20 June 2013

Test Results

I got home and opened my three boxes full of Amazon stuff.  Instead of eating like I normally do, I ripped open the test kit and read it to figure out what to do.  The first thing it said was not to eat or drink anything before the test, so I guess I thought ahead.

I followed the instructions and as I thought I am negative.  So now I know and I wasted $39 to confirm that.  A small price to pay for a little peace of mind.

I am having a rough night, all alone here in this big house.  Wanting a hug that I can’t get.  I miss my guy, seems like more and more each day.  I always used to tell him absence makes the heart grow fonder, it’s true.  The longer this goes on the more I miss him.

I can’t shop, talk, work, run away, watch a movie, drink, eat, sleep or do anything else to get rid of the pain and emptiness.  I feel so alone in the world.  I’ve got friends but after smothering most of them they are all willing to give me space.  I need constant in my life and I know friends can’t be there 24 x 7 like a partner/spouse/boyfriend can. 

As much as I want to at least date, I don’t know that I am stable enough to do that.  I don’t know that psychologically that I would come off as myself, rather I would appear to be an empty lonely person who is desperate for companionship and not to mention sex.   I think I would scare most of the guys away, except for those few that would take advantage of someone in my position. 

I just wrote our local MCC church, yes the Gay Church.  Perhaps they will be able to help me and who knows I may actually get back to church after all.

More to come….stay tuned.  Right now I’ve got to get ready for Friday.  It will be here long before I want it to be.  Thankfully 2 days of rest follows.  Good night!

1 comment:

Jude said...

Not surprised your test came out negative. You've been faithful for decades and so was your hubby.

I understand your pain and loneliness my friend, it seemed to get worse for me (which I didn't think was even possible) before it started to get "better".... better meaning getting used to the loss if that makes any sense. It's only been a very short time for you still.

Each of us is different of course, but you're probably right in that it may be too soon yet for a new relationship given you are still grieving. I wish I could hug you in person!