Goodbye October

What a tremulous emotional month.  October was kind of already ruined for me and now with my mom’s passing that just adds more to remember that happened in this month.  I am glad today is the last day of the month and when I start work tomorrow we will be in a new month, a fresh start.  I am so looking forward to Thanksgiving!

Today I stayed in bed a little too long but had fun cuddling and being lazy.  Got my shower and laundry going.  I’ve talked my self out of leaving for Taco Tuesday at a local bar.  I was looking forward to it but today could be a day where I didn’t go anywhere and spent the entire day at home.  So that was appealing to me and I made up my mind.  Now the bigger decision should I have left over pizza or something frozen?  I don’t want Pizza but that’s what I will probably have just to get rid of it. 

Speaking of getting rid of things, I threw out the fresh flowers today.  They were starting to die and it was time for them to go.  I will miss the purple violets but at least I got a nice vase. 

I cleaned the house already and am working on Laundry.  I have a fair number of long sleeve shirts washed and my closet will be a mix of long and short sleeves.  Until the weekend and I can do more laundry then.  I am just tired and want to relax. 

I made a call to a credit union my mom used to have an account at.  I think there is a zero balance but they wouldn’t talk to me over the phone.  They want paperwork.  Dummies asked if I had a power of attorney for financial affairs.  Duh, power of attorneys are null and void upon death.  So now we wait for the death certificate.  I prepared a Small Estates Affidavit.  I will have it checked out for legality and if everything is in order I’ll sign it and get it notarized.  Then this will be a breeze to complete.  I don’t need my brother and can do it all on my own, considering that we each get 50% of what’s left I don’t think of this as a big deal.  I don’t want to make him mad so I’ll tread lightly but once I have the death certificate I want to get this going.  The sooner you start the sooner you finish.  There isn’t much money at stake so far as I know.  What was odd to me with the credit union was I asked if they could tell me if there was or wasn’t a balance and they wouldn’t confirm or deny anything over the phone.  That leads me to believe that there is money there but then again I could be wrong. 

Crazy is how I would describe the last 2 weeks – up and down, but mostly down.  This all was moving slow, then it got faster and now it’s done.  Hard to believe how quickly your expected to just move on with your life.  It’s easier when you have people around you.  Going back to work for me will be the best thing.  However, I wouldn’t object to a couple more days at home. 

I looked ahead and see that all we get for Christmas is Christmas Day and it falls on a Monday.  I am thinking of asking for the day after off, but we shall see.  I am interested in the holiday schedule for 2018.  I also will have several departures to process at the end of the year.  I have some names but not a final list and the last day of the year falls on a Sunday.  How strange is that? 

So now it’s back to normal and trying to pull myself together.  I think I will make it but like everything else in my life it won’t be easy.  Time to feed the children and figure out what is for dinner besides Coke Zero. 

Happy Halloween!

Monday

As you probably already guessed I spent the bulk of the day doing nothing and sleeping.  It felt good but once I got busy and left the house all I wanted to do is come back home and climb back in bed. 

I got my bed clothes through the laundry, let’s hope Gator has an easy tummy so that I don’t have to wash them again anytime soon.  I got all of the bills paid so we can stay another month.  I have a nice surplus of money left to live on, thanks to my overtime so there is something to smile about.  I didn’t get bothered by work today again something to smile about.  I had dinner out and it was okay.  I added 2 more candles to my collection.  You know those things you just have to have!  I also picked up cat litter which is a good thing to have if you have cats. 

I ordered a watch that I admired, damn Facebook advertising.  I also got my Nonda Zus Tire Monitoring Kit, plus more pee pads for the boys.  Everything will be in by Thursday. 

I found a photo of my mom and me together with one of her dogs.  I was much younger and smiling.  Kind of wish I would have had that for the service.  Her oil painting photo is still boxed up.  I have no idea where or even if I want to hang it.  I really wish that I could talk to her now more than ever, just to clear the air.  I know that she loved me and missed me.  I also know what I did was for the best and I didn’t think that she would die before we had a chance to talk again.  Long story short, no matter how ridiculous it sounds when my little voice tells me something I will be listening much closer.  I will be less likely to ignore it.  

The highlight of my day was watching Smokey & The Bandit from start to finish.  It’s been a long time since I did that.  I also got to lay in bed and hold Marvin.  We both enjoyed that. 

I have no desire to return to ‘the real world’ but it’s calling.  Thankfully not too loud because I still have the rest of the evening and all day tomorrow.  That is awesome.  I will try to spend the day on the computer, cleaning and doing laundry.  Then the evening with the children watching TV. 

I did some on-line sleuthing and found my brothers address, which for some reason is a huge secret.  He was supposed to send it to me by text but that didn’t happen.  We are supposed to get together for dinner one night this week, not sure if that will pan out or not.  I wanted to get together today but the bimbo was making dinner for them so that was out.  She wants me to come over and eat her cooking.  Yeah not going to happen.  I don’t trust her and I really don’t like her. 

My friend that bought us dinner after the funeral remarked to me that me and my brother were two different people.  We don’t look alike and we don’t act alike.  Yeah I said white trash and he jumped on that.  I know my brother can do better but a stiff dick doesn’t have a conscious. 

Well I am being herded to get upstairs.  Momma is protesting me being on the computer and if she isn’t happy then no one here is happy.  Cats what can I say they run the place, even though I pay the bills.  It’s probably best to call it a night. 

I am doing okay but still very much processing my mom’s death.  It’s just so hard to comprehend that she is gone.  So much finality when I really don’t want it to be final. 

Exhausted

We had a decent turn out for the funeral.  Most of the people were made up of my brothers’ girlfriends family.  A lot of family from my grandfathers side showed up, that was really nice to re-connect with them.  I saw old co-workers of my moms which was nice. 

We only had 1 server aka alter boy.  He was young, very cute and short.  He did a nice job.  So much so that me and the bimbo thought he deserved extra money, so he got it. 

There was no questions from the priest.  The only flowers that were sent were from my employer and friends that I work with.  The funeral home supplied a single rose.  So not much to worry about.  I got to take what I wanted but I am not big on fresh flowers, because they die and because they are something for the cats to get into. 

Much to my surprise I got the oil painting of my mom.  My brother said he is not big on pictures.  There wasn’t a single photo of me and mom together, it isn’t something that exists unless you count my baby album.  Her and my brother had some pictures. The urns we chose (butterflies) are actually lamps.  I didn’t know that or I would have never picked it.  What’s done is done. 

The thumbprint necklaces won’t be in for 6 weeks and my brother tells me now that he won’t wear it, he isn’t big on jewelry.  For fuck sake I wish he would have spoken up sooner that would have saved me $270.  However, I have the oil painting so I guess it evens out. 

It was a touching service that allowed for proper grief release.  I still feel some guilt but I have determined that no good will come of it, so I moved it to the back burner. 

We gathered at Olive Garden afterwards and it was a hell of a wait both for a table and for our food.  We got free desert because the waitress inquired what we were celebrating.  Not to mention with a large party there was a ton of money spent. 

This all started for us at 10:30 and I wasn’t back home until 4p.  I remarked to my brother when we were done, see what I meant about it taking all day.  He thought it would be a few hours and he would be free to spend the rest of the day, the way he wanted.  Not so. 

I was drained by the time I got home.  I just ate a sandwich, drank a soda, stayed in my room watching TV.  I kept nodding off so I took my sleeping medicine early and called it a night around 8p.  I got a few hours sleep in and then one of the cats woke me up, so I had to watch TV at that point to fall back asleep.

This morning I rolled out of bed at 8a.  Got dressed and headed to the place where I asked the 16 year old out a few weeks back.  He’s still there, his hair is dyed blond and black, he is pasty white and no so appealing especially now that I know his age.  Then I got gas, went grocery shopping and came home.  Turns out I forgot my belt when I left the house.  I had to keep pulling my pants up, which was annoying. 

Then I watched a little TV, watched some porn and it was lights out until around 2p.  I had an idea to grab a pizza.  Got on the interstate and got into a traffic jam.  Decided to for go the place I normally go to and visit an old place in town.  It was okay and I still dropped $$ but it was a nice change of pace. 

Hit up the cat food store, Sam's and came home.  Turns out I over drew my checking account by $1.40.  I fixed that quickly once I saw it.  Talked with my brother and this is really the most time I have spent in front of a computer since I left work on Friday. 

I am grateful that I have two more days to myself.  That will help because I am behind the 8 ball.  The kids know something is wrong but can’t identify what exactly it is.  They are happy I am at home because they can beg for food right now and I’ll give it to them.  I don’t want to listen to any begging. 

I need to go up and try to get ready for bed.  It’s more like relax watch TV and see when I fall asleep.  So the immediate weight is off.  Now we wait for death certificates and the jewelry I purchased.  Then in a couple months we can close out her bank accounts and we should be done.  I’m hoping I get some of the money but I really don’t feel entitled to any.  More later…

The day before

How things change, just last week at this time my mom was still alive and I was working on her Birthday card.  This week I am getting ready for her funeral.  It seems so unreal.  I can’t believe she died at such a young age and so suddenly.  Not that I would have wanted her to have a terminal disease but it would have at least put me on notice that the end was coming, instead of it hitting me over the head like a ton of bricks. 

All of the arrangements are made, now I just have to show up.  The weather here has turned cold and it feels much more like October now.  There is a frost warning out for tonight, so you know that tomorrow won’t be a warm day but at least the sun should be shining. 

I think I will get through this okay, I mean losing my spouse was much more devastating and heart wrenching.  I still am little bit numb.  My concern shifts more to my little brother.  He has plenty of people around him and I think that is good.  Mom and him spent so much time together and have been through so much.  I just worry that he will fall apart. 

We chatted tonight and it sounds like were going to Olive Garden afterwards as a family.  I don’t consider his girlfriend or her family, my family even though they probably will eventually become related through marriage.  I just want to spend time with my brother, enjoy a good meal, remember mom and chat. 

I think my late spouse would be proud of me how I fronted money, even though I couldn’t afford it.  How I responded to the whole thing and the fact that me and my brother are talking again.  I just hope the talking part lasts and isn’t temporary.  It’s a two way street so it remains to be scene. 

Tomorrow will be a difficult day but I am glad that we will be together.  We both always knew this day would come but neither of us can believe it’s actually here and now.

My mind is all over the place, I feel the stress and I easily forget things.  That didn’t start until I came home tonight.  I was fine all day at work, all I really wanted to do is come home.  It was a pretty quiet day as Friday’s go and honestly I would have loved to get out early. 

I got a call from my boss and he said that someone screwed up as he held up a card for me.  We have video phones at work.  Anyway, he said that it would be in and waiting for me when I came back on Wednesday.  I could see that he was pretty upset about the fact that someone fucked up, but it happens.  I am okay with it, I mean if I wasn’t what exactly could I do about it?  Right, nothing. 

The part that really sucked is today would have been my late spouses birthday.  This month I think is forever ruined with all that has happened.  My mom’s passing brought up memories from when my late spouse was passing away, it’s not a good time but I am strong (somehow) and I will make it through this.

I am interested to see what kind of a crowd we have tomorrow.  I’ll be back with another update at some point during the next 4 days. 

Stay warm and be well.  Thanks for your visit, I appreciate it more than you know!

Arrangements

I got a call back from my brother and we made arrangements together on Sunday with his bimbo girlfriend tagging along.  She did help out a little bit.  Turns out the Funeral Home has some wicked privacy policy.  We both thought that we were being left out and something was seriously wrong.  Not the case at all, they just wanted us to be present. 

The meeting started at 2p and didn’t end until 4 hours later.  Jesus Christ they covered every little nook and cranny option and this was a huge upsell time.  They want all of your money and it’s emotional, your vulnerable and why not capitalize on that.  It’s business and business has no room for emotion it’s all about $. 

That said mom did pay for something ahead of time but it wasn’t much just a basic cremation, a cremation container (which is a cardboard box that costs $400 today) and a ceramic urn.  There were other fees that she didn’t account for so there were plenty of costs for us to bare, plus they won’t do anything until you pay them.

Long story short here we each will have a stain glass butterfly to keep with part of her ashes in it.  The rest of her remains will go into a sand urn.  It’s totally made of sand and there is a water soluble liner inside, so that once the urn comes in contact with water the remains release back into the earth.  She wants to be scattered by her parents grave, which we will do at a later date and time.  Remember Glamour Shots?  Well she had a photo set done there and they made her look like a hooker.  That was the best photo that my brother had of her and that is what were using for the service as well as her obituary.  The photo will be an oil painting of her framed in Cherry Wood.  He will get to keep the painting.  We are having a memorial mass for her on Saturday.  There will be visitation for an hour ahead of time.  We will be allowed in a 1/2 hour before friends start calling. 

The final total was several thousands of dollars, which in any ordinary case would be covered by life insurance.  Our mom doesn’t have any, she was very close to penniless.  It’s very sad.  My brother took care of her and he had financial responsibility but I couldn’t in good faith let him front the entire bill, likewise I can’t afford much and gave much more than I can afford.

The most unique thing that we will each have is a necklace in silver with mom’s thumbprint on it.  They can do it in gold but it’s $1,297 and that is a lot for a little medal.  If money were no object then I would go for it.  I told them we will take 2 in silver and my brother just looked at me as if to say WTF.  I told him I was buying 1 for each of us to have.  He’s okay with that but kind of thinks it is unnecessary.  I think when he has it in hand he will be much more appreciative and thankful.  He can keep a little bit of her with him all the time. 

Saturday will be a very long and emotional day.  I think I am wise to take my remaining 2 days on Monday & Tuesday next week.  The church lady wanted to meet with us both on Wednesday this week to discuss hymns and verses.  Oddly enough we both are thinking of the same 2 songs.  I am letting my brother drive this as I told him I don’t really have anything to contribute and he is okay with that. 

I suggested to him that after the service is done that the family … meaning him and his girlfriends kids and who ever the hell else tags along including me all go to Olive Garden.  It was mom’s favorite place and brought so much joy to her.  I can’t ever think of OG without picturing her, even seeing a commercial is a huge trigger. I wanted to go today for lunch but talked myself out of it and it’s probably better. 

I spent the day doing most of what I would normally do on any given Sunday and for the kids sake I didn’t run the noise machine aka vacuum.  I did go through a ton of photos, my brother called this morning and asked about pictures of her.  I didn’t think I had but 1 and after searching I found 10.  I got them scanned in and sent them to him.  None of them were exactly what he was looking for but hey at least he has 10 more photos than he had this morning. 

We have been back and forth all afternoon long.  I think all the bases are covered.  Now I have to pull myself together and go back into everyday life.  I think I will be fine.  Honestly I didn’t think I would be as emotional as I am and what is eating me alive is guilt.  I feel so bad.  I know she understood but it would have been nice to spend time with her before she departed the earth.  I miss her so much and we weren’t that close.  If you think about it she is the only person I have known my entire life, she gave me life and well that is a huge bond.  At least we don’t have to go through this again.  The next time will be one of us burying the other and I pray that is no time soon.

My brother has a new job and has been there for close to a year.  It’s kind of neat, he pressure tests cylinders.  Sounds interesting.  He bought a house.  Anyway they have a care program for when you lose a loved one they will pay you $1,500 which is just unheard of.  I told him take every penny they are willing to give you, you need it and it will help defray costs.  He is down playing it and doesn’t think he qualifies but I told him to look into it.  I will be talking with my HR Department tomorrow and I can pretty well guarantee that we don’t have a similar program. 

Well it’s off to the upstairs where I will wind up my evening.  Sleeping is something that neither of us has done much of.  I hope that I sleep very well tonight because tomorrow is coming at full force.  I just keep asking why did she have to go at such a young age and why now?  She was an organ donor and we were told they took skin and her corneas.  Oddly enough 1 of her corneas was failing.  So it’s nice to know that a part of her is still living.  My family has always been one to help others and I suppose that is all of our missions in life. 

I hate to be so depressing but we all need an outlet and this is mine!

 

Emotional Day

Last night I sent a very long winded text to my brother.  I was surprised that this morning I had no reply.  Figuring that he was operating without me and trying to fuck me just one last time I reached out to the funeral home.  They didn’t know I was also next of kin.  They kept saying they had spoken with “the family” and that is when I lost it and said I am her fucking family what part of my mother don’t you understand.  So I was told that under state law nothing can be done with her body until they have my signature on a form.

I called my brother and had to leave a voice mail.  I used the information I had regarding the law as leverage and got a call back with in a few minutes.  He was trying to shut me out.  But my new found knowledge helped bring him to his senses.  Now we are going to make funeral arrangements together this afternoon. 

We don’t have to be adversaries and there doesn’t need to be tension or a RIF in the family.  But I can’t make him change his mind or think differently.  I suspect that once this is done that will be the last time I see or hear from my brother for a very long time. 

My heart hurts much more today than it did yesterday.  I find myself doing all sorts of crazy stuff and can’t remember anything.  That is my first sign that I am in stress mode.  I really want to go to work tomorrow but not sure if that will happen or not.  I didn’t sleep well last night and that is despite the fact that I took an extra sleeping pill.  Perhaps if I can make it through today w/o a nap, the stress from the day will help me to sleep or so I hope. 

Clearly this is not how I planned to spend my weekend and everything is just turned upside down right now.  The cats know something is wrong but they are unsure of what or how to fix it.  Time is the only thing that will make things better. 

Really wish I had someone by my side to help me through this. 

Rest In Peace

I had so much planned for today, I got woke up early by Gator and fed the kids.  I finished up Schitt’s Creek and then laid down with Marv & Gator.  We just got comfy and the phone rang.  Something told me to answer it, so I followed my instinct.  I saw it was my brother calling and knew that it probably wasn’t good news. 

I answered and it was his girlfriend, she was yammering on and told me to get to the hospital that was close to their place.  I was stark naked when she called [sorry if that gave you a visual] and threw on some clothes fast, took my pills and dashed out the door. 

I had to put the address into my Navigation system because I didn’t quite know exactly where I was going.  Me and my new wheels jetted that way and my top speed was 115mph.  I was flying and just couldn’t get there fast enough.

I parked and walked in a feverish pace to the door marked Emergency Room.  As I entered a short lady asked me if I was Jeremy and I responded, she said I’ll take you back to be with your family. 

We walked what seemed to be a never ending hallway and finally got to this large room where the curtain was closed.  As I entered the room I was trying to psych myself up for what I was going to see, I knew it would be a dead body.

As the curtain opened and I entered the room my mom was laying on a stretcher and my brother was sobbing his eyes out as his girlfriend tried to comfort him.  Our mom had passed away from a massive heart attack.  I was numb, a little sad but overall numb.  I am still processing things in my mind. 

I spoke with a nurse and expressed my concerns that there could have been foul play involved.  He spoke with the coroner who said that it sounded like natural causes and released the body to the funeral home.  If I wanted an autopsy it would come out of my pocket and it wouldn’t be cheap.  I decided to just let my suspicions go to the grave with my mom.  It just isn’t worth it. 

What the girlfriend told me was they picked her up last night and she expressed concerns over shortness of breath.  She often did this and they just shrugged it off.  Mom went to spend the weekend with my brother.  This morning they were eating breakfast and she expressed the same concern again.  They again shrugged it off as the boy crying wolf.  The girlfriend noticed that mom was turning blue and they suggested that she lie down, she did and that’s when the lights went out.  The girlfriend started CPR and they called 9-1-1.  Am ambulance arrived quickly and got her to the hospital quickly.  They gave her 7 rounds of epi and tried to bring her back, despite the fact that she didn’t want to be resuscitated.  There efforts failed to revive her. 

My relationship with my family has been distant since the event that occurred a couple years ago.  It’s when something like this happens that you wish you would have done things differently.  I had an inkling that I should go see my mom a few weeks ago but I dismissed it.  Now I know why I had the feeling and had I saw her it might have made today a little easier.  What affected me the most was seeing my brother cry.  I can’t stand to see him in pain or suffering, despite everything we have been through.  It just tears me up.  He is distant with me and I get that.  The events of today brought true what our grandparents used to preach to us … someday it will be just you 2 and you should get along because one day each of you will only have the other.  Profound words that echoed loudly in my mind. 

We know that mom made arrangements in advance many years ago.  We know that she wants cremation.  We don’t know if she paid for it and if she wanted a service or not.  I’m waiting to hear the details and don’t know if or when they will come.  I am entitled to 3 days of leave at work and have already called my boss.  I don’t know that I will be taking time away.  I told my brother to let me know if he needs anything and what the arrangements are. 

I could but in but I figure that he took the lead a long time ago with being financially responsible for her and this is the final task that he should preform.  If he wants me involved I am happy to be there but if not, that’s okay too. 

I am still numb to it all but the emotions have been going through my mind and I suspect they will for the days to come.  I have many memories both good and bad to reflect on.  I pray that my mom is at peace.  She no longer has to battle the demons that ruled her life for so many years. 

She was only 64 [what is oddly eerie about this is that I am 46] and her birthday would have been on the 29th.  I had just prepared a birthday card for her last night and written a note to her.  Now I wished that I would have called.  I take comfort in the fact that she didn’t die alone, she was with my brother and that beats dying in a nursing home alone. 

I really wish that things would have played out differently here as I write this the more the emotions are getting to me.  I know I will be okay but I have to get to a breaking point and cry, let it all out and then well that’s when the healing will start. 

Even though I was estranged from her, I still sent cards and letters to her.  Not as frequently as I would have liked but I did.  I remember the times in years past when I would just show up out of the blue and we would go to lunch, that would make her day.  It made me feel good that I was making her feel good.  The look of joy on her face was comforting.  When it was time for me to leave it was always a struggle for her because she didn’t like saying goodbye or parting ways.  It was never an issue until her mental illness started to get more aggressive. 

Death is the ultimate consequence that we all must suffer eventually.  Seeing others go before you doesn’t make it easier but it’s a journey that we each get closer to traveling each and every day.

Mom, may you rest in peace.  I will always regret my decision to not have you in my life a little more. 

Noise

I woke up this morning and all I heard was noise.  I thought it sounded like the sump pump was stuck.  I talked myself out of checking on it.  Went about my day and when it was time to continue laundry the damn thing [sump pump] kicked on and scared the living crap out of me.  It didn’t want to shut off.  I figured for sure I would be spending my day trying to replace it.  Thankfully I took a logical approach and after some testing realized that the float needed to be relocated.  I also learned that there are 3 drains into the pump and up until today I always only thought there was 1.  It’s been raining here and the pump does get a work out when that happens.  Otherwise, it’s silent.  I proved that it still works and tested it twice.  If that thing stops working my basement will be a mess.  This old house has been around for 25 years and I have lived here for around 20 years.  That is a long time to be in one place.  No wonder I have the desire to move but it’s just not practice.  If anything I would downsize and move to a condo, town house or smaller house.  There shall be no apartment living for me.  Close neighbors suck.  I don’t want to hear them and I don’t want anyone to hear me.  Although there have been several times when I orgasm I though for sure the police were going to be called.  Yeah, I’m that loud.  I blame it on too much porn.  TMI.

Still watching Shitts Creek.  Spent time with the kids today and trimmed Marv’s nails.  He wasn’t happy about that.

The weekend has only been 2 days long but it feels more like an eternity.  I was able to relax and just forget about work in general and worry about me, my future and the kids.  My back even stopped bothering me, but now that I am back in front of the computer it hurts. 

Had breakfast at Steak N Shake.  Tried their new Cinnamon Crunch Breakfast Milkshake in the small version.  It’s not something that  I would order again.  Lots of things go good in a shake but cereal isn’t one of those things.  Neither is a hamburger, hot dog or bowl of chili.  Fruit, Birthday Cake, Pumpkin Pie, Hot Fudge those things are perfect for a shake just not all of those ingredients in one shake. 

I am tardy for my evening wind down routine and I am sure I will catch hell for it when I climb the stairs.  I took some time yesterday and went down Memory Lane it brought back all sorts of memories.  I really like looking at kitten picture from when the kids were first born.  They were so tiny and extra cute.  Life was so perfect then and I felt a bliss that I have never experienced before and I am not sure if I will ever experience again.  I miss my life or what it used to be.  I am happy to have freedom and independence but I would cash it all in if only I could go back in time and live the good times again and they would never end. 

Ah well time to shove off and climb the stairs, watch a little more TV with the kids and then get ready for bed.  Here’s hoping Gator doesn’t have one of her fur ball attacks on the bed or at all for that matter.  That little girl has made me wash my bed clothes for the past 3 weeks, she is driving me crazy, but then again so are a lot of things. 

Once again here’s to the week ahead may it be a good one for all of us.  Thanks for stopping by.  How you doin’?

How You Doin?

Thanks for stopping by for another glimpse into my world. 

The week was not as productive as I was hoping it would be.  I made yet another discovery about my fraud of a co-worker and how he is failing to do his job, I found plenty of examples and shared them all with the boss.  I also started a spreadsheet to document every incident, it’s extra work but well worth it.  In the end that could be of help to me.  Of course I am a little paranoid that because I am complaining they are going to let me go instead of him.  I do the job of at least 2 people and only collect 1 paycheck.  It’s not a complaint but rather a fact.  I like my job but having to baby sit is wearing on my last nerve.

On the way home Friday night I decided to treat myself to Wendy’s.  It was really good and I didn’t get a Frosty.  I’ve got plenty of sweets at home to consume.  Thursday nights dinner was pie and water.  I had to pay bills and had an urgent on-call issue to deal with.  After feeding and cleaning up after the kids, putting out the trash and dealing with everything there was no time for supper.  It was way close to bed time.  I wasn’t hungry but decided a little sugar couldn’t hurt.  Besides that the pie will go bad if I leave it for too long and stale pie is horrible.

Speaking of pie, I went for pizza tonight.  Saw the cute boy and he waited on me.  Problem was that my pizza was only half baked, the bottom crust was still slightly raw.  I ate a little bit opted for a box and figured I would finish their job for them at home with my own oven.  Yeah I should have sent it back but I didn’t.  I was in and out in a flash, even back home way sooner than I realized.  Day dreaming and driving are great until you almost miss your exit. 

I spent the bulk of Saturday in bed, sleeping.  I have found a new series on NetFlix called Schitts Creek and it’s damn funny.  I don’t know how I managed to almost miss this but it’s got me hook line an sinker.  Plenty of cute guys, not a lot of sex but it’s funny. 

Stumbled across some music by Nick Jonas.  Wow where have I been.  He’s a really good artist and he’s got a nice body to go with his amazing voice.  Levels is the first song, it sounded strange at first but I love the beat.  The other song is Getting under you.  It’s really good in my opinion. 

The kids are all doing okay.  I got a call about Marv’s follow up blood work but until my $ situation settles a bit there will be no blood work.  Besides that it’s not actually been a full month that he has been on the medicine, we still have a couple weeks to go.  His diarrhea / loose stool is still going on.  I felt so bad for him I skipped 1 pill and things changed a little.  He still longs for my attention and I spend as much time with him as possible.  I have this on-going debate in my mind if it’s time to part ways or if we should keep going on.  I think but don’t know for certain that he is in some pain.  I can tell you for sure that he is feeling discomfort, going to the bathroom as often isn’t fun for him.  It’s not fun for me because I have to clean it up and he is going through more pee pads than his brother.  He still wants to play and he still messes with his brother and sometimes his sisters.  I don’t want to break up the happy family but at the same time I don’t want any of them to be in pain or suffer, not even for a second.  It’s my job to take care of them and not bragging but I think I do a stellar job, all things considered.  Just think of all of the money I have poured in to them over the years, it’s a poor choice if your looking for an investment but the love and good times we have, well those you can’t put a price tag on.  I still miss #1 son, Taz and Blu.  Unless it’s obvious that there is something terminal going on, it feels so wrong for me to play God.  So I think Marv is safe for now.  I still can’t get over the feeling that I am going to lose him.  We did have a great time today as I watched TV and sat on the floor of my room to keep him company while he licked my arm like a spare rib and fell asleep.  We even cuddled in bed for a few minutes.  They all know that I love them and I know they love me and depend upon me so very much.  With out them I would fail and with out me they would fail – so were tailor made for each other.  There was a reason why 13 years ago I picked up their pregnant mother and took her in, little did I know I was saving so many lives, my own included. 

Looking forward to breakfast not sure where I am going to go.  I have a thought of facing my fear and going back to the place where I accidentally asked a 16 y/o guy on a date.  It will be awkward to walk in and I don’t know if I am ready yet.  I imagine that everything will be okay but if he’s told a bunch of his co-workers it could be uncomfortable to me.  Not to mention what may be done to my food.  So I’ll probably stick with my standby of Steak N Shake where I am well known and it feels good to walk in. 

I think I am going to do some Amazon shopping.  I really want that tire monitor and possibly a couple other things.  My next check will for sure have overtime on it and while I am still scraping by, I am okay.  I just hope that when tax season gets here that I get a windfall of a return and I can sock it to some debt to give me some additional breathing room.  Now that will feel really good.  Until then I think very hard before I spend so much as a penny.

The boss will be back next week and it will be him, me and stupid as our other co-worker has taken the week off.  Holy fuck I hope things go well and it’s a calm week.  I already know it won’t be quiet but calm is what I look forward to.  Busy well that is a given.  Ever since earlier this year when my well seasoned co-worker quit I have very little free time and I work for 8 to 10 hours if not longer each day.  It’s wearing me out but I love the money, plus it helps to like what you do.  I am a problem solver, baby sitter and mess cleaner upper.  Now if I could just do all of those things in my personal life well I’d probably be on a date right now and not typing on a blog. 

I do miss the electronic dating scene and really want the apps back.  It’s more of a craving than anything.  Regardless of how it happens I wish with all of my heart that I would meet my next guy.  I wish I could see into the future for that alone but ah well I guess I will just have to wait and stay tuned like the rest of you.  Life is a soap opera and you have no idea what the writers will pencil in next!

Here’s to the week ahead, may it be all that we want it to and more.  So tell me, how you doin?

1-800-273-8255

Naked

Welcome to Sunday!  Have you ever fallen asleep and woke up, not knowing where you are or how you got there?  That happened to me last night.  I woke up and the surroundings looked unfamiliar at first, I was a little panicked but then my brain kicked in and told me I was in my late partners bedroom.  I often go there on weekends for solace from the cats and to experience a different mattress.  I didn’t remember how I got there until I started typing this post, which is several hours later.  You can safely presume I slept rather well. 

I had a very odd dream that I got a job in records for my hometown police department.  It was a 2nd job.  I remember being interviewed and called a few days later.  I showed up but was a little panicked because this was part time and I didn’t know if they would work around my primary jobs schedule.  Turns out they would.  There was a bunch of people huddled around a card table and we were looking through files, why I don’t remember.  Lunch time came and people were eating at the table, when someone showed me the lunch room.  Wow they had everything in there it was a 1st class setup.  All I needed was a fork.  I wonder if this is the world’s way of telling me it’s time to get a second job?  All I know is once I got my bearings I felt amazing when I woke up.  Oh I wish I could sleep like that every night. 

This morning I continued my tradition of having breakfast at Steak N Shake.  There is a regular guy who comes in, an older gentlemen.  He is always passing out coupons and talking with people.  He brings the paper in and will leave it behind for others to read.  Just a nice guy.  This lady and her gaggle of kids came in.  One of which was really cute, still very young but you could tell he was going to be a heart breaker someday.  This guy walks up to the table and starts talking with them.  He looked like he gave them a coupon, the next thing I know the cute kid had a silver dollar.  He was mesmerized by it.  The look on that kids face was worth way more than a dollar.  That got to me a little bit.  I wound up paying for the guys breakfast.  I walked back to his table and told him he could keep his coupon.  I threw away his check and this gasp came over his face.  I told him I paid for his breakfast and he was really shocked.  I told him your always doing nice things for people and I saw what you did for the kid, it’s time someone did something nice for you.  He was very thankful.

Honestly I probably shouldn’t have bought his breakfast but hey he didn’t order anything super expensive and I still have a little bit of money left.  I have food on my table and enough money to fill the tank later in the week, so it’s all good.  Plus it made me feel good.  I just genuinely love to help people when I can.  I am much more wise to the fact that people will play on your sympathy and it makes you an easy mark, so I am very selective as to who I help and when.  I’m not out to save the world and I look out for myself first.  It might sound like I am bragging but honestly it’s not my intention. 

It’s been a productive day.  I purchased some Goo Gone and took the sticker residue that was left from the dealer sticker which I took off of my new vehicle.  They don’t pay me to advertise for them and until they do, there sticker won’t be on any car I drive.  Besides that I think it looks much more classy w/o a dealer sticker.  Then I took off the Sirius sticker from my window.  There is one sticker left and that shows the plant that built the vehicle.  I am leaving that, it’s a tribute and a reminder of the benefits I get from my late partner.  They could have placed it in a different location but hey it is what it is. 

I am not one to load up my car with stickers and certainly not anything gay.  I looked for a gay license plate frame today for fun on Amazon.  They are out there, some more interesting than others.  I like the one that says I am not gay but my boyfriend is.  I don’t want to have my car screaming there is a gay man driving me.  I like to be subtle and well frankly my vehicle looks too fine to put a sticker on it of any kind.  I am still going back and forth in my mind, it’s torture but eventually I will make a final decision. 

Speaking of which I went to the bargain car wash, they got my car just as clean as the expensive place.  There was no hot wax and no tire shine but I saved $7.  Not terrible.  I filled up the tank for the second time this weekend.  So my pie trip was around $63.00 that’s everything totaled up.  Pretty expensive for a weekend trip but hey it was semi-fun.  This morning the vehicle had extra pep and was hard to control at first.  Not sure where that came from but once I got control it was pretty nice. 

I looked on the dating apps and decided today was the day to call it quits.  I pulled the plug and said it’s official now, time for a break.  There were so many guys that I would have liked to connect with but the problem is I have the balls to reach out, they don’t have the balls to reciprocate.  I feel much better talking to the cats.  At least they can look at me as if they understand what I am saying. 

Speaking of cats.  It was really funny when I came home from the grocery store.  I walked in and woke Big Boy up.  He didn’t know who I was and was preparing to jolt when I started talking to him and he just relaxed.  I apologized for waking him, sometimes they go into a deep sleep but it’s not often that I am a witness.  They think nothing of waking me but when the shoe is on the other foot they aren’t terribly happy about it. 

I let them skip there pills for the weekend, which usually is Friday night and all day Saturday.  We go back to the schedule on Sunday night.  Marv wasn’t feeling well at all this morning.  He ate just a tiny bit.  When I came back from the store there was a mess waiting for me, but at least it was on a pad.  He looked disheveled.  He wasn’t dehydrated but he was well on his way.  I got some medicine on board and while he wasn’t terribly happy, within a couple hours he was much better.  He got his lunch down and attacked his brothers dinner, so I think he is fine.  We have even played a little ball today.  I’ll take another look at him in a few hours and may give him a little bit of fluids for peace of mind.  I am way past the deadline for the blood work recheck on Big Boy and Marv’s blood work is coming due soon.  I hate to put it off but Big Boy is doing fine.  Marv is the one I worry about, so he is likely to go first.

In my productivity quest today I opted to replace the faceplate cover for my iPhone.  Some air got in and it’s just not the same.  I’ve been living with it for a while.  I had a second screen to replace it with and I got everything ready and applied it.  Then I realized my aim was off just a hair.  I went to remove it and move it which you can do, but I used a little too much force and it snapped.  So now I am carrying around my phone with a naked screen.  Much like in real life naked is better but it puts you at risk for injury or damage.  I will be extra careful but I am by nature careful when it comes to my phone.  That is a lot of $ tied up and I don’t want to damage it, even if I do have insurance.  The plain screen is a finger print and dust magnet.  Thankfully, a replacement screen will be here on Tuesday.  I could have gone out to buy one but why spend $40 to have it today when you can spend $8 and get it on Tuesday, plus have 2 backups.  Let’s hope my decision was prudent to wait and be frugal. 

Looking forward to spending the remaining hours with the kids.  Having a slice of pie.  As if I really need it.  I’ve wiped out the 2 cinnamon rolls.  Watching some good TV, more specifically Vice Principals and Last Week Tonight with John Oliver.  If I can pair that with some good porn and a decent nights sleep, I think Monday might not be so bad.  One thing is for sure it will be an interesting day!

Here’s to a great week ahead, I’m going to do some music scouring and then make my bed and get on with spending time with the kids.  Charlie Puth has a new song out called How Long, it’s pretty good.  Waiting for his sophomore album to be out in 2018.  He is teasing it really well.  Cheers!

Pie Time

Thanks for stopping by.  Friday was a bit of a busy day but thankfully it’s behind me.  I had to work with ‘stupid’ referring to my colleague who is a fraud.  I chatted with an old boss of mine and was encouraged to keep documentation, that is all I can do at this point.  It may or may not come in handy in the future.  Pouring all of that energy into creating the incidents will be time consuming but totally worth it.  Perhaps there will be time to do this during the week, I am going to try to make it happen.

Saturday morning came all too soon.  I was woken up by my neighbor with a motorcycle who kept revving it up.  8a on a Saturday, come on people wants to sleep in.  What did I do?  I got up and fed the cats.  Then came back to my room and looked to see what hot porn was available.  Found a nice scene with Blake Mitchell, it was hot but not what I was expecting.  Anyway eventually I made my way back to bed while watching TV to get sleepy.  It worked and I fell back to sleep.  Got up at noon. 

Took a shower, which is rare for me on a Saturday.  Used the new shampoo that I got that is supposed to make my hair shine with the very first use.  Yeah maybe there was a little bit of difference but it wasn’t drastic, which is what I was looking for.  I’ll keep using it in the hopes that it builds up over time.  My hair did feel amazing though so it was worth the $. 

Got dressed, put out more food for the children.  Out the door I went.  Headed to get gas, stopped by the post office and then on to Pie City.  It rained part of the way, which made driving a little bit more difficult but I kept forging forward.  By the time I reached the pizza place I wanted to stop in and call the trip off, but it didn’t happen.  I made it and got a nice parking spot close to the door, so I didn’t get soaked walking in. 

I had a traditional Thanksgiving meal minus Cranberries.  They were very generous with the gravy and the whole thing really filled the hole in my stomach.  I could tell I was full, which doesn’t happen often.  I got what I came for Pumpkin, Pecan pie.  It’s topped with some special Cinnamon and Nutmeg.  It was sinfully delicious.  I got a whole pie of that to come home with.  Plus 2 Cinnamon Rolls and 2 Carmel Pecan Rolls.  My oh my I didn’t drop $50 but it was very close. 

Drove home in rain the entire way.  Going up gas mileage was really good.  Coming home in the rain and wind, gas mileage was horrible.  My mind was wondering, I was listening to music from my phone and I wasn’t terribly picky which I normally am.  Everything sounded really good.  I guess that is the sound of freedom and being relaxed, free from work, worry and life in general.  All I had to worry about was keeping my eyes on the road and the others around me.  I wish I had many more of those moments, they are far too seldom. 

Came home, put away the baked goods.  Fed the children and then it was back on the road again.  I went to get my haircut [yes all of them, not just one].  Wound up in a very chatty conversation and my haircut felt much more like a therapy session, lasting around an hour.  The haircut it’s self was done in 15 minutes if that.  There isn’t much to it, you grab a guard and a clipper, buzz away and then it’s time for a head job [no not that kind of a head job] meaning a shampoo.  That along with the hot towel at the end is the best part of the haircut.  After I left I stopped in for cat food and then finally got to come home. 

Unloaded the cat food and of course guess who was hungry.  Yep, all 5 of them.  Had to pass out more food.  Well I didn’t have to I chose to.  Working on laundry and getting ready to pack up for the night.  SNL should be on and I always look forward to that.  Colin Jost is the man I crush on the most from the cast.  He is just so hot!

Speaking of men, I went back on Grindr and the guy I messaged days ago finally read my message.  There was no response to which I take there is no interest.  I quickly went in and cancelled my renewal just days before it’s going to happen.  I’ve decided that unless something magical happens before Tuesday that I will be jumping off all of the apps.  Taking a break is what I think I need.  Holidays will bring college kids home and while I’d love a college hottie, that would be a temporary thing which is not what I am looking for.  I don’t know how long my break will last.  If I am on during the holidays I try to shy away from college guys, unless they go to the college that is practically in my backyard. 

It just makes no sense to me that people are on a site, looking for sex or dating but when you hit them up they can’t give you the time of day.  No wonder they are perpetually on the sites, they don’t respond.  I mean if someone is knocking when your advertising, then you should probably answer the door.  I mean you just never know who you are passing up.  People are weird as well as stupid.  Hopefully my prince charming will come along so I no longer have to worry about dating apps.

Over the summer a lady I used to work with was fired, for no reason at all.  We were pretty good friends or so I thought.  She has one hell of a legal case and is perusing that, which I don’t fault her for.  We kept in touch pretty regularly and there was two weeks when we didn’t talk.  I reached out to her a day after I got my new vehicle and she told me she was headed out of town, that she would catch up soon.  I have no idea what her definition of soon is but were coming up on one month.  How long can a person travel?  Besides that your unemployed why are you traveling when your short on money?  My theory is that she found a job, they sent her out of town for orientation and she is immersed in her new world.  For whatever reason she has shut all of the people that she used to work with and was close with out of her life.  Not sure if that is an on purpose thing and she is moving on or if she is prohibited from talking with us because things went south with her legal case.  I mean it is not the type of thing an employer would want to be brought into court, so these types of things usually settle out of court with an agreement that prohibits one from disclosing terms of the settlement and from talking about what happened.  The employer or in this case former employer is buying their peace.  Well I said all of that to say that I decided to send her a letter just saying hey it’s me, get in touch with me.  That is my last move.  I won’t make any further attempts to reach her, I mean if she doesn’t want to talk to me for whatever reason then all I would be doing is harassing her and that’s not a road that I want to travel.  I mean I am hurt by the lack of communications but hey it’s not the end of the world. 

So there you have it my Friday & Saturday.  Sunday will be breakfast out with a coupon, a trip to the grocery store, fueling up the thirsty vehicle and maybe even getting it washed.  Then it will be home for the remainder of the day to surf, clean, watch TV, shave, shower and eventually prepare for Monday.  Yuk!  I know Monday is Columbus Day but my employer doesn’t observe that as a holiday.  We have to wait until Turkey Day for our next 2 days off.  It’s a long time away but it will be here before you know it, just like tax day. 

Stop back by again soon for your next dose of a glimpse into my world.  I know it’s super exciting and keeps you on the edge of your seat.  Yes, friends that is sarcasm!   

Wow it’s huge

My men in a box arrived and I got much more than I thought I was getting.  Apparently I need to pay close attention to dimensions.  I ordered Dylan Rosser’s Wet and it’s Gallery Sized yeah it takes up some real estate.  I saw this extra large box sitting on my front porch and I just knew I was in for a surprise.  Thankfully it’s not like last year where I ordered naked men and got a flower calendar, along with the packing slip of the person who placed the order.  If she got my order I’ll bet she was really surprised, that was a fun conversation to have with an Amazon rep. 

I did make it back to work today.  I didn’t want to go but 3rd day and you need a doctors note so why push it.  Plus I really didn’t want to use all of my time to just take a break.  It’s been a rocky year full of emotions some good and some bad.  We still have 2 more months to go before it’s all over with.  Wow!

I took a leap of faith and talked with a co-worker about our co-worker.  We both see the same picture and pretty well agree that our new guy is nothing but dead weight.  He is going to fuck something up really bad and the hammer will come down.  Until that happens we are stuck with him and have to make an effort.  He’s got a bit of an attitude with me because I turned him in for missing a departure.  That is HUGE, I mean it was a retirement but if it would have been a disgruntled employee just think of all of the things that could go wrong. 

What prompted me to have the conversation was I got an email this morning asking for help.  I talked about Active Directory and you would have thought I was talking another language.  I said you need to remove him from this group and that will fix the problem.  Oh how do I do that?  That’s when I wanted to scream are you fucking stupid.  I already know the answer.  Apparently he came from an abusive work environment, well if you are dumb as stone and treat people like your treating me, it’s no wonder they were abusive.  I have never been in such a pickle like this before.  The problem is his skin color and he uses that to his advantage.  He is just in over his head and why he can’t be a man and say something is beyond me.  I mean it’s fixable but he’s too proud because this is likely the highest paying job he has ever had.  I deserve his money and his title much more than he does.  I really busy my hump!  He is barley qualified to be a help desk person but this is a case of a brother helping a brother out.  Fuck politics be it office or in real life it’s just a huge mess. 

Will & Grace is on tonight and I so look forward to that.  There is some other good Fall TV on as well.  So it should be a good night.  Then off to bed and work one more day.  Then I can do what I want for 2 whole days before I go back on-call again.  Yikes, I know it’s soon but I switched with my boss so he could go on vacation. 

In the dating world I signed on to Grindr tonight and the guy that I have the mad crush on that I thought dropped off the face of the earth, well he signed on.  Holy crap I was excited but he didn’t read my message yet.  I said yesterday I don’t beg but I just might beg him.  I really am hoping for a response and a positive one at that.  I won’t hold my breath but I haven’t given up just yet. 

Time to go be with the fam and play on my phone as the night passes us by.  Like sands through the hour glass so are the Days of Our Lives.  Time to go see All My Children!  Hope you had a great day and that your Friday is awesome!

Hot Men in a box

Interesting title, huh?  It was time to order calendars and no ordinary plain calendar will do for me.  I have to have hot naked or nearly naked men.  One for my office in the basement.  One for my bedroom and one on the fridge in the kitchen.  One thing is for sure if there is ever any kind of an emergency and I need help from fire or police when they come in they will be shocked by all of the naked men in pictures.  I’m gay this is my house and it’s my choice.  I guess it might shock a guy if I ever do get serious into dating.  But I’ll worry about that when it happens.  Sort of like winning the lottery but hopefully with much better odds.

I woke up this morning and had a decent nights sleep but lacked motivation to go in.  I used the one more day won’t hurt.  Christ was I wrong.  It was a busy damn day the phone was driving me nuts and I did take a break from it.  I have a lot of knowledge and certain duties were entrusted to me along with my former co-worker who left.  Since then I have been cross training and it’s not going terribly well.  The new guy on our team is dumb as stone, not sure where they found him but he’s a total fraud and doesn’t know anything about IT Security.  It’s obvious but I believe he was a diversity hire and because of that were stuck with him until he t-totally fucks up royally.  I thought we had him last week when we had to take 4 machines off the network but nope just a slap on the wrist and were back to normal.  Our boss asks him to do things and he doesn’t follow through or if he does it’s half-ass.  I don’t trust him and I don’t like him but since I have to work with him I just muster along.  I have given up complaining because it does no good, I am just letting him hang himself and with enough time he will.  I don’t like to see anyone lose their job but this guy is clearly in over his head, he lacks common sense so I don’t know how he manages to make it to the office but he does.  Thankfully we don’t work in the same office or I probably would have gone off on him already.  It takes a lot of restraint seeing how he is a senior level person and is supposed to know more than me, who is the junior level person – I literally run circles around him and have been carrying our whole team.  Now I think my taking 2 days off will make a little more sense.  It won’t change a thing but it did give me a slight break.

Thank you for the comments, it’s nice to know that I have regular readers.  Mr. Dot I remember you and have thought about you, kind of figured that you were gone, glad that is not the case.  My long time friend Jude, glad your still along for the ride.  You both made my day!

I opted to renew my Grindr subscription for 1 more month, then I will go back to my swearing it off.  I’ve been on Tindr for quite sometime.  I got a match with a hot young guy over a month ago but neither of us has made a move and that is not likely to happen.  The electronic era has made dating more convenient but it’s also made it awkward, I mean what do you say?  People crave attention but you send them a message and never hear from them.  You can clearly see they got the message but chose not to respond.  I don’t beg, I block if you don’t respond with in a few hours of getting a message from me your blocked and I move on.  I don’t want to hit up a bunch of guys at once, with my luck I would start chatting with a bunch of them and get things mixed up.  I am not a player I just need 1 genuine good guy and that will be enough for me.  Maybe someday that will happen, be it from a dating app or from real life.  Either way I wish it would hurry up, because being alone is fun but it gets old and is depressing. 

As you well know from prior post I am an Amazon a holic.  I get my monies worth of free shipping from my Prime Membership.  I ordered some shampoo & conditioner by Sebastian, I was doing too many things at once and screwed up.  I got a different product than I wanted.  Sure I could return it but it’s just easier to order the right thing.  So I did that and spent $18 more the right stuff arrives on Friday.  Supposed to make my hair shine – I am all about shine, just wish my hair were a little darker like it was when I was younger.  Everything changes with age. Some good and some not so good.

Fall TV is back.  Saw The Middle, Axl looks pretty hot, too bad the network blurred him when he was nude, I wouldn’t mind looking at his buns or anything else he has to display.  I’ve got lots of crushes and look forward to seeing new episodes.  I do get the occasional laugh out of a show as well as subtle reminders about life, so that makes it worth while. 

Before I go scampering off to take in some of that Fall TV.  October is Cyber Security Awareness Month.  How relevant given the Equifax breach.  Attacks are getting more sophisticated and breaches are becoming more common place.  You have to operate with caution just as you would when driving a car.  You never know what is going to happen.  It’s important to prepare ahead of time so that your data is backed up, your passwords are change in regular intervals and you use a password safe, preferably one with a cloud presence like 1Password or LastPass, so that if you do fall victim it’s easy to recover.  Never, ever pay ransom there is no assurance you will get your data back.  I heard the other day where a police department paid ransom they got their files back and 1 month later they were infected again and had to pay all over again.  Their IT people told them it’s best to pay.  I don’t know who they hired but clearly they didn’t know what they were doing.  We all like to think nothing will ever happen to us, but it does.  It’s best to operate with caution and be prepared so that your not operating in total chaos. 

Now upstairs to take in some fall TV, eat a chocolate muffin wash it down with a glass of milk and enjoy time with the cats before it’s time to medicate them and myself, preparing for Thursday.  Not so bad 1 day back, followed by 1 more and then it’s the weekend.  Next week the boss is on vacation so we should all be able to make some progress and maybe I will be able to dig out from all of the crap that is bogging me down.  Here’s hoping. 

Thanks for stopping by, I hope your day was awesome. 

Did ya miss me?

In the middle of a post a short time back I asked if anyone still reads this and if so to leave me a comment.  I didn’t get any comments so I thought about it and decided to close up shop.  However, I could be getting traffic and just have readers who either don’t like to comment or are too shy.  Hey I don’t bite unless you either provoke me or you want me to bite.  Seriously, I’m pretty chill, try me leave a comment. I missed you and have decided to come back.

I made my first payment on my new ride.  Man overtime is what is paying the bills around here, if it wasn’t for that I would be t-totally fucked and not in a good way.  I skip lunch, come in early and some nights stay late.  I am just drowning in a never ending pile of stress that is work.  There is good in that it will generate income, but the bad is the stress effects it has on my body.  I’ve been going in hyper-drive for so long that today I had to take a break.  I woke up exhausted and today was the day I called in.  I went back to bed and just lounged around the house.  I made 1 trip out to grab the mail and came right back home.  I have watched a couple movies and a Netflix comedy special.  Of course I had my phone with me and have been watching email off and on throughout the day.  There was nothing that was pressing, I got one semi-urgent issue towards the end of the day and decided it could wait until morning.  I have every plan to go back tomorrow, I know when I wake up I will feel like I need another day but it’s better for everyone if I just ease back into my routine, life is much better that way.

The new ride is still very nice.  I have had a lot of fun with it but I keep a close eye on MPG and gas use in general.  This thing is hungry for fuel.  I fill up at the start of the week and then towards the end of the week it’s time to do it all over again.  I used to be able to go a full 5 days with back and forth to work on one tank of gas, not now.  I got a larger fuel tank in the new ride but since it uses more fuel there really is no gain here.  It’s got a lot of get up and go – you press the gas and it will take off.  Put it in sport mode and you are driving a rocket.  It’s at 90mph pretty fast and it feels like I am going 50mph.  There is a turbo in it and that my friends is where all of the power is at.  I am very proud of it and all of my accomplishments.  This really feels like the reward that I am entitled to have, it’s like we were meant for each other. 

Now into the dating world.  There has been no change.  I have a message into a guy who is younger than me and of course I decided to send it when he decided to boycott grindr.  Us gays have a love hate relationship with that app.  It seems everyone takes a break or deletes it and starts over.  My luck clearly is not the greatest but I still keep on trying.  I have talked with other guys even a guy who said he was recently widowed.  I figured we would hit it off but nope he wanted nothing to do with me.  I don’t know what it is but I seem to have a repellant that chases all of the guys away.  It is depressing. 

I ran into the snake oil sales woman with her voodoo magic and I bought up a line of cosmetics over the weekend at Sam’s.  It’s not make up but cleansers, scrubs, moisturizers, etc.  It’s a whole routine and all because I gave her my wrist and 10 minutes of my time.  She showed me all of the dead skin cells that were trapped in my wrist – which of course are trapped in the rest of my body.  Why I fell for this is beyond me but it was like a worm in my brain.  I said no, exited the store but it’s all I could think about and I went back.  Dropped over $100 for this and walked out with the de-lux package.  It was a nice pick me up but hey I really would like my money back.  I have used the products so that isn’t going to happen.  They are all popular and expensive by a brand that I never heard of but when I put the name in my browser it knew what I was talking about. 

The kids are all doing okay.  Ruth gave in and let me trim her claws this past weekend.  I used the toenail trimmer on her because they were so long and the regular clipper had the blade in upside down so it just didn’t work.  I had her and wanted to get this over with so I brought back up.  She emptied out her bladder and of course attacked me while voicing her displeasure but a couple hours later we were the best of friends again, because she wanted food.  Funny how that plays into things.  Marv still has his stomach issues and he just rejects the liquid medicine that will help a little with this.  I decided to stop because it’s not worth fighting with him, the cure is worse than the symptoms and fighting with him has caused him to loose a little trust in dear old dad.  I don’t want to hurt him or any of them but if you need medicine, then I want to be responsible and give it to him.  I increased his steroid as the vet recommended and that has helped a little bit.  At least I have him trained to use the pee pads and he goes through them faster than his brother.  I think some days it’s a competition. 

My ultimate worry is that I am in way over my head and yeah I probably am a little bit, but as long as I have my job with overtime then I think I will be okay.  That’s from a financial standpoint.  Mentally and Physically, well that is anyone’s guess. 

This is the birth month of my late spouse and it’s already messing with me.  It’s been 4 long years and I miss him so much, instead of time healing the wound it’s like it makes it worse.  It doesn’t help that I am still in the same house with most of his possessions around me.  I think I would be doing a little better if I got rid of all of that stuff and moved.  That isn’t going to happen anytime soon. 

Well upstairs to be with the children and wind down the day, so that I can get back to business tomorrow.  Hope all is well in your world.  Tell me all about it, honestly I’d love to hear about it.  Human interaction is something that I crave, probably more than I should.  Be well.