn mower, you have to pull & tug but once you get it/her started they get the job done.  That is the way it’s been with her food lately, I put out several cans of food, eventually one of them tickles her fancy and she starts.  Then she goes to another plate.  Initially she was packing it away now she is backing off a bit.  I saw her drink water last night for the first time in a couple weeks.  I figured well that is a good sign.  Sunday night she played with her ball and made sure everyone knew about it.

As I listen to hear moan and yell at the ball I kept thinking gosh I am really going to miss that sound.  I keep praying but tonight thus far she hasn’t and won’t eat anything.  She is back to drooling and she really could use a bath.  There is no way in the world I can clean her up, she about took off my finger when I tried to wipe away some drool thinking that I was after her. 

She is asking and getting attention, all kind of back scratching and petting.  She still grooms herself but this mouth issue really has things messed up.  I am disappointed but I haven’t yet given up.  I still have baby food to try and I think if I sit idle she will hopefully show me that she is still hungry. 

If she misses a meal I am not rushing to the vet, but if were at 2 or 3 meals well then I almost have a duty to take her back.  I don’t want her to suffer with pain or discomfort, the situation is bad enough as it is already.  I really hope that if we do have to go back that I can see the doc that I want to see and that I get some better news.  However, my hopes aren’t up. 

Until it’s obvious that this is a lost cause I won’t give up, that is not who I am or what I am about.  I may in the end have to admit defeat and let her pass but know that it won’t be because I threw up my hands.  Right now she is my world, I know I still have the others and everyone is craving attention, again they know something is up but they can’t tell me in a language I can understand. 

Here’s hoping that things will get better and that my prayers aren’t for not. 

In other news….

Work is super busy and stressful.  The dumb ass hasn’t shown up to cut my grass and were on week #3.  I have sent an email, gotten no response. I sent a text message today in the hopes of pushing him along.  However, no luck.  So I guess my last option is to wait until Thursday and see if he comes by.  If not then were going to have a BIG problem.  I’ve been gentle but firm, the gentle part will go away and he will see who I really am … a big bad rabid bear, I don’t want to be that guy but hey if you leave me no choice then I will be that guy.  I honestly don’t need any additional problems or stress right now.  Dealing with Ruth and work is enough.  Ruth is actually more exhausting than work. 

Hope all is well in your world.  I’ve got to run to see if I can convince the little monster to eat. 

Sunday

The patient is doing okay.  I went up a short time ago to shave & shower, I found her sitting on the couch with her mom.  I stopped to pet her and she was most appreciative.  I said the magic word, supper and she perked right up.  Getting her to eat is 1/2 of the battle here.  I put out 3 cans of food she turns her nose up at 2 of them, the other one her brother is chowing on so she stands and looks all cute at me like what about me?  That’s when I start opening more food.  Tonight it was 5 cans total.  Something with gravy got her started and then she was rolling, eating a bit from this plate and then on to the next plate.  Part of this is her illness and part of it is just her personality make up.  I’ve gone through this many times with her but right now food is so critical and she knows how to play me, so why not be opportunistic and see how much food you can get from daddy? 

I got in a back scratch which she enjoyed and hopefully she will be bothering me while I am watching TV for attention, I will gladly give her most anything she wants.  I keep telling her that I love her and how worried and sorry I am.  I think she understands.  She is still drooling but it’s also still clear.  I haven’t seen her drink any water or use the bathroom.  She did stare at the water fountain for a minute. 

Going back to work tomorrow will be difficult but I have enough things backed up that I won’t have too much time to focus on her.  Were down to 2 weeks with about 40 people to start at the beginning of the month and I am the poor bastard that has to set them all up.  Plus I have a monthly report that I need to do for last month, it’s always for the prior month.  Normally by now it’s done or at least about done, I haven’t even started on it.  So see there is plenty for me to freak out about and it will keep me busy.

One of the guys I have a crush on in another office will be coming in for the merger but I don’t know that I will ever get to see him in person.  I of course want to eye him up and down and just take it all in.  He’s straight and lives more than 3 hours away from me, plus he’s got no idea that I am interested in him.

So other than Ruth, it’s been a normal day here and I have been ahead of schedule so there was plenty of time for a nap (which I shouldn’t have taken).  I picked up some Belvita biscuits, I have heard of them but never tried them.  I hope it’s similar to my experience with Nutella which was enjoyable.  I’ll be having them with my oatmeal tomorrow morning.  There cinnamon and brown sugar flavor and I will be eating cinnamon oatmeal so it should pair up well. 

My doctor will be happy with me while my sugar may not be under control I do see a decline in my weight.  Part of that is in part because of Ruth and depression.  I picked up a bunch of junk food and while I normally wish for it to be around, now that it’s here at this moment I don’t want any of it.  That’s not to say it’s going to go to waste because it won’t.  Cookies, Ice Cream, Mini Brownies and Crumb Cake. 

So my on-line dating experience hasn’t gotten any better.  No matches just yet I do see several people I am attracted to but I just don’t think the time is right.  My subscription that I paid for will be ending next month.  I know that app will be off of my phone and I won’t continue on with them.  However, I am kind of on the fence about Tinder.  I may just stop all together because it’s time for a break.  I mean people will be traveling for the holidays and I don’t want to fall for someone who is only in town for a short time.  I need a regular guy that is in the area and will be here for the most part. 

I’ve got my on-going battle with the lawn person, he missed cutting on Friday.  We have had a lot of rain and my yard is seriously over grown.  Not to mention that my city just published a notice that they are going to start cracking down more on people who have unsightly yards and high grass/weeds.  I looked it up last night in our local code and the fine for this is $750 and if things get real bad you can also get 6 months in jail.  I only have 1 more month with this joker so if he can get his shit together and come cut now and then stay on task for the rest of this month and all of next month, were done.  I won’t be doing any further business with him, he has sealed his fate.  Trying to find someone mid-season and/or at the end of the season is rough, I would just as soon start fresh next year.  Plus my bushes need to be trimmed.  My brother said he would help but that I would have to pitch in, hey I am not a manual labor kind of guy, why do you think I hire this stuff out it’s not because I need a way to spend my money. 

So if we can keep Ruth under control and stay away from the vet, keep my stress level in check and not have me burst a blood vessel then I think it will be a good week.  That’s what I am hoping for a good week with low stress.  I’m going to do some surfing on the computer and then it will be time to hike upstairs prepare for tomorrow and become a couch potato.  My new glasses are on order so around 2 weeks from now I have that to look forward to. 

Thanks for stopping by and reading this.  I am still kind of in shock that neither one of my friends has reached out to check on Ruth or me.  Normally at least one of them would call me but I guess because I want them to call it’s acting as a repellant.  Still kind of wish I had someone to hug and with the knots in my back a massage would be good as well.  Guess it will be me and my vibrator, I mean back massager. 

One last thing, I have to wake up earlier because they closed one of the major bridges in the area and another one is under construction with reduced lanes.  The commute as of late has sucked.  With out traffic and if I did the speed limit work is about 45 minute away.  With normal morning traffic plan on an hour.  I have been spending an hour and a half or longer on just getting in.  Going home doesn’t seem to have gotten all that bad but going in really sucks.  Just makes me want to work from home even more.  I shave 10 minutes off my sleeping time and run around like a mad man trying not to spend too much time on any one task but knowing that I need to get them all done.  The one thing I can’t control is medicine with the cats, Marv is either quick and easy or long and difficult.  Where is my jet pack when I need it most?  I’d settle for a helicopter.  I have thought about going back to mass transit but that would also require me to walk a good 4 blocks to and from work, not something that I really want to do.

Here’s hoping that the week ahead is a pleasant one not only for me and my furry friends but for you and everyone else stuck here on planet earth.  Oh, if your in the US they are testing a cellular warning system on Thursday it’s a presidential alert.  You can’t opt out of it, if you have a cell phone or are around anyone with a cell phone it will be going off, so you have that too look forward to.  I just found out about it this afternoon.  <<buzz … buzz>>. 

Worrying away, it’s what I do best

This morning Ruth was pretty much her normal self.  I passed out breakfast after playing food roulette I passed out something that she liked and would eat.  A couple hours went by and I went back to the kitchen, all of the cats thought it was lunch time but it wasn’t.  Still right now I want Ruth to eat, so I passed out more food.  She ate again. 

Supper time tonight and no matter what I put out she wouldn’t eat.  Eventually I gave up after opening like 5 cans of food.  She was patient like a cat is and waited thinking that she could get me to open even more food but that didn’t pay off.  Eventually she started eating but it wasn’t until the rest of her family was done.  She is doing a good job scaring me and keeping me on edge.  I so wanted to take her back today and just get this over with but that didn’t happen. 

She is still drooling, it’s small amounts and it’s clear but it’s present.  That is a sign of the cancer.  I do think that she feels better than she did last week at this time but I do not think we are out of the woods.  So Monday will mark 1 week.  She has 1 additional week to go until the antibiotic wears off.  I will monitor her but I think that next weekend we will be going back to the vet, if only for a check up and 2nd opinion.  I’d love to see this mass in her mouth but there is no way she will show it to me.  She actually hissed at me tonight because she misinterpreted my intentions. 

I did get to scratch her back, her neck and even under her chin.  She hasn’t played today but she did sleep in my room with the rest of her family.  I am extending that invitation to her again tonight. 

I had to get away from it all today.  So I went for pizza close to an hour away.  The cute guy that used to work there quit, but I knew that months ago.  The pizza was really good but they didn’t cut it well enough.  While I was waiting for the pizza to come I was over ridden with feelings of anxiousness, fear and worry.  All I could think about was Ruth and what is probably going to be the dreaded outcome.  I was over it and then in a flash it all came back.  I kind of think it’s cruel to her as well as to me to let this linger and pretend that everything is okay.  It’s not okay, I am likely going to have to pull the trigger and bring an end to her life which is slowing killing me inside. 

Right now if you offered me the jackpot on the lottery or the chance to have my babies for a couple more years, I’d take the time with them.  It’s possible that I could win the jackpot again but you can’t replace a person or an animal, each is unique like a snowflake and there are no duplicates even with identical twins, they each have their own personality.  That is what makes an animal special in my eyes is their personality.  I wouldn’t want another cat like Ruth just because she is difficult to deal with and it’s all about drama.  I like low key, sweet and snuggly.  Provided that things pan out to be that she passes away sooner rather than later, I am concerned as to what impact that will have on her family.  Ruth her sister and mother are all very close.  I know they will be looking for her and wondering where she is.  Marv probably won’t miss her just because she is hell on wheels and she has him whipped. 

You know I really wish one of my so called friends would have called to check up on her or for that matter check up on me but it’s radio silence here.  I am disappointed but you watch when I am trying to watch TV tomorrow night some bastard will ring me and ask how is it going.  I mean even the vet hasn’t called and if they were so concerned about me and Ruth you would think they would have reached out. 

I’m extra depressed right now and could just use a hug, even from a complete stranger it would feel so good.  On the way to work on Thursday I saw a sign on the back of a tow truck it said “Everything will be alright”.  Yeah then I go for Chinese food and my fortune says “ Time heals all wounds.  Keep your chin up.” I know in the end that once this is over things will be okay, until the next cat gets sick and I have to go through this all over again.  I kind of feel like this is my fault because I was wishing they would all go so that I could sell the house and move on with my life.  However, I’m sure that thought had nothing to do with what has occurred.  It’s just a coincidence.  If only I really believed that. 

I’m ready to wake up and find that this is all a bad dream but problem is I am already awake and it’s not a dream.  Having extra idle time on my hands doesn’t help because I can’t help but think of her.  She has yet to express that she is in pain and thus she hasn’t been getting any pain medicine.  I know she doesn’t want me to know exactly how bad things are but I already do, she isn’t fooling me. 

I went for cat food and normally it’s $20 to $30 per week I dropped $45 this week because I was trying to accommodate her finicky appetite.  Hopefully, I have the right kind of food that is appealing to her.  My cabinet is stuffed to the gills with cat food.  I know it won’t go to waste.  I will also pick up some baby food for her tomorrow because I know that she will eat it.  I am really doing all that I can and in my mind it’s simply not enough.  What I want to accomplish here is to resolve the problem without her passing away, that probably isn’t going to happen.  I know that I can take comfort in the fact that I have made her so comfortable and she has had a wide variety of food for her picky pallet.  She is loved more than she knows and I cherish every second I have with her and her family because I know that eventually they will all leave me and then I will truly be alone.  I want this over with but again it’s a patience thing. 

Here’s hope that this week is better than last week for both Ruth and I. 

My Baby Ruth

If you have been reading my blog for a long time, your quite familiar with the cat that I have to put welding gloves on every six weeks to trim her claws.  Well that’s my baby Ruth but her given name is Ruthie.  I prefer to shorten it to Ruth because I think it sounds better, just a personal preference I have.  She responds to both, which I guess is good. 

So, Ms. Ruth had some issues a week or so ago where there was yellow on her whiskers and I thought something bit her, it looked to be inflamed.  Turns out this week I found out what that something is.  There is actually a mass under her tongue that appears to be cancer.  It’s infected which is what all of that yellow is.  The outcome is grim as most all cats that get this diagnosis die in a short period of time.  It likes to attack the mouth and a lot of cats get it on their jaws.  Radiation and Chemotherapy are not options because this type of cancer doesn’t respond to them.  Steroids don’t work either.  This diagnosis comes without any cytology which is lab work.  In other words this was diagnosed by sight and there is no scientific evidence to support the diagnosis.  I was also told that this is in a spot where it’s inoperable.  Given that I was ready to bring and end to this but I was seeing a new vet, she thought it would put me over the edge so she talked me out of doing that and instead tried to send me home with $50 worth of narcotic pain medicine.  I had to remind her that I had to put on welding gloves to trim her claws I certainly can’t give her medicine.  I took a very small amount and reduced the cost to $27.  Still I was on the hook for a no so small bill.  To top things off she called the police because she was certain I would commit suicide.  So after I paid them and left the exam room there were two police officers who wanted to talk with me.  They asked me questions they already had answers to and that just pissed me off so I was a total smart mouth.  They asked me if I would harm myself.  I replied simply with no I have to go to work in the morning.

I was pissed that she over reacted but at the same time it does show that someone cares and that is nice.  Look my life hasn’t been a bed of roses and the last 5 plus years have been more than unkind to me.  However, despite being shit on multiple times and given insurmountable obstacles, I managed to claw and fight my way around them.  It’s been costly, exhausting and made me slightly mentally unstable.  So I think of suicide and I talk about it but I haven’t done it.  I think my reaction is reasonable for anyone who has been through all of the bullshit that I have been through. 

I digress, back to my baby.  To treat the infection she got a shot of a long term acting antibiotic that will last for 2 weeks.  The odd thing about this whole thing is the plan was to knock her out so they could look in her mouth.  I was prepared to pay for it but they tried and were successful in opening her mouth without any sedation, she let them look without fighting.  Now she isn’t vaccinated against Rabies.  I’m happy that she cooperated and saved me some money but at the same time if she would have bit them that would have been my fault because they didn’t do what they said they were going to.  That will help things to shrink So we got this awful news on Monday night.  I took an extra sleeping pill but that didn’t help, I was wired and there was no sleeping.  I think eventually I might have gotten an hour or two at best.  No work for me on Tuesday I took the day off.  I was still very much dealing with the bad news.  I used the internet to find out what I could and well when it comes to medical diagnosis the internet is not your friend, it makes things far worse than what they actually are and causes you to think illogically. 

Tuesday afternoon I went back to the vet and spoke with a doc that I had seen before and really like.  She is not our normal vet but rather a backup.  So I talked with her and this could be a polyp or an abscess.  If it’s a polyp it will stick around but it won’t grow.  If it’s an abscess the antibiotic will help and it will clear up.  If it’s cancer it’s going to stick around and it’s going to grow fast.  She didn’t see it but based on the notes that her colleague left it does sound like cancer.  She said to give it 3 days and that would be a good ballpark for where were at.  I was also told that it’s possible it may be able to be lasered off.  That doesn’t sound cheap but if it’s an option and it will get us out of the woods and I don’t have to take out a 2nd mortgage on my home then I will likely do it. 

The funny thing is Tuesday morning Ruth just looked at me like hi and thanks for taking me to get medical care, I’m starving can you please feed me.  Why do you look so sad?  She was genuinely happy to see me and that in and of it’s self was comforting and heart warming.  

If you think she is mean, your right and if you think she is a fighter again your correct.  I don’t know that this is a battle she will win but she is sure trying.  I have to put out several cans of food for her, so there is a mini smorgasbord of food for everyone.  She is constantly interested in food and that makes her family happy because they get to eat more as well.  She tends to like gravy more these days but she has asked, gotten and eaten her “special food” which is Fish & Shrimp.  I can’t say that I have seen her drink any water but she is eating more than when she wasn’t sick.  I don’t know if this is to help fight off what is ailing her or because she knows her time is limited and she wants to be pampered more than she already was.  I haven’t seen her use the bathroom but she is private like that and tries to do that when I am not around, which is fine.  She plays by herself by batting around foam balls and grabbing them in her mouth and carrying them around the house while meowing and moaning, she took after her mom and it’s really music to my ears.  She has basically returned to her normal self with the exception of the eating thing and every now and then there is some drool on her face. 

This week has been nothing short of an emotional rollercoaster that I want off of and as fast as possible.  So what to do?  Well basically I have to watch her and she will tell me when and/or if it’s time to go back to the vet.  If we have to go back this time it will be to a vet that is familiar with me and that I trust.  The person I spoke with on Tuesday is at the top of that list.  So if this is cancer she will eventually stop eating, the odor in her mouth will be way worse and the mass could erupt and burst which would cause a large amount of blood to come from her mouth.  All of these signs are unpleasant and freak me out.  I was told that if she is normal let her be so that is exactly what I am doing.  She knows she is being treated differently and everyone is on edge here, they all know something is up. 

I really hope this isn’t cancer and that the original diagnosis was incorrect and we have a couple more years to live together.  However, vets like people doctors see cancer all the time and they are usually able to identify it without cytology.  So I think my chances of this not being cancer are very slim.  Ruth is on my mind constantly and I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

I wanted to cry on Monday night when we got home but my body wouldn’t let me.  I was still very much processing this.  By Tuesday afternoon after I had my talk with the next vet that put me over the edge and I cracked.  It felt really good to get it out of my system.  I’ve been fine ever since.  I really wish in this time that I had someone to physically and emotionally lean on, someone that I could see and touch in person that would help comfort me.  However, I don’t have that luxury right now.  If I could plan the death order of my cats I would certainly have Ruth go before her mother.  She is her mothers shadow and if something happened to her mom I think she would be devastated so much that she would follow with in days to months. 

My PTO bank is very low on days.  I know that if something happens to her and it’s not on a Friday night or Saturday that I will need to take 1 day at minimum.  Then barring me getting ill or bad weather I should be able to tide out the rest of the year hopefully without exhausting my time off.

If this is cancer how much time do I have?  I was told it could be days to weeks to possibly a couple months.  I don’t want her to suffer and/or to linger.  If this isn’t going to get any better and life is only going to get worse for her then I would just as soon as do the hard but humane thing and let her go now.  Regardless of how or when she passes I will still be devastated and heart broken.  However, if this is cancer I will be able to take comfort in the fact that she is no longer suffering and that is peace of mind that you can’t buy. 

This really sucks and I feel so bad not only for myself but for Ruth and her family.  I’m kind of glad that I was talked out of letting her go so quickly but at the same time I hate the waiting game.  I want to know how things are going to turn out today rather than waiting for life to unfold before my eyes.  Deep down I think I am going to lose her but perhaps her outward signs of eating more are lulling me into a false sense of security and thinking things will be okay. 

I am so done with cancer and death, after everything I have been through I deserve a sunny and dry forecast for the foreseeable future.  Too bad life doesn’t work that way.  If she goes I will still have 3 others and the thought of going through death 3 more times sucks.  It doesn’t help that they are all older and I’m told median life for an indoor cat is about 16.  They are 14 and Momma is 15.  There are some cats that live to be 20 but I’m told most of there latter years are not quality years.  I don’t want to part ways with any of them but I’ll be damned if they will suffer, if it’s up to me.  Last time I checked I at least have control of that. 

See that is what is the problem here is I’m not in control and I don’t have patients.  I don’t want to prematurely part ways but at the same time I don’t want to prolong the inevitable.

Stay tuned and we can both see how this turns out.  Right now Momma says it’s past my best time, she is right but it’s Friday night so there is no real bed time. 

Good TV

It’s only been 4 working days this week but it kind of feels like 1 day had 2 days crammed into it.  Lots of work to keep me busy and 2 of the 4 days I sat down and couldn’t believe it was time for lunch and then it was time to go home.  I kind of like those days but I am not a fan of crazy busy.  There is plenty more work waiting for me. 

A decision was made this week to let our office manager go, that was awkward but I knew it would eventually happen.  He just wasn’t that engaged in the office and his job in general.  I still feel bad for him because I know what it’s like to loose your job.  The bills don’t stop and you have to pickup and try to get another job and hope that you land on your feet quickly.  When this was announced to me it was that there would be a departure in the afternoon.  So I was ready, then I got an announcement that an HR person was in our office.  That told me it would be happening in our office.  HR people don’t generally travel unless it’s to fire someone.  Then I thought what if it’s me.  Well I said something to my boss and he came unglued.  He said I count on you and you should have confidence that your doing a good job.  I said I am confident in the effort and work I put forth.  However, stupid decisions are made in business each and every day.  He said oh that would never happen, you have to be on a performance review.  Really tell that to the 41 people that lost their jobs 2 years ago out of the blue because we had a RIF.  I will always be a little paranoid because if I relax and get comfy that is the day I will get fired.  Hey I am still waiting on this fucking supposed promotion. 

As if life couldn’t get any better for me, this week will also be 4 days.  Three 4 day weeks in a row.  Not bad.  I need to take my vehicle in for it’s paint and fabric protection.  Rather than go through that BS about working from home I just put in for a day off.  It was so much easier.  Plus I won’t be watching my work email, I actually turn it off so it never arrives on my phone, until I go back. 

I believe it was Tuesday evening I saw something funny on Ruth’s face.  It looked like she needed a bath.  I didn’t think anything of it, other than it was odd.  So the next day I wake up and that same side is yellow and swollen.  She is still eating but she wouldn’t let me touch it but I could still pet her.  I didn’t want to miss work but I kept thinking if this is an allergic reaction I could come home to a dead cat, not the best thing in the world.  I went to work but I was watching the camera and I saw her a couple times.  I talked to her but she acted like she never heard me.  I gave her some baby food laced with some pain medicine and a steroid.  Problem is she didn’t eat enough of it for it to actually work.  So I let it go and kept an eye on her.  Things are close to back to normal.  I trapped her yesterday and trimmed her claws and put some flea medicine on her.  She seems so much better after 24 hours.  I think she knows I helped her and she is thankful in her own way.  I will of course continue to watch her and if this doesn’t resolve she will get a trip to the vet.  Poor little girl, she is tough.  Cats are the masters of disguise they can be in pain or sick but they don’t want you to know it.  She thinks she is fooling me but that she is not. 

Went out to eat last night at a local Mexican place.  I had a hot stud for a waiter.  The food was good but the sour cream was warm.  I stayed away from that as much as possible but still my stomach was a little upset just from the thought of it.  Paid my bill and left.  The waiter asked me if there was anything else he could get for me, without missing a beat I wanted to say yeah I’ll take your phone number.  But I just responded with a no thank you. 

Marv’s medicine came in the mail, so I am thankful for that.  I also was able to get my 3 month Sudafed prescription refilled in full.  I hate running to the pharmacy it’s like a treadmill that you never get off of.  I like 3 month supplies even though they can cost more it’s worth it not having to go each month to get more medicine.  Now if I could get my sleeping medicine back to 3 month supply that would be better. 

Shameless and Last Week Tonight with John Oliver are both on tonight so I have some good TV to look forward to.  Shameless starts in an hour and it will be by far the best thing outside of a nap that has happened this weekend. 

We had quite the monsoon here and I spent Saturday in bed for the most part.  It was late in the day before I got out and that was just to get the mail and a bite to eat.  I was coming back home and the rain started so I skipped Cat Food shopping for a day.  I just don’t like to shop in the rain unless it’s a necessity.  I know I won’t melt but I will get all wet and once a day in the shower is enough for me. 

I signed up with BACKBLAZE for my home PC backup needs.  I was a Crashplan Home customer but they shifted away from the home market and opted to focus on business.  I originally had plans to follow them until I saw the price and that cured me.  They get you on a monthly subscription plan so it doesn’t seem expensive but when you add it up you see the light.  My term with Crashplan isn’t over until December but the sooner you start with a new provider the sooner your can tell your old provider bye.  There won’t be any refunds.  Originally, Crashplan opted to transition your data to a provider of your choice but now it’s only limited to Carbonite and they too are way expensive.  BACKBLAZE is a simple $50 per month and they backup everything attached to your PC.  So in my case my internal hard drive as well as my external hard drive.  I had a separate hard drive that was secure and formatted in FAT32 instead of NTFS, it didn’t see it.  There was no way to add it. So I migrated that data to the cloud and eliminated the drive from my PC.  It’s off and running, probably in a month it will be done.  Once I know for sure that they have all of my data in place I will wipe out Crashplan. 

It’s been a nice lazy, relaxing weekend that I hate to end but I haven’t been as productive as I wanted to be.  So going back to work is probably the best thing for me. 

Hopefully things are well in your neck of the woods.  Take care of yourself and I will talk with you again soon.  Here’s to a great week ahead.   

Great Weekend

It’s been a great 3 day weekend.  I turned a year older, got together with a friend for a meal, spent time with the furry family and relaxed. 

WORK

That is a nasty 4 letter word if I ever did see one.  Things are starting to heat up and get busy for me.  On-call has been quiet thankfully.  I could use the money but my sanity is much more important.  So I don’t look forward to going back tomorrow but I shall return because I need that money. 

BIRTHDAY

I was cuddling with Marv in bed in the afternoon on Saturday, we were just about to fall asleep and the damn phone rang.  It was a friend of mine so I let it go to voice mail and savored the time with Marv.  I had to put him in my bed because he asked me to.  Never mind not jumping up he still knows his way down. 

I called my friend back when we got up from our nap.  My friend was going to the mother of computer stores Micro Center.  I have always resisted going because I thought for sure I would spend a ton of money.  Well he invited me to go with him as soon as he heard I have never been.  Then we grabbed a bite to eat afterwards.  Turns out I didn’t spend a dime and hey it could be a dating spot.  There were lots of cute guys and the store had everything you could possibly want or need that was electronic or computerized.  We got near the keyboards and man that was temptation city.  There are a couple new Microsoft models out as well as Logitech and while I don’t need them I have this unhealthy obsession with keyboards. 

I got a present in the mail from my brother.  At first I thought it was just a card and then I looked inside and found a gift to dine at Red Lobster.  It’s a small gift but hey it will be put to good use.  I never expected it much less a card.  Mom always had to twist his arm to get him to send me a card.  She would sign it but he wouldn’t.  It’s honestly strange not seeing my mom’s signature, hard to fathom that she is really gone. 

I got a fair number of birthday wishes on FB.  A couple people that I wanted to reach out didn’t but hey life goes on.  This is the big 47 for me.  While it’s still young I feel old and I know that won’t change as I get older.  However, I feel like each year that I gain in age without a man the less likely I am to find him.  I honestly think the key to my happiness is having someone to share life with, to go places and even on vacation with.  Of course sex but there is much more to life than sex. 

GLASSES

Speaking of my birthday I have been fighting with my new glasses.  I kind of feel like they gave me another persons lens’ because there are times when I can’t see shit.  Things are blurry and there is no making them out.  I have to take off my glasses in order to see what I am trying to look at.  One of those things is my phone.  So I stopped by the eye doctor on Saturday and they told me it’s time for a bi-focal.  Normal for someone in their 40’s.  Well it doesn’t feel normal.  Hell glasses don’t feel normal.  Funny thing is I wanted them for a long time because I thought they would make me look cool and now that I have them I want to throw them away.  So I am looking at new lens’ as well as a new frame because this frame is uncomfortable.  Sort of like De Javu didn’t we just do this last year?  I have to wait 2 weeks for the frame I want to come in and then try it on and if I like it then another 2 weeks to get the actual pair of glasses so a month away and it will cost me around $187 more.  So not happy with this.  But I told them once we get this right I am never doing this again unless it’s absolutely necessary.  I feel like it’s throwing away my money for wearing a pair for a year and then scrapping them and doing it all over again.  I take very good care of them so all but the last pair don’t show any signs of wear & tear.

CATS

So time away from work for me means no medicine for the cats.  Marv is back to solid stool and he has no idea what to do.  It’s a short lived issue.  He’s going back on medicine tonight and everything will change. 

I found a pharmacy on-line that will compound the antibiotic that he takes.  It’s still not cheap but it beats what my vet charges for tablets that are already made.  I placed an order and they will be reaching out to the vet for a prescription. I should have it hopefully by Saturday if all goes well. 

Ruth looked funny when I got home on Thursday.  Like she had been in a fight.  Everyone else is fine so I knew that wasn’t the case.  She wouldn’t let me touch her except to scratch her back.  She is doing better but she needs some flea medicine and her claws trimmed.  She was due this weekend but because of my birthday I gave us both a present and skipped it.  Next week I think I will be making her some special food that has pain medicine in it to knock her fat ass out.  That should sedate her enough to where I can hopefully do what I want and need to.  The vet gave me the idea I’m not 100% on it just yet but it’s probably going to happen.  She could use a steroid injection as well but that won’t happen unless she goes to the vet and we try to stay away from that place unless it’s absolutely necessary regardless of who the patient is, they are still attached to my finances.

BANK ACCOUNT

So I closed out my long time checking account that I have had for 20 something years.  Turns out it wasn’t until I was past the point of no return that I learned about some unique features they offered.  It’s all done now so no sense in lamenting over it. 

I changed my direct deposit around because they wanted to start charging me fees and I’m allergic to them.  I now get interest, have no minimum balance requirement and am fairly happy.  I get instant notification if my debit card is used and that is super helpful.  I still have a local bank if I need one but I am thinking of switching everything over to just one account. 

I also learned that my house payment is going up, not terribly happy about that but it’s to be expected because taxes are always going up and my homeowner’s went up as well.  It’s insanity but I comply because we all need a roof over our heads. 

PARTING THOUGHTS

Ms. Momma is chirping at me to get upstairs.  I have done all of the work I need to short of getting out their medicine and picking out their food for tomorrow.  However, it will be nice to take some additional time to relax and unwind before I get back into the thick of it. 

Next Sunday is gong to be awesome Shameless is back on Showtime and Last Week Tonight with John Oliver is also back on.  I am so looking forward to this. 

I stepped out today to run some errands and picked up 2 beef burritos, my plan was to eat them together but I opted to save one for tomorrow night.  I also got a single serving of strawberry shortcake.  Man supper tonight was good and I am doing the same thing tomorrow.  I saved 1/2 of the shortcake so there would be left overs. 

There is nothing on TV but at least I will get in some additional time with the kids tonight so I look forward to that and watching the sun set on yet another day.  4 days to work and they are allowing us to wear jeans all week long if we want.  Personally I like dress pants better for the few guys that I’m attracted to at work. 

Finally I grabbed a car wash today.  There was a hottie working the bug spray and I guess I was bit louder than I thought.  I said show me your ass and wow he did.  Fuck it was hot and I enjoyed it.  A clean car and some eye candy well that’s money well spent.  Shame it’s going to rain the rest of the week.  Next time I will look at the weather forecast. 

Here’s to a great week ahead and remember sound travels.