I got home and opened my three boxes full of Amazon stuff. Instead of eating like I normally do, I ripped open the test kit and read it to figure out what to do. The first thing it said was not to eat or drink anything before the test, so I guess I thought ahead.
I followed the instructions and as I thought I am negative. So now I know and I wasted $39 to confirm that. A small price to pay for a little peace of mind.
I am having a rough night, all alone here in this big house. Wanting a hug that I can’t get. I miss my guy, seems like more and more each day. I always used to tell him absence makes the heart grow fonder, it’s true. The longer this goes on the more I miss him.
I can’t shop, talk, work, run away, watch a movie, drink, eat, sleep or do anything else to get rid of the pain and emptiness. I feel so alone in the world. I’ve got friends but after smothering most of them they are all willing to give me space. I need constant in my life and I know friends can’t be there 24 x 7 like a partner/spouse/boyfriend can.
As much as I want to at least date, I don’t know that I am stable enough to do that. I don’t know that psychologically that I would come off as myself, rather I would appear to be an empty lonely person who is desperate for companionship and not to mention sex. I think I would scare most of the guys away, except for those few that would take advantage of someone in my position.
I just wrote our local MCC church, yes the Gay Church. Perhaps they will be able to help me and who knows I may actually get back to church after all.
More to come….stay tuned. Right now I’ve got to get ready for Friday. It will be here long before I want it to be. Thankfully 2 days of rest follows. Good night!